


Mess is Mine

by beepochi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Sex, Daddy Issues, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hotel Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Infidelity, M/M, Manipulation, Masturbation, Older Man/Younger Man, Pining, Power Imbalance, Praise Kink, Self-Worth Issues, Size Kink, Wet Dream, a lil bit, but its very slight and ambiguously intentional, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 107,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27379063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepochi/pseuds/beepochi
Summary: Jian Nangong was a 16 year-old high-schooler. He was doing his best to pass the year, maintain platonic and familial relationships and stay firmly within the closet.So it really was unfortunate when he developed a crush on a thirty-something married man.
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 165
Kudos: 201





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first thing on here so pls be gentle  
> tell me if u spot any mistakes n thanks for reading ;)  
> hope u enjoy 
> 
> ps. if ur here for The Meat, sorry this turned out less horny than i originally intended  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then, there was James Anderson, an international marketing manager. Jian paused on his picture because he found him handsome. Exceedingly so.

" _...ich is why, actually, I thought of you._ "

The kid at the table across from him had snot dripping from his nose.

" _And don't say you don't have time. You don't have, y'know,_ " her hand waved around in his peripheral vision. " _a girlfriend or any clubs - I mean, except your sports._ "

The dad tried unsuccessfully to wipe it from his kid's face.

" _And, look, Jian honey, it's a one-time thing. Who knows_?" she leant forward. " _Maybe you'll meet a cute girl, hm? Start putting in the groundwork for my grandchildren._ "

He set his jaw, gaze falling away from the young family opposite and instead settling on his mother.

She laughed and leant back again. " _Honey, I'm joking._ " Her laughter faded but her grin remained. " _Really though. Is there not a single girl at school you fancy_?" 

He just glared at her and pulled his coffee toward himself. 

She sighed lightly.

He glowered at his drink. " _S'it 'bout_?"

" _What's what about_?"

He took a small sip before swallowing. " _The course. S'it for_?"

" _Oh._ " she smiled. " _Well, it's hosted by Emerwich for starters, so you can get a nice look around the campus. Or the faculty of business, at least. I'll send you the link._ " She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. " _But from what I read, it's just a surface-level introduction to international relations. There's lots of fun workshops and tutorials. Oh, and some guest speakers too. It'll give you a look into that area of work. You'd be good in international relations._ "

He squinted at her.

She laughed. " _Or you could come to be. It's just one weekend, Jian. Give it a go._ "

He drank some more of his coffee; swished it around his mouth. " _Mn._ " He finally agreed.

She beamed and clapped her hands a little bit.

* * *

He thought, watching Desmond trip over Leo's foot, about next year. They'll have graduated. His friends. He wondered if he'd make any new ones among his own year. Not likely. Desmond was adamant that being in different institutions would not affect their friendship. Jian wasn't sure. He knew how easily Desmond made friends, regardless of his location or situation. He naturally attracted people. Jian also knew Desmond would never willingly leave him behind. But Jian wouldn't be surprised if it just happened, without either of them really noticing.

He leant back on one hand, chewing on the straw of his milk tea.

He wondered if he would fail the year. The only reason he was currently scraping by was because of the help his friends gave him, having already done most of Jian's assignments last year. He'd be dropping calculus, at least.

Leo dodged around Benson and went for a shot. The ball circled the hoop before falling in. Behind Leo, Isaac hooted, jumping onto him piggyback style. Benson laughed around the word _fuck_. Desmond groaned, letting his head fall back to watch the sky. Dropping his gaze forward again, he lifted the hem of his tank top to wipe at the sweat on his face. Jian let his own gaze fall to the toned lines of Desmond's exposed stomach.

He'd thought idly about it before and hated the idea of a relationship with Desmond. Excluding Desmond's obvious heterosexuality, Jian would never want him as a boyfriend. That said, if - through a series of supernatural events - he proposed the idea of sleeping together, Jian would not hesitate to let Desmond fuck him.

He stopped chewing on his straw and actually drank his tea, feeling a mixture of frustration and disgust roll through him.

* * *

He had pot noodles for dinner. His mum had been working more and more night shifts at the hospital recently and understandably didn't always have time to cook. Last time Jian tried to cook for himself it was pasta. He'd burnt it. He didn't put in enough water and left it boiling a tad too long.

_Kitchen Nightmares_ played as he ate. While Gordon Ramsay got particularly angry, Jian pulled out his phone. It opened to his message log with his mum. Scrolling up, he found the link she'd sent him on Saturday and clicked on it.

It took him to a friendly website called YouthForYouth, to a specific page about a _once in a lifetime opportunity!_ \- a two-day programme introducing one to the _exciting_ world of international relations. He scrolled down to read more about it. The sign-up costs included catering and he zoomed in to inspect a picture of some example sandwiches. They looked tasty, he decided. He scrolled down further and reached a section titled _Our Guest Speakers: Meet the Experts!_ , below which was a series of pictures and bios.

The first one was for Nick Taylor, a professor of international relations at Emerwich. He looked very white, Jian thought. Next was someone called Alison Davis, a foreign affairs analyst. She looked only a little less white. There was a journalist called Michael Reed and he was thankfully not white at all. Then, there was James Anderson, an international marketing manager. Jian paused on his picture because he found him handsome. Exceedingly so.

He was white, predictably, but didn't have the same _white_ look that Nick Taylor did. He had brown hair. It was side-swept with short sides and a trimmed beard. His eyes were a dull green. Or maybe they were blue. Jian squinted at them and still couldn't decide. He had a straight nose and dark eyebrows. Jian was almost angered by his jawline; strong and defined. He was smiling softly, with no teeth; it was a very nice smile. Jian found it unusually difficult to place ages, but the man looked like he was somewhere in his thirties. He also looked very heterosexual.

Jian sighed and locked his phone, dropping it by his feet on the sofa and leaning back to stare at the ceiling.

"Oooooohhhhhh shit!"

"Yoooooo _nice_!!"

He closed his eyes. It seemed their upstairs neighbours were watching hockey again.

* * *

"A what now?" Benson looked at him over his sandwich.

Jian picked at his own sandwich. "Course 'n international relations."

Isaac laughed. "Why?"

Jian leant back, putting his legs up on the desk in front of him, avoiding the various lunches sprawled across it. "M' mum."

Desmond spoke around his mouthful of hot chips. "Ba thouw were gan pway skabool sat."

Jian squinted at him, not understanding a word.

Desmond rolled his eyes before swallowing and trying again. "But I thought we were gonna play basketball on Saturday? Against those boys from Eastlake."

Jian took a bite of his sandwich and frowned, trying to remember the Eastlake boys. "Joe 'n' Mitchell?"

"Yeah."

He bit the inside of his cheek. "Noah can play f'r me."

Desmond made a pathetic noise. "Noah can't play like you."

"Noah's great." Benson jumped in. "He's taller than all of Eastlake put together."

"Yeah, but he can't _do_ anything." Isaac said, throwing a roasted almond up in the air to catch in his mouth.

"Defence." Leo said. "Good." He elaborated nicely.

Desmond clicked his tongue.

"'Sides, we're playing for fun, man." Benson said. "There ain't no stakes."

" _Winning_!" Desmond told him emphatically. "The stakes are winning!"

Isaac snorted.

Jian hid his smile in his sandwich.

"Whatever. It's fine." Desmond sighed and scratched his nose. "But, uh, don't forget to tell us about it dude." He looked back to Jian and grinned. "I'm sure it'll be more fun than you think, right?"

Jian sincerely doubted that. Still, he nodded and took another bite of his food.

"Oh, yeah, guys, guys!" Benson leant forward on his chair and nearly toppled over, grabbing the edge of the desk for support just in time. "You see Maya Lewis perform at assembly today?"

"Oh boy, did I?''

"She's a fucking goddess, bro, I swear." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Anderson looked at him with raised eyebrows, mildly surprised, before he smiled easily and closed the door. "Hey."
> 
> Jian swallowed and sat up, feeling like a fucking idiot.

It started to rain while he waited and he scowled, pulling out his phone. It told him his bus was running a minute late. He shoved it back in his pocket and tugged his jacket tighter around himself. He'd tried to leave the house in a hoodie but his mother had pulled him back and forced him to change. _It's casual formal, Jian. That hoodie makes you look like a slob._

He tucked his chin down and inspected his shoes; some old trainers he'd been able to get away with. He scuffed one along the concrete and wondered at the faint nervousness in his gut. He glanced up for his bus. The idea of meeting new people was making him anxious. It annoyed him. He spotted the bus rounding the corner and stepped out to signal it. He didn't give a fuck about what people thought of him. At least, he didn't _want_ to.

The bus driver nodded and smiled as Jian tagged on and Jian made an effort not to scowl.

He hated having to interact with strangers. Small talk and politeness. He didn't understand it; didn't know when to say what; didn't see the point in making trivial noise with someone he was never going to meet again. There was also the fact that he didn't know what this weekend course really was. He got the basics, obviously, but he didn't know how it was gonna work, if there were any particulars he should have prepared for, anything like that. He bit the inside of his cheek and leant his head on the window, wondering how guilty he'd feel if he just didn't go.

* * *

There was a big sign at the entrance of the faculty's main building which read _sign-ins here please_. Straightforward. He headed over.

There were two girls behind the stall, students he supposed.

They both smiled, too big and too bright. "Hey there! Welcome! What's your name?"

"Nangong." Jian mumbled, his eyes dropping to the stall. There was a basket of name tags and Jian hoped he wouldn't have to wear one all day.

"Nangong?" the blonde one repeated slowly, her gaze falling to the open laptop in front of her. She had pale skin and big teeth.

"Jian Nangong." he clarified, spotting a pile of maps.

"Ah, found you!" the blonde said as her friend with frizzy hair started searching through the name tag basket. 

There was apparently some system to that basket as it didn't take her long to pull out a lanyard and hand it to him. "Need a map, my dude?" She had dark skin and soft features.

Jian scowled, the casualness taking him by surprise. "No." He struggled to read maps.

"Alrighty Aphrodite." frizzy hair hummed. "Just head down those stairs behind you and straight on into the first lecture theatre."

He dropped the lanyard around his neck and stepped back.

"And enjoy the day!" the blonde beamed.

He nodded once and turned away.

A fair few others were milling about and he felt distinctly out of place. He wondered if part of sending him on this course was his mother wishing he was more studious. She'd always maintained that she didn't mind about his grades so long as he passed. Which he perhaps took a little too literally. Surely she hoped for better.

The lecture theatre was big and bright and noisy. Jian took a seat on the left, toward the back. He purposefully chose the seating in the emptiest area and pulled out his phone. Desmond had texted him at some point, asking how he was finding it. He sent a short reply that conveyed well enough the general idea that he was not having an excellent time. Someone sat beside him.

Despite the many, many, _ever_ so many empty seats, someone sat directly beside him.

And then they pushed their luck further, sticking on a stupid smile and shoving their hand in front of Jian's face. "Hey, how's it goin'? I'm Callum."

Jian looked at the hand, considered his options briefly, and decided to ignore the guy. He exited his message log with Desmond and opened _Subway Surfer_ _s_.

The hand hovered for a moment longer, before the guy cleared his throat and dropped it. "Cool." He breathed. He sat for a moment more, then cleared his throat again and stood. "Uh, maybe- maybe catch you later dude." He tried before scuttling off down the aisle, looking, no doubt, for easier prey.

The hall began to fill a little quicker now and after 10 or so minutes had passed, things started to happen. The cheesy, background pop music was turned off and someone made their way to the microphone set up at the front.

She introduced herself as Amanda Sutton and went on to welcome everybody. Jian continued his game, much to the visible disapproval of his new, less friendly neighbour. He vaguely followed her as she talked about ground rules, then went over the itinerary and structure of the course. She mentioned the workshops and tutorials would be done in groups of 10 to 15 and that those groups were printed beneath the names on their name tags. That prompted Jian to pause his game and look down at the 27C under his name. She then mentioned the guest speakers which also held Jian's attention and he actually looked up, locking his phone in the process.

More people had appeared at the front and Jian's eyes easily found the guy he'd seen on the website. The handsome one. The woman at the microphone stepped back and someone else took her place. Jian remembered this guy as well. He introduced himself as Nick Taylor but Jian's gaze soon drifted back to the other one. James Something, Jian thought. Andrews or Allen or Adams. He was wearing a navy suit. In the picture online, he was also wearing a suit, but given it showed only the chest up, there wasn't much to see. Now, however, there wasn't much Jian couldn't see. The suit was very well-fitted and Jian hoped this guy had a really squeaky voice or _something_ to make him less attractive.

People started to clap and Nick Taylor shuffled off, only to be replaced with Allison Davis, who was replaced in turn by Micheal Reed, who was then finally replaced by-

"-James Anderson, I work for a company called Alpire, and we're an international company involved in media and marketing. My job," he smiled; soft and easy and genuine. "is as an international marketing manager." His voice, Jian noticed with no shortage of frustration, was deep, gentle and smooth, yet a little husky and Jian couldn't decide if this man was the reason he should get the fuck off this course or actually try to engage with it. "I'm super stoked to be here, and also super thankful to all of you for coming along." There was another smile and Jian clicked his thumb joint with his middle finger. "It's really cool to see so many young people wanting to learn, and I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. Aside from my talk later," He slipped a hand into the pocket of his slacks. "I'll be doing a workshop with groups from A through to, uh, F, as Amanda said, and I'll also be helping with the UN-style committee session for those same groups tomorrow. Feel free to ask me any questions or start a conversation if you see me around; don't be shy. I'm also here to learn and I'm honoured by the opportunity for us to do that together." He smiled yet again and gave a small nod. "Cheers guys."

Jian almost clapped along with everyone else as Mr. Anderson moved back beside the other guest speakers. He then looked down at his name tag and reread the 27C. Groups A through to F included C. Despite everything, that realisation made his stomach jump and he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek. He should leave.

Amanda Sutton came back and explained a couple more things before putting a spreadsheet on the projector behind her. It showed what rooms and tutors each group was assigned to. Jian squinted at it and took a long while to make out the _23C - 33C: ROOM 807 with DAVID and JESSICA._

He stayed in his seat as other people started to move because there were a lot of them and he'd rather avoid crowds. When he deemed it safe - when he was probably about to be late - he reluctantly pushed himself up and made for the exit.

He didn't know where to start in terms of finding 807, so headed for the stall he'd signed in at. The blonde was gone now but frizzy hair was still there, on her phone. Jian glanced at the pile of maps and wondered if attempting to read one would be a nicer experience than asking this girl for directions.

At that point, she looked up, blinked, then grinned and made the decision for him. "Heya Nangong. You good?"

He scowled, wondering how she was able to recall his name. "Findin' eight-oh-seven."

"Eight-oh-seven," she repeated. "I'll take you man. I don't need to be here anymore, I don't think."

He didn't really reply to that, just sort of nodded.

She grinned again and stood up. "I'm Mia, by the way. Samia."

He refrained from telling her he didn't ask and instead fell into step behind her as she made her way across the foyer and over to some lifts.

"Damn, you just don't shut up, huh?" she joked, pushing the going-up button before stepping back and crossing her arms over her chest. "Nah, it's cool. More people should learn how to be quiet."

He dug his hands into his jacket pockets.

"You a high-schooler?"

The lift dinged and Jian let out a grunt of affirmation.

"Neat, neat." she stepped in and he followed. "What school?"

"Kinnick." he muttered, watching her press button number 8.

"Oh for real?" she grinned and nudged him with her elbow. "That's my high-school! What year are you? We might've co-existed."

"Second."

"Ah." she clicked her tongue. "Nah. I missed you. I was there four years ago."

Jian watched the lift count the levels. Four, five, s-

"Giffard still hanging around?"

Jian dropped his eyes to his trainers. "Chemistry?"

She laughed. "Yeah."

"Mn."

"Dang, he must be about a hundred and two by now."

Jian snorted.

She grinned, nudging his shoulder again as the lift dinged. "The ice queen is melting."

His amusement died and he arranged his face back into a scowl, following her out of the lift and down the hallway.

"So, you into this kinda thing? What d'you wanna study?"

"Dance." he muttered, hoping to throw her off.

"Oh cool." she accepted easily, turning a corner. "That's cool dude. I'm big into dance too."

He bit this inside of his cheek.

"What studio are you with? I'm at Orare." she came to a stop before a door and peeked through the window, before looking back at Jian.

"Yarbury." he muttered.

"Ooh, elite." she grinned, then nodded to the door in front of them. "You're late, by the way." She snorted. "And good fucking luck with David. He's a massive prick."

Jian glanced through the door's window himself, eyes landing on a tall, lanky blond in front of the whiteboard. "'Kay." He muttered, stepping forward and reaching for the handle.

"Have fun."

* * *

He did not have fun. David was, indeed, a massive prick. Jessica was nice.

"You need to make an effort." David had made his way to where Jian was seated at the back, looking out the big window, down on the highway.

Jian followed a yellow car with his eyes. "Don't know what's goin' on." He mumbled.

David clicked his tongue and bobbed down beside him as the others continued their discussion about what globalisation meant. "Because you haven't been paying attention."

Jian set his jaw, spotting an ugly red mini. "S'not-" He cut himself off and decided not to bother.

"Contribute at least one idea to this discussion. Stop wasting our time."

Jian wondered absently how long it would take him to hit the ground if he jumped from the window.

David sighed and moved back to stand beside Jessica.

"...ing down barriers, which makes trade easier and more profitable."

"Interesting. Nice idea." Jessica nodded. "More profitable where? Anyone want to expand on that?"

David caught Jian's eye. "Jian?"

Jian glared at him, feeling the eyes of everyone else crawl all over him. He genuinely didn't have a clue what was going on, despite trying his best - initially, at least - to follow it all. He maintained angry eye-contact with David. "Ain't expandin' on shit."

Someone gasped and someone else snorted.

Jian turned back to the window.

David muttered something under his breath while Jessica chuckled nervously. "Okay. Uh." She scratched her cheek. "Okay. So... what- what about taking advantage of opportunities in foreign markets, right? Like, building factories or establishing production arrangements. What about that?"

"Well, my thoughts-- or at least, my thoughts inspired by reading the _fantastic_ Ericka Bull, go something like this:" a greasy red-head a few empty seats down from Jian started.

Jian pulled out his phone.

* * *

He decided he wasn't coming back for day two. Maybe Desmond would be able to convince some of the Eastlakers to play again tomorrow. Jian could even leave during the lunch break; might be able to make it in time for some part of today's stuff. There was a high chance Noah would be pissed if he did that. But Noah was a bit of a wanker, so Jian was sure he could live with it.

He'd achieved a new high-score on _Subway Surfers_ and taken a sort of nap while there was a heated debate on the different approaches to peace negotiation. He hadn't actually fallen asleep, but the sun had been falling directly onto him through the large window; even David would've been compelled to close his eyes and enjoy the warmth, if only for a moment.

"A real great effort." David nodded, clapping his hands at the front of the room. "From all but one, not naming any names." He spared a second to look directly at Jian.

Jian flipped him off.

"Anyway!" he looked away. "We'll break for ten and you guys can have a snack, a drink, a wander, whatever. And then!" He rubbed his hands together in a way that suggested, to Jian at least, that he enjoyed watching children cry. "We'll meet back here at half-past when we'll be joined by Mr. James Anderson, who'll lead a workshop on the logistics of international marketing and where international relations ties into all that."

There was a ripple of interest throughout the room and Mr. Oily down from Jian let out a raspy, _fascinating!_ under his breath.

Jian stayed in the room while everyone else drifted out in groups of two to three. He wasn't hungry and even if he was, he didn't think he'd be able to find his way back to the room with his sense of direction. Which obviously wouldn't be a problem. He was having a truly shit time. But, and as much as it frustrated him, he wanted to stay for this next workshop. Not, of course, for any reason other than how nice James Anderson was to look at.

He called Desmond.

" _Sup my number one_?"

Jian let out a soft snort. " _'Lo_."

" _I take it you're having a fantastic time_?"

" _Mn_." Jian agreed, swinging his chair around and wheeling it directly in front of the big window. " _Room's cool though._ " He said; he liked how high up he was and he liked that the window ran from wall-to-wall.

" _Yeah_?"

" _S'got. Big window. Fr'm one wall t' the other._ "

" _Oh cool._ "

" _Yeah, cos 'm on the eighth floor. So. S'cool view._ "

" _Always one for the positives._ " Desmond laughed. " _Is it really shit_?"

Jian nodded to no one. " _Don't fuckin' 'nderstand what 'nyone's on about. Feel so stupid._ " He said. " _I don't- it'd be fine 'f it was a-- art course or- cos then, even 'f I's shit, at least I'd know_ what _I's shit at. But. What- what the fuck's statecraft_?"

Desmond laughed again. " _Well, I'm at Freyberg's. Leo's sleeping on the grass and Benson has just shot two-hundred hoops._ "

Jian scowled. " _Fuck off._ " He swung slightly from side to side. " _Eastlake there yet_?"

" _Only Joe - he and Isaac have gone to buy snacks for everyone._ "

" _Oh._ " Jian nodded. " _You playin' one game_?"

" _Uh,_ " he heard Desmond exhale. " _guess we'll see how it goes. I reckon we'll play more than one though, yeah. Probably make it best of three._ "

Jian chewed his lip for a second. " _'F y'make it best 'f five, we could play the decidin' game t'morrow._ " He suggested.

" _Yeah_?" he could hear the smile in Desmond's voice. " _You skipping that thing tomorrow_?"

" _Sure 's fuck ain't comin' back._ "

" _Alright._ " Desmond laughed. " _I'll ask the guys. If they can't make it, you can just come to mine and I'll beat you at_ Mario Kart."

Jian smiled. " _You wish asshole._ "

Desmond snorted. " _Fucking respect your elders._ "

" _Earn my respect._ " Jian retorted.

" _Oh, he knows how to play._ " Desmond laughed. " _I'm sorry, though._ " He said. " _That you're having a shit time._ "

Jian snorted and leant to rest his head on the back of his chair, in order to stare at the white ceiling. " _Not your fault. Sure I'll manage._ "

" _That's my boy._ "

Jian laughed quietly. " _'Kay. You can go back t' havin' fun._ "

" _Alright._ " Desmond hummed. " _Later._ "

" _Mn_ _._ " Jian sounded, before hanging up and tucking his phone back in his pocket.

He remained staring at the ceiling for an ambiguous amount of time, before he began to spin in his chair, wondering how long it would take him to get dizzy.

The door to the room opened and Jian stopped spinning because if it was David, he was happy to risk getting lost if it meant he could avoid being alone in a room with him.

It wasn't David and Jian wasn't sure if that was fortunate or unfortunate.

James Anderson looked at him with raised eyebrows, mildly surprised, before he smiled easily and closed the door. "Hey."

Jian swallowed and sat up, feeling like a fucking idiot.

He didn't know what to do. If he should say _hey_ back; if he should say something more respectful like _hello_ ; or perhaps something more sophisticated like _good morning_ ; maybe he should just smile. He did none of those. He scowled. Because that was what he did when he felt surprised or cornered or embarrassed or nervous or confused and he was currently feeling all of that.

Mr. Anderson cleared his throat lightly, then crossed to the desk at the front of the room and put down his MacBook, take-out cup and folder. He looked like a teacher and Jian thought he would skip a whole lot less school if he taught Jian. He might even consciously try to improve his grades. Mr. Anderson opened his laptop and rubbed one hand over his beard, while the other fiddled with the device's trackpad. Jian swallowed again and wondered how long he was going to be hyper-aware of everything.

After a minute or so, Mr. Anderson stepped back and picked his coffee up. His eyes found Jian again and he smiled. "So, you having a good time?"

Jian did his best not to scowl. He nodded once, unsure what would come out if he opened his mouth and deciding it wasn't worth the risk.

Mr. Anderson's smile widened. "Good." His eyes dropped a little. "Jian Nangong. Nice to meet you."

Jian's heart jumped into his throat, his own eyes dropping to the name tag around his neck.

"Did I pronounce that right?" he asked.

Jian looked back up. Nodded again. And then, after a beat, added stiffly, "First time a white person hasn't needed help." - they tended to pronounce it like Gian.

Mr. Anderson chuckled softly. "I work with a lot of Chinese people. My pronunciation needed a lot of work for a long time."

Jian didn't know what response to give that. He stuck to what he knew and nodded yet again.

Mr. Anderson slipped his free hand into his slacks pocket and he took a sip of coffee. "So, do you want to work in international relations?" He asked and even though he was making small talk and even though Jian fucking hated small talk, he couldn't think of a worse decision he could make right now than to withdraw from this conversation.

"Mn." he managed, before realising that was a lie and wondering if he should fix it. "Or." He started, looking off to the side. "No. Actually."

"That's okay." Mr. Anderson chuckled again. "What do you want to do?"

Jian chewed his lip, wondering what the right answer was. He dropped his eyes to the light blue carpet and wondered if the truth would sound juvenile. But what else was there? His eyes flicked up to Mr. Anderson's. They were green. Not blue. "Dance." He muttered. "Or fitness. Somethin' like that."

"Oh yeah?" he looked surprised, but pleasantly so. "That's cool. So you do a lot of sports and stuff?" He came out from behind the front desk and moved to a student one in the front row, leaning back on it and crossing his ankles.

Jian nodded.

Mr. Anderson took another sip of coffee. "What like? Basketball?"

Jian nodded again. "Play f'r m' school. 'N' also 'n a social league with m' friends. Do some swimmin' f'r the school, too." Jian could feel the tips of his ears heating up and wondered how much Mr. Anderson wanted to listen to some random high-schooler list off his extracurriculars.

"Impressive." he laughed and Jian wasn't sure if it was genuine, or if Mr. Anderson was politely mocking him. "And I guess you do dance on top of all that?"

Jian nodded, deciding that perhaps speaking as little as possible would decrease the chance of him killing what little interest Mr. Anderson had.

"Must be busy." he hummed. "But that's awesome."

Jian nodded once more.

"So how'd you get here?" Mr. Anderson grinned, tilting his head to the side.

"M' mum." Jian admitted and he suddenly felt the need to reassure Mr. Anderson that he really did want to learn something. Unfortunately for everyone, he was a fucking moron.

Mr. Anderson laughed. "I see." He drank some more coffee. "That's cool. Giving stuff a go, I mean." He rested his free hand on the edge of the desk. "More people should put themselves in unfamiliar situations, that's where personal growth comes from."

Jian nodded for what must have been the billionth time and his chest tightened with the understanding that Mr. Anderson was saying Jian was doing something good.

Mr. Anderson chuckled again, his gaze dropping to his shoes before it rested back on Jian, warm and lightly amused. "You're a quiet guy, huh?"

Jian swallowed thickly, trying to think of something other to do than nod.

The door opened and Jian was almost disappointed.

Almost became greatly when he saw it was David returning.

David looked just as pleased to see Jian. "You didn't have anything to eat?" He asked with a great deal of disinterest.

Jian scowled. "Not hungry."

David just looked flatly at him. "Your brain works better when it's fed. Not that yours seems capable of much."

Jian continued to scowl, embarrassment knotting in his stomach.

Mr. Anderson cleared his throat, pushing off the desk.

David startled. "Oh shit. I- I mean. Sorry. I didn't... see you."

"Uh huh." Mr. Anderson moved back to the front desk and took the seat behind it. "Regardless of my presence," He said, sounding almost bored. "you shouldn't be a dick."

David opened his mouth, closed it, shot Jian a glare and muttered. "Right. Yeah. Sorry."

Others soon started filtering back in and Jian returned his chair to its original spot in the back-right corner. He didn't pull out his phone and tried not to stare vacantly out the window.

Once everyone had arrived and settled, Mr. Anderson stood again and moved out from behind the desk. "Okay." He started. "Hi. For those who forgot, I'm James Anderson, I'm an international marketing manager, I work for Alpire. Since I'm not going to talk about the actual details of that here, and it may be harder for some of you to ask questions at my talk later, does anyone have initial questions about that?"

Mr. Oily's hand flew straight up and Jian watched Mr. Anderson smile at him just as he'd smiled at Jian, before reading his name tag just as he'd read Jian's. "Jackson, shoot."

Jackson shot. "Firstly, I am inspired everyday by the work Alpire does." His voice was incredibly nasal. "Secondly, I'm intrigued by the research side of the job, can you expand on that at all?"

Mr. Anderson did expand on it and Jian followed closely the whole time. Although he understood every word Mr. Anderson said, he couldn't help feeling he was missing out on some crucial context. A girl apparently named Emily then asked how an international marketing plan was developed and Mr. Anderson happily explained this also. Again, Jian understood the words being spoken but couldn't grasp the wider concepts. He gave up altogether when Charlotte asked what kind of customers were effectively marketed to with international marketing.

James Anderson's face was open and sincere while he spoke. Mid-way through this answer, he stripped off his blazer and Jian's eyes fell to his chest. He set his jaw. Mr. Anderson had the ideal body proportions because of course he did; his shoulders were broad and his hips were narrow. He was a fair bit bigger than Jian. The white dress shirt he wore was far too well-fitted and the way his slacks sat on his hips was most unfair. Jian resolutely kept his gaze away from his crotch.

He made a lot of hand gestures as he talked and Jian fixed his eyes on his hands. This prompted him to notice the plain gold band on his left ring finger. And then Jian felt like shit. Because the guy he'd been checking out, for nearly 10 minutes now, was married. Not that anything could ever happen. But Jian felt at least a little less gross and pathetic when he was checking out somebody single.

He scowled and leant forward on his desk, lying his head in his arms. He heard David make an obnoxious noise of distaste.

Mr. Anderson only took one more question after that and his response was mercifully brief. As he started the actual workshop, Jian peeked out from his arms in a weak show of interest. Mr. Anderson spotted this and rewarded him with a small smile. Jian scowled.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was just gone quarter-to when Mr. Anderson offered Jian a lift home.

"Jian?"

Jian lifted his head from his arms.

Mr. Anderson was stood in front of his desk. He wore a small smile. "Still having a good time, huh?" It came out a little dry.

Jian swallowed and looked around; everyone else seemed to be scrawling things down on these big A3 sheets and talking amongst themselves.

Mr. Anderson pulled out a chair from the desk opposite Jian's and took a seat. "Do you eat KFC?"

Jian, confused, shook his head.

Mr. Anderson smiled. "Okay. Let's say KFC was entering China for the first time, right?" He started, moving one leg up and resting his ankle over his knee. "Would they need to change anything first, or do you think they could go straight in and make a big profit?"

Jian blinked at him, still very much confused. "KFC?"

"Mmhm." Mr. Anderson nodded, smile still curling his lips.

Jian cleared his throat. "Chinese people like fried chicken a lot." He said. "So s'fine."

Mr. Anderson breathed out a laugh. "Okay. Uh. What... what about all the sides? Like, the coleslaw and mashed potato and everything."

Jian squinted at him. "I don't-" He set his jaw and looked down at the desk, trying to think. "-then change the menu." He muttered. "F'r Chinese tastes."

"Yeah?" Mr. Anderson prodded. "For example?"

Jian flicked his eyes up to him. "It-" He bit the inside of his lip as he thought. "-egg tarts or-- 'n' congee, maybe. Milk tea. Curry."

Mr. Anderson grinned. "That's it. You just adapted a product for an international market."

Jian dropped his eyes again, unsure how to respond.

Mr. Anderson made a small noise before reaching for a leftover A3 paper and sliding it in front of Jian. "So. Now that you've done that, do you wanna think about how we can separate cultural values?"

Jian stared at the blank page. "No thanks."

Mr. Anderson snorted and ignored him, taking a pen from his pocket and setting it to the paper. At the top, he began neatly writing _culture is:_ then looked up to Jian and raised his eyebrows.

Jian set his jaw.

Mr. Anderson breathed out a laugh. "What is culture, Jian? Think about what you experience being Asian in America."

"Language." he said and Mr. Anderson bullet pointed it beneath _culture is:_.

"What else?"

He thought about one of the first things to strike him when they'd moved here. "Religion."

"Mm." Mr. Anderson added that one too.

"Education." Jian tried.

Mr. Anderson tilted his head. "Expand?"

Jian scowled and didn't know how. "How educated people are."

Mr. Anderson nodded. "So the general level of education, rather than the system itself?"

Jian wasn't sure; "Nn." could be taken as an affirmative or negative.

It was apparently taken as an affirmative and _average education level_ joined the list. "Got any more?"

"I don't... social-" he tried to remember the phrase his last year's history teacher had used. "-social. Conditions."

Mr. Anderson smiled. "Such as?"

Jian would probably tell anyone else to get fucked at this point, but the way Mr. Anderson asked these things didn't bother Jian in any way other than he didn't want to disappoint. "Food 'n' healthcare. Unemployment."

"Good." he added _social conditions_ to the list before dropping the pen. "That should be enough." He turned the paper around for Jian and asked, "And what do these things do?"

Jian stared at the pen as it rolled a little. "D'you mean?"

"In terms of a society," Mr. Anderson explained. "how do these things play a role?"

"It." Jian looked at the list in front of him and the letters wriggled about as they usually did. "They. 'Nfluence people."

"In what way?" Mr. Anderson asked.

Jian snorted, genuinely amused now because this was more than any teacher had ever done to try to help him. Mr. Anderson had no reason to do this, either, yet did it so naturally. Glancing up, he saw Mr. Anderson was smiling too. "Y'ever gonna just accept m' answers?"

Mr. Anderson's smile grew, only a fraction. "Not when I know you can do better."

Jian swallowed, his amusement dying because he didn't expect such sincerity. He looked off to the side. "I don't-" Leo's latest run-in with his sociology teacher popped into his head. "-m' friend 'n' his friend were-- sent t' the deans f'r disrespectin' staff cos. They were talkin' 'bout the lesson t'gether 'n' the teacher told them t' stop, real quiet. 'N' they asked why, cos they were just discussin' the lesson. 'N' so-- they're both black 'n' the teacher's white. 'N' m' friend said-" Jian felt himself begin to lose his coherency. "-he didn't stop talkin' cos he thought the teacher didn't mean it. Cos his- his cultural-- norm is t'-- say things like you mean them. 'N' the teacher. Didn't." Jian finished, feeling stupid.

To his complete surprise, Mr. Anderson laughed softly. "Exactly." He nodded to the pen and Jian cautiously picked it up. He was unsure, predictably, of what to write so glanced at Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson chuckled. "They affect people's priorities and the way they react in different situations."

Jian nodded and began scrawling something along those lines, feeling self-conscious of his disgusting handwriting.

"Okay." Mr. Anderson said when Jian came to the end of his sentence. "So, what does this mean in terms of a company?"

Jian spun the pen on his fingers not understanding. He chewed the inside of his lip, unwilling to admit it.

Mr. Anderson just smiled and rested a hand - the one with the wedding ring - on his knee, the other scratched the side of his nose. "Alright. For example, let's say there's this basketballer, who's entirely unfamiliar with football. He's assigned as captain to a football team. What does his experience as a basketballer mean in that situation?"

"S'not-" Jian watched the pen as he spun it on his knuckles. "-s'not gonna have 'ny skill- or-- ain't gonna know how t' dribble or tackle or 'nythin'. S'gonna wanna use his hands."

"Mmhm, which means what for the team?"

Jian frowned, wondering why they were suddenly talking about sport. He reread Mr. Anderson's _culture is:_ and suddenly something connected. "Oh." He murmured.

Mr. Anderson chuckled lightly. "Oh?"

"S'like-- 'n American manager can't 'xpect t' manage a-- Chinese team the way he manages 'n American team. Gotta 'nderstand how t' respond t' stuff 'n a- culturally-- appropriate way."

Mr. Anderson leant back in his chair and his lips twitched as he regarded Jian.

Jian didn't know what it meant, but his chest tightened because he thought Mr. Anderson was pleased with him.

"Should--" he lamely gestured with the pen.

Mr. Anderson smiled. "Sure. Write it down."

He watched Jian do so quietly for a moment.

And then he spoke. "Not having much knowledge on global affairs, globalisation, et cetera, isn't a comment on your intelligence, by the way." He told Jian. "And it's okay that you're quiet. The fact that everyone else in this room seems to know all this stuff that you don't might be intimidating, but it doesn't say anything."

Jian finished writing and glanced up with a lowered head. He didn't like the way his gut was starting to twist.

"I get why you..." he made a small gesture. "nap and stare out the window and whatever. And especially with assholes like-" Mr. Anderson paused, brows furrowing slightly. "-Daniel?"

Jian bit back a smile. "David." He quietly corrected.

"David." Mr. Anderson nodded. "What he said, y'know earlier, wasn't cool. But the fact that you're here anyway, despite having - I'm guessing at this point - zero interest in this area of study _is_ cool." He said. "So I don't want you to feel stupid, because only someone with a poor understanding of reality would expect you to be as informed as the people who have actually dedicated time to this stuff." He wasn't smiling, just looking at Jian with such sincerity and firmness that Jian swallowed and broke eye-contact. He was finding it a bit much. "Put David in a basketball game and he'd feel like an idiot. You're doing really well, Jian."

Jian felt like there was something a lot bigger than butterflies in his stomach. Mr. Anderson's steady gaze began to feel hot. He swallowed again. Put the pen down. Wracked his brain for some way to respond. He decided the best course of action was escape and muttered, without looking back up, "Need t' piss." and then, with ever so much grace, he pushed back from his desk and made straight for the door.

He wandered down the hallway until he reached a sort of student lounge that was thankfully empty. He dropped onto a red armchair and glared at the carpet. Obviously, he'd experienced attraction before; had the odd crush, too. However, _this_ was fucking ridiculous. He could hardly even breath proper and he didn't _understand_.

He scuffed a shoe along the carpet and considered the fact that this was the most physically attracted he'd been to anyone, ever, hands down. Couple that with the singular attention Mr. Anderson had given him; the time he actively took to help and encourage Jian and it started to make some sense.

He muttered out a curse and leant back in order to glower at the ceiling.

He wasn't sure at this point if he'd go back. Maybe he should just nosy around campus. Something in the back of his mind told him that would probably disappoint Mr. Anderson and the thought made something in his stomach turn. He then rationalised that Mr. Anderson did not actually have any emotional investment in him whatsoever. Jian was just some kid he was getting paid to help. The something in the back of his mind then said that if he didn't go back, he'd have just wasted a solid chunk of Mr. Anderson's time and Jian let out another curse, screwing his eyes shut.

* * *

10 or so minutes passed until Jian pushed himself off the chair. If Mr. Anderson hadn't already figured out Jian hadn't gone to the bathroom, he would have by now because no one took this long to pee.

Everyone except Jackson (who was furiously taking notes) looked at Jian as he re-entered room 807. Mr. Anderson was back at the front and was pointing to something on the projector behind him. He shot Jian a warm smile before continuing to explain whatever it was he was explaining. Jian scowled and returned to his place at the back.

The A3 paper was where he'd left it and he dropped his eyes to it. There was a doodle now at the top, upside down, facing the chair where Mr. Anderson had been sat. Jian turned the paper in order to get a better look.

It was a crudely drawn man, looking upset as a basketball hit him on the head. The t-shirt he wore said _DANIEL_ in Mr. Anderson's neat script. Jian bit his lip to hold back a smile. His eyes flicked up to Mr. Anderson at the front and he was immediately met with a quick grin before the slide changed and Mr. Anderson continued with whatever he was on about.

* * *

It was curry for lunch. Butter chicken with rice. There was a big cafeteria set up, filled with far too many people and Jian really didn't think so. He spotted some stairs leading somewhere and headed over to them. They took him to a hallway which he followed until he found himself in the back end of the foyer. He could eat outside, on the concrete in front of the building. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he moved further into the foyer, looking around for other options. He spotted a balcony. Empty and almost sunny.

He sat cross-legged on a long wooden bench and put his wooden fork to the side as he cracked the lid off his curry. He was expecting sandwiches but he wasn't entirely disappointed. It smelt very nice. He did fucking love sandwiches, though. He retrieved his fork and stabbed at a piece of chicken, which was delivered swiftly into his waiting mouth.

He wasn't going back for the last tutorial before Nick Taylor's talk. After Nick Taylor's it was James Anderson's; the other two guest speakers doing theirs tomorrow. With his right hand, and balancing the container of curry on his left knee, he pulled out his phone to check the time. It was currently 1:43. Mr. Anderson's talk was at 3:30. He locked his phone and placed it beside him, moving his focus back to his curry. That gave Jian - he scowled trying to do the maths - a little under three- no, two hours to find the faculty of music and dance. He wanted to check out the new theatre Desmond told him they'd had built.

"Hey."

Jian looked up, mouth full of rice.

Mr. Anderson was leant on the doorframe leading out to the balcony. He smiled. "Company?" He offered.

Jian was fucking sick of the goddamn nerves swarming his stomach. He swallowed, shrugged and looked back to his lunch.

Mr. Anderson came over and dropped beside him. He had a bento box, not curry. Jian frowned at it, unsure about whether or not he was envious. Mr. Anderson snorted lightly, his chopsticks starting on the salad. "They spent more money on our catering. How's your curry?"

Jian looked away and stabbed another piece of chicken. "S'good." He mumbled. He could smell Mr. Anderson's cologne as he lifted his chopsticks to his mouth and Jian set his jaw. It smelt so fucking good. The chicken slid off his fork. "Fuck."

There was another sound of amusement from Mr. Anderson.

Jian picked it back up and successfully manoeuvred it to his mouth. He wasn't sure what to say, if anything. Maybe Mr. Anderson preferred to eat in silence. He was sitting quite close. Jian could feel his body heat. Frustration joined the nerves in his gut. He swallowed. "Liked the-- picture." He ended up muttering as he scowled at his lunch.

Mr. Anderson chuckled, looking over. "Mm. I got kind of bored."

Jian hadn't expected that. Evidently, Mr. Anderson could tell.

He sighed and tipped his head back. "I don't know." He said before returning his gaze to Jian. "This isn't what I do - mentoring or educating. And I'm having a good time, but damn if some of these kids aren't pretentious and entitled and-- self-important." He let out a breath of laughter. "So I was waiting for you to get back because I was enjoying working with you."

Jian's stomach twisted sharply.

"But you took a while and I got bored." he picked up a tempura shrimp and took a bite.

"Coulda worked with someone else." Jian muttered because this new knowledge was doing nothing to ease the tight heat in his chest.

"I liked working with you." Mr. Anderson easily reiterated, as if he wasn't causing Jian's entire heart to beat in his fucking throat.

Jian stuffed a forkful of rice and curry into his mouth and considered bolting again.

"So." Mr. Anderson said before Jian had time to think up an excuse. "What would you usually be doing if your mum hadn't signed you up for a course you didn't want to be on?"

Quiet amusement pattered through Jian's chest and he pushed a piece of chicken around his container. "S'a casual game t'day. 'Gainst some boys fr'm another school."

Mr. Anderson made a sound of interest. "Basketball? Are you sad you're not playing?"

"Mn." Jian answered both questions. "S'okay though, cos the Eastlake boys sometimes bring their girlfriends, 'n' last time one 'f them started hittin' on m' friend 'n' it got weird 'n' tense."

Mr. Anderson laughed. "I can imagine." He ate some salad then glanced over and asked, "What about you? Ever bring your girlfriend to watch you play?"

Jian scowled. His stomach dropped pathetically and he busied himself with collecting food on his fork. He forgot from time to time that heterosexuality was the default. "No." He muttered, shovelling the food into his mouth.

Mr. Anderson looked away. "Guess she could be a distraction, huh?"

Jian swallowed, now feeling more frustrated than nervous. "Ain't got one."

"Oh." Mr. Anderson accepted.

Jian swallowed again.

"So you play basketball most weekends?"

He felt a sense of relief at the way Mr. Anderson effortlessly moved the conversation on. "Or somethin'." He said. "Depends 'n who's free."

Mr. Anderson nodded. "Sounds fun."

"Mn." Jian was beginning to feel full and looked up from his food.

He wondered if he should contribute more to the conversation; ask Mr. Anderson some questions back. Maybe that would overstep boundaries though. He chewed his lip and tried to think of something safe to ask. His mind, as ever, gave him nothing.

"So which school are you at?" Mr. Anderson asked, leaving the last of his salad uneaten and putting the otherwise empty tray to the side. His body turned minutely toward Jian.

"Kinnick." Jian mumbled. "Near Colmore."

"Oh right." Mr. Anderson smiled with recognition. "What year are you in?"

"Second." Jian tried to decide if he should finish what little was left of his lunch, or if he should save it for later.

Mr. Anderson hummed. "So you're... seventeen?"

Jian decided he may as well finish it and shook his head as he went for another mouthful. "Sixteen." He corrected after swallowing. He was still feeling anxious, but it was beginning to subside. He wondered if that was because it was actually dissipating, or if he was just growing accustomed to it.

"Oh." Mr. Anderson didn't seem surprised, exactly, but nor did he seem _un_ surprised. "Is it a good school?" He continued. "Do you like it there?"

Jian frowned, considering his answer while chewing on another mouthful. He enjoyed seeing his friends and he enjoyed his sports. He hated the education. "S'okay." He finally decided. "Teachers are shit."

Mr. Anderson laughed. "Is that right?" He began to undo the cuffs of his dress shirt. "Bad people, or just bad at teaching?" He asked, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows and exposing his forearms.

Jian's eyes were stuck to the newly exposed skin and his mind lagged. "Uh." Not to sound like a repressed Victorian maiden but, Jian noticed, his forearms were toned, lightly tanned and with a couple of prominent veins.

He decided to throw himself off the balcony.

"It-" he swallowed and dragged his eyes away, ears feeling hot. He weakly hoped Mr. Anderson hadn't noticed any of his weirdo behaviour. "-the teachers." He repeated, mind finally rebooting.

Mr. Anderson's lips twitched as he waited for Jian's full answer and Jian was certain it was a bad sign.

"M' dance 'n' P.E teachers are fine." Jian mumbled, breaking eye-contact and scooping up some curry. "'Veryone else's okay at teachin' I guess. 'St not m' style."

Mr. Anderson smiled. "What's your style?"

Jian suddenly felt the urge to withdraw from the conversation. He didn't understand why Mr. Anderson was asking so many questions, as if he was genuinely interested. He swallowed. It didn't make sense. Jian was just wasting his time. His stomach knotted. "Don't-" He glanced up. "-y'don't have t'-" He swallowed again. "-sit with me 'n'- I ain't- don't want t'-" Jian was often left to marvel at his own articulative skills. "-'m fine by m'self."

Mr. Anderson's head tilted to the side. "Do you want me to leave?" He asked earnestly.

No, Jian didn't. "I just mean," He lowered his gaze to Mr. Anderson's shoes. "y'don't have t' try 'n'- 'nclude me or whatever. I ain't- s'not- s'just wastin' your time."

A flicker of a frown ran across Mr. Anderson's face. "You're not wasting my time." He said. "I said before; I like your company."

Jian swallowed.

"But if you want me to go, I can."

"Don't-" Jian clenched his jaw and regretted saying anything now. "-forget it." He pushed the last bit of rice and curry around the container. "Don't know 'bout m' style." He started. "S'just some teachers are racist or-- 'n' 've got dyslexia, so they all think 'm stupid, which," A chunk of chicken split in half and he stopped smearing it around, instead scooping everything left onto his fork. "'s'kinda true. But." The forkful went into his mouth.

Mr. Anderson hummed, stretching his legs out in front of himself and crossing his ankles. "In my opinion, no one's stupid."

Jian privately disagreed, swallowing his mouthful.

"Every person takes information in and processes it differently. From that perspective, it's an impossible thing to measure. Like, I'm more linguistic and interpersonal, you seem maybe more kinaesthetic."

" _Kinaesthetic_." Jian repeated, nose scrunching. "C'you not make up words please?"

Mr. Anderson laughed. "Kinaesthetic - it's like, tactile. They don't use this at your school?"

Jian honestly didn't know. He dropped his fork in his curry container and clicked the lid back on, putting it to the side. He shrugged.

"Huh." Mr. Anderson sounded. "Well, research - old research - shows there are multiple ways for people to take in and retain information." He said. "Like I said, I learn best when listening or speaking, or working with others. It sounds like you learn better when you're coordinating your mind with your body. Some people learn best through music or audio, some through nature. There's heaps."

Jian didn't understand why that meant nobody was stupid. "People are still dumb though."

Mr. Anderson chuckled. "What does it mean to be dumb, Jian?"

Jian felt a weird sort of exasperated amusement spark in his chest. He muttered a cuss and looked over at Mr. Anderson. "Shoulda been a fuckin' teacher."

That prompted another chuckle and Jian almost felt proud. "I don't think so." Mr. Anderson said with a smile. "The reason I don't think anyone is stupid," He explained, "is because everyone interacts with information differently. When people learn in a way that is actually beneficial to their ability to _retain_ the information they're taking in, they'll naturally internalise that information far more quickly and naturally. Therefore, allowing themselves to build upon that information. Intelligence is said to be, genetically speaking, a set trait." he continued. "But people who understand how they learn and what they need, are able to better build upon their knowledge. And that goes for people who learn in common ways, too. I did well in school, because teaching methods were automatically what I needed. Some of my colleagues failed in various areas of their schooling, because the system did not cater for them. All people have real potential," He uncrossed his ankles and pulled his legs back in. "but many are late to tap into that, due to a failure in our education system. Besides," He said. "being book smart isn't all there is."

Jian liked the way Mr. Anderson talked. It was clean, intelligent and natural. But occasionally a word or two went over Jian's head. "'Kay." He murmured. "Still it--" He struggled for a moment with how to explain the vague idea he was forming. "-m' racist teachers- racists in general are stupid." He tried and it wasn't quite right. "I mean- it- white supremacists are fuckin' ridiculous. They make no sense 'n' their arguments can be dismantled by a _child_." He said. "They're fuckin' stupid. Even 'f they can learn good."

"Mmhm." Mr. Anderson agreed easily. "But that's not knowledge, that's ideology."

"Fuck's sake." Jian cursed, leaning back in order to glower at the sky. This was all very complicated for a Saturday afternoon.

Mr. Anderson laughed. "Do you want to talk about something else?" He offered.

Jian watched a bird flutter by. "Mn."

Mr. Anderson released an amused breath. "Such as?"

Jian returned his gaze forward. He glanced at Mr. Anderson, then at his own knees. "Dunno." Suddenly the anxiety he hadn't noticed disappearing was back. "'Nythin'." He finally muttered, leaving the ball in Mr. Anderson's court.

"Actually," Mr. Anderson sounded thoughtful and Jian glanced over again. "can I ask about your racist teachers?"

Jian took in his open expression for a second longer than necessary, before digging his hands into his jacket pockets and fixing his gaze back on his knees. "Shoot."

From racist teachers - with whom Mr. Anderson was cooly annoyed - their conversation wandered toward Jian's dyslexia before bumbling off in the direction of bilingualism (Jian was not dyslexic in Chinese) and from there, it went to food.

Mr. Anderson was describing what he used to have for breakfast while working in France, when Jian's phone started ringing. He scowled and reached for it with the intention of declining the call.

"Take it." Mr. Anderson told him. "I think lunch is almost over anyway. And I've just realised I need to find my jacket."

Jian blinked at him as he stood up, taking his empty bento tray from the bench.

He smiled at Jian and gestured to his empty curry container. "I'll put it in the rubbish for you."

Jian nodded and handed the container over, phone continuing to ring.

"See you at my talk." Mr. Anderson grinned, offering Jian a wave with his free hand.

Jian simply nodded again and watched him re-enter the building.

He dropped his eyes to his phone and looked at the picture he'd taken of Desmond inhaling a burger the size of his head.

He swiped to accept. " _'Lo_."

" _Hey, hey. Didn't know if you were busy or not. Has it improved_?"

" _Uh._ " Jian wondered why he was suddenly feeling hollow. " _No._ "

Desmond laughed. _"Tragic. We've just finished the second game._ " He told Jian. " _Guess what the results are so far._ "

Jian rubbed a hand over his face, before focusing entirely on his friend. " _Two wins._ " He tried. " _Two outta three, congratulations._ "

Desmond clicked his tongue. " _Nah. It's one-one cos Noah can't do shit._ "

Jian snorted.

" _He kept losing us the ball in the first game. But, I_ guess _he's gotten better as we've played._ "

" _S'good_."

" _Mmhm. Hey, when does this thing finish? Cos we're thinking of going out for food. Except Noah who's being a dick._ "

" _Where_?"

" _Uhh,_ " he heard Desmond exhale. " _Leo wants Nando's. Isaac wants hotpot. I want Korean barbecue._ _Benny's easy._ "

" _Nando's_?" Jian squinted at the ground. " _Korean barbecue._ "

Desmond made a triumphant noise. " _Hell yeah baby. I'll let 'em know. You be done by five? We'll meet you somewhere._ "

" _Yeah think so._ " Jian said. " _Maybe bit later, dependin'._ " He added. " _I'll text you._ "

" _Okie dokie._ " Desmond hummed. " _We'll probably be in the arcade up from-- Time Out._ "

" _'Kay._ "

" _'Kay._ " Desmond repeated, a touch mockingly. " _Study hard and stay focused._ "

Jian snorted. " _Win the last game._ "

" _Mmhm. See you later._ "

Jian looked back to the sky. " _Later_." He hung up and slipped his phone back into his pocket, before hopping down from the bench and deciding on doing a little exploring.

* * *

He did manage to find his way to the faculty of music and dance and then to the new theatre. He didn't go inside because there was a group of people in there, but it was nice; big. He walked his way around the building before wondering how to waste the rest of two hours.

He settled on walking around the entire university campus and ranking buildings. So far, the faculty of engineering had the coolest buildings, followed by arts and then business. The faculty of law had the ugliest, but did have a cool sort of sculpture garden in which he sat to kill 10 minutes.

It was 2:54 when he made his way back to the faculty of business. Walking through the main building, it was clear everyone else was in the lecture hall for Nick Taylor's talk. He took the lift to the top floor, which was 12. It was much the same as level 8, but with a large balcony overlooking the motorway. Jian spent the next half hour there, alternating between watching cars, watching the sky and playing on his phone. When it was 3:27, however, he started for the lecture theatre.

It was predictably full when he got there - he was just on the edge of being late. He managed to find a seat on the right side, toward the front, right next to the aisle. The person next to him smelt strongly of onions and he leant away from them with a slight scowl.

Mr. Anderson was already at the front, talking happily with Amanda Sutton to the side of the microphone. She said something and he laughed. Jian, for a fraction of a second, wondered what Mr. Anderson's wife was like.

A moment later, Ms. Sutton introduced him, before moving to take a seat off to the side.

Mr. Anderson stepped in front of the microphone. He smiled. "Hey again."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek.

"In the current climate of our society," he easily began. "the relationships between one nation to another are of uncommon significance. Throughout history, of course, this has been the case. But in today's world, it's truer than ever. International relations, however, is incredibly intricate, complex and sophisticated. There is an amazing number of facets within this area of work, and with the development of technologies, and the progress of globalisation, this number is only set to grow. I am aware, of course, that most of you already know this, and I've been lucky enough to see how excited a great deal of you are in regard to this dynamic sector of work. But today, I want to talk about the behavioural approach and the task of integration in international relations."

Jian didn't know what the fuck was going on and apparently Mr. Anderson had barely begun. He kicked his legs out and slid down in his seat as Mr. Anderson continued. He was enjoying the tone of his voice, at least.

As he continued to listen, he tried his best to follow along and did fairly well, in comparison to his usual efforts. He wondered, though, why he had such difficulty grasping these concepts. He wondered if it was due to his unfamiliarity with the area of study, as Mr. Anderson had suggested, or if it was because he was stupid, as Jian himself suggested. 

A wave of laughter rippled around the lecture hall and Mr. Anderson breathed out a breath of amusement before continuing.

Jian decided to quit trying to follow altogether and instead settled to watch Mr. Anderson's hands as they acted out animate gestures. Jian liked it when people talked with their hands. Desmond was big on that, Benson too. Isaac didn't so much use hand gestures as always touched some part of whoever he was talking with. A warm hand on the shoulder, on the back, on the forearm, even on the head when he felt like it. Leo kept his hands in his pockets generally, though he didn't talk often or long. He was able to communicate effectively with very few words and Jian wondered how he did it. Indeed, all his friends expressed what they meant to say with such an ease and casualness that Jian wondered what he'd missed out on. He'd call himself inarticulate. He had thoughts and ideas, but somehow was unable to translate them into words and sentences. Maybe that was why he was so often frustrated.

Mr. Anderson apparently asked the audience for some or other contribution and someone toward the front yelled out, "It limits the foreign-policy options available to states!"

Someone else, a few rows back, added, "And influences international institutions! Like, uh, Kenneth Waltz."

Mr. Anderson smiled and nodded. "Okay. So, neorealist structuralists understand this idea of a bipolar system. Does anyone have knowledge on the other side of the debate? Neoliberal institutionalists."

There was a short moment where murmurs swelled around the room.

Then Jian watched a girl in the front-left put her hand up and say, "I read that institutions matter beyond, uh... they matter beyond simply reflecting the- the power structure. Of the international system. I think..."

"Right." Mr. Anderson agreed. "So, what are _state_ roles in this fundamentally anarchic environment?"

"They're the principle actors, sir!" a boy in the middle-left shouted. "But can't state behaviour be modified by, like, interaction with institutions? Like, the EU?"

"Sure." Mr. Anderson smiled. "That's right. So with this in mind, in terms of long-term international cooperation, each theory holds useful insight, right? Both of them together, form the basis of a unified approach to the relationship between structures and institutions."

Jian slipped down further into his seat and rested his elbow on the armrest, then his face on his fist, still leaning away from Onion Boy beside him. Mr. Anderson looked incredibly relaxed up there in front of everyone. He'd said he didn't do this. Jian wouldn't be surprised if, for some reason, it turned out he was lying.

He wondered if Mr. Anderson had kids with his wife, a dog maybe, and a cat. Probably called Spot and Misty. He wondered if he had a nice house in the nice suburbs, surrounded by nice neighbours, who neither watched loud hockey nor called each other dickwads all night. His kitchen was probably big enough for more than one person at once and Jian doubted his ceiling was off-colour nor sporting the odd spot of mould. None of the mirrors would be rusty. Jian wondered where he'd live in 5 years.

When apparently an entire hour had passed and the talk was over, Mr. Anderson told the audience to feel free to ask him further questions after Ms. Sutton finished up; "I'll be hanging around for a bit.", before thanking everyone and moving off to the side.

Amanda Sutton took his place and told them groups M through to Z were free to finish for the day and go home, having done their UN-style committee session already. When things settled back down, she told everyone else that their assigned countries would be emailed to them shortly. She advised them not to go crazy with research and Jian didn't know what it was he was meant to research in the first place. After a few reminders and instructions for tomorrow, she told them they were free to go as well.

Jian watched a surprising amount of people make their way toward where Mr. Anderson was idly chatting with one of the university volunteers. He watched Mr. Anderson easily engage with them. Everyone else in Jian's row had left.

Jian started chewing on his right middle fingernail, watching a small brunette blush and fiddle with her hands as she asked Mr. Anderson something.

He was gonna go meet Desmond and the others. Soon. Now, even.

Mr. Anderson laughed and shook his head, before using more hand gestures to explain something to the timid brunette.

They'd all be waiting for him in the arcade by now and there was nothing keeping him here. In fact, he didn't ever have to come back.

Jackson was next to ask Mr. Anderson a question and Jian moved along to gnaw on his pointer fingernail.

Benson was probably challenging unsuspecting strangers to DDR, given that none of his friends would compete against him anymore. Isaac was probably annihilating Leo at air hockey.

Mr. Anderson smiled and nodded politely as Jackson continued to talk.

Jian's phone dinged and buzzed in his pocket. He put his shoes up on the seat in front of him.

Mr. Anderson responded to Jackson when he finally got the chance and, shortly afterward, Jackson strutted away looking very self-satisfied.

Desmond was likely playing that random _Walking Dead_ game, the one with the crossbow because _crossbows are sexy, Jian._

A trio of friends were next and Jian watched Mr. Anderson scratch the side of his neck as he listened to them. The group was thinning out now, after the trio left.

Jian leant his head back to look at the high ceiling. The lights were very bright. He closed his eyes as a round of laughter sounded. His phone rang and he pulled it out in order to put it on silent. He wasn't really sure what he was doing. He sat forward again and saw Mr. Anderson was talking to the last two people.

Desmond and the others wouldn't wait for him forever, so he should probably be leaving. Perhaps he should quickly finish biting his nails before he did, though. Just to make them all even. He began work on his ring fingernail.

Mr. Anderson laughed and nodded.

Jian accidentally tore off too much. He watched his nail-bed fill with blood and decided it really was time to go. Right now.

He stood up.

Desmond always carried plasters on his person (potentially in some vague consideration of Jian). That considered, this was the ideal time for Jian to finally-

"Jian!"

He spared a moment to feel both angry and glad before meeting Mr. Anderson's gaze. He wasn't sure what to say, so opted to walk over.

"What did you think?" Mr. Anderson asked when Jian had stopped before him.

Jian wasn't sure how to say he didn't have any thoughts; "Fine." would surely suffice.

Mr. Anderson snorted very softly. "Well, I appreciate that you stayed. How do you feel about tomorrow?"

"Oh." Jian was decidedly not coming back. "Fine."

" _Fine_." Mr. Anderson echoed, a touch amused. "Do you know what it's about? The committee session?"

"No." Jian muttered, dropping his eyes to the floor and trying to subtly wipe blood on his jeans.

Mr. Anderson chuckled. "Check your email; the guys I was talking to said they just got their countries."

Jian didn't know what he was talking about but pulled out his phone nonetheless. He was greeted by more than a few messages from Desmond:

信息 9分钟前

**des**

Bro wassup

电话 9分钟前

**des**

未接来电

信息 9分钟前

**des**

Pick up ur phone dickbag

信息 8分钟前

**des**

Jk its cool dw

信息 8分钟前

**des**

Uh but call me when ur finish. We come find u

信息 8分钟前

**des**

Benson made kid cry beating him at ddr lmaooo

He ignored them for now and opened his email instead. Sure enough, a message from YouthForYouth lay unopened in his inbox. He clicked on it. It cheerfully told him his country was Jordan. Jian didn't know where that was. In Africa, maybe. Or it could be Europe.

"Jordan." he mumbled.

"Jordan?" Mr. Anderson repeated with a smile. "Cool, you- hey, what happened to your finger?"

Jian locked his phone and shoved it away. "Nothin'."

Mr. Anderson clicked his tongue. "Follow me."

Jian scowled. "Why?"

Mr. Anderson raised an eyebrow. "Jian."

Jian looked to the side, scowled some more and scuffed a shoe.

"C'mon." Mr. Anderson started toward an open door in the back-left of the room.

Jian cursed any listening gods, scuffed his shoe again, and followed.

Mr. Anderson led him down a couple of hallways with a few easy words and questions, before they reached a small first-aid set up.

Mr. Anderson poked around for a moment, before glancing at Jian and lifting his hand. "Hand."

Jian looked at the hand. Hesitantly, he placed his own in it. It was warm. Jian's hand was a lot smaller.

Mr. Anderson wore a concentrated expression as he wiped away the surprising amount of blood. He then wrapped a band-aid around the cut, careful but efficient. "There." He let go of Jian's hand. "Easy."

Jian looked at the plaster. He wasn't sure how to respond. "Thanks." He muttered. His hand tingled.

"Mmhm." Mr. Anderson leant back on the first-aid table and crossed his ankles. "So, Jordan?"

Jian frowned, confused.

Mr. Anderson laughed. "You know how tomorrow's gonna work at all?"

Jian dug his hands in his pockets. Shook his head.

"Basically, it's like," Mr. Anderson tilted his head as he considered how to explain. "it's an academic simulation of the United Nations, right?" He looked back to Jian, lips pulled into a light smile. "Everyone's assigned a country and there's debate on several topics of general subject matter."

Jian just continued to frown.

Mr. Anderson chuckled softly. "Okay. So for example: you, as the delegate of Jordan, might have to solve global topics such as nuclear non-proliferation or-- climate change from the policies and perspectives of Jordan. You might need to convince other delegates to make decisions in Jordan's favour, as well."

Jian's frown twisted into a scowl.

Mr. Anderson gave another laugh. "You'll be fine. If you'd been assigned a superpower like the US, you'd have to do a lot more work. With Jordan, you can probably get away with just supporting other delegates' amendments and voting, if that's what you want."

Jian bit his lip. "I don't..." He trailed off, unsure of what he was going to say anyway.

Mr. Anderson considered him, then pulled his phone from his pocket and checked the time. Slipping it back, he asked, "Do you want me to help you get ready? For tomorrow?"

Jian blinked at him. "I-" No. There was no need; Jian wasn't coming back. Besides, his friends were still waiting for him and he really shouldn't waste anymore of everyone's time. He should have left already. He should leave right now, actually, he certainly shouldn't stay and- "-yeah." -he dropped his gaze to the navy carpet. "Thanks."

Mr. Anderson grinned. "No problem. Let's go somewhere better."

Somewhere better, as it turned out, was an empty tutorial classroom, after a brief stop to pick up Mr. Anderson's MacBook from what Jian guessed was Ms. Sutton's office.

Jian shifted in his seat as Mr. Anderson pulled out the chair next to him. Jian was not feeling excellent, to put it mildly. To put it otherwise, he was feeling a quiet hatred for himself, together with some twisting nerves and a fluttering kind of eagerness. Mr. Anderson tapped his password into his laptop, before pushing it back on the desk. Jian really should have just left. He didn't know what he was doing.

"Alright." Mr. Anderson turned to him, smiling as ever. "So. The topics for tomorrow are: one - uses of cyber warfare, and two - protecting trade from Somalian pirates, okay?"

Jian scrunched his hands into fists in his pockets and slid down his seat. "'Kay."

Mr. Anderson breathed out a quiet laugh, reaching out for his MacBook and pulling it forward again. "Okay. So, let's start with cyber warfare. Jordan neighbours Israel, right?" He opened Safari and began typing something in. "And of course Syria, among other nations. But that basically means," He finished typing and looked back to Jian. "Jordan has been forced to witness some of the greatest conflicts in recent memory. You know what they are?"

Jian did not. Mr. Anderson had mentioned Israel and Syria, though. He'd heard a bit about both of those. He hesitated.

Mr. Anderson sighed softly. "Jian, I'm not gonna judge you. Say what you think, it's okay."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "Israel 'n'-" He glared at the smooth surface of the desk in front of him, waiting for the name to come to him. "-'Srael 'n'-- Palestine." He allowed himself a moment to feel proud. "'N' the refugees fr'm Syria." That one had been on the news a lot a few years ago.

Mr. Anderson grinned. "Right. That's good. And also, of course, the looming threat of the Islamic State. This means Jordan takes a lot of refugees, right?" He paused and Jian gave a short nod, gaze still fixed on the desk. Mr. Anderson continued, "And this large number places increasing strain on infrastructure, and hinders economic growth and further development. But," he spared a second to glance at his laptop and click a link. "what do you think would happen if these battles were opened up on a new front through cyber warfare?"

Jian shifted his glare to Mr. Anderson, hopefully conveying the extent to which he had no fucking clue.

Mr. Anderson's lips twitched, as if holding back a laugh. "'Kay. Okay. Uh," He looked briefly to the ceiling of the room. "so, firstly, it would force additional tension in the Middle East," He looked back to Jian, lips still quirked. "and would place Jordan - given its location and involvements - under direct threat of attack. This manner of warfare is inexpensive, both in terms of money and lives, so is set to become far more prevalent. However, the political landscape of the Middle East is turbulent at best and the added factor of cyber attacks could cause the landscape to change in an instant. Still with me?"

Jian just nodded, hoping they'll note some of this down at some point.

"Okay. From that perspective, Jordan - in order to protect its interests and that of the refugees - would want to create a set of rules to help determine the uses of such a decisive form of warfare." He looked back to his MacBook again. "So, Jordan has already created a few opportunities to help protect against cyber attacks. Specifically, Jordan worked with NATO to implement a national defence strategy as a member of NATO's Mediterranean Dialogue. For you," Mr. Anderson shot Jian a grin. "as the delegate of Jordan, you're gonna vote for anything toward the creation of guidelines and protections against cyber warfare. You're also gonna wanna support any amendments along those lines, which will be from most countries. Uh, Russia is probably gonna oppose restrictions, so obviously you won't support them. Do you wanna try write a position paper? It only has to be a paragraph or so."

Jian didn't know what a position paper was. "Okay."

"Okay." Mr. Anderson smiled, opening Pages.

It got easier, from then on. Because Jian began to see things come together. His nerves faded further and further as he engaged more and more. Something he found mildly surprising. As they moved onto the issue of Somalian pirates, Jian might even go as far as to say he was enjoying himself. Mr. Anderson took anything Jian offered - even the smallest of ideas - with appreciation and acknowledgement and every time Jian felt a tight warmth in his chest at such a positive reception.

It was just gone half-six when Mr. Anderson offered to print off everything they'd prepared.

It was just gone quarter-to when Mr. Anderson offered Jian a lift home.

"Oh." Jian was careful not to scrunch the papers he'd folded and slipped into his pockets.

"It's no trouble." Mr. Anderson told him happily, one hand slipped casually into the pocket of his slacks, the other holding a brown leather briefcase. "But if you already have something lined up, that's great."

"No." Jian said. Then scowled at the ground of the car park. He scuffed a shoe. "S'fine. S'out 'f your way 'nyway."

"I like driving." Mr. Anderson easily said. "C'mon, it's cheaper than getting the bus."

Jian scuffed his shoes some more, he glanced up at Mr. Anderson, then settled his gaze over his shoulder on the city line behind them. "Clark Street. 'N Colmore."

Mr. Anderson nodded. "Sure. I know it."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek.

Mr. Anderson smiled and took a step back. "Let's go?"

Jian followed him to an obsidian Mercedes Benz S-Class Coupe. Of fucking course. He stared at the car as Mr. Anderson nonchalantly unlocked it and placed his briefcase inside. Jian wasn't a car guy, not like Isaac was, but looking at this one, he almost understood what Isaac meant when he called a car _sexy_. He absently thought he wasn't good enough to sit inside it.

Mr. Anderson leant on the opened driver's door and smiled across the roof at Jian, eyebrows raised. "You good?"

Jian dropped his eyes to his crummy shoes and tried to come up with a reason he suddenly needed to take the bus.

Mr. Anderson huffed out a laugh. "Relax, Jian. Just hop in." He said, doing so himself.

Jian gave himself a moment to feel a fun mixture of frustrated and nervous, before cracking open the passenger's door and sliding in.

The car smelt as if it was fresh off the lot. Its seats were a black nappa leather and the trim across the dashboard was a sleek poplar wood. Everything was refined and chic. Jian thought his seat was comfier than their sofa at home. He reached for his seatbelt as Mr. Anderson pulled out his phone and tapped something into it.

After a second, Mr. Anderson handed the phone to Jian and said, "Type in your address."

Jian was expecting it at this point, but the iPhone fucking 12 Pro still felt too expensive for him to touch. He quickly tapped the address of his apartment building and handed it back.

Mr. Anderson took it with a smile and slotted it into the little phone-holder on the dashboard. He pressed start and a robotic voice told him to take a right out of the car park as he started the engine and the car hummed to life, his phone connecting to its Bluetooth. A line along the trim and centre console was illuminated with a soft blue glow.

Desmond had just passed his restricted and (although technically illegal without a full licence) he'd taken great joy in driving Jian and the others about in his shitty Chevy. Desmond's driving wasn't bad, per se, but Jian - if pushed - might call it jerky. Mr. Anderson's driving was a little faster than Desmond's, but also smooth and decisive. The car, too, was a far nicer ride. Unlike the bumpy Chevy, this car had an almost cloud-like feel. Mr. Anderson's right hand was on the wheel, the other arm rested on the window as he absently touched his trim beard. Jian shifted his legs and looked out his window, listening to Mr. Anderson's phone tell him to take a right at the next intersection.

"So, do you think you'll ever do anything like this again?" Mr. Anderson asked as they approached the intersection.

Jian listened to the indicators click dully and saw no reason to be dishonest. "No."

Mr. Anderson smiled to himself, giving way to a small red car before turning. "Fair enough." After a moment, "What about your dancing?"

"Huh?" Jian glanced over at him.

Mr. Anderson threw him a quick smile before fixing his eyes back on the road. "You said you wanted to work in fitness earlier, but you specifically mentioned dance."

Jian still wasn't sure what he was asking. "Okay?"

Mr. Anderson chuckled. "Do you take part in, like, a troop? Or competitions?"

"Oh." Jian watched an old lady walk down the footpath, laden with bags. "Was 'n a hip-hop troop but now I just do solo stuff." he said. "Do 'bout five t' eight comps a year."

"Oh damn." Mr. Anderson murmured, his eyebrows quietly lifting.

Jian snorted.

Mr. Anderson laughed. "I was expecting you to say two or three."

Jian shook his head. 

"So you mainly do hip-hop?" he asked as they came to a red light. He reached forward to turn the heating on low.

Jian watched his hand as he did so; large, strong, knuckles apparent in a way Jian found frustratingly attractive. "Mainly contemp'rary, actually, which s'easier solo." He replied, moving his gaze out the passenger window. "But I do a lotta hip-hop still. 'Nly a bit 'f jazz 'n' ballet. 'N' a couple 'f years ago, m' teacher got me t' try pole dancin'."

"Oh." Mr. Anderson said.

Jian's gut suddenly lurched because perhaps he shouldn't have mentioned that one. He didn't want to be misunderstood and sunk his teeth into the inside of his lip. His teacher only suggested pole dancing as a strength challenge, as well as to explore the movements and dynamics of vertical dance. Jian just did it for fun more than anything else now.

Mr. Anderson cleared his throat. "Well. Awesome." He glanced over his shoulder before changing lanes, as per the instructions given to him. "So which do you prefer between dance and basketball?"

Thoroughly pleased with the chance to move the conversation on, Jian said, "Dance."

Mr. Anderson hummed. "You ever wanted to dance professionally?"

A little bit. Jian watched the blue line move along the map on Mr. Anderson's phone. "'M not good enough." He mumbled, enjoying as rain began to fall. The patter of drops against the car was pretty.

"That doesn't answer the question." Mr. Anderson told him, taking a left.

Jian scowled. "Yeah it does. Read between the lines."

Mr. Anderson laughed. "Uh huh." He glanced at Jian, laughter still twinkling in his eyes. "What I'm getting from between the lines is that yes, you have considered it, but you're for some reason embarrassed about that."

Jian's stomach twisted and he glared out the windscreen. Was he really so easy to read? He hoped to fucking god not.

They were only a few minutes away from his flat. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

"I'm sure you are good enough anyway." Mr. Anderson said. "How do you do in your competitions?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "Okay."

Mr. Anderson chuckled under his breath. "Do you want me to stop trying to talk to you?"

Jian swallowed. "No. It-" He didn't know how to explain that he was just a shit conversationalist. "-top three. Usually." He settled on muttering and Mr. Anderson let out a low whistle.

"Top three?" he grinned. "That's impressive."

Jian didn't respond.

"I-" Mr. Anderson cut himself off with a laugh. "-I actually wanted to be a surfer when I grew up."

Jian felt a smile tug at his lips as he followed a water droplet making its way down the window.

"It was because I went on this one school trip to the beach, where they taught us to surf, and the instructor said I was a natural." Mr. Anderson told him. "I never even surfed again, just assumed I would find my way to fame and success since I was clearly so naturally talented."

Jian couldn't help laughing then; a quiet, short laugh that he immediately wiped away with a forearm across his mouth.

Mr. Anderson smiled. "So at least your aspirations are founded within reality. I'm sure you'll end up wherever you need to be."

That was a comforting thought to Jian. He murmured a small, "Thanks."

Mr. Anderson hummed. "Sure."

They turned onto Jian's street and he spotted the top of his rundown apartment building in the distance. He wondered what Mr. Anderson thought of such a dingy neighbourhood and slid down in his seat. It wasn't often he was ashamed of where he lived. It worked for him and his mum and his friends didn't judge. Outside of that, it was no one's business. But Mr. Anderson had a luxury car that was probably upwards of a hundred grand, a phone which cost more than Jian's weekly rent and god knows what fucking else. He bit his lip.

"Just pull over here." he muttered. "Can walk."

Mr. Anderson threw him a frown, slowing the car. "That's you there?" He asked in regard to the building still a little way up the street.

"Yeah. I'll walk." Jian mumbled. "Thanks f'r the lift."

Mr. Anderson clicked his tongue. "There's literally no point in me stopping here. It's still raining. Let me drop you outside where you actually live."

Jian sank down in his seat some more. Didn't argue further.

Mr. Anderson sighed lightly and sped up again.

He pulled into a spot outside the block of flats, true to his word. He glanced curiously at the dull building but didn't comment. Instead, he turned to Jian and smiled. "See you tomorrow then."

Jian pushed open his door. "'Kay. Thanks." Slamming it behind himself, he wondered why people were assholes to other people when they were feeling bad about themselves.

The lift was broken. Again. It wasn't this morning. Jian flicked the notice stuck to it and moved along to the stairs. His apartment building had a unique smell. Not quite mould, but something close. He took the stairs by two. Maybe mould mixed with dish-washing liquid. He decided to run up the next flight - still taking them by two - and thought about tripping, falling, slamming his head on a step and knocking his two front teeth out.

After running up the next three flights, he returned to walking, his breaths coming out unsteady. He pulled out his phone, unexcited by what he would find.

信息 1小时前

**des**

Bro u ok? We can pick u up if need

电话 1小时前

**des**

未接来电

信息 1小时前

**isaac**

Lmao des has gone into mother hen mode

信息 1小时前

**isaac**

Pick up ur phone brother, we miss u ✌️

信息 1小时前

**des**

Ok we're goign to restuarant now im send address. Text when on ur way

信息 1小时前

**des**

https://goo.gl/maps/tz6Mz4xN7

电话 1小时前

**des**

未接来电

电话 1小时前

**des**

未接来电

信息 1小时前

**des**

Stinky boy answer your phone

信息 55分钟前

**des**

Bro u r getting lectured tomor

Jian felt a small tide of guilt wash over him. He should have texted them. It would have taken him 5 seconds. He didn't understand why he hadn't. He paused, halfway up the current flight of stairs and replied to Desmond.

iMessage 信息

今天下午7:07

sorry

phoned died. went home

hope u had fun?

He stuffed it back in his pocket and continued up the stairs.

* * *

There was a note from his mum on the fridge. It told him she hoped he had fun, dinner was in the fridge, she got invited out so would be home late. Jian peeled it off slowly, eyeing the hurriedly drawn flower at the bottom. He scrunched it up and threw it across the tiny kitchen into their recycling bin. It hit the rim. He put the kettle on and shuffled to his room.

He changed into some sweatpants and an old shirt, putting on some fluffy socks and a hoodie after some consideration of the cold. He put his hood up and pulled the drawstrings tight around his face, returning to the kitchen. He tied a messy bow under his chin and leant on the counter beside the quietly fizzing kettle. He looked to the ceiling, tracing a brown patch with his eyes.

He wondered what the distinction between liking someone and loving them was. When could you tell? Had _he_ ever been in love? Jian snorted to himself and moved his gaze to the kettle on his left. No, he hadn't. The closest he'd come would probably have been back in China. That guy at his swimming school. Chen Maoxiu. Jian had liked him a lot; he was kind and funny and handsome.

He looked at the light and dark blue stripes on his socks and idly wondered what Maoxiu was up to now. He'd be 17, or maybe still 16. In any case, he most likely had a girlfriend. He always had been very popular.

The kettle clicked and he pushed off the counter in search of a mug. Retrieving one, he then faced the decision between tea or coffee. He squinted at the box of instant hazelnut latte left haphazardly in the middle of the counter. He grabbed a sachet from inside and tore it open.

* * *

He watched some random German hospital drama while he ate his dinner, which was reheated tofu sheet stir-fry. His phone vibrated as the main character yelled at her boss. Jian dropped his chopsticks and reached for it, flicking it off silent again. It was Desmond.

He swiped to accept and pressed it to his ear, tonguing a piece of pork stuck in his teeth. " _Hey._ "

" _Hey shitstick, thanks very much for flaking on us._ "

Jian freed the pork. " _'Nytime._ "

Desmond snorted. " _So, what? Your phone died, you went home, assumedly charged it, yet still took two hours to respond to me_?"

Jian wasn't sure how to explain that one. " _Sorry. Forgot_."

There was a little sigh. " _Nah it's cool bro. I was worried, though. Thought you mighta been mugged or hit by a car._ "

Jian snorted. " _Natural conclusion._ "

" _C'mon._ " Desmond laughed. " _You're an easy person to worry about, you know_?"

" _No._ "

Desmond sighed again. " _Anyway. None of the boys wanna play again tomorrow. Isaac is down to hang, though. But Benson has work and Leo says he's too sleepy._ "

Jian bit the inside of his cheek, stomach suddenly twisting.

" _So, I was thinking, you, me 'n' Isaac could go to Tsujiri. Cos I wanna get their matcha, red bean shaved ice. And then we could go back to mine and chill. Sound good_?"

Jian thought of all the work he'd just done with Mr. Anderson.

Desmond continued after Jian's silence. " _We don't even have to go to Tsujiri, I'm just craving shaved ice recently._ "

" _'Smond._ " Jian started. A good start. " _I think,_ " He could say he was coming down with a sickness, maybe. Say he was too tired, like Leo. Or he could be honest. A little bit honest. " _think 'm gonna-- go back._ "

Desmond was quiet for a second. And then he dissolved into laughter.

Jian watched the woman on TV dress a soldier's wound. Waited.

" _Alright._ " Desmond pulled himself together. " _That's totally fine man._ " He laughed again. " _Shit if it's unexpected though. What changed your mind? Meet a cute chick_?"

Jian scowled. " _No. Learnt some stuff. Wanna see it through, s'all._ "

" _Right_." Desmond hummed happily. " _What'd you learn_?"

Jian clicked his tongue. " _Dunno. 'Bout Jordan, mainly._ "

Desmond made a noise of surprised interest. " _As in the Middle Eastern country_?"

" _Mn._ "

" _Huh. Well, have a good time._ "

" _Thanks_."

Desmond gave one final little chuckle. " _Sure. I'm gonna go have my dinner. See you Monday._ "

Jian nodded to no one. " _See you Monday._ "

He hung up and slid his phone back on the coffee table. The woman on TV started making out with her husband and Jian went back to his dinner, wondering how Desmond managed to be such a good human being.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was looking at Jian in a way Jian really wished he wouldn't. A sort of carefully curious observation. "You look good." He finally said, lips quirking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u tell im scared of writing smut

" _Good boy_."

Jian bit his lip, breaths coming out uneven. A hand slid down his spine and Jian screwed his eyes shut, trying to focus on the cool surface beneath him. When the hand reached his ass, though, frustratingly gentle, he couldn't help but shift his hips; asking for more. The action drew a low chuckle from the other man. It was amused and entertained, but also fond in such a way that made Jian's mouth run desperately dry.

He could feel someone behind him, where he was bent over the desk; could feel the man's body heat; could smell his cologne; could feel his hard length, even through the slacks he wore, pressing against his bare ass.

He pushed back, wanting to feel more and the man chuckled again. " _Needy._ " He murmured, leaning over Jian.

His lips brushed Jian's ear and Jian let out a quiet whine.

He nipped at Jian's ear lobe. " _Why don't you tell me how much you want it, Jian_?"

Jian woke himself with a choked-off moan. His head was swimming as he sat up, arousal thrumming through him. He felt dirty. His palms were clammy and a thin sheen of sweat coated his body. The darkness of his room felt suffocating as remnants of his dream clung to him. There was a faint urge to vomit in the base of his gut.

His cock was pressing against his sweats and he knew there would be a damp spot.

"Fuck." he muttered, trying to ground himself.

There was muted pop music playing, somewhere in the night. Faint yells and muffled laughter. Jian tried, desperately, to think of anything but the dream. Yet his mind continued to show him snippets. He let out an unsteady breath, feeling his entire body burn with shame. He tilted his head back in order to glare at the pitch black ceiling.

He tried to think of his overdue English essay. The one he hadn't yet started because nor had he started the subject matter. Still, filthy images replayed in his mind.

Foolishly, he pressed the palm of his hand against his dick, as if it would take off the edge. Of course, his arousal only intensified and Jian bit his lip to stop a moan, head spinning. He exhaled shakily, before gritting his teeth, disgust surging through him. Yet, his erection twitched beneath his hand because he could picture that man leaning over him. So much bigger than Jian, so easily able to disarm him, to _ruin_ him.

In the end, he came with one hand on his dick and two fingers inside himself, imagining it was James Anderson filling him.

* * *

Predictably, when he woke (late) on Sunday morning, he felt like utter shit. Worse than that, even. He felt dirty and guilty and vaguely nauseous. He avoided looking at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. He ran his tongue over them when back in his room, eyes on the jacket he'd worn yesterday.

He dressed in a new pair of sweats, an old t-shirt and one of Desmond's hoodies. The one with the curry stain. Casual-formal his ass. He put on his lanyard, but tucked it under the hoodie. He stuffed his phone and wallet into his sweatpants pockets and the papers he and Mr. Anderson had written in his hoodie pocket.

He then looked at his bed, stomach rolling. Swearing under his breath, he tugged off the duvet and threw it to the ground so he could get to the sheets beneath. It was barely noticeable, especially to an unknowing eye, but Jian could still spot the very slightly discoloured patch. He grit his teeth, beginning to strip the sheet off. Even if the stain was truly invisible, there was also the faint scent of cum that lingered. He wanted to throw up.

His mum was still sleeping. So he scribbled her a note, tucked his sheet under his arm and grabbed his keys and a nut bar. While pulling on his old trainers, he absently thought he should have remade his bed. But he hadn't.

After a brief stop at the on-site laundry room, Jian headed out.

Throughout the course yesterday, he'd been jumping back and forth between the decision to come back or not. Finally, he'd accepted that he did want to return; was comfortable with that, was looking _forward_ to it. Now, he had regressed back to a state of conflict. He was once more unsure if going back was what he wanted. His chest twisted nastily as he got on the bus; the thought of seeing Mr. Anderson again was making him anxious in an entirely different manner than yesterday. He pulled the papers from his pocket and ran his eyes over the top one; a position paper on the issue of Somalian pirates. He rumpled them stuffing them back.

* * *

"Looking sharp, Nangong." it was the girl from yesterday, back behind the booth. Maya? Or Mari? Maria?

Jian came to a stop before the booth, looking at the empty seat beside Maria. Evidently, the blonde girl was elsewhere.

"You know there _is_ a dress code, right?" she leant back in her seat, tapping a pen against her cheek and grinning.

Jian gave her a light scowl.

"No one's broken it before." she continued, eyes dropping to the curry stain on Desmond's hoodie. "But what can they do, right?"

Mia. Her name was Mia. Jian scuffed a shoe. "'Kay. Do I go t' the lecture hall or what?"

"Mmhm." she nodded. "You should really have been inside twenty minutes ago." Amusement danced in her eyes. "It's just admin stuff, though. You have two more workshops with your group, and then you'll do the committee session, and after _that_ , there's the last two guest speakers." Her eyebrows quirked. "Thrilling, am I right?"

Jian glanced behind him, down the stairs to the lecture theatre. "What're you doin' here?" He asked, looking back.

Mia let out a surprised breath of laughter. "I'm a helpful helper. Helping."

Jian dug his hands into his sweats pockets. "No. I mean. You ain't-" He sort of nodded his head, unsure what word he was looking for. Passionate, perhaps.

She laughed again. "I hear you." She dropped her pen and moved to tighten her large ponytail. "I'm actually winning a bet. My friend told me I was the least capable person for this job. They'll be buying a very large amount of dumplings tonight."

"'Kay." Jian bit the inside of his lip. "Time's the committee?"

"Twelve."

Jian stepped back and muttered, "Thanks."

She made a noise of acknowledgement as Jian headed back out of the building.

* * *

He found a cafe. It had street art lining its walls and was playing indie rock. Jian thought it was a bit pretentious. Between the gluten-free, vegan, superfood muffins and the deconstructed Eton mess, something just didn't quite connect. But the coffee was cheap and didn't taste entirely dreadful.

He sat in the corner beside the window, idly rereading the position papers and research notes they'd put together last night. He gave up halfway through notes on Jordan's political history because it became too hard. Instead, he rested his face on his fist and looked out the window.

The weather was still miserable. He watched cars go by, splashing through puddles on the road. There was a kid with yellow wellies and a frog umbrella, holding his mum's hand. He watched an old man in a cardigan shuffle after his young, curious dog. The dog stopped to sniff a lady's high heels and she smiled at it, then at the old man and they exchanged words, resulting in laughter before they continued past each other. Across the street, he watched a young couple walk by. She held his arm and leant into him. He was laughing, making some or other gesture with his free hand.

The cafe had free Wi-Fi, after Jian grudgingly signed up to their emailing list. He scrolled through Instagram absently, liking the picture Isaac had posted of himself shirtless, washing Desmond's car. He also liked Benson's picture of his dog and Leo's blurry, un-captioned picture of a caterpillar. Desmond had posted a picture of some stew he _made for lunch :)_. Jian didn't like it. Just left a comment: _looks nasty_. There was another shirtless picture from Isaac, this time a selfie with his cat, and Jian smiled. 90% of the pictures Isaac took were without a shirt. Jian found it confusingly charming.

He left the cafe some time later and wandered down the street, keeping undercover and out of the drizzle. He passed a tattoo shop and the lady inside winked at him. He frowned and looked away; spotted a music shop across the road and crossed to it.

There was familiar music playing in the background as Jian made his way inside. He drifted over to the punk vinyl section, only because he liked the cover art. _Apocalypse_ by Cigarettes After Sex was the song playing, he realised, pulling out a Television record and squinting at it. He'd danced to this song a couple of years back. It was a nice song; calming. He slotted the record back and moved down the aisle, fingers running along the vinyls as he did so.

He found himself in the classical section next and pulled out a record regrettably titled _My Lips are for Blowing_. He wondered at the naming process here and replaced it, deciding to find the ugliest album art and send it to Desmond.

After half an hour examining most records in the shop, he found The One. It was called _After Dark_ by Fabio and sported an excellent picture of a half-naked man - Fabio, Jian supposed - with long hair and roses. It was clearly going for sexy but was sorely lacking. Instead, Jian gained a vague sense of distress. He snapped a picture for Desmond, before finally exiting the shop.

* * *

信息 现在

**des**

MmmmmmmMMM if that doesn't butter my egg roll idk what does ;)

Jian bit his lip to stop a laugh, making his way down the aisle of the lecture hall. He stuffed his phone back in his pocket and scanned remaining empty seats, looking for the one with a _Delegate of Jordan_ sign.

He found it between Iceland and Mexico, in the front-right, one seat from the aisle. Iceland looked at his clothes with sharp distaste, Mexico offered him a wobbly smile and Jian very vaguely recognised him.

"Alright mate?" Mexico asked him quietly. "I'm- we- yesterday- I-- Callum. Again. Hello."

The introduction didn't clear up anything for Jian and he wondered at what point they'd met. "'Kay." He settled on muttering, pulling down his fold-out desk and dumping all his notes on it.

Amanda Sutton appeared soon after and gave a nice little opening speech. Jian's eyes drifted, predictably, about the room. When he spotted Mr. Anderson standing to the right, with a bunch of volunteers, his heart jumped into his throat and he felt his ears heat up. Shame burnt hot in his chest. He put his arms on the desk and promptly dropped his head on top. This morning's feeling of dirtiness crawled all over him and he wondered why he so constantly made things hard for himself.

The voice coming from the front changed and Jian peeked out from his arms. Some guy in a suit stood where Ms. Sutton had previously been. Jian thought he was an Emerwich student. He said some words which meant nothing to Jian, before telling them they were moving into moderated caucus. The delegate of China was apparently recognised by the chair and Jian blinked, watching Jackson shoot up and begin a passionate address on the uses of cyber warfare. Jian let out a little sigh and straightened up, before leaning back in his chair and fixing his eyes on the ceiling. He wondered how long he could stare at the lights before his eyes started to hurt.

* * *

An unknown amount of time passed before Mexico suddenly stood beside him and wandered off. Jian frowned, looking down from the ceiling and discovering it wasn't just Mexico on the move. In fact, most delegates had vacated their seats and were vigorously talking amongst each other. On his left, Iceland was writing something, murmuring quietly to herself as she did so. Jian wondered if he should perhaps pretend to do the same.

"Hey Jian."

Jian saw his life flash before his eyes, before his gaze settled on Mr. Anderson, standing casually in the aisle beside their row.

Iceland paused writing, looked between them, muttered something in - Jian thought - Russian, before going back to scribbling.

Jian wondered if the tips of his ears were obviously pink. "'Lo."

Mr. Anderson slipped both his hands into his pockets. His suit today was slim-fit and patterned; a very dark grey with lighter grey checkers. Underneath he wore a deep red dress shirt, the top button undone, no tie. Jian felt an irrational surge of frustration. Mr. Anderson's lips twitched. "Having fun?"

Jian sent him a flat look and Mr. Anderson chuckled.

"Okay. Ireland's collecting signatories for her resolution on stricter guidelines. You should go sign it."

Jian looked around the room, trying to spot Ireland. He wouldn't go if she was too far away.

"Behind you." Mr. Anderson said smoothly and Jian wondered if he put a conscious effort into making his voice sound so goddamn good.

Jian looked behind him and spotted a group of three people talking.

Iceland abruptly stood and made her way out of the aisle, scarcely waiting for Mr. Anderson to step aside.

Jian realised he didn't have a pen and suddenly felt stupid. Nonetheless, he stood, glanced at Mr. Anderson, didn't know what to say, so swallowed and moved past him, up toward Ireland and her friends.

He stood awkwardly to the side for a moment, watching the trio laugh and talk. Ireland soon noticed him, however, and raised her eyebrows cheerfully.

He didn't know what to say. He nodded to the paper they were crowded around. "Sign."

"Oh." she smiled and nodded. "Awesome. Thank you."

He nodded again, moving closer and looking at the pen she held. "C'I borrow?" He muttered, gesturing to it.

"Oh." she repeated, still smiling, though, perhaps now with more of a bemused edge. "Of course!"

He accepted the pen and hurriedly wrote _Jordan_ under where others had written similarly. He then dropped the pen, stepped back, bit his cheek, gave one last nod and went back.

Mr. Anderson was where Jian left him.

He felt another little rush of frustration, along with some standard nerves and a fair amount of tight shame. He ducked past him and dropped into his seat.

Mr. Anderson came into the aisle and leant back on the chair opposite where Iceland had been sat. He was looking at Jian in a way Jian really wished he wouldn't. A sort of carefully curious observation. "You look good." He finally said, lips quirking.

Of course, it was a joke. A joke about Jian's sloppy clothes. Jian got that. Mr. Anderson didn't mean it and certainly not in the way Jian wished to hear it. And yet, his heart stuttered and his chest tightened and his ears began to burn once more. "I-" He started, entirely unsure. "-sorry." It wasn't what he meant to say.

Mr. Anderson folded his arms across his chest and laughed. "Don't apologise. Dress codes don't really matter to me, given context. Just maybe avoid Amanda, if you can. She might make a fuss."

Jian nodded, eyes dropping to the back of the chair in front of him.

Mr. Anderson let out a quiet breath of amusement and pushed off the chair. "I should get going." He watched Jian for a moment, almost smiling. "Here." He pulled a pen from his pocket and dropped it on Jian's desk. "If you pretend to be busy working on something, no one will bother you."

Jian looked at the pen. Quietly fancy. He picked it up. "Thanks."

Mr. Anderson just chuckled before turning away and heading over to another loner, on the other side of the hall.

Jian watched the person perk up when approached; watched her and Mr. Anderson exchange words and then laugh; watched her hand him a piece of paper while continuing to talk. He scowled, pulled a paper of his own toward himself and began doodling a dog.

* * *

The rest of the conference was much of the same. Mr. Anderson came to talk with and help Jian from time to time, but he spent a lot of time doing so with others too. Jian had doodled all over his notes and could no longer make most of them out. He felt spiteful. Which made him feel guilty and pathetic. He wished he hadn't returned after all.

He didn't know what he'd expected, really. But he thought back to lunch yesterday, when Mr. Anderson had so sincerely said _I like your company_. Jian had perhaps taken that to mean _you're special_. He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth, a familiar feeling of shame and disgust twisting through him. He felt stupid. In a different way from usual. A worse way.

Of course Mr. Anderson wouldn't spend all his time with Jian. Jian hated himself for somehow imagining he would.

Lunchtime finally rolled around and the general assembly was brought to an end. Amanda Sutton got back up to tell everyone it was a great simulation and that she was very impressed. She reminded everyone of the afternoon's remaining activities, before letting them go.

Jian continued doodling, waiting for the amount of people to thin before he left himself.

"You're-- I mean, they're cool." Mexico told him hesitantly. "The drawings." He clarified.

Jian ignored him entirely. Drew angry eyebrows on his fish.

Mexico coughed quietly, folding his desk back. "Uh. Later, dude." He scuttled off.

Jian looked up, then, to assess numbers. There was still a fair amount of people but not enough, he decided, to make him uncomfortable. He grabbed his papers and stuffed them into his pockets. The pen, he didn't know what to do with. He didn't want to keep it because it wasn't his. He didn't want to leave it behind because that was dickish. But he didn't want to return it because now he planned on promptly forgetting about Mr. Anderson's entire existence, childish as it sounded. It was just too confusing and Jian wanted it to stop.

He pushed the fold-out desk away and stood, moving out of his row. Mr. Anderson was talking with someone down the front. Jian spotted a university volunteer just up the aisle.

He headed over. "C'you give this back t' Mr. Anderson?" He muttered, holding the pen out for him to take.

The guy nodded slowly, taking it. "Uh. Sure. He's just down there, though."

"Gotta piss real bad." Jian replied shortly.

The volunteer blinked. "Oh, sure. When nature calls..." He tried a smile.

Jian nodded stiffly and moved past him.

He'd probably go to Desmond's. Maybe try some of his revolting stew. He headed through the open lecture hall doors and saw people making their way to the cafeteria. He saw a few others already holding sandwiches, laughing and chatting to each other.

Jian decided a small detour wouldn't hurt.

* * *

There were three options and it was one of the hardest choices Jian had ever made. He was conflicted, painfully unsure, _heartbreakingly_ torn.

After an excruciating 20 seconds, however, he went with the beef sandwich, but it was so much more than just meat and bread. Braised beef with roasted tomato, caramelised onions and honey mustard, sandwiched lovingly between some sort of toasty-fluffy bread. The other options were the simple but dependable BLT or an intriguing cheddar-chicken-pancetta sandwich. Jian thought he made the right choice.

He took it to the balcony from yesterday, still thankfully empty.

Not to be dramatic, but Jian thought the sandwich was _godly_. Sublime. He made a mental note to tell Desmond about it, which would hopefully inspire a recreation.

It wasn't raining, but Jian could see the sky was carefully mulling it over. Heavy grey clouds hung menacingly above him. He tried to spot the sun and was unsuccessful. On the road below, Jian watched a pizza delivery guy whizz by, followed by a smart SUV and a freezer truck. A sparrow landed on the balcony railing and jerkily tilted its head. On any other day, with any other sandwich, Jian would be more than willing to share.

"Thanks for getting my pen back to me."

Jian scowled at the sparrow. It swooped off the railing.

"Although, you could've just given it to me." there was a soft chuckle. "You wouldn't have interrupted."

Jian set his jaw and turned on the bench, away from the balcony edge and toward the university building.

Mr. Anderson was holding his own beef sandwich. He nodded to the spot beside Jian. "Can I sit?"

Jian just took a bite of his sandwich, feeling a very unwelcome mix of nerves, annoyance, happiness, shame and confusion. He was fucking sick of it.

A flicker of a frown ran across Mr. Anderson's face, but he moved to take the spot beside Jian. "Fancy sandwiches, huh?" He smiled.

Jian swallowed. Didn't know what to say; "Mn." was what came out. He could feel Mr. Anderson's eyes on the side of his face and wished he wouldn't.

"You going home after this?" Mr. Anderson asked, looking away.

"Mn." Jian repeated, taking a big bite.

Mr Anderson nodded. "You didn't have a good time?"

Jian felt his chest twist. Yesterday, he'd been almost confident this was going to be enjoyable. "No." He muttered, before stuffing his face some more.

Mr. Anderson hummed. "You looked pretty hardcore." He chuckled softly. "Like you were always making notes."

Jian swallowed. Bit the inside of his cheek.

"Can I see?" Mr. Anderson asked. "Your doodles. When I caught a glimpse, they looked pretty cool."

Jian wiped his hand on the napkin that came with his sandwich before grabbing his papers and handing them to Mr. Anderson. He knew they were less good-looking close up; was happy about the fact.

Mr. Anderson smiled as he looked through them.

Jian looked away, back out off the balcony. He spotted the sun, peeking timidly from between two dark clouds.

"These are funny." Mr. Anderson said, after a while. "I like the fish in a top hat." He chuckled. "And the bird in a sports jersey."

Jian glanced back, eyes finding the bird in question. He took another mouthful of sandwich, pointing to a crudely drawn mouse in a suit. "Sutton." He said, after swallowing and Mr. Anderson laughed.

"I didn't see that one." his laughter subsided pleasantly. "It's good; _does_ look like her."

Jian finished his sandwich off.

Mr. Anderson pointed to a robot. "That's cute."

Jian scrunched up his napkin after wiping his hands.

Mr. Anderson switched papers, his untouched sandwich seemingly forgotten in his right hand. "Jian, these are really cool."

Jian spotted a rubbish bin on the other end of the balcony and frowned at it, certain it wasn't there yesterday. He went over to throw away his napkin.

Mr. Anderson watched him as he sat back down. "You still hungry?" He asked, looking back to the doodles.

For absolutely no reason, Jian's heart jumped. He stuck his hands into his hoodie pocket and lifted his legs up to sit cross-legged. "Bit." He muttered, eyes finding a white pebble on the ground.

Mr. Anderson smiled. "Here." He held out his sandwich. "Think I'm gonna pick something up later anyway."

Jian looked at the sandwich. He did want it. But he didn't want to appear greedy. That thought made him scowl and he accepted it, taking as big a bite as he could manage. Sauce dribbled down his chin and it was objectively disgusting.

Mr. Anderson, for some god-awful reason, didn't seem to mind. He just let out a quiet breath of amusement and went back to examining Jian's stupid drawings.

Jian wiped the sauce away with his new napkin.

When he finally finished inspecting the drawings, Mr. Anderson carefully folded the papers. "Are you gonna throw these away?"

Again, Jian's heart presumptuously skipped a beat. "Yeah." He said, stuffing the last of Mr. Anderson's sandwich into his mouth.

"Then can I keep them? They make me smile."

Jian kind of wanted to punch him. His heart skipped two beats this time. He scowled, eyes finding a distant building. "I don't care." He muttered, wishing it were true.

"Thanks." Mr. Anderson said.

Jian clicked his thumb joint.

Mr. Anderson scratched the side of his nose.

Jian's mind began forming a weak excuse that had to do with a sick grandmother he should really visit.

Just as he opened his mouth, however, Mr. Anderson said, "Hey, d'you support The Stags?"

Jian's mouth closed and he looked at Mr. Anderson, puzzled. "Basketball?" He asked, just to make sure they were talking about the same thing.

Mr. Anderson smiled. "Mmhm."

Jian frowned. "Yeah. I guess."

Mr. Anderson nodded, still smiling softly. "I, uh," He moved a hand to scratch the back of his neck. "I got some tickets, actually, from work, to a game next weekend. But," He chuckled, dropping the hand and glancing to the side. "no one's interested in coming with. So," He looked back. "I thought you might want to? Since you're into basketball. I have two tickets, so if you feel weird about going with me, I'll just give them to you and you could take a friend instead."

Jian felt like he was going to throw up, hands sweaty in his pockets and heart threatening to burst from his ribcage. It made him angry; the fact that he was so stupidly nervous next to a man he barely knew, one he met only _yesterday._ He scowled at his knees. "It is weird." He muttered. "I don't know many thirty-somethin's that invite high-schoolers to hang out with them." The hostility in his voice took even him by surprise.

Mr. Anderson was quiet and Jian began to panic. He'd probably crossed a line; insulted him. He flicked his eyes over and found Mr. Anderson not looking at him angrily, but thoughtfully. His head tilted ever so slightly. "Are you okay?" He finally asked, entirely sincere.

Jian swallowed and looked away, gut continuing to churn with more emotions than he could any longer keep up with. "Sorry." He muttered.

"Did you do something wrong?"

Jian set his jaw and wondered if that was a trick question. "Don't-- think so."

"Then there's no reason to apologise." Mr. Anderson said and Jian swallowed again; a lump had somehow formed in his throat. "You seem..." Mr. Anderson started, "a bit upset, Jian."

Jian shook his head once, eyes glued to his peeling trainers. "'M just. Tired."

"Right." Mr. Anderson accepted. "When I'm tired I get super uptight. I don't talk to anyone."

Jian nodded to that, unsure what else to do.

"So no basketball?" Mr. Anderson asked.

Jian's stomach dropped to reside in his toes.

"I'll just give you the tickets; I won't use them otherwise." Mr. Anderson said in response to Jian's silence.

"No." Jian said, then swallowed and bit his lip, "It- I mean, I want t'-" _go with you_. He followed an ugly purple Subaru on the road below. "-see them play." After a second, he added, "Don't care who 'm with." hoping not to be forced to spell it out.

"Yeah?" Mr. Anderson smiled.

Jian watched a pigeon waddle across a rooftop. "Mn."

"How about I get your number? It'll make things easier."

Jian didn't trust himself to speak around the heart pounding in his throat, so he just nodded, accepting Mr. Anderson's phone once he'd unlocked it and opened a new contact page for him. He tapped out his number and saved it under his first name, handing it back.

"Alright." Mr. Anderson said, sliding it back into his pocket. "I'll text you."

Jian nodded. Clicked his other thumb joint. He didn't feel so much like throwing up now, but his chest remained tight and hot and knotted.

"So, how are you gonna spend the rest of your day?" Mr. Anderson asked, stretching his legs out and gazing back at the grey sky.

Jian fixed his eyes on Mr. Anderson's left knee. "Might see m' friend." There was a beat before he added, "He made stew." and immediately regretted it.

Mr. Anderson laughed and looked at him. "Stew?"

Jian didn't know why he'd said it. "Looks disgustin'." He didn't want to talk about Desmond's gross stew.

"Yeah?" Mr. Anderson prompted, clearly still amused. "Let's see?"

Jian reluctantly got out his phone and pulled up Desmond's Instagram photo, then handed his shitty second-maybe-third-hand iPhone 4 to Mr. Anderson.

"Ah." Mr. Anderson said, uninspired, and Jian almost snorted.

"S'a good cook though." Jian said, accepting his phone as it was handed back. "'N' he wants t' be a chef. Just." He spared a second to look at the photo again. "Needs t' work 'n presentation." He locked his phone and shoved it away.

"Yeah." Mr. Anderson laughed. "What's his name?"

"Desmond." Jian said, lips naturally pulling into a slight smile. "S'a fuckin' idiot." His smile grew minutely. "Does advanced chemistry, right?"

Mr. Anderson hummed.

"Last week he-" Jian couldn't help the smallest of laughs as he remembered. "-spilt some-- chemical shit all over himself 'n' it burnt right through his coat 'n' trousers. He-" He bit his lip to stop another laugh. "-pulled his trousers down 'n' ran half-naked through school t' the bathrooms."

Mr. Anderson laughed and Jian smiled, eyes on the ground as he listened to the deep noise. It was a very nice sound; soft and strong all at once. It was even nicer than Benson's laugh and Benson's laugh was nothing short of wonderful.

"Sounds like a fun guy." Mr. Anderson's laughter had subsided but his amusement was still evident.

Jian nodded. "He is." He was about to tell Mr. Anderson how Desmond got stuck in mud a few months back when a ringtone sounded out, beating him to it.

"Sorry." Mr. Anderson murmured, pulling out his phone. He frowned lightly as he regarded it, before sighing and standing up. "Sorry, I should take this."

Jian's stomach sank pathetically. He shook his head. "S'fine." He muttered.

Mr. Anderson smiled. He grabbed Jian's doodles from the bench and said, "I'll text you about the game."

Jian nodded, chewing the inside of his lip.

With one last smile, Mr. Anderson said, "Later, then." before turning his attention to his phone and accepting the incoming call. Jian heard a brief, "Hey, how's it going?" as Mr. Anderson made his way back inside.

Jian picked at his middle fingernail for about 10 minutes before he flicked Desmond a text telling him he was coming over. He got no response other than a pig nose emoji.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian's whole body went hot as he read the texts. And reread them. And reread them.

The pool was noisy and Jian struggled more than usual to block it out. His friends were hollering on the bleachers. They clearly didn't know what was going on. But points for effort. His coach said something or other about Jason's form and Alex's flip turn. He then told them they were racing to finish up for this morning and Jian followed the other four out of the pool and onto the starting blocks.

Isaac wolf-whistled and Benson yelled out a joking, "Damn Nangong, you fine!"

Jian wondered if he could talk with coach about banning them from the pool. There was a lead up and then the whistle sounded and Jian dived.

He liked being underwater. It was calming. He didn't have to think. Just needed to focus on strokes and technique. He was considering dropping swimming next year. It took up a fair bit of his time and he'd rather focus on dance. But when he was by himself, in his lane, entirely occupied with just pushing forward through the water, he didn't want to give anything up.

He placed first and coach gave him an over-enthusiastic high-five, while his friends jumped and clapped and yelled from the other side of the large room.

They came into the changing rooms with him; Desmond choosing, for some bizarre reason, to lean on the shower cubical Jian was in.

"Pools are so stinky." came Isaac's voice and Jian scrubbed his hands through his hair.

"Wait outside." Benson said.

"I get lonely." Isaac responded.

"Jian, d'you reckon you could go professional?" Desmond asked and Jian turned his back to the shower, rolling his neck.

"No." he murmured, eyes closing.

"I think you could." Desmond told him and there were various noises of support from the others.

"You don't 'nderstand the sport then." Jian rubbed his hands over his face before shutting off the water. "Got m' towel?"

There was some shuffling before a white towel was chucked over the stall wall to him. "I understand well enough." Desmond said.

Jian snorted, quickly rubbing the towel over himself before tying it round his waist and coming out of the shower. "Then you'd know I ain't good enough."

Desmond groaned. "Such self-depreciation. I can't win."

Jian ignored him, moving over to his bag and rummaging through it for his clothes.

"But you enjoy it, no?" Leo asked from where he was sat on the bench beside Jian's bag.

Jian slipped on his boxer briefs then let his towel fall from his waist and pulled on some track pants. "Not enough to take it 'nywhere."

Leo hummed, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

Jian pulled on an old grey shirt, a hand-me-down of Isaac's, and Isaac grinned. "What excellent fashion sense you have."

Jian shot him an unamused look before tugging on a jersey.

"Oh right!" Benson slipped an arm over Isaac's shoulder. "I forgot to say, I have detention at lunch today."

Desmond let out a surprised laugh. "What for?"

Benson winked. "Comedic talent."

Desmond snorted and Jian started pulling on his socks and shoes.

Isaac squinted at him. "Specifics please?"

Benson sighed dramatically. "Clara said - when we were making electrical circuits last period on Friday - she said I needed _to_ _push it in further-_ "

Leo let out a quiet groan before Benson was even finished. Jian suppressed a smile.

"-and what else _could_ I say? Mr. Hendricks just happened to be standing directly behind me. And he'd already given me one warning."

"One warning?" Desmond inquired as Jian slung his bag over his shoulder and they began to meander toward the exit.

"Yeah." Benson sighed, letting go of Isaac's shoulder. "When discussing electrical circuits before, Dylan asked our lovely Mr. Hendricks _can it be that big?_ and really!" Benson looked imploringly about his friends. Leo shook his head and pushed open the door. "I am genuinely asking you, how could I physically stop myself?"

Desmond and Jian laughed as Isaac muttered a fond, "Dickhead."

"So I'm picking up rubbish." Benson said forlornly as they passed through a second set of doors, into the pool's foyer. "But will humbly accept any help given to lil ol' me." They exited the building and reached the car park.

"Fuck off." Isaac laughed as Desmond said, "Holy shit, _shut up_."

"Will help." Leo offered.

Benson beamed. "Thanks brother."

"Okay." Desmond sighed. "Fine." He pulled out his keys.

Benson laughed gleefully. "Thanks boys."

"I didn't agree to shit." Isaac reminded him.

"But Jian did, right?" Benson shot him a cheeky smile.

Jian shook his head. "Sure." He mumbled, doing his best not to smile back.

"You have to buy me a chicken sandwich." Isaac bargained when they reached Desmond's car and he unlocked it.

"Done." Benson beamed, cracking open the back passenger door. "Chicken sandwiches for all!"

"I want egg." Desmond told him, hopping into the driver's.

" _Egg_?" Isaac squawked and Jian smiled to himself, sliding into the passenger's. He often wondered how he got so lucky with his friends.

* * *

Desmond pulled up in front of Jian's building and parked, killing the engine. " _Your mum in_?"

Jian leant his head back on the headrest. " _Her shift ends at midnight t'day_."

Desmond let out a low whistle. " _She works hard, huh_?"

Jian nodded at the black ceiling of Desmond's car. Thinking about his mum made him feel lonely.

There was a hand on his shoulder, then. " _I'm gonna make you dinner._ " The hand dropped. " _I just read this new recipe for Greek lemon chicken. I wanna try it_."

Jian moved his head forward and reached into the back for his bag. " _I ain't got 'ny Greek ingredients_."

Desmond snorted. " _You ever heard of these neat things called, uh..._ " He moved to rest his hand on the door handle, feigning serious thought. " _shops_?"

Jian shook his head, pushing open his door and stepping out.

Desmond laughed to himself as he followed suit and Jian tried to ignore both him and the warm feeling in his chest.

They raced each other up the stairs - the lift still being under repair - and Desmond won by a whisker. As Jian was hunting through his bag for his key, his phone dinged and his heart jumped into his throat, as per his new reaction to messages since yesterday. He ignored it, finding his key and jamming it into the door.

Desmond sighed happily as they entered Jian's flat, shucking off his shoes and replacing them with one of the various pairs of house slippers by the door. He dumped his backpack on the small green sofa before making his way to the kitchen and beginning to poke about.

Jian felt fondness unfurl in his chest as he kicked off his own shoes. He didn't bother with slippers, simply went to his room and dropped his bag on his bed. He then dug his phone out of his pocket, heart speeding up despite him telling it not to.

信息 1分钟前

**452-44**

FROM TELLO: Great news! The Bonus Data offers have been extended. Next time your $10 Economy plan renews, you'll receive 1.25GB of bonus data. Bonus Data doesn't rollover. T&Cs apply, see tello.com/prepaid

He glowered at the screen for a good few seconds, then bit the inside of his cheek and dropped the phone on his bed.

Desmond had his mouth stuffed full of spicy seaweed crackers when Jian found him again. " _Gwod news._ " He said, a few crumbs falling from his mouth. " _We actuawy-_ " He swallowed. "- _only need oregano and rosemary_."

Jian nodded, moving next to him and taking the packet of crackers from the bench. He took one before scrunching it shut and putting it back into the pantry. He then tried to remember where he left his wallet. " _One second._ " He mumbled around his cracker, returning to his bedroom.

He hunted around for a while, before spotting yesterday's sweatpants and lifting them up. He found a lump in one of the pockets and pulled his wallet out shortly after. As he returned to Desmond, he dropped his sweats in the laundry bin.

Desmond now had a carton of Assam milk tea and smiled around his straw. " _Ready to rumble_?"

Jian pulled his hood up and dropped his wallet in his back pocket. " _Ready t' rumble._ " He echoed, against his better judgement.

* * *

The veggie shop was fairly empty, how Jian liked it. He and Desmond could take their time, mindlessly wandering about and making fun of oddly shaped roots. Reaching the herbs, Jian forgot what oregano looked like, so was given the task of finding rosemary instead. Desmond started to hum along to the upbeat pop music playing quietly in the background and Jian's lips twitched. At least he sounded better than Benson.

At the checkout, Desmond grabbed two packets of crab-flavoured broad beans and dropped them in front of the worker before Jian could stop him. Jian bit his lip to kill a smile. On occasion, Desmond reminded him of a dog attempting to be sneaky while being unwittingly obvious. Jian paid and accepted the brown paper bag handed to him with a nod. The checkout operator told them to have a good night and Desmond told him to do the same while Jian left.

" _Gimme my beans._ " Desmond nudged his shoulder as they began the trek back.

" _I paid f'r them. They're my beans._ "

Desmond let out an outraged bark of laughter and he snatched the bag from Jian's hands. " _No dinner for you._ " He said, pulling out his packet.

Jian laughed, barely managing to catch the packet of his own when it was thrown at him just a moment later.

* * *

He watched TV while Desmond cooked, mindlessly chattering away as he did. Jian preferred Desmond's chatter to the TV and Desmond knew it, even as Jian told him to shut up every now and then. Desmond suddenly declared to the world he needed to take a shit and ordered Jian to watch the potatoes _broil_. Jian told him to quit making up words.

Upon his return, Desmond commended Jian on doing such a good job with the broiling and Jian refrained from kicking him in the dick, deciding to go to his bedroom and grab a blanket while he was still up. His eyes fell easily to the phone discarded on his bed and he just looked at it for a while, before feeling a weird and rather overwhelming mixture of frustration and disappointment. He took his duvet and returned to the couch.

They ate together on said couch and Jian told Desmond if he got food on the duvet, he was never allowed back in the flat. It was delicious, as Jian had come to expect from Desmond. Of course, it didn't look it. Desmond himself likening the appearance to cat sick.

He left just after 8, telling Jian he'd pick him up tomorrow, just before 8.

Jian lay aimlessly on his sofa, watching some reality TV show about a lady addicted to eating cheesy potatoes, before eventually turning the TV off and taking his duvet back to his room.

He was getting ready to shower when his phone dinged twice and he scowled. Dropping his towel around his neck, he moved to reach the phone, expectations low.

信息 现在

**267 535 0139**

Hey Jian, it's James. Sorry for late message. Just letting you know the game's on Sat, at 7

信息 现在

**267 535 0139**

I can pick you up beforehand if you wanna grab something to eat first? Let me know :)

Jian's whole body went hot as he read the texts. And reread them. And reread them. His eyes lingered on the _James_ and he wondered if that was what Mr. Anderson would like Jian to call him. It obviously was. Or else he'd have used _Mr. Anderson_. Jian's stomach twisted itself into knots, then twisted those knots into tighter knots. _I can pick you up beforehand if you wanna grab something to eat first_. Jian locked his phone, dropped it back on his bed and went for his shower, feeling thoroughly shaken up and tangled.

There was happiness, though. Warm, intense and buzzing

* * *

He attempted replying a few times, before feeling stupid every time and deleting it. Now, as it was nearing 11, Jian decided to either just do it or leave it for the morning.

He was tucked in and warm, room dark around him save for the light of his phone screen. He read the texts for what must be the millionth time. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard. His heart hammered as he tapped out a reply. He couldn't hear past the pounding in his ears and he hit send, before hurriedly locking his phone and casting it aside. He pulled his duvet tight around himself and buried his head in his pillow, willing himself to suddenly fall asleep so he could deal with everything in the morning.

iMessage 信息

今天下午11:01

ok

* * *

He woke up feeling nervous. Not deeply. But it was there, thrumming in the background. He purposefully didn't check his phone, telling himself there was no way Mr. Anderson would have responded yet anyway. Instead, he focused on getting dressed, brushing his teeth and finding himself some breakfast. He didn't find his mum in the living room. Spotting her shabby purse on the tiny table between the kitchen and sofa, he assumed she was still sleeping. He put the kettle on and poured himself some cornflakes.

When both the cornflakes and tea had been ingested, he sat on his bed and looked at the phone on the bedside table. He sighed and picked it up, heartbeat quickening.

信息 1小时前

**267 535 0139**

Cool, I'll pick you up at 5:30?

Even through the nerves, Jian had an easier time crafting his response today.

iMessage 信息

今天上午7:55

ok

* * *

Needless to say, he struggled to focus throughout the entire day. In class, that wasn't unusual, but he continuously fucked up during his lunchtime basketball training. His coach even pulled him aside and threatened to bench him if he didn't get his shit together. In the end, he skipped English altogether because it was his last class and he already knew it would be unhelpful to everyone if he attended. Instead, he headed to the dance studio early, deciding to walk and see how long it really took.

Turned out, it only took half an hour and Jian filed that information away for the next time he felt like skipping last period on a Tuesday.

His teacher was teaching a kids' class and he quietly sat at the back to watch while he waited. There were a few parents doing the same, one of whom smiled fondly at Jian and he scowled - predominantly in confusion - before realising she was perhaps mistaking him for a devoted older brother.

* * *

His teacher also commented on his lack of focus and he told her he was just worried about an overdue essay. Half-true.

He got the bus home, had a couple of crackers while he did the minimum amount of homework he could get away with. Then he shot some hoops on the rundown courts next to his apartment building. The sun set before he headed back inside. He had a jam sandwich for dinner. He didn't shower before bed.

* * *

His knees were being gently spread apart on the sheets. The hands touching him burnt; one rested lightly at his hip, the other smoothed over the skin of his ass.

" _You're so pretty baby._ " came a smooth, deep voice and Jian turned his face into his pillow, heat coursing through him. A gentle kiss was placed to the small of his back before the man straightened up. Fingers dragged over the sensitive muscle of his asshole and Jian bit his lip. One pressed in slowly.

Jian let out a pathetic noise. He wanted more but this was already so much.

The man behind him made a low sound in response; reassurance. " _So good for me._ "

Jian moaned as a second finger was added and he couldn't help pushing back against them.

The man made another low noise, this one tinged with amusement. " _Impatient_." He murmured but obliged him anyway; adding a third finger and beginning to move them faster and deeper.

Jian's mouth fell open, gasps and stuttered moans coming out before he could stop them.

The fingers slipped out and Jian whimpered. The man made a soft noise of comfort, shifting behind him. And then Jian felt the line of his cock press against his rim. He dug his teeth into his lip and mindlessly bucked back against the man.

" _Slow down_." he murmured. " _You can't take me all at once_."

Jian very nearly sobbed.

The man's cock pushed in slowly, carefully, and he let out a sigh of relief as it did so. " _Mm, you feel so good baby._ " He said once his hips were flush with Jian's ass. He began to pull out and Jian fisted his hands in his sheets, moaning as the man thrust back in. He started to move faster, his thrusts growing harder as he leant over Jian. There were teeth at his ear, on his shoulder, sinking in as Jian let out helpless sounds. " _Gonna cum for me sweetheart_?"

Jian woke himself with a start, panting. He didn't even have the chance to touch himself before he was cumming, hips jerking involuntarily into the air. He breathed heavily, heart pounding as his head fell back against his pillow.

" _Fuck_." He muttered bitterly.

* * *

He woke up at 10 the next morning and decided it was a sign.

His mum was up when he shuffled into the kitchen. Her eyebrows quirked as she regarded him over the rim of her mug. " _Morning honey._ "

Jian got himself a glass of soy milk.

" _You're very late for school._ "

" _Not goin'_."

She took a long sip. " _Why not? Sick_?"

" _Feel like shit_." not a lie.

She sighed, pushed off the counter and moved to press a hand against his forehead. She made a dubious sound and put her empty mug in the sink. " _As long as you know what you're doing. I gotta get ready for work. Tidy the house for me, okay_?"

Jian took a big mouthful of milk, swishing it around his mouth before swallowing. " _'Kay._ "

He idly organised the kitchen while his mother came and went from various rooms. 5 minutes later, when she was pulling on her slip-on shoes, he made a vague effort to tidy the coffee table; collecting his plate from last night, various empty glasses and the odd food packet.

She straightened up and slipped her purse over her shoulder. " _See you later, hon. Go to school if you feel like it._ "

He offered an ambiguous grunt in reply, squinting at an empty pot noodle he had no recollection of. The door opened then clicked shut and he moved to put the rubbish in the bin and dishes in the sink.

He sighed, looking into the sink, before biting the inside of his cheek, rolling up his sleeves and getting the scrubber.

* * *

Coach sighed in relief upon seeing him. "Louis said you weren't at school today." He said as Jian moved past him and dropped his stuff on the bleachers beside the rest of the team's.

"Wasn't." he mumbled, before heading onto the court to warm up with the rest of the boys.

They played Belmont and won 95 to 80. Jian recognised, along with everyone else, that he did little to contribute to that outcome.

Coach came over as he was zipping up his bag. "The fuck's going on, huh?"

Jian tugged against his zip sticking.

"You're playing like a fucking--" he made an irate hand gesture. "-chipmunk. I'm serious about benching you."

Jian overcame the catch in his zip and straightened, slinging the bag over his shoulder. "Tired. I'll be better."

"I sure as shit hope so."

Jian moved past him in the direction of the exit.

He did go to school on Thursday and it passed uneventfully. But there was an odd feeling in his gut which persisted into swimming that evening and then onto Friday. It felt as if everything was moving around him, yet Jian was just stuck.

Friday night saw his game with the social league and they beat the ENC boys 25 to 22. Jian was happy to report he had something, at least, to do with that one. Desmond invited them all to get Mexican and the other three enthusiastically agreed. Jian didn't fancy it though and Desmond dropped him off happily, telling him to take it easy.

That night, he had a hard time falling asleep. Each minute felt like an hour and he was too hot and too cold. No position remained comfortable for long. He was excited. And that made him angry. He was also nervous and, as much as he ignored it or willed it away, the tension in his chest stuck.

It was just gone one when he finally drifted off and just gone four when he woke again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cut this down a bit cos im worried ab it bein long n boring so lmk if anything feels jerky or disjointed :~D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jian looked at Mr. Anderson, he was watching Jian with quirked lips again and Jian's heart jumped. "What?"
> 
> "Nothing." Mr. Anderson easily uncapped his bottle with a smile. "I just think you're interesting." He took a sip, maintaining eye-contact with Jian.

His mum asked him if he wanted to go out for breakfast and Jian said no. So they ate noodles on the sofa, watching some cartoon she liked. She asked what his plans were and he felt almost sick.

He swallowed his current mouthful. " _Homework. 'N' then 'm goin' over t' Des's t'night_."

" _How nice_." she smiled. " _How's he? Doing well_?"

" _Mn_."

" _What're you gonna do_?"

" _Dunno_ _. Hang out_."

She hummed, finishing her noodles. " _Time will you be back_?"

" _Dunno._ " Jian said because he didn't. " _Ten, maybe. I'll text._ "

" _Mkay._ "

Jian didn't like lying but he couldn't help noticing how naturally it came to him.

* * *

He was finally making a start on his _Hamlet_ essay when his phone dinged. His heart predictably jumped into his mouth and he calmly looked away from his laptop.

信息  现在

**267 535 0139**

Hey, just confirming today at 5:30 :)

信息  现在

**267 535 0139**

Want me to pick you up outside your apartment or somewhere else?

信息  现在

**267 535 0139**

Text me the address 

Jian swiped to open the message log. He reread the texts as he tended to do when they were from Mr. Anderson. He hadn't actually thought about it - Mr. Anderson picking him up. Now that he did, he didn't like the idea of it being from his flat. He wasn't sure why.

iMessage 信息

今天下午3:45

the bakry on mason ave

iMessage 信息

今天下午3:45

Sure thing

See you tonight :)

Jian scowled at his phone, locked it and twisted to throw it behind him on the bed. He pushed everything from his mind and went back to _Hamlet_.

He managed an impressive 5 words.

* * *

There was a bench between the bakery and butcher. Jian was sat on it. He was now wearing a plain grey shirt under a plain grey sweatshirt - both a little too big - some faded blue skinny jeans and black high-top sneakers. He'd never rotated through so many outfits prior to leaving the house before. First, he'd put on his most slobby clothes, then he'd put on some simple but clean sweats and a hoodie. He'd been confident in that for a while, then had switched to some skinny cargo trousers, a white shirt and that bomber jacket Leo bought for his birthday last year. He felt stupid shortly after putting all that on so went for some trackies and a different hoodie. Finally, he'd changed to his current outfit, only sticking with it because he'd run out of time.

He gnawed on his fingernails as he waited, leg bouncing. He tried to remember what normal felt like. He'd taken it for granted, whatever it was.

A car pulled up a short way down from him and Jian glanced over. It was a sleek, obsidian Mercedes Benz. Jian stood. His stomach twisted. He grit his teeth and moved over.

Mr. Anderson smiled at him as Jian pulled open the passenger's. "Hey."

Jian stood outside the car, hand on the door as he took him in. Mr. Anderson looked regrettably gorgeous and Jian briefly considered just shutting the door and going home. He wore a black turtleneck, under a light grey overcoat, some slim-cut black jeans and some grey Chelsea boots.

"You okay?" he asked, after Jian made no move to hop in.

Jian scowled. Swallowed. Ducked into the car. Mr. Anderson was overdressed for a basketball game, in his opinion.

"You look nice." he said easily, hand moving to rest on the back of Jian's seat as he reversed.

His cologne made Jian's entire body go hot and he wanted just _one_ _minute_ of not feeling like there was a fucking carnival in his chest. He looked out his window. "You too." It came out stiff and hostile.

Mr. Anderson dropped the hand and pulled onto the road. He was quiet for a moment and Jian glared out the window, wondering why he wanted so badly to spend time with Mr. Anderson when it just made him feel angry and embarrassed and confused. He could feel eyes on the side of his face.

Then Mr. Anderson asked, "How's your week been?"

"Fine." there wasn't even anything special about Mr. Anderson. He was exceptionally handsome, but other than that there was no reason for Jian to be so captivated. It didn't make sense.

"What did you do?" Mr. Anderson prodded, taking a right.

Jian read a sign advertising Aunt Marsha's sweets. "Nothin'."

There was a very soft sigh and suddenly Jian felt guilt pile on top of everything else. Of course Mr. Anderson wasn't aware of the ridiculous effect he had on Jian, he was just trying to have a nice conversation. Yet Jian was hellbent on making things difficult and unenjoyable for everyone, apparently.

He took his bottom lip into his mouth briefly, before mumbling a small, "Sports. Mainly."

Mr. Anderson glanced over. "Yeah?" He prompted.

Jian met his eyes momentarily. "Mn." He looked away, eyes fixing on the road ahead. "Got swimmin' twice a week. Then dance. 'N' basketball three times."

"Three?" Mr. Anderson repeated, slowing at an orange light. "How does that work?"

"Cos 'm 'n two teams." Jian said. "So two games a week 'n' a trainin' f'r the social team. School team trains twice a week too, but s'durin' lunchtimes."

Mr. Anderson let out a short whistle, throwing Jian an impressed smile. "Do you get _any_ free time?"

Jian watched a white Toyota Hilux go past, a German Shepherd sitting happily in the back. "I get m' weekends free."

"You work hard, huh?" Mr. Anderson smiled and the light turned green.

Jian felt his stomach turn. "'Ve got three overdue assignments 'n' 'm barely passin' most 'f m' classes."

"That doesn't mean you don't work hard." came the easy response and Jian clenched his jaw.

It wasn't yet dark, but things were beginning to dim and street lights glowed. Neon signs and electronic billboards drew the eye as they cast colourful lights on the streets and cars around them.

"So what do you wanna eat?" Mr. Anderson asked.

Jian watched a neon bottle flash next to the Queen's Liquor sign. "I'll eat 'nythin'." He answered truthfully, watching a man in a leather jacket exit the shop.

Mr. Anderson hummed in acknowledgement. "Yeah, but what do you _want_?"

They came to another intersection and Jian looked at some mannequins in a shop window. He wasn't sure what he wanted. "Indian." He said, then added, "Or pizza." because he'd been fancying a pepperoni pizza for a while now.

"Indian or pizza." Mr. Anderson repeated thoughtfully. "How about this?" He rolled forward slightly and Jian followed a couple walking down the street, each holding one hand of the child between them. "Pizza for dinner," The light changed and he turned left. "and if you wanna get some dessert after the game, we can get some gulab jamun or something."

Jian hadn't had Indian sweets for a very long time. "Yeah." He nodded, reading a sign in Mandarin advertising cheap eggs and onions at Wangjia Supermarket. "Sounds nice."

He was still nervous, but there was now a comforting warmth beginning to make itself known in his gut. He tried to relax. Maybe this was why he so badly wanted to spend time with Mr. Anderson.

* * *

The decor was industrial style; the walls were a red brick, the floor was hardwood and black pendant lights hung above each table, most of which were two-seater. There was a red, leather cushion seat along the back wall. They, however, sat next to the right wall, somewhere between the back and front of the restaurant. In the background, Jian could hear that old, cliche song playing. _That's Amore._

Jian had already decided on pepperoni and now eyed the sides. He fucking loved stuffed jalapeños and mozzarella sticks. Holy shit.

"Evening signori, are we ready to order?" a young waiter appeared at their table, notebook in hand and smile on face.

Mr. Anderson looked up from his menu in order to raise his eyebrows at Jian. Jian gave him a small nod, eyes shifting off to the side. Mr. Anderson shut his menu. "Margherita for me, thanks."

The waiter nodded wisely and scribbled it down, before taking his menu and turning to Jian.

"Uh." Jian looked at his black bowtie. "Pepperoni."

"Ah, great choice." he scribbled that one down too.

Jian dropped his eyes back to the sides, suddenly feeling anxious at the idea of asking for some.

"And anything to drink?" the waiter asked, not taking Jian's menu given he was still reading it.

"Budweiser, thanks." Mr. Anderson said, though he was looking at Jian and wearing a slight frown. "Jian, you can get sides if you want."

Jian felt his ears burn and he scowled. "Stuffed jalapeños." He mumbled, shutting his menu and handing it back.

"Of course." the waiter murmured, adding it on.

"And some mozzarella sticks, too." Mr. Anderson said. "What do you want to drink?" He asked Jian.

"Apple juice." he muttered, eyes on the table, feeling childish.

"Okie dokie." the server stepped back. "Is that all for now gents?"

Mr. Anderson gave him a smile. "It is, thanks."

"No worries, coming right up." he stepped away from their table and headed in the direction of the kitchen at the back-left of the restaurant.

Mr. Anderson leant back in his chair, the corners of his lips quirked. "You okay?"

Jian shot him a scowl, disguising the fact his whole body had gone hot in response to such a simple yet attentive question.

Mr. Anderson chuckled and looked off to the side, toward the till across the room. "It's nice here."

Jian's eyes found a piece of art depicting what he guessed was an Italian street. He nodded, no words coming to his head.

Mr. Anderson's eyes returned to him. "So, tell me about your three overdue assignments."

Jian groaned and Mr. Anderson chuckled again. Jian folded his arms and sunk down in his seat. "Have a calculus one on solvin' a bunch 'f problems 'n' 'm nearly done cos Desmond helped me." Nearly done meant he was just under halfway through. "Then 've got one f'r economics where I have t'," He let out a breath and tipped his head back so he could squint at the pendant light above their table. "'nalyse inflation or somethin'. I don't-- haven't started but Leo's gonna help me. Then I have-" He scowled and moved his head back forward. "-f'r 'Nglish, a fuckin' essay 'n--" He forgot the name of the play. "-it's Shakespeare 'n'- 'bout--" He wasn't sure what it was about. "-with the skull?"

Mr. Anderson looked amused but didn't laugh. Instead, he asked, " _Hamlet_?"

"Yeah." Jian nodded, wondering if he looked stupid.

Mr. Anderson tilted his head to the side, eyes still dancing in amusement. "So, what are you writing about?"

Jian shrugged, unfolding his arms in order to scratch at a mark on the table. "Didn't read the play. 'Nly looked at-- summaries 'n' videos 'nline. 'M writin' 'bout this idea 'f-- performance." He flicked his eyes up to Mr. Anderson.

Mr. Anderson's eyebrows rose and his amusement turned to interest. "Yeah?"

Jian swallowed and broke eye-contact. "I just find it-- 'nterestin' he pretends t' be mad when it just feels like- s'not _mad_ but I don't-- he ain't pretendin' either."

Mr. Anderson's lips twitched. Still not in amusement, and not quite in interest, either, almost in something like-- pride.

Jian's heart began to beat hard enough that he started to worry about the racket it was making.

"What do you mean by that?" Mr. Anderson asked.

Jian chewed his lip, unsure how to explain himself. "I don't-- 'n' I didn't even read it, so 'm prob'ly wrong 'nyway-"

"-I don't think you're wrong." Mr. Anderson cut him off. "I think you're perceptive."

Jian's chest was worryingly tight. He swallowed. "When you can't express your emotions, it-" He was finding this very hard. "-I mean." He shifted his gaze; watched two young-ish girls across the restaurant. "Some things you have t' hide but you can-- express them 'n different ways. Think Hamlet's madness's real but not-- don't think he's mad, just think he ain't got 'ny other way t' express his strong emotions." He could feel Mr. Anderson watching him and his face felt hot. "'N' then there's this quote 'bout-- actin' 'n' nature which- it- I think, when you're pretendin', you accidentally reveal more than 'f you're bein'-- honest." It was a mess, everything he'd just said; just a jumble of half-formed ideas and he didn't want to look back at Mr. Anderson.

"When you said your teachers think you're dumb," Mr. Anderson began and Jian risked looking back. "were you serious, or just being self-deprecating?"

A very muted surge of frustration flared somewhere in Jian's gut. "At the start of the year, m' 'Nglish teacher said this essay I wrote woulda been better 'f I'd just vomited 'n the page."

Mr. Anderson's eyebrows shot up. "Are you serious?"

"Mn." Jian dropped his eyes to the table and something popped into his head, causing a faint spark of amusement. "Actually," He snorted at the memory. "when I took hist'ry last year, m' teacher banned me fr'm raisin' m' hand 'n class cos I always got it wrong."

When he looked back up with a small smile, he found Mr. Anderson was clearly not as amused as he was. A muscle jumped in his jaw as he regarded Jian with critical eyes. "That's messed up." He finally said.

Jian broke eye-contact; started scratching the table again. "S'fine." He muttered, a little put out that Mr. Anderson didn't share his amusement.

"You should tell your dean." Mr. Anderson said.

Jian let out a short breath of laughter, wishing he'd said nothing in the first place. "'Kay." He mumbled, in order to make Mr. Anderson drop it.

Mr. Anderson sighed softly.

Jian wondered at how quickly his emotions changed. One minute, he was so nervous he felt sick, then he was happy and hot and then, in the very same minute, he felt frustrated and stupid and misunderstood. It was complicated and tangled and exhausting. Yet, here he was.

"One Budweiser." a bottle and bottle opener were placed on the table before Mr. Anderson. "And one apple juice." A glass was placed in front of Jian. "Do you want a straw with that one?"

Jian scowled at the waiter, feeling babied. "No."

"Of course." He stepped back. "Food will be out shortly fellas."

When Jian looked at Mr. Anderson, he was watching Jian with quirked lips again and Jian's heart jumped. "What?"

"Nothing." Mr. Anderson easily uncapped his bottle with a smile. "I just think you're interesting." He took a sip, maintaining eye-contact with Jian.

Jian swallowed and looked away. Here he was, right back to some messy combination of nerves and happiness.

He pulled his glass toward himself and peered into it. There wasn't as much ice as restaurants usually put in. He took a small sip.

"Have you always been athletic?" Mr. Anderson asked him after a moment.

Jian glanced up, surprised at the sudden question, but happy for the change. "Yeah." He nodded, both hands coming to wrap around his glass. "Since I can remember."

Mr. Anderson smiled. "When'd you start dancing?"

"When I's six." he answered. "'N China."

"Oh yeah?" Mr. Anderson had a hand wrapped loosely around his beer. "When'd you move to America?"

"When I's twelve." he answered and didn't really want to get into any of that. So he asked a question of his own: "D'you play a sport?"

Mr. Anderson's eyebrows rose again, before he let out a gentle chuckle. "No." He answered, smiling. "I don't."

Jian felt a small embarrassment worm its way into his chest but was relieved, at least, that the topic had shifted.

"I used to." Mr. Anderson admitted before taking another sip of his beer and swishing it around his mouth. "Played baseball."

Jian fixed his eyes on his apple juice as his mind supplied him with a most unwanted image of Mr. Anderson in a baseball uniform. "Oh." He sounded, because he had to give some answer. "Did you--" It was awkward and jerky, he was aware. "-'njoy it?"

"Sure." Mr. Anderson answered. "It was fun. And I think it motivated me, in various areas."

Jian nodded. "I ain't ever played."

Mr. Anderson smiled. "It's a good game."

"Why'd you stop playin' then?" Jian asked.

"I went to uni." Mr. Anderson said. "And I wanted to focus on studying. It was never anything more than a hobby; never something I took seriously enough that it would be hard to drop."

Jian nodded. "You go to Emerwich?"

Mr. Anderson laughed, "No. I-"

"-stuffed jalapeños," they slid to the middle of the table, evenly between Jian and Mr. Anderson, "and some mozzarella sticks." were placed next to the jalapeños. The waiter stepped back. "Pizzas aren't far away now, gents."

Mr. Anderson gave him a smile and the waiter retreated once again.

Mr. Anderson slid the two small dishes a little closer to Jian, but took a mozzarella stick for himself. "I went to the University of Denver."

Jian looked at the two plates, nerves surging for some unknown reason. He was getting used to it. "You fr'm Colorado?"

"Mmhm." Mr. Anderson nodded, chewing on his mozzarella stick.

Jian took a stuffed jalapeño. "S'it nice there?"

Mr. Anderson made a vague noise. "Sure has some pretty scenery." He said. "It's alright."

Jian nodded and nibbled on his stuffed jalapeño.

"You ever been anywhere outside of Pennsylvania?" Mr. Anderson asked.

Jian shook his head. They'd never had money to spare for holidays.

"Anywhere you wanna go?"

Jian wasn't sure.

"One margherita." was placed in front of Mr. Anderson. "And one pepperoni. Enjoy signori."

Jian mumbled a _thanks_ which was lost in Mr. Anderson's as the waiter nodded and moved away.

Jian finished his stuffed jalapeño and swallowed, picking up his fork in order to poke a piece of pepperoni. "Dunno." He said. "Korea, maybe."

"Korea?" Mr. Anderson smiled.

Jian nodded.

"I went in twenty-eleven. It's beautiful." Mr. Anderson told him.

Jian scooped the piece of pepperoni up. "Where'd you go?"

"Business was in Seoul." Mr. Anderson said. "Then I spent a week in Sokcho."

Jian couldn't help a little smile. "You go t' Mount Seorak?"

Mr. Anderson grinned. "Mmhm. Was amazing."

* * *

There were more and more people the closer they got. Jian moved to dig his hands in his pockets before remembering he wasn't in a hoodie and scowling. There was a band playing to the side of the steps leading up to the stadium; they wore The Stags' colours, faces covered with loud paint. One of the drummers winked at Jian as he spun a drumstick around his hand. Jian looked away, moving ever so slightly closer to Mr. Anderson as a man with two kids hurried past.

His shoulder brushed Mr. Anderson's arm and Mr. Anderson glanced down. "Alright?"

Jian swallowed and nodded, resigned to the fact that his nerves had returned.

When they got past the ticket checkers, there seemed to be even more people and Jian began to feel a different type of anxious, one that had little to do with the man beside him for what must have been the first time since they'd met.

There were people lining up for donuts and hot dogs and coffee and liquor at some of the stadium's walk-in shops. There were a lot of kids, loudly darting everywhere and making navigation stressful.

"We're up here." there was suddenly a hand on Jian's back, guiding him gently to the right. Mr. Anderson nodded to Gate 2.

Jian couldn't speak around the heart beating in his throat and felt ridiculous. His body was hot and it tingled where the warm pressure was being applied. The hand lingered for a moment more, before it dropped away and Jian felt a rush of intertwined relief and disappointment. There was a very faint nausea in his gut too and he swallowed.

They were good seats, when they finally made it to them. They were on the right side, in the middle-front with a very clear view of the entire court. Stags flags hung from the ceiling of the stadium and Jian could currently only see a few Trojan fans. A group of boys, particularly, had gone full-out; wearing exaggerated soldier outfits as they hollered from their spot at the back end of the stadium.

A couple bumbled happily to their seats in front of Jian and Mr. Anderson. The lady carried a bag of donuts and the man a hot dog; each also held a large soft drink.

"Oh yeah." Mr. Anderson said beside him. "You don't need anything, right? Not thirsty?"

Jian looked over. Shook his head.

Mr. Anderson raised his eyebrows. "You sure? If we get something now we won't have to get anything in the breaks."

"'M fine." Jian said, eyes falling back to the large, currently empty court. "But don't mind waitin' here 'f you want 'nythin'."

Mr. Anderson hummed absently, sat for a moment, then said, "'Kay. I'll be right back."

Jian watched him leave. He wondered if Mr. Anderson was aware of how handsome he was. Jian couldn't see why he wouldn't be, no doubt owning a mirror. He wondered, then, if he was aware of the effect he had on people. People being Jian. Fixing his gaze on the balding man in front of him, Jian couldn't see how he wouldn't be, no doubt owning a brain far more powerful than Jian's. It was a terrifying thought.

Mr. Anderson returned with a two litre bottle of water. Just so they _don't_ _get dehydrated_. Jian could feel the smile on his face as a team of cheerleaders made their way onto the court.

* * *

The Stags won 114 to 111 and it was the most fun Jian had ever had watching a basketball match and that included the game he and the boys had gone to on Isaac's birthday last year.

"Still up for dessert?" Mr. Anderson asked as they approached his car and he pulled out his keys.

"Mn." Jian nodded, still up for anything if it meant spending more time with him.

"Okay." Mr. Anderson smiled, keys swinging around his finger. "I know a place."

The place turned out to be a tiny shop called Indian Spice City. Jian wandered around, looking at the different spices and ingredients as Mr. Anderson bought some things; Jian said he'd eat anything.

Jian was reading the label on a packet of paratha when Mr. Anderson knocked his shoulder lightly. "Okay?"

Jian nodded, eyeing the three small paper bags Mr. Anderson held.

Once they were back in Mr. Anderson's car, he placed the bags in the cup holders between them before starting the engine and pulling out.

"Where do you wanna eat them?" he asked.

Jian watched the clock change from 9:02 to 9:03. "Don't mind."

Mr. Anderson hummed, slowing as they came up behind a red Volkswagen. "You like the waterfront?"

Of course Jian liked the waterfront. "S'pretty."

Mr. Anderson smiled. "It is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive only been to rugby games, so apologies if anything seemed weird ab the basketball game here ;]


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm gay." Mr. Anderson finally said and Jian's entire world came to a screeching halt.

There was no one else at this point of the waterfront. It was a bit dark (perhaps the reason for said emptiness) but the street and city lights reflected prettily on the water. They found a spot on the steps leading down to the river, sitting just out of reach of the sluggishly lapping waves.

Mr. Anderson's thigh touched Jian's as he took the spot beside him. "'Kay." He said happily. "Got some jalebi," He handed one bag to Jian. "some gulab jamun," He handed him a second bag. "and also some laddoo, for luck." He kept the last bag for himself. "There's two of each."

Jian heard the words he said, but was preoccupied by the heat coming from where they were touching and forgot to respond.

"That okay?" Mr. Anderson prompted after a moment.

Jian blinked, looking up from their touching legs. He swallowed and nodded, shifting his leg away from Mr. Anderson in, he hoped, a discreet manner.

Mr. Anderson watched him for a second longer before he opened his bag and took out a golden-orange ball, biting into it and looking out at the water.

Jian looked at the bags he held himself. He quietly put one between them and opened the other, peering in. It was the jalebi one and he took out an orange disc, giving it a small nibble.

"I had a dream I saw a whale out here once." Mr. Anderson mused. "It was massive; super cool."

Jian looked out across the twinkling water. He took a bigger bite of his sweet before answering. "Wanna see 'n orca."

"Yeah?" Mr. Anderson asked. "They're pretty neat."

"M' favourite sea 'nimal." Jian told him, finishing his jalebi. "Also sharks."

"Yeah." Mr. Anderson agreed with a smile, getting himself a gulab jamun. "Sharks are beautiful."

Jian nodded. He put the jalebi bag between them and followed in Mr. Anderson's footsteps. "Somethin' scary 'bout the ocean." He said, screwing up the now empty gulab jamun bag. "But comfortin' at the same time."

"What's scary about it?" Mr. Anderson asked.

"Dunno." Jian said because he didn't. "Somethin'."

Mr. Anderson chuckled. "Something." He repeated softly.

Jian finished his gulab jamun and took a laddoo, screwing up the second empty bag.

"Would you rather breathe through fire or water?" Mr. Anderson asked, taking the last jalebi.

Jian swallowed his mouthful. "Water." He said without thinking about it. "Who wouldn't?"

Mr. Anderson laughed, stretching his legs out in front of himself. "I suppose." He finished his sweet and dusted his hands in mid-air. "What about if you had to choose between breathing underwater and flying?"

Jian looked up to the moon; three-quarters full and shining brightly. This one required a little more thought. "Flight." He eventually decided. "You?"

"Flight." Mr. Anderson nodded. "I like the sense of freedom it holds."

"Mn." Jian agreed, glancing over at him.

Mr. Anderson smiled, before looking back out to the water and moving a hand to scratch the side of his nose. The light caught on a slim band of metal on his ring finger and Jian felt a sharp pang in his gut.

"You're married." he said stiffly. He'd meant to pose it as an open question, one which would begin a light and friendly conversation. But of course things never worked out like that for Jian.

Mr. Anderson glanced back to him, the hand dropping.

Jian looked away, trying not to scowl because that would be telling. But when Mr. Anderson still didn't respond, he looked back, gut twisting because maybe he'd crossed a line now. Mr. Anderson was still watching him and Jian swallowed, wracking his brain for something to say to shift the mood back to something warm and unhurried instead of-- _this_.

"I'm gay." Mr. Anderson finally said and Jian's entire world came to a screeching halt.

Then it all started moving again; he felt too much, too quickly and wanted it to stop. He didn't know what to say, of course he didn't. He bit the inside of his cheek, panic rising because he needed to say _something_.

"So you've a husband." he ended up muttering, eyes fixed on the step two below him, where water gently moved back and forth.

"I have a wife." Mr. Anderson replied calmly.

When Jian swallowed, his throat clicked. He didn't know what to do with this information; _why_ it was given to him in the first place. "I don't-- 'nderstand." It came out very quiet.

Mr. Anderson sighed. "That's fair." He absently picked up their rubbish, screwing it up further and tucking it away in his pocket. "My father likes to say homosexuals are lesser than dogs and my mother refrains from saying anything at all on the matter, claiming it causes her too much stress." He looked up to the night's sky. "I married my wife because it's what my parents wanted for me. I'm not brave enough to tell them the truth. They love me," He dropped his eyes away from the sky and found Jian's. "because they don't know me."

Jian thought he actually might vomit. His heart was beating violently. He didn't know where to put his eyes and Mr. Anderson seemed happy to watch him struggle. Jian bit the inside of his cheek, then took his bottom lip into his mouth.

"Jian." Mr. Anderson said, ever so softly and Jian's nerves skyrocketed impossibly higher. He didn't know what it meant. What any of this meant. He didn't know what to do; to say. He felt hot and cold and far too nervous for any coherent thoughts to be able to form.

And then there were lips on Jian's; light, so light he could barely feel them. A warm hand was soon after brought to cup his cheek and Jian didn't notice his eyes slipping closed. He could feel Mr. Anderson's breath; could smell his cologne; could feel his beard brushing against his skin and it was-- a lot. His heart was pounding through his entire body. He couldn't hear anything around it. But it felt good. It felt _so_ _good_ ; he wanted to stay like this forever; wanted to-

Mr. Anderson pulled away and Jian wondered if he'd done something wrong. He opened his mouth, with no fucking idea what would come out, "I-"

"-sorry." Mr. Anderson cut him off, looking to the side. Jian watched a muscle in his jaw jump. "I-" He looked back to Jian and Jian couldn't read his expression at all. "-I shouldn't-" He ran a hand over his face, before his gaze settled more firmly on Jian. "-Jian, believe me, that's not why I-" He sighed. "-I like you. You're smart and interesting and funny and _beautiful_." The last word came out almost breathless and Jian felt as if somebody had punched him. "But I didn't want- you're _sixteen_ , I'm thirty-three, it-" He shook his head. "-I don't want you to think this is why I wanted to spend time with you."

"I don't mind." came out and Jian was hardly aware he'd been the one to say it until Mr. Anderson's eyebrows rose.

"You don't mind what?" he asked carefully.

Jian swallowed. He wasn't sure; "'Nythin'." was what he said. "I don't-- mind."

Mr. Anderson just sighed again and turned away. "You should."

Anger joined whatever the fuck else Jian was feeling. "Well I don't."

Mr. Anderson looked back at him, eyes critical. "You want me to fuck you?"

Now Jian felt like somebody had punched him, kicked him and slammed his head against the ground. His mouth went dry. He didn't know what Mr. Anderson was looking for. "I-" He cut himself off. He didn't know what he wanted. He hadn't known from the very beginning of whatever this was. All he knew was, "-I want t'-- spend time with you. I don't-" he swallowed. "-I don't care what we do."

Something more familiar began to ebb back into Mr. Anderson's expression. "You understand what's happening, right?"

Jian scowled. "You're the one who keeps tellin' me how smart I am. What d'you think?"

"Jian," Mr. Anderson started. "I just need to know you understand this isn't-- it's- and when you ask to spend time with me like that, I--" He shook his head and ran another hand over his face. "-the way I want to spend time with you might not be what you're used to."

Jian didn't understand what he meant by that but felt owning up to that would be unhelpful. So he asked, "How d'you want t' spend time with me?"

Mr. Anderson let out a huff of laughter, a hand moving through his hair, ruffling it slightly. "I think I want to date you, Jian."

Jian swallowed, this new information having a difficult time fitting into his head. He frowned at the river, then at his shoes; wondered vaguely if his heart might break out of his chest at the rate it was going.

"But this wasn't my intention." Mr. Anderson said when Jian remained quiet. "I mean, I can tell that you..." He made a distracted gesture with his hand. "the way you react to me, but I didn't entertain the idea, because it's not-- I just wanted to take you somewhere nice because I enjoy your company and thought you deserved it. I didn't-" He caught Jian's eyes and held them. "-I didn't mean for it to go this way. I'm sorry."

Jian's gut sank a little. He didn't understand why Mr. Anderson was apologising, but it felt like he was saying _no_. He chewed the inside of his cheek. "How do I react t' you?" He asked instead, trying to shift the focus because his disappointment started to hurt. He was also curious about how obvious he apparently was.

Mr. Anderson's expression softened, then, and he smiled, looking back out at the water. "I think you know that better than me." He murmured. "But from my end..." He looked back to Jian, still smiling. "you get distracted a lot."

Jian swallowed and broke eye-contact.

Mr. Anderson chuckled. "And you do that." He said. "You fidget and your ears turn pink and you chew your damn lip."

Jian tried to count his laces, to ground himself. He got to three. "How--" He started then stopped. He swallowed again. "-when- since when did you..." He decided not to finish because it was too hard.

Mr. Anderson seemed to understand anyway. He let out a soft breath of laughter. "Since you told me you needed to piss in the workshop." He said. "At first, I thought you were embarrassed about what I said. But then," He smiled, eyes finding the moon. "when we were having lunch, I rolled up my sleeves;" He laughed gently and Jian almost cringed at the memory. "it was like you short-circuited." He exhaled quietly. "And after that, even if you were hostile and defensive, it just looked like you had a crush."

Jian bit his cheek, gut churning in embarrassment.

"And then, on the day of the MUN," Mr. Anderson continued. "you got jealous."

Jian very nearly choked on his saliva. Mr. Anderson had spoken that as if it were a fact. Jian squinted at him. "'Xcuse me?"

"That's what it was, right?" Mr. Anderson raised his eyebrows with a tiny smile. "You didn't like that I wasn't solely focused on you and got sulky."

Jian swallowed because he _was_ right. He was right and Jian didn't even know. It scared him that Mr. Anderson apparently understood his emotions better than Jian himself. He looked back to his feet and decided to change the topic slightly. "You said I--" He tore his eyes away from his shoes in order to glance at Mr. Anderson, before dropping them again. "-y'said you 'nvited me cos I-- deserved it." He frowned, trying to keep up with his own swirling thoughts. "I- do--" His frown became a scowl. "-d'you _pity_ me?"

Mr. Anderson made a soft noise and Jian risked meeting his eyes again. He was frowning very slightly. "No, I don't pity you."

Jian clenched his jaw, not understanding. "Then what's that mean?"

Mr. Anderson's frown grew, just a fraction. "Jian, just because people do nice things for you, it doesn't mean they feel sorry for you."

"I-" Jian knew that; his friends did sweet shit for him all the time. But this was different. "-I-- 'm fuckin' confused."

Mr. Anderson sighed lightly. "Maybe I worded it wrong." He admitted. "I just wanted to make you feel wanted-"

Jian's gut twisted harshly. "-cos 'm _un_ wanted?"

"I-" Mr. Anderson blinked at him. "- _no_ , Jian. No, that-" He looked at Jian searchingly. "-I mean, you talk about yourself like you're a headache to be around. I want you to know that's not true, that I _like_ being with you. I just-" He sighed. "-I wanted to do something nice for you because I wanted to make you happy. That's it."

 _That's it._ Simple. Jian tried to relax. Didn't achieve it. Wondered if it was even possible to achieve anymore. "Okay." He finally managed to mumble.

Mr. Anderson sighed quietly beside him.

Jian watched the silhouette of a bird swoop across the water. He wasn't sure where this had gotten them. Mr. Anderson had kissed him, then apologised. Said he wanted to date him, then apologised. Jian wanted to ask why he kept apologising for things that seemed so good. But he didn't know how. So he stayed quiet, feeling dejected.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Mr. Anderson broke the silence that had grown between them and Jian's stomach lurched.

"No." he muttered, a touch bitterly.

Mr. Anderson looked at him. "What _do_ you want?"

Jian felt his ears heat up. He swallowed. He picked up a little stone and started scratching at the step he was sat on. "D'you think I want?"

Mr. Anderson exhaled softly. A beat passed. "Do you want me to kiss you again?"

Jian's heart jumped right back into his mouth. Dejection became something akin to hope. He didn't trust himself to form words. So he just nodded.

Mr. Anderson let out another exhale, though this one was underlined with something lighter; affection, maybe. "Alright."

He shifted closer, then, closing any distance between them. Their legs were flush together and Jian went hot. A hand came up to rest at the crook of his neck, firm and warm. His other hand came up to Jian's cheek and he brushed across Jian's cheekbone, ever so lightly. Jian broke eye-contact in order to fix his eyes on Mr. Anderson's shoulder. The hand at his cheek moved up to brush some of Jian's hair back. Then it travelled back down. Mr. Anderson's thumb brushed the corner of Jian's lips and Jian's eyes fell shut. The thumb travelled along his lower lip, pressing down for a split-second, before it was taken away and replaced with lips.

Jian had never kissed anyone before today. He'd been curious, but didn't think he'd like it all that much. He was wrong. It was warm and his head was racing and he felt tightly-wound yet light. The hand on his neck tightened ever so slightly, pulling Jian a fraction closer. And then Mr. Anderson took Jian's bottom lip into his mouth and Jian couldn't help making a small noise at the hint of teeth. He felt Mr. Anderson smile at that and he pressed one last kiss against Jian's lips before pulling back slightly.

His nose brushed Jian's. "Okay?"

Jian opened his eyes again. He felt Mr. Anderson's breath on his lips. "Yeah."

Mr. Anderson exhaled quietly, eyes on Jian's lips. "Okay." He murmured, brushing Jian's nose once more. Then he moved away; straightened up and ran another hand through his hair.

Jian watched him and went right back to feeling dejected. He wasn't sure why. He wasn't sure about anything, it seemed.

He swallowed against the heart beating in his throat. "Mr. 'Nderson, I-"

"-Jesus, Jian- what-" he cut himself off with an almost bemused little laugh. "-please _don't_ call me that."

Jian swallowed again. "Y'want me t'--" He left the question hanging in the air and Mr. Anderson breathed out another laugh.

"-call me James." he finished for Jian. "Yes. I do."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek, finding a patch of concrete beside his right foot to stare at. He opened his mouth and his nerves surged, "James." was as far as he got.

Mr. A- _James_ simply waited for him to continue.

Jian closed his eyes momentarily; focusing, ordering his thoughts. Upon reopening them, he said, "I don't 'nderstand why--" already, he started to lose track of his sentence. He started again. "-I don't 'nderstand why y'said you want t' date me but then you--" He gestured lamely. "-say you didn't want this t' happen but you kiss me. 'N' then apologise-- then fuckin'-- do it again." He started getting frustrated and he wasn't sure by who or what. "Cos you said you _knew_ that I--" That he what? "-like you." He hated how juvenile he sounded. "So I-- what did you expect t' happen? I don't- I don't know what you mean. I don't..." He gave up, feeling tangled.

James breathed out. And then, "I'm sorry."

Jian felt his frustration spike. "You think that's what 'm lookin' f'r?" He flicked his eyes over to James's. "I don't-- want you t'-- I just want..." He trailed off helplessly, feeling stupid and confused.

James watched him for a moment. "Okay." He finally said. "I kissed you without thinking." He started. "That was my mistake-" Jian felt yet another flare of frustration and opened his mouth but James continued before he could argue. "-a mistake which conflicts with my... attraction to you." He said. "But Jian, try to see it from where I'm standing." He paused in order to run his eyes over Jian's face. "I'm double your age. That's not something to ignore." He sighed and glanced to the side. "I said I wanted to date you and that's true. I want to get to know you better; I want to spend time with you. But I shouldn't. It's not-- I'm married. I can't avoid that fact." He said. "But I didn't want to-- upset you. So I kissed you again. You-" He muttered what sounded like a cuss word. "-I want-- I understand that you feel like I'm messing with you, but I promise that's not my intention." He let out a short sigh. "I'm just conflicted. You have to understand that, right?"

Jian scuffed a shoe along a step. "I just think." He began. "'F I like you 'n' 'f you--" He paused, for some reason reluctant to say the next words. "-like me. I don't see the problem."

"Jian." James sighed gently. He looked at Jian, eyebrows drawn together ever so slightly. "You know I have a- I have a kid with my wife, right?"

Jian scowled and looked away, gut lurching.

"You don't see the problem with me cheating on her?"

Jian scowled even more. "I do." He muttered and now his eyes were beginning to feel hot and prickly. "Course I fuckin' do. But I also see the problem with a gay man being married to a fuckin' woman. 'N'- 'n' then you can't say you ain't messin' with me, when you say shit like that 'n' at the same time say you wanna fuckin' date me. I can't-- why didn't you just fuckin'-- shouldn't've done 'nythin' in the first place. I didn't expect nothin'. You didn't- you made this-- I-" He ran out of words. His eyes were actually welling up now and he felt fucking ridiculous.

James was silent beside him and Jian ran his tongue over the front of his teeth, trying to subtly blink away the wetness in his eyes. He wasn't quite successful and some spilt over, slipping slowly down his cheek. He wasn't sure if they were tears of sadness, frustration or just pure, utter confusion.

"Jian." James murmured and Jian was fucking sick of-- everything.

So he muttered, "Fuck off." and wiped his forearm roughly over his face, sniffing. "Wanna go home." He said bitterly, eyes on his feet.

James went quiet once more and Jian glared at his shoes.

"'M cold. Let me wait 'n the car 'f you're gonna stay out here." his eyes went watery again which just made him angry now. There was a lump in his throat and he felt tight and hot and achy. He could feel James beside him, their legs still being flush. It started to make him feel claustrophobic.

And then James closed the gap between them for a third fucking time.

He ducked down, catching Jian's lips even as they were turned away from him. Where it had been slow, soft and careful before, now it was hard and definitive. James moved both hands up to cup Jian's face, guiding him closer. His tongue pressed against the seam of Jian's lips and Jian's mind went blank. He opened.

A tongue in his mouth was not something he'd ever really wanted. The idea always repulsed more than intrigued him. But this wasn't-- what he imagined.

James's tongue was gentle, despite his firm grip on Jian's face. He touched it to Jian's lightly. Jian's head spun and he gasped at the sensation. James's cologne smelt so _good_ and this felt so _nice_. His eyes were still open and he wasn't sure if he should close them, but he was happy enough to hazily appreciate the shape of James's nose, his dark eyebrows and nice eyelashes. And then James opened his as well and Jian's heart stuttered. James's eyes were dark and intense and it was-- a bit much. Jian broke eye-contact by closing his eyes and he felt James smile, teeth lightly grazing his bottom lip. James's left hand slid to the back of Jian's head and he ran his fingers through the hair there, nails softly scratching. The noise Jian made this time was venturing into moan territory. James ran his tongue lightly over the roof of Jian's mouth before finding Jian's tongue and pressing against it again. James then shifted and took Jian's upper lip - just the cupid's bow - into his mouth and sucked gently. He kissed Jian once more and finally moved back a fraction.

"Go on a date with me." he said, looking Jian dead in the eye.

Jian swallowed. His breaths were coming out shaky and uneven and his head was still spinning. He still had questions, he was still confused, he was still- "Okay."

James moved down to press a last kiss to his lips. "Thank you."

* * *

The drive back was quiet. Not uneasily, but certainly not comfortably. The air was almost charged. Jian looked through the passenger window. In his mind, he named the colours of things as they passed, to help himself relax. A black motorbike. A pink sign. A yellow taxi. He felt restless and anxious but there was something else too. A green light. An orange traffic cone. Dissatisfaction, maybe. A blue billboard. Fuck if he knew. His emotions had always been messy and hard to define. He took his lower lip into his mouth, tongue tracing idly over it. Not unlike James had done.

It got darker and less colourful the closer they got to his flat. The strip of shops Jian was picked up at came into view.

"Up there's fine." Jian mumbled.

"It's late." James said instead of agreeing. "I'd feel more comfortable if you didn't have to walk back."

Jian's stomach jumped. Usually, he'd be insulted. He didn't like people worrying about him, it made him feel small. But somehow - and as he was getting used to - coming from James it just made him go hot. "Mn." He grunted, not trusting himself with words.

A minute or two later, his building came into view and Jian didn't know what would happen when he stepped out of the car. They hadn't discussed further what James had meant by date. How it would work, when it would happen.

James pulled smoothly into a park. There were a handful of flat lights on but Jian decided none of his neighbours were going to notice him exiting a strange man's car in the middle of the night. He unclipped his seatbelt, letting it snap back with a dull _clack_. He glanced over at James to find he was already watching Jian.

Jian couldn't read his expression. He looked back to his knees and swallowed. "'Kay." He muttered. "G'night."

James moved and Jian found gentle fingers under his chin, guiding him up into a kiss. "Good night." James said softly.

Jian blinked at him.

James's lips twitched as he moved back. "C'mon, get outta my car." He joked. "I'll text you, okay?"

Jian nearly smiled back, feeling warm. "Okay." He cracked open the passenger's and stepped out. He bent down before slamming it in order to mumble a very quick, "Thanks."

He got a quiet smile in response.

* * *

The lift had finally been fixed, Jian discovered. He hopped in and it creaked. He punched in his floor number and folded his arms while the doors sputtered shut. Then unfolded them. Slipped his hands into his jean pockets. Took them out. Began to pick at his nails. He was happy. In an odd, nerve-wracked sort of way.

His phone dinged as he closed the front door behind himself.

信息 现在

**267 535 0139**

I can’t do any of the coming weekends for various reasons

信息 现在

**267 535 0139**

But how about a weekday night? When you haven’t got your sports, I’ll take you somewhere nice

信息 现在

**267 535 0139**

Text me the date and time, I’ll make it work x

Jian smiled the whole time he idly slipped off his shoes and made his way to his room. He read them several times, eyes lingering each time on the simple _x_ at the end.

iMessage 信息

今天下午10:37

next tue after 5pm , next thur after 6pm

He then actually saved James as a contact, given it seemed relevant at this point.

iMessage 信息

今天下午10:39

Let’s go with Thursday. We can work out something more concrete later 

Sleep well x

Jian kept smiling right up until he climbed into bed.

* * *

12 o'clock Sunday saw him at his tiny desk, attempting progress on his essay. He hadn't made any, of course. He was vaguely worried James had broken his brain for good. He held the spacebar down and watched the dash skip across the screen. He let out a quiet sigh. Then his stomach filled with butterflies out of nowhere and he groaned, letting out a quick _fuck_ before taking a drink of tea, trying to drown them. They went quietly, for now. It had been happening throughout the day; random surges of nerves when he wasn't even thinking of anything, let alone James.

His phone dinged and the butterflies returned in a swarm. He bit out another cuss and reached for it.

信息 现在

**james**

Hey

Jian blinked.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:24

hey

His heart rate picked up.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:24

How's your day going?

Jian took his bottom lip into his mouth.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:24

studying

hamelt

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:24

Hamelt, love that play

By Shakesprea, right?

Jian felt himself smile.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

shut up

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

Don't be rude

How's it going? Making progress?

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

no

is hard

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

The word essay comes from an old French word meaning trial/attempt

So as long as you try, technically you’ve succeeded

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

trying isn't enoguh to pas

ur not my english teachr

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

Right, the one who told you to vomit on your page?

Jian snorted.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

contructive criticism

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

Uh huh

Hey, you said you liked sharks? You been to the aquarium?

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:25

ags ago

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

Wanna go on Thurs? They have a thing on penguins

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

a thing?

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

Yeah, an exhibition thing

Then I'll buy you dinner :)

Jian chewed his lip, poorly suppressing a smile.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

ok

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

Great

I have some work to finish off

Can I call you later?

Jian swallowed.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

ok

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:26

Ok, keep working hard

Talk soon x

He swallowed again, began tapping out a response, then deleted it and put his phone to the side.

Back to _Hamelt_ it was, then.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tilted his head to the side. "Do I get a kiss?" He asked.  
> 

"That's _not_ what I said." Benson told them.

Isaac just snorted and raised dubious eyebrows.

Leo shook his head, looking at Jian. "Then he started singing to her."

Jian couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of him.

Beside him, Desmond's laugh was more of a cackle.

Benson let out a whimper, rolling the basketball beneath his foot. "I didn't _mean_ to!"

Isaac leant back on the bench, tilting his head up. "You didn't mean to?" He repeated, amused and skeptical. "You practised the lyrics on me."

Benson sat straight up. "No!" He argued. "That is a bare-faced lie!"

Desmond was still cackling.

"What did she do?" Jian asked, smiling as he examined his worn-out trainers.

There was a second whimper from Benson, a gleeful noise from Isaac and a soft chuckle from Leo.

"She politely said no." Benson said, the very picture of melancholy. "Then pointed out that while I love to sing, nobody wants me to."

Jian snorted.

Desmond's cackling subsided somewhat. "Benny, why didn't you wait for me?"

"Because there were already plenty of people to witness my brutal murder." he mumbled.

"The writing was on the wall." Isaac said wisely then added, "That's an idiom."

"She told me I was funny!" Benson appealed. "No writing on any wall!"

"You can't read." Isaac muttered, just as Leo murmured, "Context."

Jian raised his eyebrows at him in question.

He smiled to himself, beginning to rummage through his bag. "She said," He pulled out a jersey. " _you're a funny guy_ -"

"-a most appreciated compliment-" Benson tried.

"-with an almost..." Leo hummed pensively and he tugged on his jersey. "disgusted look."

Benson scoffed in disagreement.

Isaac and Desmond dissolved into another bout of laughter.

Jian tried not to join in, biting his lip and looking to Benson. "Thought you were good at readin' people."

Benson wore a hurt look. "I am."

A hand dropped over Jian's shoulder as Desmond leant forward, eyes dancing. "Tough luck bud." Somehow, despite Desmond's entire body screaming amusement, the words still managed to have a comforting and sympathetic edge. "Let's go for pancakes, I'll shout."

"Want kebabs."

" _Pancakes_?"

Desmond ignored them and stood. "Chop chop kids."

Jian put his bag on and moved beside him. Desmond naturally slung his arm back over Jian's shoulder and Jian felt warm and happy.

As the others gathered their things and got moving, Desmond leant in close to Jian's ear and said in Chinese, " _Something good happen to you? You're so happy today_."

Jian looked up at him and a single, very tired butterfly fluttered across his stomach.

Desmond grinned, ready for whatever good news Jian had.

Jian shook his head. " _'St got all the achievements 'n_ Spyro." He said, which wasn't untrue. " _Hundred 'n' twenty percent._ "

Desmond let out a laugh and squeezed his shoulder. " _So talented._ "

Jian snorted and shoved him lightly as they started walking.

He wondered what Desmond would say about James and his smile dampened. Nothing good.

* * *

There was chewing and swallowing and the hollow clink of soup spoons against bowls. His mother smiled at him across their small dining table. He couldn't smile back, due to the risk of losing his mouthful.

She swallowed. " _How are your friends_?"

He swallowed. " _Fine_." He pushed a rice cake around his bowl. " _Good._ " He revised, not wanting to sound cold. They hadn't spoken properly for a few days.

" _What are they up to_?" she asked, scooping up a spoonful of soup and sipping.

" _Uh_." Jian wasn't sure what she was asking. " _Studyin', I guess_." He said, getting a spoonful of pork, rice cake and spring onion. " _Benson asked Maya Lewis out 'n Monday._ "

His mum made a noise of interest. " _Maya Lewis_?" She wriggled her eyebrows suggestively.

" _She said no_."

His mum clicked her tongue ruefully and got another mouthful of soup. " _Shame._ " She murmured. " _Do any of them have girlfriends_?"

" _No._ "

" _But they all want one_?"

Jian sighed and sat back a bit. " _I don't- we don't really talk about it. I guess._ "

" _You don't talk about it_?" she asked. " _Really_?"

Jian sighed again. " _Really_."

" _What do you talk about then_?"

Jian scooped up a piece of carrot. " _Dunno._ " He muttered. " _Everythin'_."

" _Except girls_."

He wasn't sure what she was getting at. " _Right_."

She hummed. " _Leo's not gay, is he_?" Her tone was carefully neutral.

Jian dropped his spoon and squinted at her. " _Mum, what the fuck_?"

She raised calm eyebrows. " _I'm just-_ _he_ could _be, y'know? I wouldn't be_ surprised _and I thought I'd mention it, since I know you'd feel uncomfortable being around that sort of person. You never know what he might try..._ "

Jian scowled and looked back to his soup, no longer hungry. " _No. None 'f them are._ " He muttered, taking up his spoon again.

" _That's a relief_." she mused. " _Of course, I have nothing_ against _homos._ " She continued diplomatically and Jian really wished she wouldn't. " _I just think they shouldn't mix with the rest of us. And they're so loud, y'know_?" She slurped some soup and Jian's gut twisted nastily. " _Always asking for more and more, when really, they already have more than they deserve._ " She sighed. " _They can even adopt and bring_ children _into it._ " She shook her head. " _It's not right; borderline abuse, really_."

Jian felt sick. He stared at his soup. There was only a bit left. Surely he could manage it. It'd be odd otherwise. " _Yeah_." He muttered, gathering a big spoonful and hoping not to be asked to elaborate.

He wasn't, thank god. His mother just hummed happily. " _Oh right_." She smiled. " _New episode of_ Supermodel Boss _tonight._ "

Jian swallowed. He had nothing to say to that. " _Mn._ "

* * *

He sat on the curb at the far end of the pool's car park. His screen was black and he scratched at the crack running across it. He wondered if his phone would shatter if he scratched hard enough, if he dug his nail into the crack deep enough.

James said he'd pick Jian up from the pool and Jian had agreed. He didn't feel as nervous as he'd thought he would. There were nerves but they were sluggish and muted. He'd been feeling numb since last night, actually. Numb with just a sprinkling of shame and disgust.

His mum had gone off on the gays before; the degeneration of society at their hands. Jian had gotten used to it. But last night had hurt more than in a while. He didn't know why.

He didn't even notice when James's car pulled up. Not until his phone lit up with a bright ding.

信息 现在

**james**

You look cute today

He looked up. James smiled ever so slightly from inside his car.

Jian got his stuff and moved over, pulling open the door and slumping onto the seat. He snapped the door shut and twisted to put his bag on the backseat. He could feel James watching him.

"Hey." he said, soft.

Jian glanced at him. He looked on the edge of concerned. He also looked effortlessly devastating; wearing olive trousers, a white button-up beneath a black sweater and some leather Oxfords. Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "'Lo."

James smiled again, just the edges of his lips. "Alright?"

Jian nodded. "Mn."

James tilted his head to the side. "Do I get a kiss?" He asked.

Jian scowled, stomach jumping. He glanced away, and then, ever so quickly, leant across to place the briefest of pecks to James's lips. His whole body burnt with embarrassment and he hoped that would fade in time.

James chuckled. "Thank you."

Jian ignored him, busying himself with his seatbelt.

James let out another little laugh, before reversing. "How was swimming?" He asked, rolling up to the car park's exit.

Jian leant his head back on the headrest, eyes slipping shut. He was very tired, he realised absently. "Okay." He mumbled, opening his eyes again. "Same 's always."

James hummed. "Your hair looks good when it's wet." He said casually.

Jian swallowed, moving his head forward. He didn't like compliments. They made him feel guilty and he never knew what to say. So he said nothing, eyes trailing a girl walking her Labrador instead.

James looked over at him, before his eyes were back on the road. He slowed for an orange light. "So, you wanna get dinner afterwards?" He asked.

"Mn." Jian sounded, eyes on the traffic lights.

"'Kay." James murmured. His hands slid down the steering wheel. "What do you fancy?"

Jian watched a white SUV cross in front of them. "What d'you?" He shot back when nothing came to mind.

James made a small noise as he thought, car edging forward in anticipation of a light change. "Kind of want fusion food." He said. "I know a nice Chinese-Malaysian place."

Jian could go for that. "'Kay." He said. "Sounds good."

"Okay." James smiled.

It was quiet for a bit, after that. Comfortable silence, which Jian was grateful for. He watched people and cars out his window and wondered about their lives; their problems, their triumphs, where they were going, who they were meeting. Sometimes, he found the vastness of the world lonely, other times - like tonight - he found it comforting. He wondered at the juxtaposition.

Buildings got smaller and less flashy as they neared the downtown aquarium. It was in an odd place between the city and suburbs, on the waterfront. Jian felt a slight shift in his mood as they turned onto the road running along the water. It was a little choppy today, boats swaying with the force of the waves. He loved water. He found it fascinating, the ocean especially. It had been the heart of life for an incomprehensible length of time. There was something about that constance across millennia that he found beautiful.

James clicked his tongue harshly and Jian was pulled from his reverie. He looked over to see James frowning in annoyance, eyes flicking to his rear-view every few seconds. He was about to ask what was wrong when James suddenly sped up a little, then hit the brakes briefly. Jian scowled, surprised, and turned to look behind them just in time to see a silver Mazda backing off.

James glanced at him. "Sorry." He smiled a little, eyes going back to the road ahead. "Tailgating pisses me off."

"Tailgatin'." Jian repeated quietly, not having heard the word before.

"He was right up my ass." James explained easily.

"Oh." Jian was familiar with that expression, thanks to Desmond.

The aquarium building came into view as they rounded a lengthy corner. It was a sleek building; big, long and uniquely decorated with blue circles Jian supposed were meant to be bubbles. The entrance looked not dissimilar to an arching whale, albeit more architecturally logical. As the sun had set by now, the building's lights were all shining brilliantly. A warm, yellow line which flowed across the building combined with smaller, blue lights sprinkled about to reflect softly on the largely vacant car park surrounding the building.

Indicators began to click as James slowed to turn in. There were only about three other cars parked, it being a weekday night. James drove around the empty park before pulling into a spot close to the entrance. Killing the engine, he looked over to Jian. "Okay?"

Jian nodded, feeling for his phone and wallet in his pockets. Finding both, he pushed his door open and stepped out, pulling his hood up while he waited for James. He subtly sniffed the edge of his hood as he did so, trying to gauge if he stunk of chlorine. Hopefully not.

The car cheeped as James locked it. Jian tucked his chin beneath the collar of his hoodie as he followed James toward the entrance. He walked slightly behind and watched James's hand. He wanted to hold it. He wondered if James would let him. Of course, Jian would never; he'd be very uncomfortable doing so in such a public area. Nonetheless, he wanted to.

Jian pushed down his hood and lifted his head as they came to the entrance. Shockingly, inside was decorated to look like the ocean. Jian thought it was nice. He didn't really recognise any of it; it had been a while since he'd visited and his memory had never been the best.

"Hi there! How are you tonight?"

Jian squinted at the girl behind the reception desk. Her voice was chipper. Artificially so. Beside him, James smiled. "Good thanks, and you?"

"I am very well! Thank you! What can I do for you? You have tickets already?"

James pulled his minimalist leather wallet from his back pocket. "Not yet. One adult, one student, thanks, and two for the penguin encounter."

"Two penguin passports? Sure thing!" the keyboard clacked as she typed something in. "We'll get an encounter set up for you - just head back here at five-to-seven." She then gestured to the eftpos machine in front of her on the desk. "Three hundred and eighteen, thanks!"

Jian swallowed, watching James tap his card against the pay-wave section. That was a lot of money. He stuffed his hands into his sweatpants pockets, one curling around his own worn wallet.

"Awesome!" the lady beamed as another machine began to print out the tickets. She handed them over. "Anything else I can do for you?"

James smiled. "Not today, thanks."

"Alright! Enjoy your night and thank you so much!"

James gave her a nod and smile.

He knocked Jian's shoulder lightly as he turned, "Bit enthusiastic." he murmured, so Jian was the only one to hear. 

Jian snorted, moving over to the entrance. "S'her job."

"Right." James drawled. "Bit of sincerity would be nice, though."

Jian quietly agreed.

The first room was empty of people, filled instead with many small, brightly coloured fish, swimming happily about the wall-to-wall, ceiling-to-floor tanks. There were a few information points around the large room and a long blue sofa in the middle. There was a map stand beside the entrance and James took one, unfolding it.

Jian watched a pink fish swerve to avoid a yellow one and swallowed. "James." He mumbled, dormant nerves suddenly rubbing sleep from their eyes.

James hummed, turning the map in his hands.

Jian clicked a knuckle in his pocket. "S'a lotta money." He said and hoped it wasn't too quiet that he was asked to repeat.

James looked away from the map, frowning lightly at Jian. "What is?"

Jian clenched his jaw. " _This_." He muttered, "Three hundred 'n'--" whatever it was. "-I don't-- want you t' pay f'r me." He managed, unsure of how he'd pay for himself, but preferring the idea at least.

James's frown deepened. "Jian," He said. "I _want_ to use my money for this."

Jian swallowed. "But it--" He didn't know how to explain the feeling in his gut. "-s'too much."

"You want to pay for yourself?" James asked, gentle despite the frown he still wore.

Jian nodded.

James's brows twitched. "You have a hundred and sixty dollars spare?"

Jian's gut twisted. He nodded again.

James just raised flat eyebrows. "Uh huh." He sighed and shook his head. "Let's do this: next time, you buy me coffee."

Jian scowled. " _Coffee_?"

James offered a smile. "I love coffee."

Jian continued to scowl but said nothing more, moving across the room in order to read about Mandarin fish. He heard a quiet sigh from behind him and felt angry with himself. He'd already managed to fuck up and they only just got here.

He felt James come to stand beside him. "We have about half an hour before the penguin thing." He said. "And that takes a full hour, so maybe we go to the bits you wanna see most, because we'll probably leave afterwards."

Jian nodded, eyes fixed on the information point, but struggling to concentrate enough to read. "'Kay."

"So," James prodded. "I'm guessing you wanna do the shark tunnel. What else?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and looked up, deciding to stop feeling sorry for himself. He peered at the map James held and found it a bit confusing. "Wanna go t' the-- play zone." He read. "T' see the splash table."

James laughed. "Do you now?"

"Turtle rescue centre." Jian said, joking aside. "'N' jellyfish room."

"Alright." James smiled and folded the map back up. "Sorry we have to rush." He let out a small breath of laughter as they began toward the next room. "Maybe we shoulda gone somewhere else on a Thursday night."

"I don't mind." Jian told him because he didn't.

James smiled and bumped his shoulder softly.

Jian eyed his timeworn trainers, mood beginning to climb once more.

The jellyfish room was first and Jian, it was safe to say, loved it. It was dark, obviously, but the various tanks were lit up and some jellyfish even glowed. Jian stopped before the tank holding, among other things, a black sea nettle and just watched it move; like some kind of weird mushroom. James wandered about around him, before coming to rest his chin on top of Jian's head, arms slipping round Jian's waist, idly commenting _woah, pretty_. Jian, on the other hand, was far from idle. He went tense at the contact and his chest pulled tight.

Then James pushed it even fucking further and pressed a very light kiss to the top of Jian's head, stepping back. "Turtle time?"

Jian wanted to die. He swallowed. Scuffed a shoe. Walked with James further into the aquarium and didn't speak.

Turtle time was nice. The turtles were very cute, some big, some small, all rescues on their way to good recoveries. They were in the tank with various rays and a few species of fish too and Jian enjoyed looking at the rays' bellies, where their mouths were. They looked like smiling children.

The shark tunnel was next and if they weren't running out of time, Jian would happily spend hours in it. He couldn't help the quiet laugh that slipped out as a hammerhead passed directly overhead, soon followed by a huge, sluggish ray. He could feel James watching him but for the first time was actually too preoccupied to feel self-conscious.

They made their way back to the reception after that, James telling him what the penguin exhibition actually was. Turned out, Jian was about to be physically inside the penguin enclosure. He struggled to interpret this.

That was, until he was being handed a snow jacket and following two chattering biologists to the colony.

The enclosure was big, cold and smelt like fish. Ice and snow were all around, upon which waddled a number of King penguins. The biologists continued to fire facts and anecdotes at Jian and James but Jian was starting to forget to listen as a smaller penguin started making its way curiously toward them. The biologists led them to the centre of the enclosure, allowing them to sit (Jian) or stand (James) as they continued their educating, many penguins now taking an interest. Jian was vaguely aware of James asking a question and some laughter and further conversation, but his main focus was on a chubby bird seemingly intent on crawling into his lap.

He looked, a little helplessly, to the biologists for guidance.

The lady chuckled, "You can let him." she reassured him. "Just let him do what he wants, try not to touch too much though. Hold on." She shot him a quick smile before crossing to a bucket at the side of the enclosure. Upon returning, she held a few dog toys. "You can play with them." She offered him a rope toy.

Jian blinked, before hesitantly taking it. He glanced to a grinning James and then to his new friend. He offered it the toy, slowly. It nudged it a few times, as the biologists resumed talking and then nibbled and tugged at it. Jian couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.

Although apparently running for an hour, Jian was certain it hadn't been that long when they began to leave. James thanked the biologists as they returned their snow coats and Jian felt a little out of it. Almost like it never even happened. They'd been allowed to take photos, though, and he pulled out his phone as he absently followed James back to reception.

James had taken various pictures with Jian's phone, most of which included Jian playing with the penguins. There was one that looked like he was getting a kiss on the cheek from one of the younger birds and Jian smiled at it. Swiping, he found the last picture was a selfie; James smiling at the camera as Jian sat behind him, laughing as he played tug-o-war with one of the penguins. Jian quietly favourited the photo, before locking his phone and slipping it away.

The lady at reception automatically straightened as she spotted them. "Hi there! Enjoy your visit?"

James chuckled softly. "Sure. Thanks."

"Of course!" her voice was an unpleasant pitch. "Have a good night!"

"You too."

"Have fun?" James asked Jian as they hopped back into his car.

Jian shot him a look. "No." He said. "Fuckin' worst time 'f m' life."

James laughed and Jian felt a quiet sense of pride at causing such a noise. James clipped his seatbelt on. "Pretty cool, huh?"

Jian buckled his own seatbelt. "Mn." He sounded behind a smile.

James paused, keys in the ignition switch. "You should smile more." He murmured, looking away and starting the engine. "You look beautiful when you smile."

Jian felt himself go hot. He looked out the window as James reversed smoothly. "Cliche." He muttered.

"Cynical." James shot back, straightening his car up. "You don't like compliments, huh?"

"No."

James sighed, but there was a laugh underneath. "'Kay, well," He pulled out of the car park. "you might have to get used to them."

Jian didn't have a reply, simply watched how the street lights reflected on the wet concrete and felt a tight, buzzing warmth fill his stomach.

* * *

They ate inside James's car because it had started to rain again. They were parked before a small field in front of the downtown end of the waterfront. The heating quietly hummed in the background as rain pattered against the car. It was nice. James got Szechuan beef while Jian got wonton and egg drop soup, because it was warm and comforting.

James nodded to Jian's soup in its large plastic cup. "Looks like ribbons."

Jian swallowed his mouthful of wonton. "'N Chinese s'called egg flower soup." He told him. "Dan hua tang."

"Huh." James smiled. "I like that."

Jian snorted, shaking his head. "Wanna try?" He held out his cup.

"Sure." James accepted, placing his takeout box on the dashboard and taking the cup.

"Some people think it's kinda gross." Jian said, watching him take a sip.

James swallowed. "Why?" He took another sip before handing it back to Jian. "It's good."

Jian shrugged. "The egg, maybe."

James hummed, retrieving his beef.

He looked at the dark view outside the car. "You had a good time?"

Jian felt himself frown. "'M _havin'_ a good time." He mumbled because he didn't like the implication that this was over.

James smiled, moving chopsticks through his food. "Good." He ate some more before saying, "I'm glad you're feeling better."

Jian swallowed his current mouthful, stomach moving strangely. "D'you mean?"

James glanced at him. "When I picked you up," He began, picking out a piece of carrot and crunching on it. "you weren't feeling great, right?"

Jian broke eye-contact and drank his soup.

"I wanted to ask." James continued. "But I figured you didn't want me to."

The rain got heavier suddenly. Jian looked into his half-empty cup. He swallowed. "Y'ever..." He started and didn't know how to finish. "d'you ever feel-- disgustin'?"

"Disgusting." James repeated slowly. "This about being gay?"

Jian swallowed again. Nodded.

James sighed quietly. "Used to." He said, this time picking out a piece of green pepper.

Jian resumed consuming his soup. "Not 'nymore?"

"Not anymore." James confirmed. "But I find it difficult in other ways."

Jian hesitated. "Your--" He frowned. "-wife."

James hummed in affirmation. "And my kid. My entire family, actually." He tilted his head. "I'm not out to anyone."

Jian stared into his soup.

"I wouldn't have been this successful this early if I was." James told him. "I wouldn't live so comfortably. I had a choice between honesty and conventional prosperity."

"You regret 'nythin'?"

James sighed and caught his eye, the tips of his lips were pulled upward. "Everybody regrets something." He ran his eyes over Jian's face for a moment. "But I think I'm happy."

Jian looked away, gut churning.

"Did something happen?" James asked him. "To make you feel like that?"

"Not really." Jian muttered. "M' mum likes t' rant 'bout the gays ev'ry now 'n' then. 'S all."

James chuckled and it came out dry. "Did she say?" He asked, taking a mouthful.

Jian didn't even remember it very well. "Dunno." He watched rain hit the windscreen. "She asked 'f one 'f m' friends was gay cos she knew I'd be - quote, 'nquote - 'ncomfortable spendin' time with someone like that."

James laughed again and it came out far more genuine.

Jian, too, could find some humour in it now. "'N' she said some old shit 'bout it bein' disgustin'. Dunno why it--" He dropped his eyes from the windscreen. "-but it made m' feel worse than..." He trailed off, unsure.

"That's probably my fault." James mused, finishing up the last of his dinner.

Jian squinted at him, confused, and James let out another quiet laugh.

"I mean," he dropped his chopsticks inside his takeout box and put it on the dashboard. "I remember the first time I did anything with another guy, I felt guiltier than usual. I was more sensitive."

It made sense. Jian took a sip of his soup, something small inside him feeling stupid at having missed such an obvious answer.

"Do you feel like that when you're with me?" James asked him. "Feel guilty or dirty?"

Jian looked at his soup. That was an oddly big question. "Feel a lotta things when 'm with you." He settled on mumbling.

"Like?" James pushed.

Jian swallowed. "Nervous." The obvious one. "Happy." The cheesy one. "Confused." The beginning to get complicated one. "Sometimes angry 'n' guilty 'n' 'mbarrassed 'n' stupid." He bit his lip lightly before adding, "'N' yeah. Feel dirty sometimes. But that ain't 'bout you."

James was quiet and Jian began to wish he hadn't been so honest. And then, "Jian, you--" there was a small exhale. "-baby, look at me?"

Jian, honest to god, nearly spilled his soup all over James's expensive car. He went hot all over and reluctantly met James's eyes, hoping - with little optimism - he couldn't tell how affected Jian was by that one little word.

"Talk me through some of that." James said softly. "I don't want you to- why do you feel angry?"

Jian swallowed and his throat clicked. "I ain't good with emotions." He warned.

James just continued to look at him. "Try?"

Jian drank some soup. He wasn't sure where to start. "Angry cos 'm--" He absently realised all of these were _him_ problems, not James problems. "-s'fine. S'my fault 'nyway."

"Jian." James said. Simple but firm.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. He tried to make sense of his thoughts. "Angry cos 'm so affected by even the tiny fuckin' things you do." He said. "'N' angry cos 'm such a fuck up in these situations 'nyway." He watched James frown and hurried to continue so he didn't have to listen to _that's not true_. "'Mbarrassed cos 'm so transparent, apparently. Guilty cos this is all wrong. Stupid cos, next t' you, 'm a fuckin' child 'n' I don't 'nderstand why the fuck you'd choose t' spend time with me. I ain't got 'nythin' worth your time." He forgot what else he'd even listed. _Confused_. "Confused cos I don't 'nderstand feelin' angry 'n' happy within a fuckin' split-second 'f each other." He thought that was everything now and wanted to tell James to stop looking at him like that.

Apparently not. "And dirty?" James asked and Jian was unable to place his tone.

Jian felt a muscle jump in his jaw. He didn't want to explain that one. "I don't-- like--" This was all so hard. "-I don't like the way I think 'f you."

James let out a gentle sigh.

Jian finished his soup off.

"Jian, do you know what it says about you that I'm here right now?" James asked him after a heavy minute of silence.

Jian listened to the rain fall. "No."

"It says you're special." James told him and Jian scowled. "I know you probably hate hearing that." James paused. "I don't know how to make you stop feeling what you don't like feeling. I can only be honest and hope you believe me."

Jian flicked his eyes up to him. His voice was a little too sincere for Jian's liking. His expression, too.

"I like it." James said. "I like that I make you nervous." He expanded. "I don't want you to be this nervous forever. But I enjoy seeing that I have an effect." He glanced to the side. "That might sound messed up." He said, looking back. "I find it cute." His face softened a fraction. "I find it cute when your ears turn pink and when you struggle with where to put your eyes. I find it," He wet his bottom lip. "I find it attractive the way you bite your lip and the way your throat bobs when you swallow."

Jian was having a hard time keeping up.

"But I want you to feel comfortable around me." James continued. "You'll feel less nervous the more we get to know each other."

Jian's nerves spiked.

"Similarly, I find your transparency endearing. I don't like it when I can't read people, and I find you easy to read." James told him. "That makes things much simpler for me." His eyes ran over Jian's face before he continued. "I don't like you feeling guilty. I don't want you feeling guilty about what _I'm_ doing:" He paused for a second. "cheating on my wife. That's not your problem. And if you're guilty because we're both men, you need to realise that's not a bad thing. It's a natural thing. You feeling stupid," He said and his brows drew together slightly. "upsets me. I get that you're... insecure about our age gap. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't find you worthwhile. I've done one-night stands and that's not what I want at this point. I want a partner, Jian."

Jian wanted to become invisible.

"I think we're on the same wavelength. I think you've got everything worth my time."

Jian wanted to puke.

"I don't want you to feel confused, either." James said. "I can understand you feeling confused about your own feelings, but I don't want you to be confused over mine: I like you. That's not going away anytime soon."

Jian wanted to shoot himself in the face.

"Jian, if you need something, you have to tell me." James said. "I don't want you to feel trapped, but I can't read your mind."

"I don't feel trapped." Jian managed.

James's face softened once more. "Okay." He murmured. "How do you..." His head tilted minutely. "how do you think of me that you don't like?"

Jian swallowed thickly and immediately regretted it in light of James's previous comments. He felt the tips of his ears burn and hated it. He didn't think he was going to be able to answer. "I had--" He stopped. He looked at James's empty takeout container. "-I have--" Bizarrely, Desmond popped into his head and Jian wondered how Desmond would explain himself in this situation. He'd be direct and honest, easily so. Jian wondered where he learnt to do that. "-dreams." He muttered, a faint nausea poking its head out again. "'F you." He clarified lamely, as if it wasn't clear enough.

James was quiet.

Jian began to curse every god he'd ever heard of and risked a glance at him.

His eyes were intense and fixed on Jian. Jian couldn't read the subtleties past that.

Finally, he let out a quiet breath and asked, "What kind of dreams?"

Jian felt shame twist in his gut. "You know." He muttered in place of a proper answer.

James continued to watch him. "Wet dreams?"

The shame twisted into knots. He swallowed, unsure what to even say anymore.

"What do I do?" James asked. "In the dreams."

Jian wanted to die, wanted to be resurrected in order to die again. "You." Seemed liked a good place to start, "Fuck me." and a good place to finish.

James let out a breath of laughter and it was amused, but there was something else, something Jian hadn't heard before. "Sparing no detail, I see." James murmured. He resumed watching Jian and Jian prayed he wouldn't ask for said details. Thankfully, he didn't. He asked a different question: "Can I kiss you?"

Jian swallowed. Nodded.

It was soft. James's lips were so soft and everything went quiet. A hand came to rest at the crook of Jian's neck and tugged him closer. It was uncomfortable, in the car, but Jian hardly noticed. James pulled away briefly and Jian was about to complain when a kiss was placed to the corner of his lips, trailed along his jaw, to the skin beneath his ear. He made a very small noise at that, because it was sensitive - more so due to James's neat beard - and no one had touched him there before. He felt James smile at the noise and then he continued to litter kisses across Jian's skin. He paused to nose against Jian's neck and Jian moved his head back, granting him freer access. James pressed a wet kiss to Jian's Adam's apple and Jian made a slightly louder noise, biting his lip in a weak attempt to stifle it. And then there were teeth, gently grazing and Jian was worried he'd draw blood from his lip with how hard he bit down.

James moved back up after that, back to Jian's mouth, and kissed him harder, deeper and Jian struggled to keep up. He moved a hand, wanting to touch James but not knowing how. He settled on tugging weakly at the hem of his sweater. Jian could smell his cologne, his shampoo and something else that was just... _him_. It was dizzying. James's tongue inside Jian's mouth was gentle yet demanding and Jian wanted, impossibly, to get closer.

One hand returned to his neck, while the other came up to his chest before slowly sliding down. There was a nip of teeth and the hand rested at Jian's waist. Jian's own hand fisted in James's sweater. The hand at his waist moved; snaking under his hoodie and then his shirt. It burnt where it touched his stomach and he let out a tiny gasp against James's mouth. It continued to move, smoothly shifting upward, until it stopped at Jian's chest. Jian had only a second to catch his breath before he lost it again. James pinched his nipple and Jian honest to god _moaned_. Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, panic began to thrum because he wasn't sure how to do more than this.

Maybe he went stiff, or James could otherwise tell, because the hand dropped away and he pulled back. Not far, but enough that Jian felt disappointed.

He blinked his eyes open, almost blearily.

James pressed a kiss to his temple. "You're very sexy, Jian." He murmured and there was a slight teasing lilt to his voice.

Despite feeling disconnected from the very fabric of reality, Jian managed a tiny laugh. "Fuck off."

James sighed lightly, kissing the top of Jian's cheekbone. "Why d'you have to speak like that, hm?"

Jian felt his breath fan across his cheek. He tried to focus. "Huh?"

James moved back a little. His eyes were on Jian's lips as he answered. "Fuck this and fuck that." He clarified.

Jian swallowed; James hardly swore and the words sounded odd falling from his mouth. "Dunno." He mumbled. "Helps me say what I mean."

James hummed dubiously. "Don't like hearing such dirty words." He said and his eyes were still on Jian's lips. Jian wondered what could be so interesting about them. "'Specially not from such a pretty mouth."

Jian would usually cringe. But he was feeling a bit too affected. He distractedly took his bottom lip into his mouth, wetting it.

James clicked his tongue and ducked down to press a few more hot kisses against him. "Fucking tease." He murmured, moving back properly.

"Thought you didn't like them dirty words." Jian mumbled, in order to mask his rapidly beating heart.

James chuckled. "Yeah, but _I'm_ allowed to use them." He said. "They help me say what I mean."

Jian scoffed and shot him an unamused look.

James laughed, looking out the windscreen. Jian watched his laughter subside and his smile fade soon after. He then watched James frown lightly. "Hey." James looked back at him. "I'm sorry, I think I crossed a line."

Jian was confused.

"Touching you like that." James said. "I mean, your chest." He clarified and Jian felt himself burn with embarrassment. "You went pretty tense."

Jian swallowed and broke eye-contact. "Sorry."

"That's okay." James told him. "I got a bit ahead of myself, that's all."

"'Kay." Jian didn't know what he was meant to say. He didn't want to admit that, while there had been a sense of alarm, it had been far outweighed by how good it felt.

"Okay." James repeated. He reached forward to turn the heating down. "Home?"

Jian's gut dropped. But he knew they couldn't stay here forever. "Mn."

James leant over to give him a peck on the cheek, before sitting back and starting the engine. "I didn't mean to ruin the mood." He put his hand on the back of Jian's headrest as he reversed.

Jian felt faintly amused. "You didn't ruin 'nythin'."

James exhaled and it sounded almost fond. "You're killing me baby." He said under his breath as they pulled onto the road.

Jian wasn't sure exactly what he meant, but he liked the pet name so didn't ask.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desmond pinched him lightly and Jian flinched. " _Recently you've been... broody._ " Desmond told him, before patting his leg and finally letting his hands still. " _If you need to talk, I am one giant ear._ "

"Real cute, Nangong." his English teacher drawled, sliding a paper with an angry _F_ onto his desk.

He almost flipped her off before thinking better of it and reading the insightful comment at the top of his page: _Not good!! Very bad!!!_

He recalled his first few sentences and refused to believe she had a point.

_I chose J. R. R. Tolkien for my biography report because Mrs. Farlow said that if I didn't take this class seriously, I might as well not show up. Mr. Tolkien was 40 feet tall and was born from stardust, before time began. The people sing songs of his adventures._

At least Desmond enjoyed reading it.

* * *

"Eastlake?" Isaac asked, sticking his head forward between the two front seats. "Thought it was at Miremore this week."

"Nah." Desmond said, eyes on the road. "Nah, it's Eastlake. Chase texted me."

"Chase isn't a reliable source of information." Benson said.

"Can we stop at Mickey D's?" Isaac asked.

Jian smiled out the passenger window.

Desmond snorted. "Chase is literally the organiser." He said. "And no. You had a massive lunch, you can't still be hungry."

"I'm a growing boy." Isaac said, slinking back. "But fine. If you want to see me starve."

Jian laughed and Desmond made an unimpressed sound.

Their game was against Edgewater High tonight, hosted by Eastlake. They hadn't met in the social league before but they'd seen each other play. Edgewater's main advantage was height and Isaac had been vocal all week about his confidence in winning. Jian was confident too, but preferred to keep quiet about it.

* * *

They did win. 79 to 75.

Jian's phone rang as he tugged a sweatshirt over his head in the locker rooms.

Benson winked at him. "Mr. Popular."

Jian smoothed out his sweatshirt and ignored him, reaching for his phone. It was James and he suddenly felt anxious. He declined and stuffed it in his pocket, zipping his bag up.

"Mr. Too-Busy-To-Talk." Benson modified, curious.

Jian shook his head. "S'm' mum." He muttered. He slung his bag on and stepped back. The others were always much slower than him at changing. "'M gonna wait outside." He told them, watching Desmond frown lightly and hoping it didn't seem strange. "'N' call her back."

"Private business." Isaac nodded sagely.

Jian just headed out of the locker room.

He had been to Eastlake a few times, all involving basketball, but he still wasn't familiar with the campus. Nonetheless, he found his way well enough to the car park, spotting Desmond's ugly Chevy. He went to the bathrooms nearby.

They were empty and smelt strongly of urine, as one would expect. The urinals were more yellow than white and he wrinkled his nose, moving over to one of the three stalls on the other side of the room. He took the one on the end and locked it, before leaning on the door, letting his bag drop and pulling out his phone.

It rang four times before James picked up. "Hey."

Jian could hear the smile in his voice. He tried not to smile himself. "Why'd you call?"

"Do I need a reason?"

Jian didn't know.

"Was it a bad time?" James wondered. "Where are you?"

"'N some shitty toilets." Jian muttered. "S'fuckin' disgustin' 'n here."

"Jian. C'mon."

"C'mon what?" Jian squinted at the wall opposite him, before remembering. "Oh. Sorry." 

James sighed softly. "You swear so much; every other word."

"Sorry." Jian repeated, gnawing on his lip. "Just comes out."

"It's fine." James said. "I only called because I wanted to talk to you."

Jian nodded to no one. "'Bout what?"

There was a quiet laugh. "Nothing in particular."

Jian's stomach did a funny little dance. "Oh."

"How was your day?"

Jian looked at his trainers. "Fine." He started inspecting his nails. "Just won a basketball game."

"Yeah?"

"Mn." he nibbled at his thumb nail. "Seventy-nine t' seventy-five."

"Nice." James complimented. "Have fun?"

"Mn." Jian nodded. He chewed his nail a moment longer. "S'your day?" He finally asked back.

James sighed. "I still have a couple of things to finish off. But it's been okay." He said. "Been thinking of you."

Jian's stomach twisted. "Don't do that." He muttered, then spat out a piece of nail.

James laughed. "Are you-- eating something?"

Jian dropped his hand and tucked it in his pocket, removing temptation. "S’chewin' m' nails."

"Right." James hummed. Then added, "Gross."

Jian snorted. "S'not gross."

"It is."

Jian shook his head, biting his cheek to hold back a smile.

"I'm not sure when I can see you next." James said after a while and Jian's stomach sank.

"'Kay." he aimed at sounding unbothered and couldn't tell whether or not he achieved it.

"But you're okay with me calling you?" James asked. "Should I text beforehand?"

That would be a good idea. "Mn." Jian scuffed a shoe.

" _Mn_." James mocked lightly. "Speak properly baby."

Jian let out a breath; half-exasperated, half-flustered. "Yeah. Text b'fore you call. M' friends're nosy."

"Alright." there was a shuffling in the background; the stacking of papers, maybe. "What times are usually okay for me to call?"

Jian spotted some messy graffiti on the stall wall and squinted at it. "Maybe 'fter six." He said, not able to make anything out so moving over. "'M usually home by then." The letters danced about and he concentrated; _Alex Pates is a filthy faggot._ He scowled, something sharp and splintery stabbing across his gut.

"Six." James said. "Okay, easy."

"What's not sure mean?" Jian suddenly asked.

James paused. "What does what mean?"

Jian chewed his bottom lip for a second. "Y'said you're not sure when we can see each other. What--" He lifted a hand and absently scratched over the graffiti. It was in vivid. "-how long's that?"

James sighed, patient. "I don't know, baby." He said. "Three weeks, maybe."

"Three weeks." Jian repeated.

"That okay?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. Even if it wasn't, there wasn't much to do about it. "S'fine." He moved back. "I need t' go." He said, reaching for his bag. "M' friends're waitin'."

"Oh." James sounded and Jian wasn't sure where to place the tone. "Sure."

Jian nodded at the floor, despite the fact James couldn't see him.

"Talk later then."

"'Kay." Jian hung up after that, hoping it wasn't too abrupt but feeling a bit too disappointed to care.

* * *

They went to Nando's, sitting at a table in the corner and pissing off the staff by being too rowdy. Isaac, Benson and Desmond, that was. Leo and Jian quietly watched. Leo was entertained and Jian was thinking. He was thinking about James, predictable as it was.

He was thinking about the fact James had a wife and child. He was thinking about their 17 year age gap. He was thinking that they couldn't even get together regularly. He was thinking about how James had said he liked him, but that didn't even make sense now Jian was properly considering it. Liked what? They barely knew each other and Jian hardly had anything to offer.

He took a chip from the food they were sharing in the middle of the table and munched it. Benson fell off his chair.

He wondered what James's wife looked like. She was probably very pretty. She was probably very in love with James; very happy in the domestic bubble they'd created together. And she didn't know. Guilt snaked through Jian's gut and he took another chip. She didn't know some stupid high-schooler was trying to fuck her husband and she didn't know her husband was doing little to discourage said stupid high-schooler.

Jian lied, sure. He lied all the time. But he hated dishonesty. He hated when it hurt other people. He was aware he was a hypocrite.

He was literally inches away from failing the entire school year, despite the freely offered help of his friends. The only reason the school wasn't stricter on him was that he convincingly contributed to the school's sporting success. Their school was renowned for its high athletic achievements and Principal Garmon was nothing if not a sucker for a shiny public image.

Maybe James found Jian pretty, maybe he found Jian interesting, but for how long? How long would it take him to realise Jian was just some dense, insignificant, fucked up kid? Maybe James _did_ like Jian but it wouldn't fucking last, despite what he'd said last night.

Jian glared at the chip in his hand and thought of James's Mercedes Benz and his iPhone pro-whatever and his pristine fucking suits. He thought about 300 dollars being mindlessly spent on a night together. He didn't understand it and he _didn't understand_ why it made something inside him feel low and cheap.

His friends had started singing along with the background music and they sounded horrible, neatly matching Jian's mood.

A half-eaten wrap was shoved under his nose and he blinked at it.

"Eat more than chips bro." Benson told him, shaking the wrap for emphasis.

Jian wasn't hungry. But he gave Benson a faint smile and accepted it.

It had no more meat inside, he found upon closer inspection. And hesitantly biting into it, he discovered Benson had drowned it in hot sauce, as was his way. Still, Jian swallowed and took a second bite. There was a very feeble warmth in his chest and he understood it. He understood Benson's unthinking (albeit rather strange) kindness; Jian was of true, long-term value to Benson.

What long-term value did Jian have to James?

* * *

He was on Desmond's brown couch, Saturday night. His legs were thrown over Desmond's as he leant on the arm of the sofa. Desmond was poking his shins absently with chopsticks, eyes on the TV. Jian was about to kick him and tell him to stop the abuse when his phone dinged. He dug a hand between his waist and the back of the sofa in order to fish it out from under him.

Desmond gave him a particularly hard jab, along with a small cackle.

Jian shoved him. " _Stop._ "

Desmond poked him one last time before leaning forward to rest the chopsticks over his empty bowl. " _Wimp_."

Jian ignored him and switched his focus to his phone.

信息  现在

**james**

Hey, am I ok to call you?

Jian's stomach turned. He cleared the notification and dropped his phone on his chest, looking back at the TV. They were watching old reruns of _Robot Wars_.

His phone let out another ding as the screen showed Axe-Awe's stats. He ignored it for a moment before relenting.

信息  现在

**james**

I have some good news :)

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. Then swiped to open their log.

iMessage 信息

今天下午6:44

cant. busy

He then flicked his phone on silent and dropped it back between him and the sofa.

Desmond glanced at him, then back to the TV. He rested his hands back on Jian's legs, where he was previously stabbing him, and rubbed gently. " _You okay_?"

Jian watched the TV switch to Wheely Big Cheese's stats. " _'M fine._ "

Desmond pinched him lightly and Jian flinched. " _Recently you've been... broody_." Desmond told him, before patting his leg and finally letting his hands still. " _If you need to talk, I am one giant ear._ "

Jian wrinkled his nose. " _Don't wanna talk t' a giant ear, thanks._ "

Desmond laughed. " _Mm, yeah. Sounded better in my head._ "

" _Did it_?" Jian felt the tips of his lips begin to curl upward. " _Doubt it sounds okay 'nywhere._ "

" _Ouch._ " Desmond laughed again. " _But really, Jian, you know I'm here._ "

Jian nodded, watching Wheely Big Cheese toss Axe-Awe into the air, convincingly winning the battle. " _I know_."

Desmond squeezed his leg.

" _Stop fuckin' gropin' m' legs you goddamn pervert._ " Jian jostled, trying to get away from Desmond's hands.

Desmond burst into laughter. " _It's soothing_!" He insisted.

" _It's really not, creep_."

" _You wound me_."

" _Good._ "

* * *

信息 下午6:44

**james**

Ok, text me when you're not x

信息 下午7:17

**james**

Still busy?

信息 下午7:59

**james**

Don't ignore me, please

* * *

He'd just submitted his assignment for economics that was due at least a week ago. He clicked out of his email and tried to decide whether or not to take his productivity a step further and start his biology homework.

Upon opening his workbook, however, he promptly closed it and instead went on a snack hunt.

His mum was playing _Candy Crush Saga_ on the sofa while some Chinese game show played on telly. Jian swung on the pantry door, eyeing the contents and finding no inspiration. He could go for some noodles, he supposed, and reached for some spicy chicken ones. He flicked the kettle on and returned to his room while he waited.

His phone was beside his pillow and he looked at it. It frustrated him how many emotions he'd been feeling recently. None of them very positive. He moved over and unlocked it. It opened to his and James's message log. He stared at the screen for a moment, before chewing his lip and attempting some sort of response.

iMessage 信息

今天上午11:23

sorry

He didn't know if that was right. So added:

iMessage 信息

今天上午11:23

not ignore u

He moved to lock it when his phone started vibrating and James's caller ID filled the screen. Jian didn't want to accept it and he didn't even know why.

"Hi." he mumbled, making his way to his bed and sitting so he faced the window.

"Hey." James replied. "How are you?"

Jian didn't understand his tone. It was friendly and casual, but there was something else, too. "Fine. You?"

"Fine." there was a brief pause. "What were you doing last night?"

Jian scuffed his sock on his old carpet. "With a friend."

"Okay."

Jian chewed his lip, waiting for more.

"Why didn't you reply?" came after a moment.

Jian scowled, eyes on his stripy socks. "Just did."

"Last night. You can't have been busy the entire time."

Jian swallowed. He thought James was annoyed with him and didn't know what to say. "Didn't-" He stood up and moved to his window in order to straighten his curtains. "-feel like it."

"Why not?" James's tone was so carefully neutral and Jian hated it.

He clenched his jaw, idly tugging on the edge of his curtain. "Don't know." He pushed it to the side and smoothed it out. "Just..." He didn't finish, watching some kids play on the street below instead.

There was a sigh. "Okay." James murmured. "Okay, anyway." His tone shifted away from the unfamiliar. "The reason I wanted to talk last night was to tell you we can meet next weekend."

Jian scratched at a patch of paint on the windowsill. "Thought you couldn't f'r a while."

"Yeah, so did I." James responded. "But my wife's going on a trip with some friends and her parents will be able to take Liam."

Jian swallowed. Liam. James's son.

James exhaled. "Jian?"

"Oh." a fleck of paint got under Jian's nail and he flinched back, scowling. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" James repeated, tone becoming hard to read again. "Baby, you don't seem happy."

"I'm-" Jian returned to his bed and lay on his back, gut knotting. "-just tired."

James didn't reply to that and Jian bit the inside of his cheek.

"Next weekend's good." he tried, starting to feel guilty now. "What-- d'you wanna do?"

James sighed. "I don't know, we can talk about it later. Listen, I better go."

And disappointment joined the mix. "'Kay." Jian muttered, eyes on the yellowish ceiling. "Bye."

"I'll text you." James told him, before giving a quick, "Bye." and hanging up.

Jian let his phone drop beside his head and continued staring at the ceiling.

Then he remembered noodles.

* * *

He went out after he ate. Just by himself, with no end-goal. He found himself at the sports field 20 minutes from his flat. There was a chunky chocolate lab, lying happily on the edge of the field as its owner worked out. Jian sat on a bench and felt sorry for himself.

He watched a bird flutter over the park and decided to simply not feel anything. Easier said than done, he thought, leaning back in order to watch clouds drift about above him.

An unknown amount of time passed before a sharp ding pulled him from his preoccupation.

信息 现在

**妈妈 ❤️**

你什么时候回家?

信息 现在

**妈妈 ❤️**

买面包 💸 

_Buy bread_. He sighed and felt for his wallet in his pocket, luckily habit had forced him to bring it.

iMessage 信息

今天下午3:19

嗯

iMessage 信息

今天下午3:20

谢谢👌

He pushed up off the bench, cracked his back and rolled his neck. He squinted, trying to work out the quickest route to both the shops and home. Via the veggie shop was best, he decided.

* * *

信息 下午5:49

**james**

Sorry for the short phone call earlier

信息 下午5:49

**james**

How do you feel about art? We could do the art gallery on Saturday

信息 下午6:21

**james**

Gonna reply this time?

信息 下午6:21

**james**

Don't make things more difficult than they have to be

信息 下午9:36

**james**

Sleep well baby

iMessage 信息

今天下午10:19

art galrey fine

* * *

He woke up somewhere around one with a boner and muttered a curse into his pillow. Assumedly, he'd been having another dream. Rolling onto his back, he couldn't remember any of it.

At the best of times - times when Jian wasn't going out with men twice his age - he didn't like touching himself. He felt dirty and gross until he got into it, then he would cum and proceed to feel dirtier and grosser. The worst he'd ever felt was when he came to the thought of Leo fucking him. He hadn't even been fantasising about Leo in particular, but he'd popped into Jian's head just as he was nearing his climax and Jian couldn't help spilling into his own hand.

He stared at the ceiling of his room, willing the heated ache away. When it stubbornly stayed, he grit his teeth, left hand inching down. Shame snaked through him and his hand stilled at his belly button.

And then he wondered if James had jerked off to thoughts of him and went hot from head to toe, cock twitching.

He kicked down his duvet, lifted his hips off his mattress and stripped off his sweats, deciding to ignore the shame and just get it over with.

He let out a shaky breath, wrapping his hand around himself. He started slow, closing his eyes and doing his best not to think of anything other than his own movements. Swiping a thumb over the head of his dick, however, his mind showed him an image of what he imagined James's cock looked like. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, grip tightening and strokes getting faster.

Both James's slacks and jeans, when Jian had allowed himself to look fleetingly at his crotch, indicated James's size was decent, at the very least.

A weak noise clawed its way from Jian's throat and he lifted his right hand to his chest, brushing over a nipple. He thought about dropping to his knees between James's legs. He thought about a firm hand being pressed to the back of his head, guiding him in. He thought about James's cock hitting the back off his throat and moaned, pain-laced pleasure running through him as he pinched down on his nipple. He thought about James holding his head in place and fucking his mouth. The hand on his chest was moved up to his mouth and he took two of his fingers inside, running his tongue over them to get them wet.

He paused in stroking his cock in order to turn and get on his elbows and knees. He then reached back with his wet fingers and ran them over his asshole. Pressing his face into his pillow, he screwed his eyes shut and pushed the first finger in.

He didn't often finger himself. The angle could be awkward and he didn't have anything immediately available to use as lube, other than saliva. Still, he gasped as his finger reached the knuckle. He paused for a second, just breathing and getting used to the feeling. Then he started to pull out, only to press back in.

It was a little dry and he couldn't quite get deep enough, but it was enough for now. He started stroking his cock again, trying to time the two movements together. His mouth fell open as he added his second finger. He thought of James leaning over him, pressing wet kisses to his neck as he fucked him and whimpered. He imagined James holding him down with a large hand between his shoulder blades, thrusting hard and deep, telling Jian how pretty he was, how tight he was, what a good boy he was being--

"Nng _fuck._ " Jian's body shook as he came, spilling onto his hand and the sheets below. He felt like rubber; tingly and warm as he panted into his pillow.

It took him approximately one minute to come down enough for the disgust to creep in.

* * *

After swimming, Jian's mood rapidly dropped. His English teacher started Monday morning's class by reading an exemplar essay which explored themes between various texts. Jian wanted to smash his head against the desk until it bled.

He didn't go to his biology class afterwards. Desmond's free was on in that period but he didn't go to find him either. Instead, he wandered out the main gates and headed in the direction of the denser part of town.

He walked through various streets aimlessly for a while, before his eyes found a sign reading _Fuckoffee_. He reread it once or twice, just to make sure, before dropping his gaze to the shop window. It was a quiet cafe; looked cosy and warm. Jian crossed to it.

A bell sounded as he pushed the door open and the lady behind the counter looked up from her book. She was tall and very pretty. Jian eyed the cake cabinet as he approached the counter. He wondered why it was, then, that he could never want her.

"Hey how's it goin'?"

His eyes found the chalk menu behind her as he ignored the question. He had trouble reading it, however, and couldn't muster the energy to try today. He had a specific craving, so decided to save himself the trouble and ask. "You got matcha lattes?"

The lady tucked some wavy, bobbed hair behind her ear. "We do. Large or regular?"

"You don't do small?"

She laughed and it was a very honest sound. "Sure. One small matcha latte, anything else?"

Jian shook his head, swinging his bag around in order to dig out his wallet.

"Four dollars, thanks."

He took a seat in the back corner of the cafe and laid his head in his arms. Jian often went through periods of feeling like shit. There was a lot about himself one should feel shit for, so it was only to be expected. His current state, though, was a touch worse than usual. Normally, at least, a vague spark of motivation or grit remained and he pushed on. Right now, he felt hollow and was very much in favour of giving everything up. He might not even go to tonight's training. But then Desmond and the others would ask questions. He wouldn't necessarily have to answer them. But they'd worry. And he didn't want them to.

There was a delicate thud and he looked out from his arms.

Pretty cafe lady smiled. "Matcha latte. Tired?" She asked, stepping back and resting her hands in her apron pocket.

Jian sat up and pulled his drink toward himself, responding with a grunt in the hopes of dissuading further conversation.

"You must be a high-schooler, no?"

Jian set his jaw, looking at the green drink. "No, 'm eighty-two 'n' work 'n a farm."

She let out another honest laugh and stepped back again. "Alright. Enjoy the drink, farm boy."

He didn't respond, just picked up the teaspoon and scooped up some foam.

It was actually a very nice drink, probably one of the best matcha lattes he'd tried. Perhaps that wasn't surprising given he only bought the cheapest of the cheap. He looked at a painting on the wall opposite him and couldn't quite figure out what it was depicting. It was pretty and colourful, though. The music was also nice. Soft rock playing sweetly in the background. Jian took a longer sip from his drink and decided this cafe was worth revisiting.

It was close to 12 when he left and he wasn't sure where he was going, but he went. He went and it took him to a dingy area of rundown restaurants and grotty shops. He wandered down a narrow side-alley which took him behind a few of the restaurants. There was a worker leant against a grimy wall smoking and looking unhappy. Jian absently looked at some old graffiti as he passed through, hands stuffed deep into his pockets. The mixture of stale air and cigarettes was not a smell he particularly enjoyed, so he didn't linger.

He kept wandering for the better part of the next three hours and had only a vague idea of where he was when Desmond rang him. He grit his teeth, looking at a mural of a lady lighting a cigarette, surrounded by rats. He let himself consider the idea of ignoring the phone, before fishing it out.

" _Hey._ "

" _Hey._ " Desmond fired back. " _Haven't seen you all day. I'm outside your calc class. Where are you_?"

Jian noticed the lady in the mural had a fur hat, with the ears of a fox. " _Not sure. Near Windol I think._ "

"Windol?" Desmond echoed, evidently surprised. " _You-- why_?" 

Jian looked at the patch of the mural where a rat was biting the woman's toe. " _Dunno_."

Desmond sighed and it wasn't annoyance or disappointment or anything other than simple, honest concern. " _Jian, bro, what's-- 'kay. Tell you what,_ " He said. " _we'll cancel training today since we're all basketball gods anyway,_ "

Jian nearly smiled.

" _and I'll come pick you up, yeah? Just me. The boys can get themselves home, lazy bastards._ " Jian opened his mouth to protest but Desmond wasn't finished. _"Finally that kid I tutor paid me, so we can get some liu sha bao because there's a special deal today at Sunny Town, and I've been craving some for weeks. Send me your location._ "

" _Des, I-_ "

"- _can't wait to see me, I know; I'll be fast as I can. Send me the address, I'll see you soon_." he hung up.

Jian stared at the mural with his phone to his ear for a while more, brain empty and body heavy.

He felt pathetic.

Eventually, he bit out a curse then opened maps and copied his location to send Desmond.

iMessage 信息

今天下午3:23

Omw 👹

He let out a long sigh, before moving over to the wall and leaning against it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desmond was quiet for a while, looking pensively out across the park. " _Sounds kinda lonely._ "

Desmond's car always smelt odd and none of them knew exactly what it was. Jian dumped his bag on the backseat and busied himself with his seatbelt. Desmond hummed along to the shitty 2000s pop he was playing, beginning to reverse.

" _You down for liu sha bao_?"

Jian watched the mural grow smaller as they drove. " _Mn._ "

"Okie dokie." Desmond frowned out his window, before smiling and nodding to himself. " _We will not get lost_."

Jian knocked his head on the window as he leant on it.

" _You feelin' Britney Spears_?"

" _No._ " Jian listened to the singer declare she was losing her head, spinnin' 'round and 'round.

Desmond snorted. " _Tough. She's a legend_."

Jian murmured under his breath that she was not and Desmond snorted once again.

" _Uncultured_." he muttered with goodhearted venom.

Jian's lips twitched. He didn't reply.

They drove in silence, save for the legendary Britney Spears sounding in the background. They drove to a much brighter, cleaner part of town and Jian closed his eyes, enjoying the car's small vibrations.

He only opened them again when the vibrations stopped.

" _Coming in_?" Desmond asked, hand on his door handle.

Jian looked to the shop across the road. Shook his head.

" _'Kay_." Desmond nodded. " _I'll buy a box, you want anything else_?"

Jian shook his head.

" _A drink_?" Desmond pushed and Jian shook his head. _"Something savoury_?"

Jian shook his head.

" _A soothing skin massage_?"

" _Jesus fuckin' Christ_." Jian laughed. " _Go away._ "

Desmond cracked open his door with a cackle. " _Alright, alright. Back in a few._ "

Jian smiled, watching him cross the street and grin like an idiot at everyone he passed on his way into the shop.

He wondered how it would go. If he said _Desmond, I'm gay_. He thought Desmond would be kind but he didn't think he would stay. He'd probably start avoiding Jian. He'd try to start stiff conversations every now and then, but it would be unpleasant for them both. Jian wondered, then, what would happen if he pushed it further and said _I've been seeing someone double my age who's married with a child_. He thought that would make Desmond speechless, for the first time in his life. He thought he'd be disgusted. _Jian_ was disgusted. He groaned and leant his head back on the headrest.

He didn't want to see James again. He also didn't want to see anyone else _but_ James.

Shortly after, Desmond popped back out of the shop, bag in hand and grin on face. He waited on the other side for traffic to slow, before jogging across the road and rejoining Jian inside the car.

" _Freshly made._ " he beamed. " _Goddamn,_ _I am fucking excited._ " He put the bag between them and started the car. " _You fucking excited_?"

Jian closed his eyes with the return of Britney. " _So fuckin' excited._ "

Desmond laughed, pulling onto the road. " _I can tell_."

They drove to Cornwall Park, the one with a bunch of sculptures submerged into the grassy ground. They chose a spot toward the top - near the car park - overlooking a large part of the scenery. 

Desmond happily munched and talked about his day for the first while, while Jian less happily tried to listen and maintain focus. Upon finishing slamming Matthew Hick for _just sitting there... marinating_ in class, Desmond's noise came to an end and he sighed, looking out across the park.

He wiped fingers on his jeans before looking back to Jian. " _So, what's going on_?"

Jian's eyes stuck to a Great Dane, frolicking through some leaves.

Desmond sighed again and pulled his cap down over his face. "C'man." He was doing a stupid 1920's gangster accent. "Listen, uh... whadda they call ya? Ice--" He broke character for a split-second in order to snort. Jian's lips twitched. "-Ice Box. Say, what's the beef?" The accent slipped but Desmond was nothing if not resilient. "Ain't no secrets 'tween us, hm? We is fam'ly, see? So c'man, talk to your old pop-pop."

Jian couldn't help a little laugh now.

Desmond laughed too. "Your old pop-pop." The accent became something almost English. "Your old pep-pep, pep-pop, pop-"

"-shut the fuck up." Jian laughed. "Holy shit."

Desmond's laughter trailed off pleasantly. " _Man of many talents, am I right_?"

Jian just shook his head, trying to ignore the smile he felt on his face.

"What's up Ice Box?"

He felt the smile fade and searched for the Great Dane again. Must have gone. He swallowed.

Desmond knew him too well by now; Jian's go-to that he was _just tired_ wasn't going to cut it. But he couldn't tell him. He bit the inside of his cheek. " _Stressed_." He began.

Desmond just hummed encouragingly.

" _Feels like_ \--" Jian took a hand from his pocket to gesture lamely. " _-s'like 'm-- there's so much goin' on. 'N' I don't know how t'- what t' do. 'N' 'm so--_ " He grit his teeth momentarily. "- _'m such a fuckin'- I can't do shit 'n' I just make 'veryone 'round me--_ " He didn't know where he was going with this. " _-I don't want 'nyone t' see me._ " He finally said. " _I want t' be here, but I don't want 'nyone t' know_."

Desmond was quiet for a while, looking pensively out across the park. " _Sounds kinda lonely_."

Jian swallowed and started picking at a loose thread on his sweatpants. " _S'just that I- I don't deserve- fuck, that sounds-- I mean, 'm not worth-- 'm just a fuck up 'n' I_ try _t' be normal but I- I can't fuckin'-- 'n' I hate- I_ hate _bein' -- like this_."

" _Like this_." Desmond repeated evenly. " _What's_ this?"

Jian let out a bitter breath of laughter. He couldn't very well say what _this_ was mostly in reference to and he didn't know how to explain what it was somewhat in reference to. " _Y'know._ " He started. " _I can't express m'self. I can't-- read people or 'nderstand what they mean or want. I don't know how t'- navigate situations 'n' it's-- fuckin'_ exhaustin' _t' always be guessin' what people mean or feel 'n' s'exhaustin' tryna 'nderstand some 'f the shit I feel and that--_ " He leant his head back. " _-that's shit_ I'm _feelin', surely 'm meant to-- get it. But I don't. 'M always so confused._ "

" _I don't understand half the shit I feel_." Desmond offered. " _Like, uh, when- back in the beginning when training made me_ miserable _and sometimes I felt so bad, I thought I was gonna puke. But I loved it at the same time._ " He kind of laughed. " _And I couldn't figure it out for years. I remember, I was watching Sam Knight shoot this impressive three-pointer, and I suddenly realised it was because I cared so much. Cos if you care, you're scared you'll fuck up or-- whatever, point is: feelings aren't always easy to understand. That's not how they work._ " He took his cap off and smoothed over his hair, before replacing it. " _Jian, I swear to god I've never had trouble understanding what you mean when you're,_ " He used air quotes, "expressing yourself _, even if you sometimes take a colourful route._ " he smiled. " _And people will always be confusing. I can't read a lotta people, but I can't help it. All I can do is be myself. If that causes friction, we obviously aren't meant to understand each other anyway_."

Jian swallowed. Such a simple idea. He almost felt a weight lift off his shoulders because it made so much sense. 

" _You said there's so much going on_." Desmond told him. " _What's going on_?"

Jian shrugged, snapping off the loose thread and balling it up. " _Nothin'._ " He muttered because he couldn't tell the truth. " _S'more like a feelin'._ "

" _Right_." Desmond nodded easily. " _If you need help with school, you know we've got you. Could take some pressure off_."

Jian flicked the ball off into the grass.

" _How's your mum_?" Desmond suddenly asked and Jian looked over at him, frowning.

" _M' mum_?"

Desmond nodded once, his chin touching his chest as he did so.

" _Fine._ " Jian mumbled. " _We don't see each other much. She's fine_."

Desmond looked up to the sky. " _I know she's your mum, but as a person - as an individual with her individual thoughts and ideologies - how do you feel about her_?" 

Jian swallowed, watching the side of Desmond's face. Something twisted in his gut because it was entirely uncomfortable; admitting that he loved his mum while not liking her. And realising Desmond had apparently worked this much out. Something Jian hadn't so much as hinted at. If Desmond had so easily worked this out, Jian felt vaguely ill at what else he might have figured. " _Think she does her best f'r me._ " He finally said, looking forward again. " _I love her. But don't really like spendin' time with her. F_ _eel guilty_."

Desmond hummed. " _People put so much emphasis on blood_."

Jian frowned, spotting another dog; a perky Jack Russell. " _S'that mean_?"

" _It means_ ," Desmond looked over in order to grin. " _we're family, right? But we're not blood. Family is who makes you feel safe; who supports you and loves you. Throughout whatever_."

Jian swallowed. A lump had formed in his throat. He wanted to hug Desmond.

Desmond laughed, looking back to the sky. " _You can't help the way you feel about people, no matter who they are_."

Jian dropped his gaze to Desmond's knee. He wondered if that sentiment extended past what they were currently talking about. " _No matter who they are._ " He repeated quietly, testing Desmond's words out on his tongue. " _Or--_ " A surge of nerves made him want to vomit. " _-what. They are._ "

Desmond side-eyed him, lips tilted pleasantly upward. He glanced away. " _Sure. We can't help our feelings, only our actions_."

Jian wasn't sure if he'd just come out to Desmond. He certainly wasn't going to clarify. He wasn't going to bring it up ever again, actually. He wasn't entirely sure what Desmond meant about actions, either. But he felt less like throwing up, so that was something.

He swallowed and spoke English in a 1920's gangster voice; something he'd do for no one else. "Hey, uh," He cleared his throat. "t'anks boss."

Desmond's laugh, in one word, would be joyous. It was a laugh that Jian thought could quite possibly end world hunger. "You got it, Ice Box."

Jian smiled and found the Jack Russell with his eyes again.

* * *

On Tuesday, his biology teacher made him sit out in the hall. Apparently, he had been wasting everyone's time and not paying attention while sharpening his pencil over the bin. That had been news to both Jian and his broken pencil.

On Wednesday, Jian asked another Chinese kid in his economics class if he could borrow her rubber, in Chinese. His teacher had told him to _speak English, this is America_. Jian hadn't meant to tell him to _fuck off_. In retrospect, he wasn't sure how else he could have phrased it.

Either way, that was how he found himself writing lines on Thursday lunchtime. He'd already done five. _Profanities are unacceptable in a school environment_. It had been half an hour. He had 45 to go. His teacher wasn't supervising him. He'd said his time was much too valuable. Instead, he'd locked Jian in the classroom with the promise of releasing him at the bell. Jian was sure that was somehow not allowed. He leant back and gazed at the ceiling, tapping his pen without rhythm. After 10 minutes of that, he leant forward and stared at his refill pad. Then, finally, he set pen to paper.

Mr. Prepon was not at all happy when he came back to find Jian was 43 lines short of 50 and he was even less happy with the fan art Jian had lovingly drawn him. It was a simple picture of a chubby man in an oversized suit. The main bit, Jian supposed, Mr. Prepon didn't like was the speech bubble, reading in atrocious handwriting _I'm a racist_.

Thus, come Friday lunchtime, Jian missed a school-run training for the second time ever. Today, he sat outside his dean's office. He was struggling to copy out a detention essay. It was ever so much fun. Nearly every sentence started with _I will choose_ ; _I will choose not to talk in class_ ; _I will choose not to throw things in class_. He had heard repetition could be a valuable literary device. He didn't find it effective in this instance, however, and left a polite critique at the bottom of the page when he was finally finished. He wasn't being smart, he was being helpful.

Handing the essay in to his dean toward the end of lunch, she surveyed it skeptically. She sighed at the comment at the end but nevertheless told him he was free to go.

So he went.

He went to Fuckoffee and ordered a matcha latte. It was the same lady as last time and she tried to be familiar. Jian pretended not to remember her. He sat at the same table and pulled out his phone.

He played _Subway Surfers_ until his drink arrived, then put his phone down in order to eat the foam on top. It dinged when the first spoonful reached his mouth.

信息  现在

**james**

Hey, sorry for lack of contact these few days, been busy

信息  现在

**james**

I know you’re at school, but text me when you’re free so we can talk about tomorrow :)

Jian watched his phone screen go dark again and took another mouthful of foam. He swallowed, put his teaspoon down and picked up his phone. He felt a bit funny; dull nerves, something tight and uneasy, but also a quiet eagerness.

iMessage 信息

今天下午2:03

free now

He watched the screen, waiting for a reply when instead it rang. Jian glanced around the cafe, as if other patrons would care about some random kid's private phone calls. There was only one other customer anyway and he had headphones on.

He swiped to accept. "'Lo."

"Hey. You at lunch?" James's voice came through and Jian's nerves immediately buzzed because it was such a nice sound.

He swallowed. "Mn. You?"

"Yeah, same." James said. "I'm eating a chicken wrap in my office."

Jian wasn't sure what to say to that but, "Cool." was definitely not right.

James just chuckled. "So, Liam's actually gonna stay the night with his cousins." He said. "Which means I can do anytime after ten tomorrow. What works for you?"

Jian looked at his matcha latte. "Yeah. 'Nytime's fine."

James hummed. "Eleven?"

Jian nodded, eyes stuck to his drink. "'Kay."

James paused, before letting out the smallest little breath. "There's, uh, something else I wanted to ask."

Jian frowned and waited for more.

"As Liam's going for a sleepover, I don't have to worry about going back 'til one on Sunday." he stopped again, almost like he was waiting for Jian to say something.

Jian didn't know what he expected because he didn't know what James meant yet. He went for a simple, "'Kay."

There was another little breath and it was almost a laugh. "Jian, I'm asking if you wanted to-" He cut himself off and inhaled gently. "-but it's important to me that you're honest about what you want."

Jian squinted at his drink, unsure what he was missing. "Want t' go t' the art gallery." He tried and it sounded like a question.

There was a second huff of amusement. "No, baby. I mean, we could spend the night together."

Jian's nerves went from buzzing to rattling.

"If you wanted to. We don't have to do anything, I don't expect--" he didn't say what he didn't expect. "-but it could be nice to spend that extra time. If that's something you want to do."

Jian swallowed audibly. "Oh."

"No pressure." came James's gentle reassurance. "I just thought I'd ask." There was a moment more of silence from Jian and James spoke again, "Okay, don't worry about it. Let's just-"

"-I want to." Jian cut him off, without meaning to.

James stopped.

Jian stopped. He felt very hot all of a sudden.

"Alright." James finally said. "I'll get something booked."

 _Booked_. Jian frowned. "Like a-- hotel?"

James hummed. "That okay?"

"It--" Jian didn't know how to word it. "-money." Eloquent.

" _Money_?" James repeated, confusion ebbing into his tone. "Oh." He realised. "Jian, I told you last time. It's my money, you don't need to worry about it."

"I don't--" Jian swallowed. "-find somewhere cheap." He finally muttered, opting not to explain himself. "Want t' pay half."

James was quiet for a while and Jian began to think he was going to argue. Eventually, he just sighed. "Okay." The tone carried an edge of annoyance.

Something sharp twisted in Jian's gut. He didn't reply.

James let out a softer sigh. "I'll pick you up from the bakery at eleven. Bring whatever you need for the night."

"'Kay." Jian lifted a hand to smooth over a dent in the wooden table.

"So, I'll see you then." James said.

Jian pressed his nail into the dent. "Okay."

"Okay." James repeated and it was- it was _fond_. "See you later baby."

Jian blinked at the table, "Mn." and the line was cut.

He didn't manage to finish his matcha latte.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not that I don't want to, Jian." James broke the silence that had built between them. His tone was gentler now. "Of course I want to."

Jian sat on the same bench as last time. It was 10-to. And bloody freezing. He was wearing some black sweats, high-top sneakers and a grey tank top because he'd seen the sun when he woke up, so assumed it was going to be warm. He scowled and pulled his bag onto his lap to grab a hoodie.

His mum had been curious about his bag. Usually if he stayed with Desmond or one of the others, he didn't bring much; they shared clothes. So he'd said they were playing sports and he needed to bring a towel and change of clothes. She'd been satisfied with that, going back to her magazine.

He wondered if she'd go so far as to disown him.

That sleek Mercedes Benz pulled up in front of him and Jian stood, hoodie pulled over his head but not yet his arms.

James smiled as Jian hopped in. "Hey." He said and there was a chuckle beneath as he regarded Jian's half-hoodie situation.

Jian grunted in response, chucking his bag on the backseat and finally threading his arms through his sleeves.

"You okay?" James asked, watching him.

Jian nodded, getting his seatbelt. "You?"

"Sure." James started reversing and Jian glanced over. He wore white sneakers at the bottom of grey jeans; a light brown, woollen turtleneck, under a slim black puffer jacket. Jian wondered if there was anything James could wear that would not compliment him ridiculously. Doubtful.

"Busy week?" James asked as they turned onto the main road.

Jian looked away and watched the car in front. "Not sure." He said because this week had been an odd one.

"Not sure?" James hummed, curious.

Jian looked at the car's number plate. "I-" He realised it read _sweetmom_. "-dunno." He looked away. "Got a detention."

James glanced over at him as they slowed for an intersection. "What for?"

Jian tried to read his face. "Two detentions, actually." He corrected himself. "First one's f'r tellin' m' teacher t' fuck off. Second one's f'r not takin' the first seriously."

James looked back to the road, edging forward. "Why did you tell your teacher to fuck off?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. For some reason, he didn't want to say it aloud. "Spoke Chinese t' the girl next t' me cos s'easier. Can't remember what he said," Jian leant his head on his window as they started moving agin. "but somethin' 'bout speakin' 'Nglish cos 'm 'n America." He watched building after building pass by. "S'fine-- 'f he wanted-- me t' engage with-- I don't-- 'n 'Nglish-speakin' lesson. But the way he said it wasn't--" He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth. "-made me feel like _shit_. So I told him t' fuck off."

James sighed very softly.

"He made me write lines." Jian told him, watching a McDonald's worker mop the floor. "Fifty fuckin' lines. S'if that'd teach me 'nythin'."

James said nothing.

Jian looked at his nails and started picking at them. "I did ten or somethin', then drew a picture 'f him sayin' _'_ _m a racist_. He got pissy 'n' I had t' copy 'n essay the next day. Which I did." He accidentally tore a cuticle and bit his lip, screwing his hands up and stuffing them into his hoodie pocket.

"Jian." James said and Jian already hated what he was going to say. "I want you to be honest."

Jian's stomach twisted.

James glanced over and his eyes were serious, before they fixed back on the space ahead of them. "If this is too much for you, we can-"

"-fuck off." Jian cut in, sitting up in his seat. Anger buzzed through his stomach.

James looked at him again. "Don't talk to me like that."

Jian glared. "Then don't just assume--" He wasn't sure how to explain himself. "-'s'nothin' t' do with you." He said after a moment. "'Ve never been a good student. I ain't actin' out cos've whatever the fuck's goin' on here."

James flicked on the indicators and Jian watched a muscle in his jaw twitch. Still, when he spoke, it was calm and gentle. "That's not what I meant." He said. "This week you've been a bit off. I didn't mean to imply anything." He took a smooth right. "I just wanted you to know it's okay to be feeling confused; to take your time. I can wait."

Jian swallowed and suddenly he was feeling really, _really_ bad. "James." He started, yet had nothing to add.

"Jian." James easily responded.

Jian swallowed again.

"Are you okay?" James asked when Jian remained quiet.

Jian only ever got personal with Desmond. And even then, he tried to keep some distance where possible. He didn't know how to do this. He didn't even know what _this_ was. "I want--" He closed his eyes and took a small breath. "-want t' talk. Later."

"Okay." James accepted and his tone was painfully gentle. "Whenever you're ready."

Jian swallowed again and settled his gaze out the window. "Thanks."

"You don't need to thank me." James murmured.

* * *

Jian followed James through to a large, white room filled with big paintings. Jian's eyes found one he was sure Leo had shown him. Leo was big on art. He took art history and got excited by pictures of apples or people sitting at tables. Jian enjoyed listening to him ramble about the composition of old paintings, not because he learnt anything remotely of interest to him, but simply because Leo was a joy to listen to when excited. Jian would liken it to watching a dog race about on a beach; one could never be sad watching such a scene.

He just followed James for the first few rooms, glancing at pictures hanging on walls and watching other people do the same. Occasionally, he read an inscription but largely, he just felt self-conscious and awkward.

Then they reached a room where a projector was set up, playing a bunch of loosely related clips. Jian stood there, watching. Watching yellow grass blow in the wind, watching a naked lady crawl across a bog, watching tadpoles writhe about in a pond. There was a woman speaking, amongst diegetic noise. Her voice was cold and intangible. She talked of death, using pretty words Jian didn't really know.

He hardly noticed the warm hand on his shoulder, nor the quiet murmur that James would be in the next room, he just took a seat in front of the screen and watched until it looped back around. He didn't understand why it made him-- feel something.

When it restarted, he stood and moved on to the next room. This one also had a video. It wasn't projected, but playing on several different LED screens, some lagging jarringly behind others. James stood in front of them, watching quietly. His arms were folded over his chest and his head was tilted.

Jian watched him and something warm unfurled in his chest for the first time today. He was so beautiful. He couldn't believe James had chosen to be here, with him, when he could be literally anywhere else.

He came to stand beside him, touching a hand ever so lightly to James's arm, just to alert him to his presence.

James looked down and smiled. "Hey."

Jian smiled back quietly. "Hey." He tucked his hands into his pockets.

"You liked that last one, huh?" James asked him, gaze falling back to the video.

Jian nodded, watching the lights and colours reflect on James's face. "Yeah."

"This one's weird." James said. "I'm not sure I like it."

Jian finally looked forward. He watched the screens move and was vaguely reminded of his last biology lesson. "Reminds me 'f mitosis."

James laughed. "It does, doesn't it?" He dropped an easy arm around Jian's shoulder and guided them toward the next room. "I think it was commenting on something about that; life imitating art imitating life. I didn't get it."

Jian's shoulders felt hot and he stared blankly at a black canvas. Then the hand fell away and James began to wander this new room. Jian watched him for a moment, before doing the same.

* * *

The gift shop was intensely busy. There was one cool thing Jian had wanted to check out; a mug which from a distance looked cartoon and 2D. Now, he and James were trapped and Jian was angry and stressed.

"Jian, relax, we'll just-- here." James wrapped a hand around Jian's wrist.

Jian allowed himself to be pulled along, feeling untethered from his body.

His eyes were stuck to where they were touching. It wasn't at all romantic. Onlookers, if there did happen to be any, would simply see two practical people trying to stick together in a crowd. And yet, Jian's heart had taken up residence in his throat and he felt hot all over. James's grip was firm, soft, solid and gentle all at once.

Jian had pushed his hoodie up to his elbows in that room full of fleshy sculptures (which, for the record, he'd hated with every fibre of his being. James had said they were _cool_ ; fuck off). Thus, skin touched skin. James's skin was a tone darker than Jian's. It was smooth and warm. And of course, his hand was big. It wrapped easily around Jian's entire wrist and Jian didn't understand why that affected him so fucking much.

His wrist was released when they made it back to the reception and James looked at him. "Better now?"

Through the muddle in his head, Jian managed a nod.

James smiled. "Lunch?"

Jian nodded again. There was a dull ache in his stomach. He was very hungry.

* * *

" _Sandwiches_?"

"I love sandwiches." Jian said, almost defensive.

James gave a quiet snort. "Yeah, okay. But we could get anything."

"You don't like sandwiches?" Jian asked and this may well be the only dealbreaker.

James made an ambiguous sound. "I mean..." He slowed at an orange light. "they're _fine_."

The way he said _fine_ made Jian squint at him.

James met his eyes and laughed. "Baby, c'mon. I don't _dis_ like them. But given the whole wide world of culinary experiences, sandwiches are never gonna be at the top of the list."

Jian groaned and let his head hit the window. "Oh my god."

James laughed. "How about burgers?"

"Burgers _are_ sandwiches." Jian muttered.

James snorted dubiously.

"Bread, meat, salad."

James shook his head fondly, setting off as the light switched. "Burgers are... a genre of sandwich."

Jian's lips twitched.

"Do you want to eat burgers?"

"'Nly fr'm Little Octopus."

"Little Octopus?" James repeated. "Like, in the food court at Crotty's Arcade?"

Jian nodded. "Mn."

James sighed and changed lanes. "I dunno, baby."

Jian watched a busker play her saxophone with extraordinary passion. "They're good."

"'Kay." James hummed, skeptical.

It was only when they were sat at a dirty table on the fringe of the food court, each a bite into their greasy burgers that James swallowed.

"Damn, okay."

Jian smiled and took a second bite.

James watched him, affection sitting softly on his face. "So, what about wraps?" He asked, also going for another bite.

Jian swallowed. "What about them?"

"Sandwiches?" James asked and Jian scrunched up his face. James laughed. "No? But they're bread, meat and salad."

"S'not _bread_." Jian argued.

"Flatbread." James told him and Jian decided right then that he despised the man.

"Shut up." he muttered. "Wraps are..." He squinted at his burger. "rolls 'f food."

James laughed. " _Rolls of food_." He repeated, amused. "Sounds _delicious_. You ever considered working in advertising?"

"For fuck's sake." Jian mumbled. He was going for long-suffering. Unfortunately, his ill-repressed laugh ruined it.

James just chuckled and continued with his burger.

Jian became aware of the feeling in his chest as he watched. Warm and light, yet tight at the same time. He felt similarly with his friends, but never quite this intense. It was happiness, he knew, but he didn't know it could be so pure and unhindered.

James raised his eyebrows, "Okay?"

Jian dropped his eyes to his burger. "Mn." He sounded, eyes flicking back up. He tried a little smile. "I'm okay."

James ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek and Jian absently followed the movement. "Good." He said, so sincere it hurt.

* * *

Jian watched the screen's clock change from 3:22 to 3:23. James stopped behind a white truck.

"How much did this car cost?" he asked, eyes settled on a vape shop.

James looked over and quietly assessed his face. His hands slid down the steering wheel and he looked back forward. "Just over a hundred and seventy thousand."

Something twisted in Jian's chest. "S'a lot."

"It is." James calmly agreed.

"Doesn't it make you feel--" Jian swallowed, struggling to find the words as they started moving again. "-cheap?"

There was a breath of laughter. "Does spending lots of money make me feel cheap?" James clarified.

Jian scowled and looked over. "Or-" He wasn't sure he had the words. "-y'ever feel bad?"

James sighed. "No. I don't." He said. "But I understand your asking." He glanced over. "My family's always had money. It's not something I was taught to think about in the way you do."

"The way I do." Jian muttered. "S'that mean?"

James inhaled lightly. "Of course, I don't know your situation, but," Indicators clicked before they took a left. "I assume you've never had a lot of money." He said. "Naturally, if it's something you've had to worry about from a young age, you're going to have a more complex relationship with it."

Jian spotted a black dog being walked by a man with a toupée. "I don't like money."

James hummed smoothly.

"Think it's-- gross."

James chuckled. " _Money_ is gross? You don't mean capitalism?"

Jian scowled. "They're the same thing."

"No, they're not baby." James murmured. He lifted his left hand from the wheel in order to rest his elbow on the window and his chin on his fist. "Money is simply a social construct. Something that allows for the exchange of goods and services."

"'N' allows f'r those with it, t' fuck those without it." Jian told him.

James sighed evenly. "Money isn't the system in which it's used."

Jian thought he was too stupid for this conversation, so retreated. "Whatever asshole."

James snorted. "Don't call me that." There was amusement in his voice - bubbling and light - but there was also something underneath; something hard.

Jian didn't feel like explaining it was an affectionate _asshole_ , like how he called Desmond. Instead, he slid down in his seat and asked, "Do these seats heat up?"

James glanced at him. "Sure." He leant forward and Jian watched him fiddle with the screen. "You're cold?"

Not really, Jian just wanted a change. "A bit."

James smiled at him. "Should've told me sooner."

Jian just shrugged, beginning to feel the seat change temperature.

* * *

Jian squinted out the windscreen. "The fuck is this?"

James sighed. "Baby, c'mon."

It was a big building, similar in shape to one of those trifold mirrors. In big, lit-up letters across the middle section, it said _JW Lamora_. It was most definitely not cheap; most definitely not something Jian could pay half of. And Jian was-- angry.

"I said-"

"-I know what you said." James cut him off, tone flat. "But it's a bit late to make a fuss."

Jian scowled at him. "You lied."

James pulled into a parking space and killed the engine. "I didn't lie."

"Y'said you'd find somewhere-"

"-I never said that."

Jian let out a dry breath of laughter. "You-"

"-I said _okay._ " James cut in. "I never said I'd do it."

Jian glared at him.

James watched him for a moment, before glancing off to the side. Upon looking back, he said, "I don't understand why you find this a problem."

Jian swallowed and looked at the impressive building ahead of them. "I don't want--" It was hard to explain. "-t' owe you." Good enough for now.

James exhaled. "You won't owe me." He said softly.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "But I _feel_ \--" He dropped his eyes to his sweatpants. "-I feel bad."

"I can't change that baby." James told him. "I can tell you not to worry; I can tell you money doesn't matter to me, but I can't fix that feeling. So can we please just go in and see how you feel once we're inside?"

Jian swallowed again, eyes moving up to the grand entrance. "They'll--" A weak wave of disgust rolled through him. "-they'll know."

James sighed. "Know what?" He asked; patient.

Jian chewed his lip, unwilling to expand, "That we..." was as far as he got.

"Yeah." James told him, gentle. "Maybe. But they serve hundreds of people a day, surely they have better things to do than judge guests." He said. "And if they don't, I guarantee you a gay couple will be one of the milder outliers. Surely they've served a guy who--" James waved a hand absently. "-asked room service for a live goat."

Jian couldn't help a weak snort.

James smiled and leant forward a fraction, moving a hand to cup Jian's face. "Okay?"

Jian nodded quietly.

James pressed a light peck to his mouth before pulling back and pushing open his door. "I've got your bag."

The automatic doors made a clean _woosh_ as they slid open and Jian dug his hands a little deeper into his pockets. The foyer was large and well lit. Everything was shiny and Jian privately thought it was ugly. He stood behind James as they stopped before the check-in desk.

There was only one worker. She was dressed in a smart, red and black skirt suit. Her tidy name tag said _Shareen_.

She smiled and Jian wondered if she paid to whiten her teeth. "Afternoon sir." She said, speaking solely to James.

James smiled back. "Got a booking under Anderson."

Jian watched red nails tap away at a keyboard. "Of course." Came a moment later. "Room two-five-seven, fifth floor; let me get your key card." She stood from her chair and turned to the cabinet behind her.

James glanced back at Jian to offer a smile.

Jian swallowed and looked away, scuffing a dirty shoe on the polished floor.

"Here we are." she hummed, turning back and handing James a blue card. "Room service is available twenty-four-seven. The Lobby Bar is open from three PM to one-thirty AM, with a limited menu after ten. Breakfast at J Graham's is served from ten AM to one-thirty PM, finally dinner at the English Grill runs from five to ten PM. The gym and pool are both located on the first floor." She gave James another white smile. "Is there anything else you'll be needing?"

"That's it, thanks." James stepped back.

"Of course, enjoy your stay." she said and it was only then that her eyes settled on Jian.

Jian glared at her.

She looked away and took her seat again.

Jian felt a mixture of confusion and shame coil in his gut.

* * *

James pressed their key card to the scanner beneath the door handle and it clicked open. He went in first and placed their bags on the bed. The big, plush bed with far too many pillows. The headboard was a dark wood, while the rest of the walls were a light cream colour. There was a desk near the bed and a sofa before a vast wall-to-wall window, overlooking the busy city outside. There was a balcony, too.

Either side of the bed were small tables, each holding a cubic lamp. There was a massive TV opposite the bed and Jian thought it was even bigger than Isaac's. There was a door beside where he stood in the entrance, assumedly leading to a bathroom. His eyes went back to the bed, however; there was a little red box nestled amongst pillows. Curious, he padded over and opened it. Chocolates.

"The fuck?" he murmured, taking one out. He heard James chuckle from where he still stood at the foot of the bed. They were good chocolates, Jian decided, placing the box on one of the bedside tables.

"What do you think?" James asked him.

"Think it's weird." Jian replied and he shucked off his shoes before flopping onto the bed. "Nice bed." He said to the ceiling. Shortly after the words left his mouth, however, he felt a spark of anxiety because they were going to sleep beside each other tonight which was-- a lot.

James hummed. "Stayed in a hotel before?"

"D'you think?" Jian noticed the ceiling was textured and didn’t like it.

James let out a breath of laughter and Jian felt the bed dip beside him. "Still feel bad?"

Jian swallowed, eyes refusing to move from the ceiling. "Not sure."

"'Kay." James leant down to press a light kiss to his forehead before standing again. "I'm gonna use the bathroom."

Jian rolled over when he heard the bathroom door shut, before hopping off the bed and moving over to the sofa. He knelt on it, stomach against the back so he could gaze out at the city. They were quite high up; the cars and people buzzing about below looked small and a lot less real. He watched a man in a smart suit stumble on the pavement and thought about tonight.

His stomach went hot and tight and nerves started to squirm. He'd obviously been thinking about it but, now there was a realistic opportunity for sex, he found himself more nervous than excited. That annoyed him because he knew what he wanted.

He wondered what James thought. He'd said he didn't expect anything, but did he _want_ anything? Jian swallowed. That was a complicated one for him. Of course he wanted James to want him. Yet, the idea of it made him feel exposed and dirty. Maybe he wanted James to want him without properly _wanting_ him.

The bathroom door opened and closed again and Jian watched the empty office building opposite them.

"So," warm hands settled on his shoulders and he felt James's body press against his back. "do you wanna check out the pool, maybe? Then I was thinking we could go to the night market on Fletcher Street."

This position reminded Jian of one of his many wet dreams and he bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to move away, but the contact was nice. Shame rolled in his gut. "Didn't bring swimmin' stuff."

"That's okay, we can pick something up. There's a mall not far from here."

Jian frowned. "Don't wanna buy somethin' I don't need."

James groaned. "They're, like, ten dollars; I'll pay."

"Don't want you to."

"Of course you don't." James muttered. His hands fell away from Jian and he instead dropped beside him. "What _do_ you want?"

Jian sank down on the sofa to rest his chin on the back of it. He didn't reply.

"Jian?" James prompted after a moment, moving to brush a strand of hair back from Jian's temple.

Jian's heart jumped into his throat and he swallowed. "You said--" He kept his gaze on the office building. "-before, 'n the phone, you said you didn't-- expect 'nythin'." He swallowed again and didn't know why he was speaking. "But what-- is it- d'you--" He was getting more and more confused. "-what 'f I-- want... somethin'? S'that-- bad?"

The hand moved away from his face. "Something?" James asked and his tone was careful.

Jian didn't want to have to say it. Disgust reared its ugly head as soon as he opened his mouth. So he closed it and glanced at James, hoping to be granted with telepathy, just this once.

James's expression was serious. His eyes ran over Jian's face. "Sex?"

Jian clenched his jaw and broke eye-contact, deciding he'd made a mistake bringing this up.

James let out a breath through his nose. "Let's just go to the pool. I'll buy you trunks and you get me something next time."

Jian scowled, feeling dismissed even if he had wanted the subject to change. "You didn't-" He twisted to sit normally on the sofa. "-don't just-- I want..." He trailed off lamely.

James watched him with an unplaceable expression. "You want what?"

"I--" Jian tried and now he felt embarrassed too. "-what d' _you_ want?"

James looked just on the edge of angry. "I want to go to the pool."

Jian scowled deeper, frustration tugging in his chest. "I don't-- what about-" He swallowed. "-me? You don't want-- me?"

"Jian." he said and it sounded like a warning. 

Jian didn't _understand_. "I can--" He could what? "-I'll do whatever you want." He said, feeling dirty and juvenile. But he wanted to know. He wanted to know _how_ James wanted him.

A muscle in James's jaw twitched and Jian's heart sank. "Don't say that." James muttered, looking to the side.

Jian wondered what else he expected. What else could happen? Apart from him fucking up and making James angry? Nothing else, of course; Jian was destined to ruin even the simplest of situations. He was destined to make a mess of everything and cause-

"It's not that I don't want to, Jian." James broke the silence that had built between them. His tone was gentler now. "Of course I want to." He breathed and Jian thought maybe feeling disappointed was more manageable than whatever _this_ was. "But I don't think it's a good idea."

Jian scowled at him. "Why not?"

"You're so..." James paused, apparently hesitant to pick a word. "I think you need a bit more time."

Jian didn't understand why he thought that. "But I _want_ -"

"-we don't always get what we want." James cut him off and he was drifting from gentle again. "It's not happening. Drop it."

Jian slid down on the couch and felt like shit.

James sighed. "C'mon." He stood up. "Let's go get some swimming gear."

Jian bit his lip and followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo uh i hv question, is my writing too longwinded? honest feedback on if i should cut down would be awesome, i struggle w editing lmao. thanks for reading fellas n happy holidays ;^]


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian couldn't help it. He flicked a tiny amount of water in his face and muttered, "Stop doin' that."

The pool was a long, indoor one. It was empty, thankfully, and very well lit; the entire right wall being a window. There was a spa bubbling away at the back, too.

"You swim competitively?" James asked from behind him and Jian turned back.

He immediately regretted this, because James was casually stripping off his shirt. Jian felt his ears go hot and knew they'd be visibly pink. And yet, he didn't look away. James's chest was - without fear of exaggerating - most definitely sculpted by the gods. He was quietly muscular; toned. The skin looked smooth and warm and Jian wanted to touch. There were a couple of moles dotted here and there; a pair sitting just below his left ribs and Jian never knew he found that attractive. His eyes slipped down and he wanted to be hit by a lorry. Below James's belly button, light hair began, getting thicker little by little the closer it got to his waistband. And Jian just stared at it. He wanted to trail his fingers through it. He wanted-

"Jian?" James interrupted and Jian almost forgot to feel embarrassed.

He looked back to James's face, unsurprised to find soft amusement playing there. "What?"

James dropped his shirt on a nearby pool chair. "Do you swim competitively?"

Jian absently lifted his fingers to his tank top, nodding. "Do a few 'nter-schools 'n'," His fingers twisted in the hem and for some reason he didn't want to take it off. "Then there's four others we usually do, dependin' 'n qualifyin'."

"And you usually qualify?"

Jian swallowed. He didn't know why he was so unwilling to take off his shirt. He played basketball shirtless every other lunchtime at school. "Usually."

James nodded and his eyes dropped from Jian's face, down to where he was still fiddling with his hem. "You okay?" He asked and there was no longer any amusement, only simple sincerity.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and moved to the chair James had dropped his shirt on. "Fine." He muttered because now he was frustrated with himself. Still biting his cheek, he stripped off his top, dropped it and went straight to the pool, jumping in.

It wasn't as cold as he'd expected; the hotel no doubt kept it a comfortable temperature for guests. He stayed underwater for as long as possible and told himself he wasn't hiding. It was at the far end of the pool that he surfaced, touching the wall.

"Is it cold?" James asked from the other end.

That made Jian snort. He pushed wet hair off his face and swiped water out of his eyes. This end was too deep for him to stand. "You scared?"

James laughed and answered him by jumping in.

Jian ducked back underwater.

When he surfaced, he found himself a little too close to James and quickly dropped back. James's lips twitched and Jian appreciated how he looked with wet hair pushed haphazardly back.

"Race me." James said.

Jian blinked at him. "'Kay."

"You have to do your worst stroke and I'll do my best."

Jian scowled. "S'not fair."

"Baby, you train twice a week. Last time I swam was about a year ago."

Jian just clicked his tongue and looked to the side. "S'your best stroke?"

"Freestyle." James said. "S'your worst?"

"Breaststroke." Jian muttered.

James grinned. "Okay. First to do two laps."

Jian nodded and they both swam to the front of the pool. Each put his hand on the wall and Jian looked to James for some indicator to start. Said indicator came in the form of a _three, two, one, go_ before they were both pushing off.

He found it a little odd swimming without goggles and with loose trunks. But he liked it; it felt low-pressure and casual for once.

James - perhaps unsurprisingly given the man had no apparent faults - was a strong swimmer. Jian didn't generally pay much attention to other swimmers while racing, but he could feel James beside him. He might have been upset; it was as James said, Jian practised twice a week, James did not and yet here they were, neck and neck. But he wasn't. His chest was buzzing and tight because this was _fun_.

He won - by a fraction of a _fraction_ of a second- and couldn't help laughing, one hand on the wall, the other wiping water from his face. James wasn't laughing, just smiling. Smiling in that quiet, soft sort of way that Jian had come to understand was fondness; affection. For Jian.

"You're good." James told him, leaning his elbows on the edge of the pool.

Jian snorted and shook his head, a bit too happy to reject the compliment right now.

"What's your strongest stroke then?" James asked.

"Butterfly." Jian told him. "S'also m' favourite."

"Butterfly." James repeated, as if thinking about it. "Isn't that the hardest one?"

Jian shrugged, gliding back through the water a bit. "I like that it's hard." He leant back to look at the high ceiling. "Like the feelin'."

He heard James push off the wall and come beside him. "How far can you swim non-stop butterfly?" He asked and, as he kicked through the water, Jian felt their legs brush.

Jian subtly shifted away, moving upright again. "Somethin' 'round two-fifty, but it ain't so fast 'n the last bits."

"Still impressive." James told him.

"S'just practice." Jian told him, because it was.

James just hummed in response, wearing that affectionate smile again.

Jian couldn't help it. He flicked a tiny amount of water in his face and muttered, "Stop doin' that."

James snorted, paddling away in fear of another attack. "Doing what?"

Jian didn't know. "Lookin' at-- with that fuckin'-- smile."

James let out another snort. "You want me to stop smiling at you?"

Jian scowled. "Yeah. Makes m' feel--" What? "-s'too much."

James sighed and looked up to the ceiling briefly. "Jian," He began and it was both soft and firm. There was another sigh before his eyes found Jian's again. "I want to be affectionate with you. But I can't do that if you pull away."

Jian swallowed. "Ain't pulling away." He said because he didn't think he was.

James looked at him. "Just... relax, okay? When I compliment you, don't brush it off; when I look at you, don't look away; when I make you feel something, let me see."

Jian wasn't sure how to answer. "I-- don't-" He broke eye-contact to swallow again. "-I don't know how." He admitted because he was new to this and it was all very hard.

"That's okay." James accepted. "It will get easier, but please try?"

Jian nodded once, eyes on the flowing surface of the pool. "Will try."

"Okay." James softly said. And then Jian got a face-full of water, accompanied by a snort. "Payback."

Jian scoffed and what else could he do but retaliate?

From a splashing match, it quickly dissolved into some sort of wrestling match, broken with bouts of laughter and various exclamations. James, Jian thought, had an unfair advantage with his being bigger and stronger than him. On the flip side, Jian was far more agile. Regardless, he believed he was losing, coming to the conclusion as he was dunked for maybe the 7th time; this time after being caught by the waist and thrown over James's shoulder.

He kicked James as he surfaced and James reached for him. He circled around in order to get behind him. He wasn't sure, exactly, what his goal with this was, but he felt safer. Thus, he wrapped legs around James's back and put his arms over his shoulders in a piggyback fashion. James laughed and stilled, glancing to the side. His cheek brushed Jian's nose.

"What's the strategy here?" he asked, breaths coming out in quiet, happy pants.

Jian's breathing was also uneven; he also wore a smile. "'M gonna strangle you."

James laughed. "Well, damn."

Jian snorted quietly, feeling his adrenalin simmer down. He became aware of how warm James was. How his toned back was flush against Jian's chest, how Jian's legs were wrapped tight around his waist. He swallowed and let go. "Think I'll let you live f'r now."

James let out a breath of laughter, turning to face him. "How merciful."

"You're welcome." Jian told him, lying to float on his back.

He heard James let out another breath of amusement before there were some splashes and Jian assumed he'd dived underwater. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the warped sounds that came with his ears half-submerged.

At first, he'd hated being underwater. He had a vivid memory of crying at his first swim lesson. He'd asked his dad why he didn't want him anymore. His dad had laughed and wrapped him in a hug. Jian didn't remember what he'd said, but he remembered feeling warm and safe all of a sudden. His dad then came into the water with him and Jian remembered watching him move about with such ease and wanting to be just as good. His dad had come to nearly all of his lessons and they always got snacks afterward, taking the long way home.

Jian naturally found immense comfort in water now.

They moved to the spa after a decent while and Jian thought about his dad again as he followed James. He'd thought about it countless times before and he _knew_ his dad would have supported him. He might not have supported _this_ , but he would have supported his son.

James sat in the corner and Jian sat beside him. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sudden warmth. James dropped an arm over his shoulder, tugging him closer and letting out a soft sigh.

Jian was sure his dad already knew, looking back. Maybe before Jian himself did. He remembered once, his parents were arguing. It had been about Jian's dance lessons when he was 7. Or, more specifically, the newly appointed teacher. He'd supposedly been gay and Jian's mother could think of nothing worse than Jian interacting with such a person.

Jian remembered sitting in front of the TV with a chocolate pudding cup and listening to his mother say Jian was too impressionable. His dad had been angry. It was one of the few memories Jian even had of him angry. He had asked his wife what she meant; why she cared about some stranger's private life; why she was bringing Jian into it as if anything would make him less of their son. He remembered his mum muttering something under her breath, before going to their bedroom and slamming the door. He remembered his father had stood in the kitchen and sighed. And then, he remembered his dad dropping beside Jian on the sofa and stealing some of his pudding.

There had been another time. It was when Jian was 9 and was far more telling. He and his dad were sitting in the park after one of Jian's swim lessons. Jian had been telling him about Chen Maoxiu. He'd told him how cool and fast and strong and kind and handsome he was. He'd even told his dad he liked Maoxiu more than his mum, which had made his dad laugh.

He obviously didn't realise the full extent of what he'd been saying at that point, but he remembered watching his dad's soft and smiling face as he'd nodded along. He remembered his dad putting a hand on Jian's head when his excited ramblings had come to an end and telling him Chen Maoxiu seemed very great indeed. He'd then told Jian not to tell his mum, in case she felt sad about Jian liking someone more than her.

He wondered what would happen if his dad were still here and he came out to both his parents. His mother would be repulsed and his father would not. But he wondered if that would break them; if his being the way he was would cause such a gaping fracture between them that no amount of sticky tape would be able to fix it. Was it better, then, that it never worked out that way?

But if Jian was only allowed one of his parents, part of him wished it could have been his father.

It made him sick.

"Jian?" came softly from beside him.

Jian opened his eyes. James was watching him with a gentle expression. "Mn?" He wondered if he was allowed to lean his head on James's shoulder.

James lifted his hand to brush Jian's temple. "How many years of school d'you have left?" The hand scratched through wet strands behind Jian's ear. "Just next year, right?"

Jian wanted to close his eyes again because it felt so nice. "Mn."

"You know where you're going for uni?" James's eyes were trained on his hand as he continued idly moving fingers.

"Emerwich." Jian told him.

"That's good. Close." James smiled and Jian's heart skipped a beat. "You'll study dance?"

"Mn." slowly - slow enough that James could say _no_ \- Jian leant his head on James's shoulder. "Did you study?"

James's hand moved up to his hair and just rested there. "International business."

"S'that mean?"

James's hand began to move languidly again. "It means I studied business skills in an international context. I really think it'll bore you."

Jian scowled. "Try me."

James snorted and he gently tugged a strand of Jian's hair. "Okay. Wanna hear about how changing foreign economies affect a business's internal strategy?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek.

James snorted again. His hand brushed Jian's forehead. "So, to begin with, economic factors that commonly affect businesses include things like demand and supply, interest rates, inflation, et cetera." He paused and fingers traced the shell of Jian's ear. "Economic environments are inherently dynamic, which means no business can escape being affected. So, in terms of maximising profits-"

"-okay." Jian cut him off. "Fuckin' made your point, shut up."

"You don't even try to speak nicely, hm?" his hand slid down to Jian's shoulder where it rested.

Jian sat up. "S'habit." He said. "Sides, s'just words."

James watched him pensively. "Just words?" He repeated. "You use the N word?"

Jian squinted at him. "No. S'completely different."

"I know." James told him. "I'm just highlighting the double standard."

"You swear too." Jian argued. "You tell me not to, but you do it. Same thing."

James sighed. "It's not the same. I swear when it's appropriate. And I never told you _not_ to swear, but to swear less."

Jian continued to scowl. "I don't 'nderstand the fuckin' problem."

James raised flat eyebrows. "The _fuckin'_ problem, Jian, is it shows a lack of discipline-"

"-'f I wanted a fuckin' lecture 'n discipline, I'd ask m' fuckin' mum." he set his jaw and looked away.

"Okay." James murmured and the hand around Jian's shoulder was lifted away. "It doesn't matter to me. Swear as much as you like."

Jian couldn't work out if James was angry or not. Regardless, he felt like he was in the wrong. Which he didn't understand because he _wasn't_.

"Let's go back?" James asked after a moment.

Jian glanced at him. He considered briefly telling James to go without him, before deciding he'd killed the mood enough already and giving a small nod.

* * *

Jian had only a brief shower; quickly scrubbed fancy soap over his body and smelly shampoo through his hair. When he shut off the tap and stepped out, he scowled. His clothes were outside the bathroom. He should have brought them in with him. The mirror was all steamy and he drew an angry face on it, then pulled a fluffy towel from the rack and dried himself before tying it around his waist. He hung his swimming trunks up to dry, as if stalling, then grit his teeth and exited.

James had changed into the jeans and shirt he'd been wearing earlier; a simple maroon one which stretched nicely over the expanse of his chest. His feet were bare. He was sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard as he frowned at his phone. Looking up at Jian, his expression shifted imperceptibly and Jian wanted him to look away.

He crossed to his bag and pulled on his boxer briefs, so he could let the towel drop. He felt James's eyes on him the whole time and wished he would go take his shower. Pulling on his sweats, he wondered if this was what James meant, earlier, with _you need a bit more time_. Jian wanted, he wanted so badly it sometimes hurt. Yet here he was, under James's hot gaze and he didn't like it. It didn't make sense.

He almost sighed in relief when James finally moved to the bathroom.

He flopped onto the bed when dressed. With his face in a pillow, he wondered - James aside - if he'd even be able to sleep on a bed so lush. Rolling over, his eyes landed on the balcony.

It was only a little one, with a glass railing and two chairs on each side of a small table. It was around 5 o'clock and the city was starting to shine.

Strangely, he thought of his mother.

She'd love a view like this and Jian felt sick. He leant on the railing. If he weren't gay, he thought he would like his mum a whole lot more. She could be superficial, judgmental and strongly opinionated, but she was also kind, fun-loving and thoughtful.

Jian thought he'd be able to handle her prejudices - contest them, even - if only he weren't a part of them. If only there wasn't always something in the back of his head making him feel filthy and wrong when he was around her; if only there wasn't a voice telling him he was lying to her, hiding a nasty secret; if only he felt _at ease_ around her, then they might just be closer.

It seemed strange to him that he only had one mum. That they'd lived together for over 16 years but that she barely knew him. And Jian barely knew her. He didn't know much about her childhood. He didn't know much about her family. He didn't even know her fears or hopes. He only had one mum and she was more of a flatmate than anything.

And yet, he loved her very much. It was all very complicated.

He didn't hear the door slide open behind him, so startled when a warm arm slipped around his waist.

James chuckled. "Sorry."

Jian swallowed. "S'fine."

James smelt like shampoo, soap and warmth. "Nice view, huh?"

"S'fine." he repeated. Thinking of his mum had taken him right back to feeling awful.

"Are you hungry?" James asked.

"No." he wanted to go back inside but he didn't want James to stop touching him.

"Tired?"

"Bit."

"You wanna do the market next time?" the hand at his waist slid to the small of his back.

"S'okay." Jian mumbled and pushed off the railing. "Just maybe later."

"Sure." James agreed easily. "There's time." The hand fell away from Jian's back and he bit the inside of his cheek.

He went back inside.

James followed, after a moment, and looked at Jian flopped on the bed as he slid the door shut. Jian could feel him looking and continued to stare at the ceiling.

James inhaled very lightly. "Do you..." He crossed to the bed. "want to talk now?"

Jian did not. Everything was too tangled. James would just think he was immature and stupid.

James sat by his hip. Warm fingers brushed Jian's stomach and his entire body flushed and tensed before James simply pulled the hem of Jian's shirt down, where it had ridden up.

Jian swallowed. "I feel--" He stopped and didn't continue because it really was too hard.

James was quiet. He lifted Jian's hand into his lap and Jian glanced over. James started idly playing with his fingers.

Jian swallowed again. "I know you told me--" He tried to cast his mind back to when they were in James's car after the aquarium. When James had said all those nice things. "-you said I's-- worth your time or-- we're 'n the same wavelength."

James hummed, fingers running over Jian's palm.

Jian watched the languid movements. "I don't--" He tried to find a coherent thought. "-when 'm by m'self s'like--" He looked away from their hands. "-I can't-" He felt like he was digging himself into a hole. "-but even when we're t'gether sometimes, I--" He bit his lip and focused on James's gentle touch. "-I don't wanna sound 'nsecure 'n' needy 'n' fuckin'-- like I need you t'-- validate me." He said. "But at the same time," He swallowed, eyes dropping back to where James was now playing with Jian's knuckles. "I can't-- don't 'nderstand- I feel-- real shitty." He finished and knew it wasn't at all helpful.

James's hand stilled. He sighed, ever so lightly. "Listen, baby." He started. "I think... you just have to let yourself feel whatever you're feeling." He said. "I understand it's confusing and frustrating. But this is new to you." He paused and brushed his thumb over the inside of Jian's wrist. "I don't want to dismiss whatever's going on, but the first time is always gonna be scary." His eyes flicked up from where he'd been watching his fingers. "With time, you'll grow more confident in this relationship." His eyebrows knitted slightly. "But I don't like it when you shut me out. Because I'm guessing that's what this past week was, when you didn't answer my calls or texts."

Jian opened his mouth, whether to contest or explain, he wasn't sure.

Regardless, he didn't get the chance. "I understand if you want space but it's different if you have other problems. If you have doubts or insecurities, you need to tell me, Jian. I can't help otherwise."

Jian's chest was all tight and he didn't know what the emotion was. He tugged his hand away from James and sat up. "But I _don't know_." He said and suddenly there was a lump in his throat.

James watched him. "Don't know what?"

Jian set his jaw and looked away. "Last week, it--" He started. "-last week, s'like I got thinkin' 'n' then ev'rythin'-- stopped." He bit his lip and glanced at James, hoping he was making sense.

Apparently not. James tilted his head. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"

Jian's mind short-circuited. No one had ever called him that before and he'd never wanted them to. He'd always found it a cringey endearment. But coming from James, Jian couldn't remember hearing a nicer word. He looked away and tried to regain focus. "I's thinkin' 'bout-- how you'll stop likin' me soon. 'N' after that it- 'n' I couldn't talk t' you, cos you'd just--" He lost his train of thought but continued anyway because James was patiently waiting to understand. "-'n' then it was ev'rythin'. I couldn't spend time with m' friends cos they're too bright 'n' bein' 'round m' mum made me feel _sick_. 'N' there's this massive fuckin' thing they don't know 'bout me. 'N' they'd hate it. 'N' _I_ hate it. But I _can't_ change, I--" His eyes went hot and wet and he scowled. "-'n' it's so _fucked up_ 'n m' head. But I- I want-" He tried to blink the growing wetness away. "-I want t' be with you."

James was quiet and Jian risked looking at him. His face held a concentrated edge and he just watched Jian for a moment. And then, "C'mere." came softly and he opened his arms, patting a thigh in the process.

Jian looked at the invitation and hesitated. It didn't take him very long, though, to shuffle onto James's lap. He tucked his face against the crook of his neck and felt James's arms close around him. One slid firmly into his hair, the other slid down his back.

It was quiet and warm and Jian closed his eyes. He could feel James's chest move with his breathing. He smelt clean, with just a hint of leftover cologne stuck to his clothes.

"You don't need to figure anything out." James broke the silence. "But don't shut me out."

Jian could barely do that with Desmond.

"Okay?" James pushed.

"'Kay."

Jian lost time when James's fingers started threading through the strands of his hair. Warmth flooded through him, accompanied by a safe sort of drowsiness. His chest ached very absently and he wondered if he should examine it. But there was also a pleasant tightness in his gut and he decided to focus on that instead.

This was nice.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James's lips twitched once Jian was settled. He lifted his hand and brushed a thumb across Jian's cheekbone. "When you want something," He started, eyes trailing the movements of his thumb. "you have to ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lads get a lil frisky

James's chest vibrated as he breathed out a soft laugh. "Baby?" It was murmured; Jian almost missed it.

He frowned into James's neck, not ready to move.

"Jian, hey." James's thigh shifted beneath him and he gave another tiny laugh. "Babe, my leg's numb."

Jian clicked his tongue and sat up.

James's eyes danced with amusement. "Get off."

Jian snorted and obliged, sliding off and crawling up the bed in order to collapse in some other, less comfy place.

He heard James stand behind him. "Sure you still wanna do the market?" James asked. "Seem wiped."

Jian shook his head against the pillow.

"No?" James asked. "No, you don't; or no, you do?"

Jian wasn't sure. He rolled over. "'M hungry."

James laughed. "Are you?" He moved to the foot of the bed and unzipped his bag. "You wanna eat something and see how you feel afterwards?" He pulled out his MacBook.

Jian frowned. "Got somethin' t' do?"

James placed it on the desk. "Nothing major." He answered. "Did you want food or not?"

Jian sat up. "You hungry?"

James glanced at Jian. "No." Jian scowled and James huffed out a laugh, going back to his MacBook and tapping in his password. "Just because I'm not, doesn't mean you can't eat."

"I can wait." Jian said, moving to sit cross-legged.

"If you're hungry, eat." James sighed. "It's simple baby." He glanced at Jian again. "Menu's on the night table."

Jian looked over and spotted it. He bit the inside of his cheek, before crawling over to retrieve it.

It was stupidly fancy; written in a pretentious font using made-up words like _sumptuous_ , _curated_ and _artisanal_. The cheapest meal was French onion soup and it was still absurdly pricey. At the other end of the scale was:

"Seared ten- tenderloin with better-- butter pok- poached lobster tail." Jian read, his nose scrunched. 54 dollars. "Fuck off."

James tutted softly.

"Porcini rubbed Del- Delmonico? With twelve-year aged blas- balsamic." Jian continued, still disgusted. His eyes flicked over to James. He was frowning lightly at his laptop and Jian realised he was used to this. He was used to sumptuous, curated, artisanal food. He was used to 12-year aged, 50-fucking-dollar meals. He looked back to the menu. "What's Delmonico?"

James began to type. "Steak. Thick-cut." He paused typing and looked over. "New York strip steak." His lips twitched before he looked back to his work. "The lobster sounded good."

Jian ignored him and shut the menu. "'M havin' a cheeseburger." Third cheapest, coming in at a thrifty 28 dollars; a true steal.

"You like your burgers, huh?" James hummed, one hand coming to rest under his chin as he continued to focus on his work.

Jian set his jaw.

"Gonna call them?" James asked after a moment.

Jian frowned. "Call who?"

James laughed, pushing back from the desk and finally turning to face Jian. "Room service."

Jian felt a muted wave of embarrassment; he'd never done this before, of course he didn't know how it all worked. "How?"

James breathed out a chuckle and stood up. "The phone right next to you, baby." He crossed over and picked it up, holding it out for Jian. "Press one for room service, see?" His finger hovered over the key-pad. Printed underneath the number one was a neat _room service_.

Jian looked at the phone. "'S'it like drive-through?"

James laughed. "I guess."

Jian wasn't sure if James was laughing _at_ him or not. He bit the inside of his cheek. "You do it."

James sighed, but there was amusement underneath. "Alright." He picked up the discarded menu and ran lazy eyes over it. "Want anything else?"

"Yeah, the lobster with truffles 'n' caviar 'n' dry aged fuckin'-- sirloin."

James laughed again; smooth and deep.

Jian actually flushed at the sound. Ridiculous.

"Sure thing."

He was still smiling as he dialled and held the phone to his ear. Jian thought it was slightly unfair how an ordinarily _extra_ ordinarily handsome man got even more handsome with a simple smile.

"Hey, yeah, can I get the signature cheeseburger?" James spoke into the phone and Jian could just make out the sound of a lady on the other end. James nodded to the wall, his free hand coming to rest at his hip. "No that's- actually, some apple juice too." The lady's muffled voice sounded again and James gave another nod. "Yeah, that'd be great." James eyed the bedside table. "Sure, thank you." Finally, the phone was put down.

James found Jian's eyes and smiled. "Easy."

"Apple juice?" Jian asked.

"You like apple juice, yeah?" James replied, returning to the desk.

Jian swallowed. He wasn't sure why that made his gut pang. "Thanks." He wasn't sure if it was a good or bad pang.

"Mmhm." James accepted, focusing back on his work.

Jian watched him and didn't know what to do now.

He lay back on the bed and wondered what people usually did in hotels. Sleep, of course; eat, perhaps; and fuck, probably. Jian glanced at James; work, too. But what else? He looked back to the ceiling.

He wasn't generally prone to boredom and he wasn't sure that's what this was. He didn't know what else it could be. He felt antsy. Like he needed to _do_ something. But he couldn't think what that might be. He glanced at James again and wondered how long he'd be. He rolled over, onto his stomach, and found a comfy nook between two pillows. He didn't want to bug James, so he'd have to entertain himself. He closed his eyes, listening to the tidy clicks of James's typing.

He lasted barely a minute before moving once more; pushing up onto his knees. He scowled at the headboard, glanced at James yet again and bit his lip.

"What's up?" James suddenly asked, not looking away from his work.

Jian blinked.

James's fingers slowed as he tapped out a last sentence before looking over. "Jian?"

Jian's restlessness abruptly relaxed. He swallowed. "What?"

James raised his eyebrows. "You're being very loud."

Jian was confused. "Didn't say 'nythin'."

James's lips twitched. "You keep fidgeting."

Jian looked to the side. "Sorry. I'll..." He glanced back. "stop."

"It's alright." James told him and then his focus returned to his computer.

Jian's gut sank and his jitters returned.

Oh.

It wasn't boredom. He wanted attention. _James's_ attention. Feeling childish, and a little embarrassed, he slid off the bed and moved to the sofa.

It was perpendicular to the desk and Jian just watched the screen fill with words for god knows how long. He then let his eyes follow James's fingers and chewed his lip. The fingers stopped. Jian frowned.

"Jian?"

Jian flicked his eyes up to find James watching him. His jitters jittered a bit quieter. "Yeah?"

James continued to watch him. "You okay?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. He didn't want to be clingy. He'd never been aware he even was; he was generally very self-sustaining. He gazed at James's screen and considered his response. "Nearly finished?" He hoped his tone didn't give anything away.

James let out a quiet breath of amusement. "Cute." He murmured, almost inaudibly.

Jian scowled and straightened up. "'Xcuse me?"

James outright laughed this time, shifting attention back to his work in order to save. "I'll finish tomorrow." He said, shutting the laptop lid.

Jian swallowed and opened his mouth to somehow answer when a series of knocks stopped him.

"Room service!"

"I got it." James murmured, standing and moving over.

Jian watched from his spot on the sofa as a man in a crisp, red waistcoat pushed a trolley into the room. He was young-ish and handsome but nothing next to James. They exchanged a few meaningless words and the man stopped the trolley at the foot of the bed. His eyes found Jian.

"Oh." he said and Jian clenched his jaw. "Hello."

Jian didn't respond.

The man looked to James briefly, before he was focused back on Jian. "Are you new?"

Jian didn't know what the fuck he was on about.

He stepped back and smiled, addressing James when he said, "Very pretty. Enjoy."

James didn't reply and Jian - still hopelessly confused - watched a muscle in his jaw jump.

The man retreated to the door, but paused with his hand on the handle. "If you need anything else," He said and now he was speaking directly to Jian. "I'm working all night."

Jian must be missing something. He nodded slowly.

The man _winked_. "Have a good night."

The door clicked shut behind him and Jian stood, moving over to inspect his overpriced dinner. "Fuckin' weirdo."

James didn't say anything.

The burger was small, with a posh little salad on the side. "What's _new_ mean?" Jian asked, reaching for the plate and juice to take back to the sofa.

James watched him. "What do you think it means?"

Jian set his juice on the floor, before sitting cross-legged and resting the plate on his lap. "Dunno." He said. "Why d'you think 'm askin'?"

James continued to watch him and Jian began to think he wasn't going to answer. And then, "He thought you were an escort."

Jian didn't know what that meant. He picked a piece of cucumber from the salad. "Like a... guide?"

James snorted, though it wasn't exactly amused. "No." He came over and dropped beside Jian on the couch. "He thought you were a prostitute."

Jian broke out coughing, the cucumber going down the wrong way. When recovered, he managed a weak, "What?"

James sighed, leaning back. "Think about it." He started, looking at Jian. "You work at a high-end hotel which provides an escort service. The clientele are largely wealthy, married businessmen. You deliver room service to one such client. It's evening. In his room, you find a pretty, young boy. What conclusion do you draw?"

Jian felt his ears burn and looked away. He poked another piece of cucumber, then chewed his lip. "'N' that's what..." He swallowed, staring at his food. "he-- working all night-- was he..."

"Flirting." James finished for him. "Yeah."

"Oh." Jian wasn't sure how he was meant to feel about that. No one had flirted with him before.

James watched him for a moment. "Think he was handsome?"

Jian threw him a flat look, picking up a piece of lettuce.

James just raised his eyebrows, waiting.

Jian ate his leaf, unwilling to put it plainly. "S'hard t' tell."

It was James's turn to wear a flat look. "What? You don't have eyes?"

Jian set his jaw and looked away. "S'not--" He swallowed. "-you're-- handsome." It was horribly inelegant.

James snorted. "I'm aware." He drawled. "But that's not what I was asking."

Jian swallowed, glancing at him. "You're--" His gut twisted. Was James... "-angry with me?"

"No." James said.

Jian didn't believe him and looked back to his burger. That made it easier to mumble, "S'hard t' tell cos he was standin' next t' you." he nibbled a piece of radish. "S'like. The moon versus the stars."

James was quiet again.

Jian worried he'd made him even angrier. Stomach knotting, he flicked his eyes back up.

And James was-- _smiling_.

It was a very small smile. But something about it made Jian's entire body flush. "The moon versus the stars?" James repeated, head cocking. "How poetic."

Jian glared at him. "Shut the fuck up." He muttered.

James sighed. "I'll forgive you for talking to me like that," He started, "because you just compared me to the moon." his eyes dropped to Jian's mouth for a split-second before he looked away. "But don't swear at me again."

Jian was sure the correct emotion here was remorse. Yet for some reason, he was feeling a mixture of embarrassed, frustrated and turned on. It wasn't an enjoyable mix, by any means. "Said you didn't care how much I sweared."

"Swore." James corrected. "I did say that. But don't swear _at me_."

Jian swallowed. He picked up his burger. "Sorry."

"This is what I mean, by the way." James told him. "When I tell you not to pull away from affection. I don't want you to say something sweet then not allow me to have a positive reaction."

"I..." Jian started.

James shook his head. "It's fine baby. Just think about it."

Jian nodded.

He took a big bite of his burger.

It was fucking _divine_. Maybe even worth what James paid for it. The beef was lightly charred, giving it a nice crisp edge, the grilled onion melded with the cheese and the bun was toasted perfectly. Jian let out a quiet noise. One which could debatably be classified as a moan. It was a little messy; he felt sauce dribbling down his wrist and ducked down to catch it with his tongue. He knew it was gross, but this burger was so good he didn't want to risk losing any of it.

James made a noise. "Good?"

Jian shot him a smile. "So good." He held the burger out. "Wanna try?"

James's eyes dropped to it. "No, thanks."

Jian wasn't going to ask again and went for a second bite.

James let out a breath of amusement and lifted a hand to brush some of Jian's hair back. "So messy."

Jian swallowed. "Not usually."

James hummed, hand coming to rest at the side of Jian's neck.

Soon enough, more sauce escaped the burger and dribbled down Jian's arm. He made a noise of displeasure and licked it up again.

"Baby..." James said and it sounded like both a plea and complaint.

Jian looked up, expecting James to be watching in distaste. Upon finding his expression more tense than anything else he paused, straightening up. He didn't understand the expression, but felt the need to defend himself anyway. "S'not 'n purpose." He said, looking back to his burger. "S'just a lotta sauce. I'll wash m' hands when 'm done."

"Okay." James murmured and he stood up, running a hand over his hair. He watched Jian for a moment and Jian couldn't read him. "Glad you're enjoying it." He said. "I'm gonna... get some fresh air."

Jian nodded. He imagined it was very unpleasant watching him eat.

He finished the burger soon after the door slid shut behind James and took a minute to mourn, before licking his fingers and putting his plate on the floor. He then had a quick sip of juice before going to clean up.

He had sauce on his cheek and chin and snorted at his reflection, turning the tap on and using a generous amount of soap to wash off all the grease.

Once done, he grabbed his juice and joined James outside.

"Thanks." he mumbled, sitting on the chair across from James.

"You're welcome." James smiled. "Never seen someone enjoy a burger so much."

Jian snorted and rolled his eyes, delicately setting his glass on the table between them. He looked out at the twinkling city.

"Hotels aren't so bad, huh?" James asked.

Jian made an ambiguous noise. He still found the grandeur of everything a bit much. "You stay 'n a lot 'f them?"

"For work."

The room service man entered Jian's head. "Been t' this one before?" He asked, looking back to James.

James hummed. "Once or twice."

Jian chewed the inside of his cheek, scratching his glass. He wasn't upset by the thought, not exactly, he just wanted to know. "How'd you know 'bout the-- escort thing they do?"

James looked at him.

Jian set his jaw and broke eye-contact. "'M not allowed t' ask?"

"I didn't say that."

"You look--" Jian glanced at him. "-'nhappy."

James sighed. "I'm just surprised," He said. "that I strike you as the kind of person who pays for sex."

Jian swallowed and eyed the balcony floor.

"It's on their website." James told him. "Under the list of services they provide. That's how I knew."

"Okay." Jian picked his glass back up and just held it. He bit his lip. "But you didn't stay here f'r work."

"Didn't I?"

Jian gnawed the inside of his lip, looking back up. James's face was neutral, though it held an edge of something Jian didn't know. "I mean," He started, "you'd never need t' stay here f'r work."

James tilted his head to the side. "Are you jealous?"

Jian swallowed. "No."

"But it upsets you." James said, watching Jian in a way that was almost critical. "That I brought other men here."

Jian felt his stomach lurch as it was spelled out to him. He scowled. "'M not supposed t' feel upset?"

"You're supposed to feel whatever you feel." James said, breaking eye-contact to look out over the city. "Though I don't think I'd like it if you weren't."

"You _want_ me t' be upset?"

James sighed, looking back. "I didn't say that-"

"-you-"

"-I said I wouldn't _like_ it, if you weren't." he ran his eyes over Jian's face. "You don't like the idea of me being with other men, that shows a certain level of devotion." He said and Jian looked away, feeling himself flush. "I like that." He paused. "Jian, look at me."

Reluctantly, Jian complied.

James smiled, barely the corners of his mouth, yet his eyes remained serious. "I don't like the idea of you with other guys, either." He said. "It goes both ways."

Jian swallowed.

James sighed. "The other guys I've been with-"

Jian didn't particularly want to hear. "-James-"

"-baby, listen."

Jian set his jaw and looked at his apple juice.

"I've never had a proper relationship with another man." he said and Jian's heart stopped. "At least not one that's lasted more than a few months. The other guys I've been with were mainly for sex. I feel different with you." He told Jian. "I want you to remember that when you're feeling insecure."

Jian's head spun and his heart threatened to burst from his chest.

James let out a quiet laugh. "So," He said, breaking the tense atmosphere. "still keen on the night market?"

Jian was more than relieved for the change. "A bit-- tired." Today had been a lot.

James hummed. "Next time then." He threw Jian a devastating smile. "We'll just watch a movie?"

Jian wondered once again what the distinction between liking someone and loving them was. When could you tell?

Feeling very warm, he gave James a small nod and even smaller smile.

Had Jian ever been in love?

Quite possibly.

* * *

There were only a few options on the hotel's TV and they settled on a channel marathoning the _Harry Potter_ films. While Lockhart lost his memory, James's dinner came (some stupidly fancy vegetable medley). Jian had asked if he could try some of his beer and James had said no.

Now, they were half-way through the third film and Jian was finding it hard to concentrate. He wanted to kiss James and the fact he was cuddled against him, surrounded by his warmth and scent, didn't help matters.

He watched the screen with unfocused eyes. He didn't understand the timing of these things - kisses and gentle touches. James always knew what was appropropriate when. But maybe that was because Jian always wanted it. If he were to kiss James, would the timing be good? The thought of getting it wrong was scarier than the promise of getting it right.

James's fingers moved lazily through Jian's hair, as they had been doing for the past half-hour. "What d'you think of these movies?"

Jian watched Fred and George finish each other's sentences. "They're okay."

James hummed.

Jian took his lower lip into his mouth.

"It's kinda crazy how big they are."

Jian nodded. James's hand slipped down to rest at his neck. It was hot against Jian's skin and he wondered if James was affected at all by the simple touch. His teeth sank deeper into his lip.

"Jian?"

Jian watched the marauder's map move. "Mn?"

The hand at his neck was moved away. "C'mere."

Jian looked over, heart jumping into his throat. "You want me t'..."

James snorted softly. "Yeah." He gestured for Jian to move into his lap.

Hesitantly, Jian sat up. He swallowed. Then bit the inside of his cheek and straddled him.

James's lips twitched once Jian was settled. He lifted his hand and brushed a thumb across Jian's cheekbone. "When you want something," He started, eyes trailing the movements of his thumb. "you have to ask."

Jian felt himself flush.

James's thumb slipped down his cheek, pausing at the corner of Jian's mouth. He lifted his eyes to meet Jian's. "What do you want, Jian?"

Jian really would rather not say. He broke eye-contact. "Want." He managed, very quietly. "You t'--" Embarrassment coiled in his gut. "-kiss me."

James made a soft noise, somewhere between amusement and acknowledgement. And then he said, "Good boy." and Jian's world stopped.

He didn't have time to panic, however, because James was leaning in and kissing him. It wasn't soft and gentle, but nor was it hot and demanding. It was steady and firm. Jian's head spun, still caught on those two, small words as James brought his other hand to cup Jian's face. His eyes fell shut and he brought his own hands to rest uncertainly on James's shoulders. James hummed in encouragement and his tongue pressed against the seam of Jian's lips. Mind hazy, Jian opened.

Jian still wasn't quite sure how to kiss; wasn't quite sure if he was any good at it. But it felt nice either way.

James started trailing kisses along Jian's jaw then down his neck, beard brushing his skin, and Jian bit his lip. He couldn't help shifting forward in James's lap, rocking his hips slightly. And then James bit down, _hard_ , and Jian moaned, hands tightening where they gripped James's shoulders. Teeth threatened to break skin before James replaced them with tongue and licked over the sensitive area. Jian could feel himself getting hard and started to panic because James had said-

Lips found their way back to Jian's and James nipped gently at Jian's bottom lip. One of James's hands moved down to grip Jian's waist and Jian couldn't- this was-- he pulled back, panting.

James stopped. His thumb stroked Jian's side gently. "Baby?" He murmured.

Jian was hot from head to toe; heart pounding, head racing and dick pressing against his pants. He felt dirty and embarrassed but he also felt _good_. He wanted more but he wasn't _allowed_ and it- it was all so _confusing_. 

James's eyes dropped to Jian's crotch. "Oh."

Jian bit his lip, stomach twisting. "'M sorry." Should he get off James? Go to the bathroom and jerk off quickly? Should he-

"It's okay." James murmured, not lifting his gaze. His thumb continued to stroke Jian's hip.

Jian didn't know what he meant.

And then James's hand moved.

Jian moaned when James palmed his erection. His mind emptied and all he could do was buck up against the touch.

James's eyes flicked up to his face. "This alright?"

Incapable of much else, Jian nodded.

"Okay." the pressure went away and Jian almost complained, before fingers slipped into the waistband of his sweats. They paused for a second and Jian gnawed his lip, heart beating in his throat; unable to think, to act, to speak. And then they dipped past the waistband of his boxers and James wrapped his hand around Jian's cock.

Jian's skin was on fire and he whined, grinding up into the touch and dropping to rest his forehead on James's shoulder.

"So wet." James murmured as he slowly began to stroke.

Jian didn't have the brainpower to answer. His hands fisted in James's shirt and his mouth fell open in noiseless pleasure.

Masturbating felt good, most of the time. But _this_ \- another man touching him, a man Jian-- cared about. And who cared about _him_ ; Jian didn't think there was a word big enough.

James's grip tightened and his breath fanned across Jian's hair. "Feel good baby?" He leant down to press a kiss to Jian's temple.

Jian couldn't remember how to speak. He just let out a soft moan. James moved his thumb to swipe over the head and Jian made a louder noise. He rocked his hips, chasing the contact, and felt something against his ass. Biting down on his lip, he rolled his hips again, just to check. Sure enough, the length of James's cock was starting to press against him and Jian felt dizzy.

James twisted his wrist, speeding up and Jian didn't know it could feel this good. There was a nip at his ear and then a few hot kisses to his neck.

"Nng James," his voice was weak and unsteady. "'m gonna- mm _fuck_." Jian felt almost on the verge of tears, yet James's movements didn't let up. " _James-- ah_."

Teeth grazed the shell of his ear. "Gonna cum for me, baby?"

And Jian- " _Fuck_." -his vision went fuzzy and his body shook as he spilled into James's hand and onto his own stomach. His body flooded with warmth and his breaths came out in pants against James's shoulder.

Slowly, the world came back to him and his stomach turned. That wasn't supposed to happen, James had said-

"'M sorry." Jian mumbled, not wanting to lift his head. He could still feel James's hard cock against his ass. "I didn't-- 'm sorry."

James made a small noise. "Don't apologise, sweetheart."

Jian felt sticky and unclean. James, too, no doubt wanted to wash his hand. He reluctantly raised his head. "But- 'm _sorry_. Y'said we couldn't..."

"Yeah. Well." James glanced to the side. "Maybe my self-restraint isn't what I'd hoped."

Jian didn't know what happened now. He looked down. There was jizz on his hoodie, on James's hand and on his expensive shirt, too. Jian wrinkled his nose, tucked away his softening cock and moved off James's lap. He was about to offer to get some tissues when his eyes found the impressive bulge in James's jeans and he thought perhaps he should offer something else. "D'you want me t'..."

James shook his head and Jian's gut sank.

"I want to." he tried. He didn't know how; he'd obviously never given a handjob before, let alone a blowjob.

James exhaled. "No, baby." He caught Jian's eyes. "I shouldn't have started that. It was... poor judgement." Jian scowled at him and James continued, "You know I want to." he said. "But," He swallowed. "you're so young, Jian."

Jian was too tired to argue, so kept his disappointment and frustration to himself and instead said, "I'll get some tissues."

James nodded.

* * *

James jerked off in the bathroom, while Jian stripped and got ready for bed. Jian could hear him, only just. He could hear his harsh breaths and occasional moans and wondered what he was thinking about. He sat on the foot of the bed, half-hard again and glaring at the toothpaste and brush he held. He tried to think about something to kill his growing arousal and, uninvited, his mother came to mind. Safe to say, his arousal withered.

He squeezed some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and went outside to brush his teeth, hoping James wouldn't take much longer.

He didn't. Jian heard the door slide open behind him after a minute or so had passed.

"You're not cold?"

Jian glanced down at himself, in nothing but clean boxer briefs. He was fucking freezing. "'M okay." He said around a mouthful of toothpaste, ignoring the self-conscious itch crawling all over his skin.

James pushed off the doorframe. "Come inside. You'll get sick."

Jian set his jaw but followed the direction.

James had also changed into his pyjamas and Jian was _tired_. Clearly, James also slept shirtless, wearing some simple blue sleep shorts. Jian glared at his happy trail for a second, then made his way to the bathroom in order to spit and rinse.

James leant on the bathroom doorframe and watched him.

Jian washed his face after putting his toothbrush on the side.

"You okay baby?"

Jian pressed his face into the fluffy hand towel. "Mmf."

James made a slight noise. "Words, please."

Jian straightened up and looked at him. "'M good." He said. He didn't want James to regret whatever they'd just done and risk waiting even longer for anything more.

James smiled, just a bit. "Okay."

The main lights were flicked off when Jian crawled into bed. He didn't think he'd ever been in a bed so clean. Moving his legs across the sheets he couldn't believe how nice it felt. James chuckled, pulling the covers down and slipping in beside him. A warm arm was wrapped around his waist and Jian thought it would be okay to snuggle a bit closer.

"Your feet are freezing." James said, amused.

Jian snorted, nosing at the crook of James's neck as he continued to get comfy. "You'll get used t' it."

James's hand slipped up to stroke Jian's hair; a habit, it seemed. "Earlier..." He started and Jian felt his stomach knot. He was probably going to say some shit about it being a mistake; about it being too much for Jian; he was probably going to fucking apologi- "you enjoyed it a lot, huh?"

Jian swallowed. It was so warm, cuddled up to James, surrounded by his comforting scent. "You noticed." He mumbled dryly.

James snorted. "Don't be a brat." He murmured and Jian swallowed again. "But," The hand in his hair moved down to his shoulder, idly brushing over skin. "you kept apologising."

Jian's gut twisted. "I..." He took his bottom lip into his mouth. "I thought- cos you said..."

James was quiet for a long time. "I don't want you to apologise for things that aren't your fault." He finally said, letting out a small exhale. "You're a teenager, I knew you'd get worked up but I still made you sit in my lap."

Jian didn't know what he was supposed to say. He didn't know if he could speak at all, for that matter, since his heart had taken up residence in his throat.

James pressed a quick kiss to his head. "So don't feel guilty about what happened."

Jian couldn't guarantee anything. "Okay."

"Okay." fingers slipped back into Jian's hair. "Good night."

Jian let his eyes fall shut. "G'night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then, "What do you think about when you touch yourself?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> frisky lads pt. 2

He had never been so comfortable. His body was heavy in a well-rested sort of way and he was surrounded by something warm and solid. He nestled closer, enjoying this rare feeling of serenity. Almost as if in response, the warm, solid thing surrounding him shifted and Jian became aware that it was breathing.

He blinked his eyes open and came face to face with a chest. A very nice chest. _James's_ chest.

His serenity leapt out the window and was replaced with a surge of fluttering nerves. Cautiously, he shuffled back to sneak a peek at James's face. He was still sleeping; eyes closed delicately and breaths coming out deep and even. Every now and then his eyebrows twitched and Jian bit his lip to stop himself smiling; James looked so-- he looked so _nice_. 

Jian trailed his eyes down. James's lips were parted slightly. He moved his eyes further down still and brought his hand up, watching his fingers trail over the warm skin of James's chest. His hand looked so small against James's body and something about that made a weak heat coil in his gut. He paused halfway up James's sternum and watched how his chest moved with each gentle breath. Ever so slowly, and with nerves burning throughout every inch of his body, Jian leant in and pressed a soft kiss to James's left pec. The skin was smooth and hot against his lips and he felt himself flush.

He tucked himself back under James's chin and closed his eyes, enjoying the deep scent blanketing him. 

* * *

The next time he woke, it was to James's thumb tracing his lips. His movements ceased when Jian's eyes groggily opened and he shifted his hand to Jian's cheek instead.

"Mornin' beautiful." he smiled, voice rough from sleep.

Jian ignored the heat flooding his body. "Want me t' puke 'n you?"

James laughed softly. "Sleep okay?"

"Mn." Jian's eyes slipped shut again. "You?"

"Mmhm." James's thumb began brushing across Jian's cheek. "You going back to sleep?"

Jian hadn't decided yet. "You gettin' up?"

James made a non-committal noise, hand moving up to trace Jian's eyebrows. He was quiet for a moment and Jian very nearly drifted off again, but then James said, "You're so pretty, Jian."

Apart from opening his eyes, Jian didn't know what to do. He tensed and flushed and wanted to tell James to fuck off; to stop looking at him. But James had told him not to do that.

James's hand slid down to rest gently on his throat. He smiled, very slightly, and leant in to press a chaste kiss to Jian's mouth.

As always, Jian wanted more. As always, James pulled back.

* * *

They both dozed for a little longer, before James went for a morning piss. Jian soon enough followed suit. Washing his hands and face, he hesitantly looked at his reflection and his stomach jumped. He had a hickey. It was small and fading, but it was definitely there, on the juncture of his neck. He ran his fingers over it, almost mesmerised. Pressing down, he felt no pain and he leant closer to the mirror, trying to get a better look. It wasn't anything special, barely even a bruise. Nonetheless, Jian felt himself go hot.

He brushed his teeth, reopening the bathroom door so James could do the same.

Jian did his best not to look in the mirror as they stood side-by-side. But he couldn't always help it. And each time, he saw how much taller James was; how much broader his chest was; how much bigger his hands were. One such hand was placed gently on his waist, guiding Jian to the side so James could bend down and spit. Jian resolutely did not focus on the point of contact.

James showered after that. Jian threw on a hoodie and went out to sit on the balcony. It was a cold and sleepy Sunday morning and Jian was content to watch the city wake up. He watched a pigeon fly past and put his hood up. His mind drifted to last night and he thought about sitting on James's lap, about kissing him, about cumming so hard his vision had gone white. His cock twitched in interest. He pulled his drawstrings tight and dropped his head onto where his knees were tucked up against his chest.

He understood he was a teenager. He understood hormones and puberty and all that. But surely it wasn't normal to be horny at 8 in the morning. Surely it wasn't normal for Jian's every other thought to be of James's lips, his hands, his cock. _Surely_ Jian needed to chill out. He closed his eyes and ignored his half-boner.

The low chuckle that sounded behind him sometime later was unhelpful to say the least. "You sure you slept well?"

Jian scowled at his knees. "Just thinkin'."

James hummed. "About?"

Jian didn't reply.

James made a small, curious noise. "You okay baby?"

Jian lifted his head and tugged his hood off. "Mn." He stood, turning to face James.

James's hair was damp and he was dressed now; a grey knitted jumper and some simple blue jeans. He looked ridiculously fucking gorgeous and it was _8 AM_. "Hungry?"

Jian shook his head absently, gaze falling to the slight bulge at James's crotch.

James was quiet and Jian knew he should look away, he knew he was being obvious, he _knew_ James was going to scold him. "Jian." There it was; calm but firm.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. He gave a slight shake of his head to signal James could drop it, before ducking past him back inside.

There was a soft sigh before James followed, sliding the door shut behind himself.

"Jian." he repeated and Jian unzipped his bag to find some trousers.

He pulled out some dark grey sweats of Leo's. "S'fine." He muttered, slipping them on. He lifted his hoodie to his mouth, giving himself space to tie the drawstring. "I know." He mumbled around the hem of his hoodie.

James was quiet again and Jian glanced at him once he'd finished his bow. James was watching him, eyes serious and head tilted. "Can I ask you something?"

Jian felt his stomach turn. He shrugged.

James slipped his hands into his pockets and didn't immediately say anything.

Jian chewed the inside of his lip.

And then, "What do you think about when you touch yourself?"

Jian nearly choked on his saliva. He couldn't do anything but flush and stare at James, praying he'd misheard

James didn't clarify or rephrase, simply waited.

Embarrassment burnt through Jian. But when it became clear James really did expect an answer, he dropped his eyes to his bare feet and said, ever so quietly, "You."

Silence.

He'd made a mistake, he'd fucked up, he'd made it awkward. Shit. Fuck. Fucking fuckity shit fuck-

"What about me?"

Jian glanced up. James was still watching him, tone and expression careful, but there was a certain glint in his eyes. Jian had seen it a couple of times now. Last night, for example. He thought it was-- arousal. Throat dry and mind ticking, Jian swallowed. _What about me?_ "You... your--" Jian felt like he was on fire. He broke eye-contact. "-cock, mainly." Eloquent.

There was the smallest noise of amusement and Jian did not appreciate it in the slightest. He didn't have time to snap, however, as James crossed to him. Fingers found their way beneath Jian's chin and tilted his head up. "What about my cock?"

Jian swallowed again, throat clicking. This had all happened very suddenly. He felt almost dazed. Nevertheless, he managed to gather enough focus to scowl. "You can't put the pieces t'gether?"

James's lips twitched. The fingers trailed down Jian's neck, tugging his hoodie aside. James's eyes fell to the love-bite on his neck. "Want you to say it."

Jian wet his lower lip, doing his best to remain calm and logical. He ignored the guilt and embarrassment and concentrated instead on doing what James asked. "Think about." He didn't know whether or not to acknowledge the tight heat coiled in the base of his gut. "Think about- I want--" _Fuck,_ this was the hardest thing he'd done in his life. "-I think 'bout your-- cock 'n m' mouth."

James made a very quiet noise, dipping down. Jian expected a kiss, yet nothing came. James's nose brushed Jian's. "Yeah?" He coaxed, breath fanning across Jian's lips.

Blood rushed south and Jian was certain the whole hotel could hear his heartbeat. He was so _embarrassed._ He didn't know how to _do_ this. "James, I can't--"

"-yeah you can, baby." James told him. "You can tell me." A soft kiss was pressed to the corner of his mouth. "I want you to tell me."

Jian twisted his hands in the hem of his hoodie. He _tried_ , he tried really hard. But it seemed he'd run out of words.

James gave him a hand. "You think about dropping to your knees for me?" He prompted.

Jian let out a shaky exhale, dick twitching. "Mm."

James gave him another kiss. "Think about my cock hitting the back of your tight throat?"

Jian bit down hard on his bottom lip. "Mmhm."

"Think about me fucking that pretty mouth of yours?"

Jian knew he was leaking. He wanted- he _wanted_ \-- "Please."

James hummed and _finally_ , he gave Jian a proper kiss; hot and wet and Jian let out a fucking whimper. James's hands went to Jian's waistband and he undid the bow Jian had just tied. Pulling back, he said, "Strip."

Jian's chest rose and fell with shallow breaths. "You mean..."

"That's right, sweetheart." James nipped at his lower lip. "You can do it."

Weakly, Jian untangled himself from James, only moving back enough so he wouldn't elbow James when he stripped off his hoodie. His sweats were next and he kicked them away. He paused on his boxers, though, suddenly scared by the thought of being so exposed.

"That's fine." James murmured and closed the distance between them again, licking into Jian's willing mouth. Hands ran over Jian's newly exposed chest and Jian couldn't believe this was suddenly happening. He didn't understand _why_ it was suddenly happening. But he certainly didn't want it to stop.

James pinched his left nipple and Jian couldn't help a soft moan. James pulled back again, this time in order to undo his fly button. Jian just watched, nerves pounding, mouth going dry and dick dripping. 

The button popped open and James started on his fly. "On your knees baby."

Jian blinked at him, head spinning.

James paused with a hand on the waistband of his boxer briefs. "Baby?" His tone was so painfully gentle. "You okay? This is what you want, yeah?"

Jian didn't know. Yes. Probably. Definitely. Maybe. It was all he'd been thinking about recently. And yet he was terrified.

"Jian, tell me this is what you want."

Jian swallowed. He was finding it exceedingly difficult to speak, so instead tried to demonstrate; he knelt. Right in front of James's crotch and his mouth went from dry to watering.

The carpet was soft on his bare skin and one of James's hands dropped to his head, stroking his hair gently. The other came before Jian's mouth. "Open, baby."

Jian swallowed, looking at the hand before opening. James hummed his appreciation and slowly pushed his middle and pointer finger into Jian's mouth. Jian did his best to open wide enough and he could do it, he _could_ but it wasn't very easy. He eyed James's erection and worried it wouldn't fit.

The fingers stopped, hardly halfway. "Breathe through your nose baby." James murmured, the hand on Jian's head continuing to thread soothing fingers through his hair. "I'm gonna press in further." He said. "You're doing so well."

A weak whine made its way out of Jian's throat and he was distantly embarrassed. James made a soft noise in response; encouragement. His fingers pushed in deeper. Jian breathed through his nose and relaxed his jaw, focusing on taking more, on showing James that he could do it- he could-- the fingers were pressed nearly all the way in now and Jian was _trying_ but he couldn't _help_ it. He gagged, body convulsing, and instinctively drew off.

James wiped the fingers on his jeans.

He was murmuring something but Jian couldn't quite register the words; feeling lightheaded and nervous and so unbelievably turned on.

"Jian?"

Jian took his bottom lip into his mouth. He needed to _focus_. Head swimming, he gazed up at James. "Mm?"

James looked at him, eyes dark. The hand in his hair slid out, down the side of Jian's face. A beat passed before he asked, "Okay?"

Jian nodded, eyes slipping shut because James's hand was so warm and big and soft. "'M okay."

The hand was lifted away. "Okay."

Disappointed, Jian opened his eyes again. James was thumbing the waistband of his boxers now and Jian bit down on his lip, feeling his own cock twitch.

And then James's tugged his boxers down, just enough that his cock sprang free. Jian felt weak in the knees. James was _big_. His cock was cut, full and flushed; curved upward, with a few prominent veins and his balls heavy below. His happy trail led to trimmed pubic hair. Jian absently chewed his lip, imagining what it would feel like in his mouth.

Jian didn't enjoy watching porn. Part of it was the in-his-face reality that he couldn't get off to watching girls; a dirty feeling clung to him while he watched men. He also disliked the voyeuristic aspect. While the entire point of porn was to be viewed, Jian always felt like he was intruding.

On the less than 10 occasions Jian _had_ watched porn, it had been predominantly for educational purposes. He didn't know where else to go for guidance on gay sex (the idea of reading articles and such had never appealed to him, unsurprisingly). Thus, remembering a video he'd watched sometime last year, he lifted a shaky hand to the hard shaft and leant forward to place a gentle kiss to the head.

Above him, James inhaled sharply but Jian was too preoccupied to properly register it. He became aware of a faint scent, this close. Deep and musky but clean. There was a slight salty taste, too. James's cock was hot against his hand and Jian could _barely_ wrap his fingers around the entire girth.

James's hand dropped back onto his head and Jian nearly startled, looking up at him. James smiled quietly. "So eager."

Jian's chest twisted with shame and he looked away.

James made a small noise. "It's okay baby." He said. "I just expected you to wait for instruction."

Fuck, was that what Jian was supposed to do? "I-" He swallowed, having a hard time remembering how to speak. "-didn't-- 'm sorry."

James clicked his tongue softly and tugged on Jian's hair, drawing his eyes up again. "You don't have to apologise sweetheart." He said and Jian's chest started to hurt. "This is new to you. We go at your pace, okay?"

Jian swallowed. Nodded.

James smiled, hand moving to brush hair back off Jian's forehead.

Jian's eyes fell back to his cock and he swallowed again. _His pace._ He could do that, couldn't he? 

So he started with what he knew and spat on the shaft to slick it up, then tightened his grip and began to slowly move his hand up and down the length. He got lost in watching his hand move over hot skin and drew his bottom lip into his mouth.

After a while longer of Jian just jerking him off, James gently suggested, "Wanna try putting your mouth on it again baby?"

Jian's eyes flicked up and he gave a quick nod. He shuffled a little closer on his knees, then leant in. He tried to remember what else he'd seen in that porn video and licked a strip along the shaft; from the base to the tip. James hummed, so Jian did it again, bringing his other hand up to grip lightly at James's thigh. James continued to idly stroke his hair and Jian began to worry his composure indicated a lack of enjoyment. He pulled back a little and glanced at James.

James raised his eyebrows imperceptibly. "You okay?"

Jian took in his neat hair, his steady breathing, his evenly-coloured cheeks and decided James was indeed not very affected. He gave a slight nod of his head, stomach knotting. He wanted this to be good; he wanted to make James feel good; he wanted James to _tell_ him how good it was. But he didn't even know where to start.

"Take the head into your mouth." James told him after a moment of Jian just staring at his cock. "Can you do that for me baby?"

Heat twisted in the base of Jian's gut. Yeah, he could do that.

It was obviously bigger than the two fingers that had been in his mouth, but it was easier to take because it didn't go so deep. Very aware of his teeth, Jian instinctively moved his tongue over the slit, hand starting to stroke at the base again.

"Good boy." James murmured and Jian wasn't aware he'd moaned until James's hand tightened in his hair again; a response to the vibrations.

Jian pulled back a little in order to flick his tongue across the ridge of skin on the underside, where the shaft met the head, and then swirl it around the tip. Still steadily stroking James's cock with his hand, he took the head back into his mouth, then pressed further to take more. James's hand applied a slight pressure to Jian's head and Jian moaned again, drawing off. A saliva trail followed. Panting quietly, his eyes flicked up to James.

James's chest was rising and falling quicker now. "You look so pretty like this." He said and Jian flushed with pride and arousal. "Being so good for me."

Jian gave a weak whimper and let James guide him back down, lips closing around the head again.

"Watch your teeth baby. Think you can take more?"

Jian didn't know how to answer him with his mouth full like this. He tried an affirmative hum but it came out more like a needy moan.

James muttered something that sounded suspiciously like _fuck_ and kept a steady hand on Jian's head as he moved his hips, pushing deeper.

Jian wasn't even taking half when his eyes started watering. He tried to keep going, tried to keep moving his tongue over the shaft but he could feel the back of his mouth starting to contract and pulled off just in time to avoid gagging again. Instead, he coughed a little, moving the hand from James's thigh to wipe across his mouth.

James watched him, stroking his hair gently. "Your gag reflex is pretty sensitive, hm?" He said and it sounded thoughtful.

Jian was about to apologise when his muddled mind reminded him James didn't want to hear that.

James seemed to sense his remorse anyway and said, "It's fine baby." his thumb stroked Jian's temple softly. "We can work on that."

Jian swallowed and nodded.

The thumb at his temple dipped and James brushed the corner of Jian's eye. "You're nearly crying."

Jian bit his lip. Words. He needed to use words. "I-" He needed James to know it wasn't a bad thing. "-s'good." His voice was unsteady and throaty. "I mean." Shit, was his brain ever going to come online? "Feel good."

"Okay." James murmured and his hand came under Jian's chin, bringing him up as he bent down to kiss him; short and sweet.

Straightening up, the hand slid back into Jian's hair. "Take what you can, sweetheart. Use your hands for the rest."

Jian nodded. Slowly, he started moving his hand again, strokes gliding easier now with the help of spit and precum. Pressing a kiss to the head, he brought his other hand away from James's thigh and began gently massaging James's balls; the vague notion of what Jian himself enjoyed guiding him.

Apparently not a completely terrible notion as James let out a very soft noise. "Good boy."

Jian responded with a noise of his own, taking about a quarter of James's length and beginning to bob his head.

James's hips thrusted once, very slightly, and his hand tightened in Jian's hair. Jian whined around him. He drew off in order to lick down the shaft. He pressed a light kiss to James's inner thigh, before shifting his focus to James's scrotum and nosing it. Eyes slipping shut, he licked lightly and heard James inhale sharply. He continued to pump his other hand up and down James's cock while kissing and gently sucking his balls. Moving back again, he flicked his eyes up.

James's eyes were dark, his breathing was slightly erratic and there was a light pink dusting his cheeks now. He looked _good_.

Jian couldn't help moving a hand to palm at his own boxer-clad erection, moaning at the pressure.

"Fuck baby boy." James muttered. The hand on Jian's head guided him back down and Jian took as much as he could.

He continued to palm himself with his right hand, while his left continued to stroke James's cock where his mouth couldn't reach.

"You look so fucking good like this." James told him and Jian groaned, hand slipping into his boxers to grip himself. "Taking my cock so pretty."

Jian whined, stroking himself faster. James muttered a string of curses, dropping his other hand to Jian's head and applying pressure. Jian did his best to keep up, to take him deeper. Saliva dribbled down his chin, tears were leaking from his eyes and his stuttered moans were muffled by James's dick.

It was an embarrassingly short amount of time before he was moaning around James's cock and spilling into his hand; body going white-hot and vision going hazy.

James groaned, pulling out and moving one of his hands to jerk himself off. "Mouth open baby."

Head spinning, Jian kept his lips parted.

James swore under his breath, before bringing the head of his cock to Jian's mouth and cumming onto him. Jian swallowed what he could, feeling the rest land on his chin, lips and cheeks. It was hot and thick and tasted kind of metallic. James stroked himself through his orgasm and once he'd come down enough, Jian cautiously leant in to clean off his cock.

James made a low noise of approval. "That's it baby."

Jian drew back when finished and gazed up at him, chest rising and falling and body feeling warm and tingly. He felt like he was floating.

James dropped a hand to trace over Jian's lips, swiping through some of his cum and feeding it to Jian. "You're so beautiful."

Jian's eyes slipped shut as his tongue moved over James's thumb. He didn't think he'd ever felt this good before. James's hand moved back and Jian blearily blinked his eyes open.

James began tucking himself away and zipping up. He kept his eyes on Jian as he did so. "How are you feeling?"

Jian nodded slowly, waiting for his brain to send words to his mouth. The word, "Good." didn't even begin to cover it.

James smiled, breaking eye-contact to redo his fly button. "You did really well."

Jian bit his lip, the praise going straight to his softening cock.

James finished with his button. "You might wanna wash your face." He said, smiling softly. "You got a little something there." He gestured vaguely to his own cheek.

Jian gave a quiet snort, starting to come back to himself. Now James mentioned it, his face was beginning to feel sticky and itchy. He got to his feet, a little unsteady.

Reaching the bathroom he used loo paper to clean his hand, stomach and cock, before tucking it away and moving to the sink. A glance in the mirror made his chest twist. His lips were red and spit-slick, his cheeks had drying tear stains on them and then there was the cum. James's cum. On Jian's face. Not a lot, given the majority had been swallowed. But enough for Jian's entire body to burn. There was a strip on his lower left cheek; some near his left eye; a few blots on his chin. He brought a finger up and swiped through the drying fluid, then took his finger into his mouth and licked it off.

"Does it taste that good?"

Jian nearly jumped, hand dropping and ears burning. He looked to where James was leant on the doorframe, arms crossed and lips quirked. "I..."

James breathed out a soft, amused breath and pushed off, coming over and standing behind Jian in front of the mirror. He pressed a kiss to the side of his head as he leant down to turn the tap on. "Wash your face sweetheart."

Jian swallowed and did as he was told.

When he was done, James smiled at him in the mirror, one hand sitting warmly at Jian's hip. "You want breakfast?"

Jian shook his head. He wasn't that hungry and thought he could probably go without given the amount of money James had already spent on him.

James's eyebrows rose calmly. "Sure?"

Jian nodded.

"Alright." James murmured. He dropped a quick kiss to the top of Jian's head before stepping back.

Jian wasn't sure what to do, but finally resolved on making his way out of the bathroom to get his clothes.

James followed suit, watching him.

Pulling on his sweatpants and tying the drawstring, Jian bit his lip.

"James?" he refused to move his eyes from his waistband.

"Mm?"

They had at least three more hours together. After what they'd just done, surely it was okay to ask.

"Can," he started, voice quiet but determined. "can we- want-" He glanced at James, stomach churning. "-will you fuck me?" He finally managed. "T'day." He clarified.

James's expression went from open to closed-off in an instant.

Jian's gut dropped. Not okay, then. He sank his teeth into his lower lip. "Why- I don't 'nderstand why-"

"-Jian." James sighed, glancing to the side. A moment passed. He looked back, face softer. "I don't want to rush this-"

"-but we already-"

"-baby, stop." James told him. "We'll get there, okay?" He said. "But right now, the answer is no."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and grabbed a shirt. "'Kay." He mumbled, pulling it on and wondering why he always had to ruin nice things.

"It's not-" James started. "-it's not you, sweetheart." James told him. "It's a big deal and I want to make sure we do it right."

Jian grabbed his hoodie next. "'Kay."

James sighed and moved to get his phone from the bedside table.

Jian fisted his hands and stuffed them in his pockets.

"Is there anything _else_ you wanna do?" James asked, slipping his phone into his back pocket

Jian shook his head, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "You?"

"Not particularly." James said. "Baby, are you okay?"

Jian swallowed and looked up. He nodded, deciding to stop sulking.

"If you wanna talk about what just happened," James started and Jian wanted to curl up into a ball. "we can do that."

He broke eye-contact. "No. Just-" He frowned at the carpet. "-'m gonna be-- thinkin' ‘bout it. A lot."

James breathed out a very soft laugh. "Me too." He said. "But we can talk about it, if you need."

"I don't."

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive updated the tags a bit but uh pls lmk if theres anything else u think i should add. im not so good w tags :)  
> ps i hope ur all staying safe with all the shit going on rn


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn't sure how to communicate to James how _nice_ this moment was to him.

James suggested going out for food, or coffee, and Jian scrunched up his nose. James then suggested crazy golf and Jian considered that for a while, before worrying it was too juvenile an activity for James (despite him being the one to suggest it). Thus, they spent the majority of the morning talking. Talking of things from food to music (James listened to more podcasts than music, but his favourite genre was alternative rock - the band Muse was given a special mention. Jian didn't listen to much else than David Bowie, save for the songs he danced to).

Jian learnt James was proficient in French and felt hot as he demonstrated with a few melodic sentences. He learnt James liked science and nature documentaries and rarely stretched outside of that. He learnt James had been to 9 countries (England, Mexico, Germany, Canada, China, France, South Korea, Netherlands and Japan). He learnt James was an only child. He learnt James had initially wanted to go into law, before deciding he'd rather remain ignorant of the things people were capable of. He learnt he liked James more than he even thought possible.

James was leant against the headboard and Jian was cuddled against him; his cheek on James's chest and right leg thrown over him. In turn, James had his arm wrapped around Jian and was lazily trailing fingers over skin. The TV was playing, though neither of them were paying attention.

"No, it's a scientific theory." James said.

Jian squinted at the game show host on TV. "But s'not-- it- s'magic."

James laughed, warm and happy. "Firstly, you can call anything magic if you don't understand the science behind it. Think of magnets before the discovery of magnetic forces." His hand slipped smoothly under Jian's hoodie and he thumbed at Jian's hip. "Secondly, while not quite like it's portrayed in sci-fi, the quantum multiverse is almost unavoidable if you have a universe governed by quantum physics."

Jian shifted his face in order to scowl up at James. "You know I can't 'nderstand 'ny 'f what you just said."

James quirked an eyebrow. "Can't?"

Jian looked back to the TV. "I ain't got a brain like yours."

"You seemed interested in the multiverse theory."

"Yeah. Right up 'til you mentioned fuckin'-- quantum physics."

James laughed again. "What subjects do you take at school?"

"Not physics." Jian muttered. "P.E 'n' dance. 'Nglish, calc, biology 'n' economics."

"Why economics?"

Jian chewed his cheek before answering. "M' mum said it'd be useful. But I don't 'nderstand shit."

James hummed in acknowledgment and the hand at Jian's hip slid up to his waist, then back down. Jian did his best to ignore the chaste touch. "You get on with your mum?" James finally asked.

Jian watched the TV screen move and considered the question. He decided on saying, "Sometimes." because it was all he felt like giving right now.

James hummed again. "What about your dad?"

Jian should have seen that coming. It was the natural progression of conversation. Still, Jian felt like a punch had been landed to his gut. He stared at the TV and didn't know how to play this. Eventually, "M' dad's dead."

James was quiet. The thumb at his hip continued to move in soft circles. And then, "I'm sorry."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and didn't reply.

He hated those inevitable two words. He'd heard them over and over _and over_ and each time had fought the urge to punch or spit at the person speaking them. Why did they apologise for something that had nothing to do with them? Why did they feel the need to profess their sympathy in such a hollow manner? Why did it always sound like _I don't know what to say_?

"What happened?"

The TV cut to an ad break and Jian realised he hardly ever talked about it. He spent a great deal of time thinking about it. More than he'd like. But he could only think of three times that involved words.

The first had of course been with his mother. She had been crying and fumbling and awkward. She hadn't known what to do and Jian sure as fuck wasn't any help. Jian hadn't spoken to anyone during the funeral processes. He hadn't cried either. A few remarks were made about his behaviour; most in sympathy, some in distaste. He and his mum hadn't talked of it since, omitting her occasional, passing comments ( _this was dad's favourite dish_ _too_ and so on). They grieved in very different ways and neither knew how to help the other. 

The second had been entirely impromptu and unwanted. His form teacher had sent him to the mental consultation office due to shittier than shit grades. There, he'd been sat in a clinical little room while some Western school counsellor had asked how he was feeling. Jian had stared at him and the counsellor had talked through a thick accent about the fucking beach. He'd talked about how grief was like waves; sometimes barely touching your toes, other times crashing down on you. At the first chance he got, 11 year-old Jian told him to shut the fuck up and keep his shitty analogies to himself. The counsellor had blinked at him and Jian had started crying.

The third time had been after the move to America and with Desmond. Much like James, Desmond had bumbled well-meaningly onto the subject and Jian, for the first time in however long, _wanted_ to tell him. Desmond hadn't done much else than listen because once Jian started, words just kept tumbling out. He'd naturally begun to cry and Desmond had hugged him. Jian had felt embarrassed about it later and Desmond seemed to pick up on his unwillingness to speak of it again. In Jian's absence, and with his permission, he told the other three so Jian didn't ever have to.

"Was a technician 'n a car manufacturin' factory. Part 'f the factory collapsed."

The hand at his hip rubbed up and down his waist again. "How old were you?"

"'Leven." Jian belatedly realised it had been five fucking years now.

He understood why they'd come to America. His mother had felt suffocated and alone and talked of new beginnings. Jian was glad they'd come. But now his dad was so far away and Jian hadn't visited his grave for so long. That _hurt_. 

"What was he like?" James's tone was gentle but firm and Jian's chest _ached_.

He swallowed and found a lump in his throat.

"You don't have to tell me." James offered him an out and Jian's chest began to hurt even more because James was so _good_. He was so good and so kind and so warm.

"Was m' favourite person." Jian said, voice quiet. "Was a good dad." He watched colours on the TV with unfocused eyes. "Smiled a lot 'n' was always there. Made really good sandwiches." He swallowed, feeling his eyes start to grow wet. "'N' he'd walk me to 'n' fr'm school when he could. He took me t' all m' sports 'n' he always said he was-- proud 'f me. No matter what stupid shit it was." He blinked a few times, feeling James continue to stroke his thumb over Jian's hip. "'F it was a stupid drawin' 'f a-- fuckin' dog or a test I 'nly got fifty percent on. He always said 'f I did m’ best, it was-- enough." His voice broke and it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing that his dad had been gone for half a fucking decade, yet Jian still cried like a baby about it.

The hand at his hip finally moved. James pulled it out from under Jian's shirt and instead moved it to his shoulder, tugging him up.

Feeling achy and almost boneless, Jian let himself be guided closer. He tucked his face into the crook of James's neck and bit his lip, channelling what little energy he had on not crying.

James's hand rubbed up and down his back, the pressure grounding. "You can cry if you need to." He said softly and Jian bit down harder. He didn't want to get tears and snot on James's expensive jumper. James's hand came up to the back of his neck. He stroked the skin there for a moment, before moving it down again. "What kind of sandwiches did he make?"

Jian sniffed wetly, trying to find a way to speak without bursting into tears. "He--" He hiccuped a little and a tiny sob escaped. "-lettuce 'n'-" Jesus, he was fucking pathetic. "-chicken." He screwed his eyes shut, feeling wetness sticking to his eyelashes and cheeks. "Jam. Egg. Sometimes when I- I--" He bit his bottom lip as another sob sounded. "-when I had a-- sports event, he'd- he'd make that--" He sniffed again and tried to pull himself together. "-think it's-- 'Stralian. Or-- maybe British, I don't-- angel- fairy bread." He said and tucked his face further against James's neck. "S'white bread. 'N' 'n top's butter 'n' hundreds 'n' thousands." Surrounded by the scent of James's cologne, his breathing began to steady. "'N' sometimes-- he usually cut them 'nto triangles but sometimes he'd-" Jian felt himself smile. "-try 'n' be creative 'n'--" A wet little laugh sounded. "-he'd use a knife t' make, like," He pulled back a fraction, just enough to look at James. "stars 'n' shit. One time he tried t' make a dog shape 'n' it was fuckin' awful." Jian said, stomach twisting with something bittersweet.

James just smiled softly, hand still rubbing Jian's back. 

Jian pulled away a little more, in order to wipe a forearm roughly over his face. He sat back on James's thighs and James's hand came to rest at his hip, his other was lifted to wipe away whatever tears Jian had missed. Jian watched him. He swallowed. "He knew I's gay."

James hummed, the hand at his face dropping to rest at Jian's other hip.

Jian cleared his throat quietly, "Told him 'bout one 'f m' crushes. Didn't know at the time what it-- no one talked 'bout-- sexuality ever. I didn't- never knew what gay meant 'til I's- we came t' America. Then I realised it ain't--" _natural, right, normal_ ; James no doubt wouldn't like any of those words. "-but I know he knew. 'N' he didn't mind." He dropped his eyes to the neck of James's jumper. "He just wanted me t' be happy. S'it."

"You must miss him a lot."

Jian nodded.

It was odd. Despite still feeling like he could cry at any given moment, he also felt calmer than he had in a while. Certainly calmer than he'd ever felt talking about his dad. He felt a little achy and his chest hurt. But he also felt warm and content and _safe_. He wasn't sure how to communicate to James how _nice_ this moment was to him. He wasn't sure how to communicate how comforting the hands at his hips were; how warm he'd felt against James's neck; how soothing his scent was; how reassuring James's deep voice was. But he wanted James to know. He wanted to say _thank you_.

So he leant in and pressed a soft kiss to James's mouth.

If James was surprised, he didn't show it. He simply returned the kiss, bringing a hand up to the back of Jian's head.

Jian pulled back after a moment and tried to assess James's face. Was it weird timing to kiss James at this point? Right after discussing his dead father?

The hand at the back of his head came round to cup his face. James kissed him once more, then said, "Thank you for telling me."

Jian blinked. No one had said that to him before and it made something tight unfurl in his chest.

James breathed out a tiny laugh, brushing a thumb over Jian's cheek. "You alright?"

Jian swallowed and nodded.

James smiled. "Good." He then leant in to drop a kiss to the tip of Jian's nose and Jian was far from on the verge of tears now. Rather, he felt on the verge of spontaneous combustion.

* * *

It was when they were back in James's car, on the way to drop Jian home, that Jian's mood began to dip. He glanced at the side of James's face, before setting his jaw and leaning his head against his window. "Thanks f'r this." He mumbled, watching buildings pass by.

James looked over. "You don't need to thank me."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "'F I don't thank you, you won't-- know how much I 'njoyed it."

James let out an amused breath, turning right. "I know how much you enjoyed it."

Jian threw him a glare. "No you don't."

James's lips twitched even as his eyes remained on the road. "Unless you're a very good actor, it wasn't hard to see."

Jian shifted his glare out the windscreen. "’M an amazin’ actor."

James laughed.

* * *

James parked in front of the bakery and Jian looked at the bench before them. 

"It'll be a little while before we can do this again." James told him, as Jian knew he would.

Jian nodded, gnawing on the inside of his lip.

"But if you don't ignore my calls, it might not seem so long."

Jian shot him an unamused look before reaching for his bag.

"I'll call you tonight." James told him.

Jian swallowed and nodded. He didn't really want to look at James, because he thought he'd want to kiss him. And he couldn't very well do that in broad daylight at his local block of shops.

"Jian."

Jian reluctantly lifted his eyes.

James smiled, soft and full of affection. "I had a really nice time."

Jian swallowed and felt his ears heat up. He broke eye-contact. "Yeah."

James let out a quiet huff of laughter. "If we take much longer saying goodbye, I'm gonna be late picking up Liam."

Jian nodded to his knees and lifted his hand to the door handle. He glanced at James and did his best to smile. "Later, then."

The smile he got in return was surely bad for his heart. "Later."

* * *

Jian spent the rest of the day moping about and feeling oh-so-hard-done-by. It was only after he made himself a sandwich toward four o'clock that he started feeling happy and, dare he say, a little chirpy. He thought back to all James's soft smiles and gentle touches and felt light and warm. He thought of the sound of his laughter, the ease with which they'd conversed. He thought of James's easy, honest _I had a really nice time_ and the feeling in his chest was, truly, the nicest thing he'd ever experienced.

He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve such happiness but, for once, he decided not to question it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so just found out 16 isnt underage for pennsylvania where this is sorta set, but im gonna keep the warning up bc of the big ol' age gap. sorry for my sloppy research :T somehow i thought usa had a blanket 18+ age of consent haha


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm going to Portland for work, the week after next." James told him and Jian nodded despite the fact it would go unseen. "I wanted to know if you'd come."

It was a familiar scene at this point; room dark and quiet around him, time somewhere between 12 and 3 and Jian's hard cock pressing against his boxers. He was staring at his pitch black ceiling and wondering if he masturbated a normal amount.

They'd discussed it a few times and Jian had unwelcomely learned the habits of his friends. Leo apparently jacked the rod only once or twice a month, which the others found nigh unbelievable. Benson and Desmond said they did it a few times a week and Isaac proudly declared he beat his meat at least once a day. Jian was almost a mix of all four. He could go for a decent while not having - or stoutly ignoring - the need. Occasionally, he'd go through a short period of wanking daily, but largely he was the same as Benson and Desmond.

Recently, however - and it was hardly surprising - he'd fallen back in line with Isaac.

On Monday morning, during biology, Jian had been staring unsuspectingly at the projector when, out of nowhere, he remembered moaning around James's cock. He'd promptly wanted to throw himself from the window. Training with the boys after school that same day, he'd taken a quick drink break and remembered how James had looked, stroking himself to completion above Jian's face.

In Tuesday's dance lesson, he'd actually gotten a boner. He'd been idly using the pole to warm up while his teacher made herself a cup of coffee. Predictably, his mind had wandered. He'd taken himself to the bathroom and glared at his dick until it cottoned-on.

On Wednesday afternoon, he'd skived off in the library and tried to take a nap. Perhaps his mind had become accustomed to spicing it up before he slept because it had helpfully reminded Jian of how James had stroked his hair as Jian sucked him off; how he'd told Jian how pretty he looked; how good he was being.

On Thursday, Jian had been doodling all over his English book when his brain brightly reminded him of how James's cum had tasted. Jian had not been able to do any work for the rest of the day.

Last night, James had called while Jian was struggling through his calculus homework. It had, as usual, been a nice call before - out of nowhere; they'd been talking about what James was cooking for dinner - his dick had hardened. Jian had hurriedly said he needed to go and hung up, face burning.

He chewed his lip and absently kicked his duvet down. He glanced at the dark shadow he knew was his bedside table and bit his lip a little harder. His mum had recently bought him some aloe vera moisturiser. She innocently suggested he use it every now and then, just to _keep your skin nice and clear_! Jian, of course, hadn't taken long to think of other uses for it.

Biting out a quiet curse, Jian quickly stripped off his boxers and fumbled for the small pot. He dropped it beside his pillow and spared a moment to feel embarrassed and ashamed, before unscrewing the lid and dipping two fingers into the gel. It was cold and Jian absently thought it would be uncomfortable in such an intimate area. Nonetheless, after satisfactorily coating his fingers, he spread his legs and pulled his knees toward his chest. He dropped his head on his pillow and reached around with his lubed hand.

Since last weekend, Jian had done some incognito googling. He wanted to be good at this stuff. He wanted to be good at this stuff _for_ James. Thus, with his entire body burning in shame, he'd found a gay lifestyle blog.

There were various, innocent posts such as how to maintain long-distance relationships or tips on flirting, but Jian had yet to read those. Instead, he'd looked at guides on giving good hand and blowjobs. He'd read about preparing for anal penetration and had even adjusted his diet, as per the post's recommendations (though his sports meant it was already high-fibre and he wasn't especially big on meat). Jian was naturally a clean person (he had far better hygiene than his friends; Benson and Isaac didn't even wash their hands after pissing) but over the last week he had upped his game, with special attention to his butt.

The most recent article he'd read was one discussing orgasms and Jian discovered prostate orgasms were a real thing. He'd previously thought the only way to cum was to touch his dick. So, of course, he was curious. And also really fucking horny.

He circled his hole, before slowly sinking the first finger in. It wasn't as cold as he'd expected and he pushed it into the second knuckle, closing his eyes and getting used to it. The moisturiser made it a far easier motion than with saliva. Jian took his bottom lip into his mouth and gingerly fucked himself on the finger a few times, before working the second in alongside it. A very small noise escaped his throat and he bit down harder. Moving his two fingers together, he tried to build a gentle rhythm; _in, out, in, out_. There was a familiar, uncomfortable burn he associated with being stretched but it was much slighter than usual. Maybe the article's insistence on using proper, and enough, lube held some truth after all.

After a few moments of his breathing growing heavier and him just working the fingers in and out, he tried crooking them. It felt good. It felt really fucking good but it wasn't quite right. Like an itch he couldn't scratch. He pulled his legs closer to his chest in order to give himself more room and tried to get his fingers deeper. He curled them upward and a quiet moan slipped out as his middle finger brushed a smooth lump.

Usually when he fingered himself, it was more about the feeling of having something in his ass than anything else. There were only a handful of times that he'd even managed to hit his prostate; stroking his cock at the same time meant he never needed it to cum.

He adjusted himself once more and tried again. This time, he was able to press both fingers against it and gasped, dick jumping against his stomach. He bit down hard on his bottom lip and started speeding his movements up. Naturally, his thoughts strayed to James.

He imagined the fingers thrusting against his prostate were James's. James had such _big_ hands and Jian moaned, bringing his free hand up to bite down on. He pressed a third finger against his rim but stopped when it began to hurt. Mind foggy, he reached for the aloe vera gel again and coated his third finger before clumsily moving back and trying again. This time, the noise he made was worryingly high-pitched and he absently felt part of himself wither in embarrassment.

Now that he'd located it, it was easy to fall back into rhythmically massaging his prostate and his mouth fell open against the back of his right hand. Three fingers felt so much better than two. It was more than he'd ever tried and it still couldn't compare to James's girth. Jian bit down on skin, muffling himself as he built up speed again. He could feel precum smearing against his abdomen and couldn't stop his head from spinning.

He thought back to James's thick cock and how it would feel fucking in and out of him. He thought about James bending him over a desk and pounding into his ass. He thought about lying on his back, legs spread, as James leant over him. He whined quietly and couldn't keep up with his own swirling thoughts.

His mind started going fuzzy and he struggled to maintain coherency. His body was hot, sweaty and tingly. Jian screwed his eyes shut, feeling wetness on his eyelashes. There was a pressure building in his groin, as if he were about to cum, but he just stayed on the edge. He could still feel precum smearing over his stomach and he swore it was more than he'd ever had before. With each press of his fingers, the pressure grew and grew and Jian _couldn't_ \--

Waves of pleasure crashed through him and Jian completely lost himself. His body shuddered and he let out a weak sob against his hand. He felt like nothing existed in that moment, least of all him. It felt almost like he'd dissolved; body going limp and legs shaking.

He'd never had an orgasm like that before.

It was a good few minutes before his brain came back online. He weakly pulled out his fingers, making a slight noise at the sensitive feeling. He ran his tongue over his lower lip and propped himself up onto an elbow.

Unable to see anything in the darkness, he mumbled a shaky-sounding _fuck_ and reached over to flick on his bedside lamp. It illuminated the small room with dim, yellow light and Jian squinted as his eyes adjusted. Flicking his gaze down, he easily spotted the small puddle of cum on his midriff. He swallowed, looking at it, before he sat up and reached for the tissues on his bedside table.

* * *

They spent Sunday evening playing pool. The club was a cosy, sleepy one; only two other groups besides the five boys occupying a table in the back-left corner. While there wasn't a consistent winner, a consistent loser in the shape of Benson Chanthotong soon emerged. He wasn't bothered in the slightest, simply continued humming along to the background K-pop tunelessly.

Now, they were sat on the grass beside Seaton Square and Jian was concentrating on _not_ thinking about James. He opened the packet of crisps he'd bought from the pool club and took one. They were cucumber flavoured.

Isaac reached over and grabbed a few. "He's on crack."

They were discussing the famous Mr. Howers, an over-enthusiastic English teacher with a unique little power walk and an uncanny knack for being around every corner at school.

"He's got about twelve degrees." Benson ducked away from Isaac's arm in order to snag a crisp from Jian as well. "And he's doing a Master's now." He delicately nibbled it. "But he's... twenty-four?"

Jian moved closer to Desmond in an attempt to protect his crisps. Desmond, the bastard he was, took advantage of this and grabbed a handful, which he shoved all at once into his mouth. Jian was _disgusted_.

"Carl sees him going for runs at the ass-crack of dawn." Isaac said. "Cos they live on the same street."

Benson laughed. "No way."

Leo had his sights on Jian's crisps now, too. But Leo was far more polite than the others. "Can I try?"

Jian rewarded his manners and gave him the whole packet. "Keep them."

Leo smiled and elbowed Benson as he swooped in for another steal.

"Alright fellas." Desmond leant back and stretched his arms with a satisfied noise. "Noodles?"

"Noodles." Benson agreed.

Jian's phone dinged in his pocket.

"Mr. Zhou's?" Isaac asked.

"Yeah. Or TianFu." Desmond said. "We'll see what's less busy."

Jian's phone dinged again.

"I want dumplings. Mr. Zhou's has better dumplings." Isaac said.

"Bro, you're obsessed with Mr. Zhou's."

"No I'm not, I-"

"-didn't you go last night?"

"Yeah, but-"

"-TianFu's chilli paste is insane. You gotta branch out."

"Fuck off." Isaac said. "My intake of Mr. Zhou's is between me and Mr. Zhou."

Leo, Benson and Desmond snorted.

Jian stood up. "'M gonna go." He said, ever the buzzkill. "Home."

Desmond frowned at him. "No noodles?"

"Next time." Jian mumbled, sliding his hands into his pockets and thumbing his phone.

"There might not be a next time..." said Isaac. "we might all get slaughtered tonight."

Jian snorted. "Which s'why 'm leavin' first."

"I'll drop you." Desmond offered.

Jian shook his head. "Wanna walk."

"About to rain." came Leo's two cents as he scrunched up the now empty crisp packet.

Jian glanced up at the dark sky. It did look rather sinister. Regardless, Jian's mind was made. "See you t'morrow."

Benson's eyes narrowed. "Unless we're all murdered and you die of a cold."

"Walking in the rain's romantic." Isaac said. "Let him do his thing."

Jian snorted, raised a hand in a half-hearted wave, then turned and went on his way.

He pulled out his phone once a comfortable distance had been put between him and his friends.

信息 5分钟前

**james**

Hey

信息 5分钟前

**james**

Call me when you're free x

After a cautious - though entirely unnecessary - glance around, Jian pressed the phone icon at the top of their chat.

"Hey baby." came James's deep tone after three rings.

Jian wondered if it was normal for his entire body to light up at the noise. "'Lo."

"How's your day been?"

"Played pool." Jian said.

"Oh really?" James asked and Jian could tell he was smiling.

"Mn. S'fun." he came to a stop on the side of the road.

"I'm glad." James said, smile still softening the words. "Hey, I wanted to ask you something."

Jian made a small noise, waiting for traffic to break before crossing.

"I'm going to Portland for work, the week after next." James told him and Jian nodded, despite the fact it would go unseen. "I wanted to know if you'd come."

Jian stopped. In the middle of the footpath. A woman made a noise of displeasure as she swerved to avoid a collision.

"I'd be working from Tuesday to Friday, but I thought we could spend the weekend together." James filled the sudden silence. "I'd pay for your flights and pick you up from the airport. You could come on Friday night and-"

"-I can't." Jian said, very quietly. He made his way to lean against the wall of a shop, gut feeling heavy.

"You don't want to?" James asked, tone even and soft.

Jian swallowed, lifting his free hand to examine his nails. "I do." He said, biting his lip. "But I- I _can't_."

"Why not?"

Jian let out a weak breath of laughter. "It-- s'on the other side 'f the fuckin' country, I--" He dropped his hand and shoved it into his pocket. "-I can't-- what 'f someone found out?"

"Who'd find out baby?" James asked gently. "You can tell your mum you're staying with friends and tell your friends something else. It's not a big deal."

Jian stared at the dirty concrete under his shoes. It started to spit. He swallowed. "Portland?"

"Mmhm."

Jian didn't know what to say. He really couldn't go. It was too much; too far. "Need t' think."

"Yeah, of course." James accepted.

Jian watched a couple walk by, hand-in-hand. "I-" He swallowed. "-won't it be expensive f'r me t' come?"

James let out a soft breath. "You know how I feel about that." He said. "It's the last thing I want you to take into consideration."

Jian scowled, eyes back on the ground. "'N' you know how _I_ feel 'bout it, so you can't--" The rain got heavier. "-s'not somethin' I can-- ignore."

James was quiet for a moment. "Okay." He murmured. "How about-- maybe you could buy us dinner?"

Jian was beginning to feel an uncomfortable sort of uptight anxiety. "I- c'we talk 'bout this later?"

James sighed. "Sure. It'd be helpful if you let me know by Wednesday. So I can get things sorted."

"'Kay." Jian clicked the thumb joint of his free hand.

"Call me later, then." James said.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "'M sorry."

"Don't be, sweetheart." James told him; soft. "Just let me know soon as you can."

"'Kay." Jian swallowed. "I'll-- later."

"Later."

* * *

Later.

Later, Jian found himself in bed with a hard cock. It was around two AM and Jian couldn't think straight, no pun intended. But - and as tended to happen in the middle of the night - he had an idea. An excellent, foolproof idea.

James wanted Jian to come with him to Portland and Jian was hesitant to join.

Jian wanted James to fuck him and James was hesitant to go all the way.

Jian had learnt the word _compromise_ in English last Wednesday.

It was buzzing with this stroke of genius (and a healthy amount of hot arousal), that Jian reached for his phone. He squinted until he'd turned the brightness down, then clumsily pulled up his and James's message log.

iMessage 信息

今天上午2:31

wil go to poland f

u promuse to fuk me

He looked blearily at the messages before spotting a loophole.

iMessage 信息

今天上午2:31

on weeken

i go if u fuck m that weeknd

Satisfied, Jian locked his phone and dropped it beside his pillow.

He stared at his dark ceiling, feeling proud of himself for coming up with such a clever solution. Soon enough, however, his arousal became almost painful and he decided to attend to it.

* * *

When he woke the next morning, it was to his phone ringing. Jian scowled into his pillow. It was probably Desmond wanting to know if they could eat together before he dropped Jian at the pool. He groped for the device, finding it beneath his pillow. It was due to familiarity that he managed to accept the call without turning from his comfy nook.

"Mn?"

"Jian." came a voice that decidedly did not belong to Desmond.

Jian was suddenly wide awake. "James." He sat up, chest going warm and tight. James never called in the morning but Jian thought waking up to his voice wasn't bad at all.

"Did I wake you?"

"Mn." Jian said, rubbing a hand over his face. "Don't mind."

"Right." James sighed and Jian became aware of his tone. It was... clipped. Jian's gut twisted, had he done something wr- "About last night,"

Last night?

Last night.

_Fuck_.

"you can't--" James let out a small breath. "-I'm not angry, baby, but you can't send stuff like that to me."

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Jian hadn't _meant_ to. He had been tired, horny and convinced he was a genius.

"At least not in the middle of the night. My wife could've seen, Jian."

Jian stared at his duvet. "I didn't..." He started digging his thumb nail into his ring finger, between the first two joints. "wasn't- I--" He watched little, red dents form on the skin. "-'m sorry." He managed, feeling stupid and guilty and ashamed.

"It's okay." James told him, tone still off but becoming softer. "Just... think next time, okay?"

Jian bit his lip, feeling bone beneath his thumb nail. He absently felt like crying. "'M sorry." He echoed.

"I'm not--" James exhaled. "-it's fine, Jian. Don't feel bad, sweetheart." There was a moment of silence, before he asked, "But is that how you feel?"

Jian swallowed thickly, easing his thumb nail off and staring at the marks he'd made.

"Jian?" James pushed. "Were you serious, or just half-asleep?"

Jian rubbed over the nail marks. "C'you just-- forget it?"

James was quiet for _one second, two, three, fo_ \- "I promise."

Jian's heart stopped. "What?"

"If you're sure," James told him. "I promise. We can do whatever you want."

Jian's throat felt tight. He bit down hard on the inside of his cheek.

"Jian." James said. "I need you to talk to me. I can't read-"

"-yeah." Jian managed, voice stiff and quiet. "S'what I want."

James let out a soft breath. "Okay."

Jian's ring finger hurt.

"I should go. But we still need to talk about this." James told him. "I'll call you tonight, yeah?"

"Mn."

"Okay." James repeated. "Talk soon, baby."

Jian didn't reply, just waited for James to hang up.

Maybe waking up to his voice wasn't so great after all.

* * *

He skipped last period economics and waited by the gym for after-school training. He sat round the back and numbly ate the meat floss biscuit he'd saved from lunch. He was feeling weird. Bad weird. He was nervous and confused and hopeful and scared and excited and unsure; gut twisted into knots.

Was it really fine to go all the way to Portland?

But it was with James.

If it was with James, what was the worst that could happen?

He swallowed the last of his snack and leant his head back. The sky was a soft blue today. Two birds flew overhead. Jian's chest panged.

What was the worst that could happen?

Jian's friends could find out. Jian's _mum_ could find out. Jian's plane could crash. Jian could arrive safe and sound. James could pick him up and they could-- they could fuck, like Jian wanted. Like Jian wanted _so bad_. Like Jian thought about every fucking night.

But what if he wasn't... enough for James? What if he wasn't good at sex and James decided he wanted someone else?

What was the worst that could happen?

Jian would disappoint James.

* * *

He gnawed on his lower lip, looking at the phone ringing in his hand.

He toed his front door shut. " _Mum_?" He called, absently kicking off his shoes. " _You home_?" He slipped on some house slippers and moved to drop his bag on the couch. He should probably pay more attention when his mum told him her hours, but he was pretty sure she was on a night shift today.

Satisfied he was alone, Jian accepted the call. "'Lo."

"Hey baby." James sounded like he was smiling, it relieved the feeling in Jian's chest a little bit. "How was your day?"

"Fine." Jian went into the kitchen and filled the kettle. "Have a swimmin' thing 'n Saturday."

"Yeah?" James asked. "A meet?"

Jian flicked the kettle on and went about getting a mug. "Just a small one."

"Feeling good about it?"

Jian shrugged to himself. "Not feelin' bad 'bout it."

"Right." James hummed. "Are you okay to talk? About Portland?"

Jian chewed his lip. "Mn."

"You still feel the same as last night?"

Jian looked at his feet.

Did he?

A little. Maybe. Sort of. Not quite. No. Yeah. Yes. Definitely. Probably. To some, small degree. Slightly.

What he said was, "Mn."

"Okay." a second passed. "It'll hurt." James said. "Obviously I don't want to hurt you, but-"

"-I don't mind." Jian told him, moving to the pantry to decide between oolong and mugicha. James was quiet and Jian stared at the green oolong box. "I-" He swallowed, reaching for it to take back to the kettle. "-I mean. I just..." He set the box down with a muted _thud_.

"Alright." James spoke when it became clear Jian wasn't going to finish. "I want your first time to be good, but it might not be like you've-- seen or fantasised, okay?"

Jian didn't quite know what that meant, but wasn't sure he was supposed to ask. "Okay."

James let out a little breath. "So, is there anything you wanna ask me? Anything you're nervous about?"

The kettled boiled and Jian watched the switch flick up. "I- I-- not over the phone." He managed, dropping a teabag in his mug.

James sighed lightly. "It's better if we talk about it, baby."

"Why?" Jian poured hot water into his cup.

"It gives you more time to think." James told him. "It might not feel like it, but this is a big deal. In more ways than one."

"Didn't talk 'bout it b'fore I sucked your cock." Jian mumbled because it confused him how these were two different issues.

"Jian." James said and his tone was somewhere in the realm of exasperation; Jian's stomach turned. James exhaled gently. "Baby, I still don't know if I did the right thing there. I didn't plan on letting-- but you were- I got carried away. It wasn't responsible."

Jian stared at his brewing tea. He didn't know what to say but he didn't like the feeling in his gut. He swallowed and decided to shift the focus. "How's your first time?"

James didn't reply immediately and Jian began to worry he'd overstepped. "Not very good." James finally admitted. "It was with a woman." He continued. "A friend at high-school. I thought maybe I'd turn straight if I slept with a girl."

Jian snorted. "No luck then?"

James let out a quiet laugh. "No. No luck."

Jian chewed his lip, thinking. "I- I--" He ran his fingers over the rim of his mug. "-I don't-- I- I tried t'--" He swallowed, feeling embarrassment worm its way into his chest. "-research, but I-" What was he even trying to say? "-'m not worried 'bout 'nythin'." He finally said. "But I- I don't-- I want you t'--" He frowned at his tea, hating the way his heartbeat was picking up; it was almost painful. "-I just want you t' feel good."

"That's not something you need to worry about, Jian." his tone was warm; amused, maybe. Jian set his jaw. "Okay." James said. "Is there anything in particular you wanna try?"

Jian wasn't sure he knew enough about sex to answer. He knew about hand and blowjobs; he knew about fingering; he knew about rimming and he knew about penetration. But he didn't know many specifics. His research so far had been quite basic and focused on the vanilla. "I just," He picked up his mug and started over to the sofa. "want--" He swallowed down shame and embarrassment. "-want your. Cock 'n m' ass."

James let out a very soft huff of laughter. "Right. We can do that."

Jian set his tea on the coffee table and crossed his legs on the couch.

"Okay, baby." James said. "I'll get things booked, but I want you to keep thinking about this. I want you to figure out your boundaries; what turns you on; if there's anything you really do want to try. Can you do that for me?"

Jian nodded, chest pulling tight. James was so good to him. "Mn."

"And I need you to-" he let out a soft breath. "-do you finger yourself baby?"

Jian's entire body flushed. His heart sped up and he really wasn't sure he'd be able to answer. Deciding against words, he managed another, "Mn."

"Okay." James answered, tone giving nothing away. "Good. That's good, Jian. I need you to finger yourself often. I'm not small; it will be more painful if you're not used to having anything down there."

Jian was gonna die. This was so embarrassing. He stared at the carpet. The soles of his slippers started to dig into his calves. "'Kay."

"Good boy." James said and Jian flushed some more. "One more thing," He inhaled softly. "do you know what the gardasil vaccine is?"

Jian chewed the inside of his cheek. "No."

"HPV vaccine?" James tried. "You might have already had it; some people get it as kids. But if not, I want you to ask your doctor to start it. I can come if you're nervous."

"HPV." Jian repeated, thinking. It rang a very faint bell in the back of his head. His mum was big on vaccines; she probably hated antivaxers just as much as homosexuals. "Think I-- I'll ask m' mum." He mumbled, wondering if she'd find it odd. He'd be subtle. Hopefully.

"Okay." James agreed. "Thank you."

Jian nibbled his lip, staring at his mug and wondering why those words sounded better coming out of James's mouth than anyone else's.

"Alright, in terms of flights," he started and Jian felt a weight lift off his shoulders at the effortless topic change. "I'd prefer if you came on Friday, so we'd have more time together."

"Long's the flight?" Jian asked, picking at the bobbly sofa.

"Around six hours, considering stops." James told him. "So, we can't do much on Sunday."

Jian wondered if it was really worth it - going all that way, spending all that money, for barely two days together. But he'd already agreed. It wouldn't be fair to change his mind. And he _did_ want to go. The idea just took some getting used to. "'F I came 'n Friday," He began, shifting to take off his slippers. "we'd get two nights t'gether?" He dropped them to the floor.

"Mmhm." James hummed. "A three PM flight would see you in Portland around five, so I could pick you up after work and we could relax, maybe get dinner. Then we could do something nice on Saturday. And on Sunday, we'd get an early flight back."

It would be best for Jian to miss school that Friday, then. He'd need to skip training and pull out of the social game. But it would mean more time with James. "I'll- I'll come 'n Friday. Three- or-- what y'said b'fore."

"You won't miss much at school?" James asked, as if it was important.

"Won't miss 'nythin'." Jian told him, imagining Desmond's face when Jian explains that Noah will have to sub for him.

"Okay. I'll sort that now." James said. "We'll talk soon, yeah?"

"'Kay." Jian nodded at his carpet. "Bye."

"Bye baby."

After drinking his tea, Jian went for a run.

He didn't intend for it to be two hours long. He vomited when he got back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh rly not important but idk if 6hrs is accurate for PHL to PDX lmao. did my best to research but still not 100%, so if im wrong, a correction would b awesome :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kinda. Worried--" Jian swallowed thickly. "-think 'm-- 'n love." His stomach twisted. "With him."

Jian was in Fuckoffee, waiting out double English (they were meant to be discussing nihilist literature today; no, thank you). He broke off a piece of his blueberry muffin and nibbled it. The muffin was a reject from the batch, thus, had been discounted. It was a nice muffin. The cafe was empty at the minute, save for Jian and the same worker as always, who was humming along to the background music as she tidied.

The door opened with a bell chime and Jian glanced over, watching a lady enter. She was chubby and black, wearing a tidy blouse tucked into nice slacks. Her hair was shaved on the back and sides, with tight, textured coils on top. Admittedly, Jian's gaydar was largely useless, but something about this woman made it feel safe to assume she was queer. His eyes lazily followed her as she walked to the counter. He wondered what it would be like to live openly.

He was so absently mulling this over that when the lady said _hey babe_ , it didn't register. The cafe worker turned, blinked, then _beamed_ and Jian idly thought they must be friends. He wondered how long they'd known each other. He and Desmond were coming up to three years of friendship. He was about to return to his muffin, when cafe lady leant over the counter and kissed her friend. On the lips. Her female friend. Who was a woman. Jian blinked.

That was... gay? Were they-- he swallowed, watching the two part and enter into easy conversation. Were they-- they were _together_. As in, they were _girlfriends_. Like Jian. Or-- Jian was nobody's girlfriend, but he _was_ somebody's- not boyfriend, that word hadn't... but he was still- they- this was-

"Alright, farm boy?" cafe lady looked over her partner's shoulder, at Jian. "Need anything?"

Jian felt his ears heat up and shook his head, finally looking away from the two women. He was embarrassed at being caught staring, but more than that he was _happy_. He was happy because it was _nice_. It was nice to see two people happy together. Two people like him. Happy.

He went back to his muffin and ate it slowly, listening to the bouts of laughter that erupted every now and then from the front of the cafe. The lady in slacks left as Jian neared the end of his snack. She kissed cafe lady before doing so.

Jian screwed up the muffin's baking case and stared at the table. He wanted to- and it was very unusual, because Jian did his best-- he wanted to ask-- and, _yes_ , Jian did his best to avoid social interaction, but he wanted to ask about-- 

He stood, muffin case scrunched in his fist.

Cafe lady was reading now, leant against the counter like the first time Jian had come here.

He swallowed, nerves churning in his gut as he approached her.

She didn't notice him.

He cleared his throat.

She looked up. "Hey man." She said, ever so easy. "What d'you need?"

Jian's palms were sweaty. This was a different sort of nervousness than he'd felt in a while. He swallowed again. "I-" Was this weird? This was weird. Jian was weird. "-coffee." He didn't want any fucking coffee.

She nodded and put her book to the side, straightening up. "Matcha latte?"

Fuck- "No." -that would be a whole four dollars wasted. He just wanted-- "It-" -his heart jumped into his throat. "-was-" _Shit_. "-bin."

Cafe lady blinked slowly at him. "...bin?"

Jian dropped the screwed up muffin case on the counter. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

"Uh." she took it. "Okay." She frowned at him. "Did you... want the coffee?"

"S'that your girlfriend?" Jian blurted and - _fuckity shit fucking shitty shitfuck_ \- immediately started planning means of escape.

To his utter bewilderment, cafe lady just laughed. "Mm. She's beautiful, huh?"

Jian's gut knotted and he bit the inside of his cheek. He was out of his depth, to say the least.

Cafe lady watched him for a moment, before looking down at the counter. Her neat eyebrows drew together slightly before she looked back up. "Hey, uh." She cleared her throat. "There's a club that-- once a month, they meet here." She told him. "A queer club." She clarified after a second.

Jian's stomach turned.

"It's a peer support thing. I can give you the details. If you're interested."

That sounded fucking terrifying. Jian clicked his thumb joint. "Not 'nterested."

"Okay." she nodded. "My name's Kendra, by the way."

This was so awkward. "I--" _Why_ was he so fucking weird and stupid and clumsy? "-Jian."

"Nice to meet you." Kendra smiled, she shifted to the cake cabinet, sliding it open. "So, you skip a lotta school." She got out a biscuit and snapped it, offering Jian half. "Unless you really are eighty-two and work on a farm."

Jian accepted the biscuit numbly.

Kendra took a bite of her half and considered him. A beat passed. "I'm trans." She said, out of fucking nowhere. "I'm also a lesbian." She took another bite. " _And,_ my favourite colour is green."

Jian stared at the counter. He felt very vaguely nauseous, but-- "Red." -he muttered. "Like the colour red."

Kendra smiled. "Red is nice."

* * *

He was thinking about what James had asked him to think about. Water hit the shower tiles. Every now and then, the spray sputtered and ran cold before pulling itself together and heating up again. Jian bit his lip and leant his head back, knocking it lightly on the wall behind him. Water hit his chest.

What turned him on?

James, mainly. Almost everything about him; his shoulders, his eyes, his hands, his hips, his chest, his arms, his voice, his _cock_.

What did Jian want to try?

Anything. Everything. He wanted to try taking James's entire length in his mouth. He wanted to feel James cum down his throat. He wanted to know what James's tongue felt like in his ass. He wanted to know what his _fingers_ felt like.

"Shit."

Refusing to open his eyes, Jian wrapped his left hand around his leaking cock, starting to stroke slowly.

It was different. He _knew_ it was different; thinking about this stuff versus doing it. Thinking about it was much safer; easier. He didn't have to worry about disappointing James because it wasn't really him. He didn't have to worry about not being good enough; about fucking up; about it being awkward or painful.

His strokes sped up as he thought about James kissing the small of his back as his fingers stretched him open.

" _Nng_ _h_." he swiped his thumb over the slit, eyes screwed shut and teeth sinking into the skin of his lower lip.

He thought about James pushing his cock in, ever so gently, and telling Jian how pretty he was. He thought about it hitting his prostate head-on and tried to imagine how good it would feel; how full he would be.

Breaths coming out uneven, he turned and braced a hand on the shower wall, bending slightly and reaching his free hand back to his ass. He should use conditioner or something as lube, but he was so fucking desperate that he couldn't be bothered. He ran a finger over his hole and imagined it was James's cock. His big, _thick_ cock.

"Fuck." Jian bit the back of his hand and pressed the finger in. It was dry and uncomfortable but at least it was something and Jian began to slowly fuck it in and out.

He wasn't very good at gauging measurements, but Jian was sure James was around 7 or 8 inches and whined thinking about how _deep_ he would reach.

He moved the hand he had on the wall down to his dick and gripped himself again, forehead against the wet tiles.

Like this, with stimulation on both his cock and ass - plus the images of James fucking him deep and gentle - he came fast and hard; cum hitting the shower wall and legs shaking.

He stood there, panting, water hitting his back for a minute or so. But soon enough, a feeling of disgust began to creep over him. He muttered a string of curses, straightening.

He wondered if that would be different too.

While thinking about it was easier and safer, would doing it _feel_ better? With James there, would he still feel filthy like this afterward? He'd felt guilty after James had jerked him off in the hotel, but only because he wasn't sure it had been allowed, and it had been easily remedied by James's gentle reassurances.

It would be nice not to feel like this.

* * *

James laughed on his end. "Really?"

Jian nodded, scratching a pebble across the concrete. "Mn." He said, smiling. He was sat on the basketball courts by his flat, telling James about his calculus teacher. "He said, ' _m transferrin' t' Miremore cos 'f you_." Jian stopped and threw the stone, watching it skitter across cracked concrete. "Said we's the worst class he'd ever had 'n' that he hated us."

"Jeez." James chuckled. "What did you do?"

Jian nibbled the inside of his lip. "These assholes 'n the front 'f the class made this-- list."

James hummed.

"S'like a list 'f--" Jian frowned at a flickering lamppost. "-why his wife doesn't love him."

"Ouch." James breathed and he was no longer amused.

Jian nodded. "S'real shitty. They write it while he's fuckin' teachin' 'n' he can hear them laughin' 'bout his-- small cock or bad breath 'n' it's-- fucked."

"It is." James said. "But," He started pensively. "if you sign up to work with teenagers, you do have to have some level of resilience. Both for yourself and your students."

Jian made a noise of agreement, setting his gaze on the road beyond the courts. "Still."

"Still." James repeated.

Jian chewed his lip. "Hey."

"Mm?"

"I--" he swallowed. "-met someone."

James was quiet for a second. "As in...?"

Jian suddenly realised what his phrasing could indicate and snorted. "Not-- just met-- a person."

"Yeah?"

"She-- she, I think, owns this cafe near school." he said. "'N' sometimes I go 'n'-- then yesterday I's sittin' 'n' this other lady came 'n' they kissed." He lifted his eyes to the cloudy night's sky. "'N' I-- it was fuckin' awkward but I-- she's nice. She-- s'a lesbian."

"Oh cool." James hummed and Jian could tell he didn't get it.

He moved to sit cross-legged. "It-- she--" Jian didn't know how to explain. "-knows 'm gay."

"You told her?" James asked and now he _was_ interested.

Jian made a small, uncertain noise. "I-- she just. Knows."

"Right." James accepted. "So, what? She's someone you want to get to know?"

Jian wasn't sure. "S'just nice. T' see her 'n' her girlfriend. Made me happy. 'N' I think--" He swallowed again. "-maybe I could- she might be nice-- t' talk to."

"Mm." James responded ambiguously. He paused for a second, then added, "Just be aware of what you tell her. About me."

Jian didn't know what he meant. "Huh?"

James let out a quiet breath. "She might get the wrong idea if you tell her you're dating a thirty-three year old."

"Oh." Jian wasn't sure how to respond to that, but felt his stomach knot. James was so _good_. Yet perhaps context was necessary. Jian hated the idea of anyone misunderstanding. "S'why I think humans would be better 'f-- we could talk through-- feelin's."

James chuckled quietly. "Is that right?"

"Mn." Jian told him. "Cos then-- no one'd misunderstand things."

James hummed.

"'Nyway." Jian said. "S'fuckin' weird. At the cafe."

"Talking to her?"

"I-" Jian bit his lip. "-her girlfriend left 'n' I went up t' her 'n' accident'ly asked f'r fuckin' coffee. Then dumped m' rubbish on her. Then we were suddenly talkin' 'bout our favourite colours."

James snorted. "What _is_ your favourite colour?"

"Red."

"Boring." James said and Jian didn't know why it made him smile. "Mine's orange."

"Did I ask?"

James laughed. A pleasant beat passed. And then, "Hey, have you thought about things since Monday?"

Jian's stomach shifted. He gnawed on his lip. "...sex stuff?"

"Yeah." James let out an amused breath. "Sex stuff."

Jian swallowed. Of course he'd been thinking about it. He'd hardly thought of anything else. But _talking_ about it was a whole nother matter. "Find it--" He bit the inside of his cheek. "-hard. Over the phone."

"Why baby?"

Jian frowned at his knees. "Just do."

"Okay." he let out a quiet breath. "Okay. You said you had a swim meet on Saturday?"

Jian nodded to himself. "Mn."

"When does it finish?"

"Three."

James made a noise of consideration. "Okay. I'll pick you up from the bakery at four? We'll talk then."

Jian scratched his nail over concrete. "'Kay." Was it _truly_ necessary to talk? He'd really rather not.

"Alright." James said softly. "So, tell me about the meet."

Jian sighed and leant his head back.

* * *

It was just a casual tournament; a warm-up for the ones to come. His mum came to watch. Jian swam in 6 individual categories, plus all three team relays, and stood on the podium 7 times.

He was pleasantly surprised. He'd been easily distracted and his nerves had little to do with the races.

On the way home, his mum asked if he wanted to go out for food, as a treat. Guilt snaked through him as Jian said he didn't feel like it.

* * *

James's car was already parked at the end of the small car park and Jian's stomach attempted to reside in both his mouth and his toes when he spotted it. He was not a fan of the sensation.

"You okay?" James asked as Jian settled into the passenger's. He was wearing blue jeans, white sneakers; a white dress shirt, under a beige sweater and an army green jacket.

"Mn." Jian nodded. "You?"

"Mmhm. How'd the meet go?"

Jian leant his head back and closed his eyes as James began to reverse. "Okay."

"Seatbelt." he murmured, waiting for Jian to comply before asking, "Do I get details?"

"No." Jian said, feeling his lips begin to curl upward. "Where're we goin'?"

"I was just gonna park by the waterfront. We'll talk in here, though." he said. "I assume you don't want to discuss this kind of stuff in public. Hey," He stopped behind a red mini and clicked open the centre console. He took out a bottle, which he handed Jian. "I got you this."

Jian accepted it, unable to stop the helpless smile that spread across his face. "Chocolate milk?"

"Mm. Isn't it good for muscle recovery?"

Jian bit his lip and uncapped it. "Thanks."

James watched him take a sip, smiling softly. "No problem."

Jian swallowed and screwed the lid back on as they started off again. "Got. Four firsts."

James glanced at him. His smile now held affection and pride and suddenly Jian's heart was _pounding_. "That's amazing."

Jian looked out his window and swallowed the _fuck off_ on the tip of his tongue.

"What were they for?" James asked, one hand sliding off the wheel and resting idly on his knee.

"Two were f'r butterfly." Jian said, keeping his gaze fixed outside. "F'r the hundred 'n' two hundred. 'N' also the four hundred medley." He paused, trying to remember the other one. "'N' then we got first in the hundred medley relay."

"Wow." James murmured and he sounded genuinely impressed.

Jian worried his heart would burn itself out at the rate it was going. He swallowed. "Got second f'r the two hundred backstroke 'n' third f'r the two hundred medley." He dropped his eyes to his chocolate milk and thumbed the label. "Then we got second 'n the hundred free relay. 'N' two fifths f'r the rest."

James was quiet for a moment and Jian appreciated the way his tidy, boxed beard followed the line of his cheekbone. "Wish I could've watched." James finally said, eyes on the traffic ahead.

Jian blinked at the side of his face, stomach jumping. "I..." He didn't know what to say. He felt warm and tight and swallowed, shifting his gaze out the windscreen. James was _proud_ of him. He was really, actually proud of Jian. And Jian-- liked this feeling a lot. "thanks."

James let out a light, amused breath.

* * *

After a quick stop at a sushi place where James hopped out and bought Jian a box of salmon and avocado sushi (also _good for muscle recovery_ ), he parked in a half-empty car park at the upper end of the waterfront.

Jian poked a piece of pickled ginger.

James leant forward to turn the heating down.

The water was a greenish-grey today; its surface uneven and blustery.

Jian picked up an escaped clump of rice and delivered it to his mouth.

"Good sushi?" James asked.

"Mn."

James let out a soft breath.

Jian swallowed.

Rain began to softly fall.

"So," James started and Jian's stomach twisted. "you still don't want to ask me anything?"

Jian put a bit of ginger on top of a roll. "Nn." He kept his eyes on his food and hoped James would pretend not to see his pink ears. "Is--" He gnawed on his lip. "-'m I supposed t' ask 'nythin'?"

"You're not _supposed_ to do anything." James told him evenly.

Jian rearranged the ginger. "Mum said I had the H-- BV thing."

He'd asked her over dinner on Thursday night, under the guise of hearing about it in a biology lesson and getting curious. His mum hadn't batted an eyelid, telling him he had all his vaccinations. In fact, he was coming up to his annual influenza shot.

"HPV." James corrected with a quiet breath of amusement. "Okay. Good."

Jian bit into the roll, chewed and swallowed.

"Have you thought about boundaries?" James asked.

Jian had done a small amount of research and he still didn't quite understand what _boundaries_ meant. 

He ate the second half of his sushi roll and slid down in his seat.

But if he told James he didn't understand, wouldn't that make James doubt his being ready for this? But if he _didn't_ tell James, maybe Jian would mess up when they were actually having sex and James would be angry with him.

God, this was all so _confusing_.

He stared at his food and felt his stomach twist. "I don't-- 'nderstand."

James didn't immediately answer and Jian began to panic. Raindrops pattered against the car. The heating hummed softly in the background. "Baby," He eventually said. "look at me, please?"

Jian didn't want to.

"Jian."

 _Fuck_. Was this kind of thing so hard for everyone? Jian reluctantly lifted his gaze. James's face was calm and open, but his brows were knitted slightly.

"What don't you understand?"

Jian _didn't know_. "I-" All the articles he'd tried to read about boundaries used stupid words like _assertion_ or _articulate_ and Jian _knew_ what they meant, but the sentences were difficult to follow and the concepts even harder to grasp and he didn't want James to think he was stupid or unprepared. "-I- can- c'you give me-- examples?" He asked, eyes shifting to rest on James's left shoulder.

"Yeah, of course." James nodded and Jian felt a rush of intertwined relief and gratitude. James glanced out the windscreen, thinking. "So, for me, being open about sexual health is important." He started, looking back to Jian. "I prefer bareback but you don't have to worry about that - I'll wear a condom. I don't like," He huffed out a laugh. "I don't like my feet being touched. I like cuddling afterwards."

That was... easy. Easy to understand, easy to remember.

James gave him a soft smile. "Is there anything you know you don't like? Anywhere you don't want to be touched?" He prompted.

Jian shook his head. "I-" He looked at his sushi for a second, before placing his gaze on James's chin. "-'nly-- I don't…"

It was hard because Jian didn't do much by himself. He'd only started tentatively touching his nipples after James had, that night they went to the aquarium. He'd started fingering himself more regularly after meeting James, too, but it was all but once with one or two fingers; either on his back with his legs spread, or on all fours. He'd never experimented much because touching himself already made him feel guilty and gross.

"Okay," James started when Jian didn't finish his sentence. "what about things you _do_ like? It's okay if you don't know yet."

Jian swallowed. "Like--" He shifted his gaze again; settled it on James's knee. "-it-- liked your cock 'n m' mouth." He mumbled. "A lot."

"Mmhm." James encouraged. "What about when you finger yourself?" He asked, voice soft.

Jian was _burning_ with embarrassment. He dropped his chopsticks inside and closed his sushi box, sticking the tape back on; the crinkling was loud against the heating's faint hum. There was no way he was gonna be able to eat anymore. He refused to look away from the sushi and didn't know how to answer.

James, predictably, seemed to sense this. "Tell me what you think about." His tone was so _gentle_ and _kind_ and Jian came to the conclusion he was the nicest man alive. His chest _hurt_ with how much he liked him.

"Just--" Jian swallowed. "-you." He knew that wasn't what James was looking for but this was _hard_ and he was _trying_. "Think 'bout-- usually you fuck-- fr'm behind."

"Yeah?"

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and risked a glance at him. He still looked calm and focused. Jian swallowed. "Like it-- like it a lot when--" He bit his lip. "-you. Talk t' me."

James hummed. "What do I say?"

Jian flicked his eyes up again because surely James knew. Going by the weekend at the hotel, _surely_ he had worked out the words Jian liked to hear.

James's lips twitched. "Do I call you pretty? Tell you you're a good boy?" He asked and Jian's gut squirmed.

He managed a jerky, embarrassed nod.

"Okay." James nodded back. "And you're still sure about this?"

Jian gave another nod, this one far more confident.

James smiled. "Okay." He said, softer. He broke eye-contact to pull out his phone and check the time. "Okay." He repeated, slipping the phone away and sighing lightly. "I should- I'll take you back, alright?"

Jian's stomach twisted with something different but no less familiar. Disappointment. "Mn."

James started on his seatbelt. "But we can keep talking about this. Whenever you need."

Jian nodded, reaching for his own seatbelt.

The car hummed to life and James held the back of Jian's seat as he reversed. "You did well. Thank you."

Jian picked up his chocolate milk from the cup holder, ignoring the warmth coursing through him. He wasn't sure what to say, so decided on offering James a very small smile.

The smile he got in return made his heart feel like it was bursting.

* * *

Monday afternoon saw him in Fuckoffee. This time, he was skipping calculus.

Kendra smiled at him from across the table.

Jian broke off a piece of apricot danish (given to him at half-price - something about a discount for sad, gay youths; Jian had not been amused). "You ain't got work t' do?"

Kendra snorted. "It's never busy when it rains. Besides, Kelvin'll be here in a minute."

Speak of the devil. The door opened with a jingle and a tired, damp-looking young man ducked in. Kendra shot him a smile and received a grunt for her efforts. The man made a beeline for the counter and disappeared into the backroom.

"So, Jian." Kendra helped herself to a bit of the danish. "How come your school lets you skive off like this?"

"'M good at sports." he muttered, leaning back in his seat and wrapping his hands around his drink.

Kendra wrinkled her nose. "Course you are."

Jian squinted at her.

"Hate sports." she sighed, long and resigned. "My girlfriend loves them. She played volleyball throughout school."

Jian nodded, eyes dropping to his drink. "Your--" He swallowed as nerves jostled about in his tummy. "-your fam'ly know 'bout her?"

"Mm. They think she's great."

Jian thumbed the edge of his mug. "How'd you tell them?"

"It wasn't really a thing." Kendra let out a small breath. "The tricky bit was before, when I came out as trans."

Jian glanced up at her.

"It was an accident, actually." she said. "I was in the car with my mum and just blurted out that I didn't want to be a boy."

Jian tried to imagine how his mum would react to him blurting _I like men_.

"And my mum," Kendra snorted. "was just like," She put on a stupid voice. " _oh. Well. Good._ "

Jian felt his eyebrows jump.

"I was surprised too." Kendra nodded. "I knew it'd be okay; my parents are very relaxed. But it's still something I thought they'd struggle to understand." She glanced out the window. "But I asked to be seen as a girl, so they saw me as a girl. And it all started to make sense."

Jian felt a strange, sad sort of warmth fill his chest. "Nice fam'ly."

Kendra hummed in agreement, looking back. "It was hard and scary too." She told him. "There was conflict and frustration. There were awkward conversations and questions I didn't want to answer." She rested an elbow on the table and dropped her chin on her palm. "But it turned out well because of regular, honest communication. That can be hard."

No shit. Jian took his lower lip into his mouth. "S'it like?"

She raised her eyebrows.

Jian swallowed. "S'it like t'-- be open with them. Take your girlfriend t' meet them? Talk 'bout-- gay shit with them?"

Kendra laughed. " _Gay shit_?" She mimicked and Jian threw her a glare. She sighed. "It's nice. But I don't really have a reference point. I came out when I was pretty young; I forgot what it's like to hide things."

Jian took a sip of his latte.

Kendra watched him. "What's it like for you?"

His mug _clinked_ as he put it back down. "Shit." He muttered, eyes on the table. "M' mum--" He bit the inside of his lip, stomach rolling. "-hates gays."

Kendra made a noise. It was sympathetic. Jian's gut twisted. She picked at the danish again. "Your friends?"

Jian shook his head slightly. "They--" He swallowed. "-can't tell them."

"They're homophobic too?"

Jian looked up at her. "Not--" Her eyes were bright and her skin was a warm brown. "-but they-" He set his jaw. "-it'd fuck ev'rythin' up."

She looked away with a small smile, eyes finding the worker now wiping down the coffee machine. "People can be surprising." She said, looking back. "I find it helpful not to project my fears onto them."

Jian didn't know what that meant.

Her smile suddenly changed from placid to cheeky. "Hey, farm boy, d'you have any crushes?"

Jian scowled at her. "None 'f your fuckin' business."

"C'mon!" she laughed. "Talk to me about boys."

Jian swallowed and watched her for a moment. "One." He finally said, so quiet he wasn't sure it was even audible.

Her eyebrows wiggled.

Jian grit his teeth and looked away. "He--" He swallowed, fixing his eyes on his half-finished drink. "-s'the nicest person 've ever met. 'N' the most handsome."

Kendra laughed and it vaguely reminded Jian of Desmond.

"He-" he ran his thumb over the handle of his mug. "-s'generous 'n' funny 'n' comfortin'. 'N' really fuckin' smart. Kind. Patient. Has a nice voice. 'N' smells so fuckin' good."

Cue another laugh.

"Kinda. Worried--" Jian swallowed thickly. "-think 'm-- 'n love." His stomach lurched. "With him."

"Oh my." Kendra hummed, grinning from ear to ear. "What's his name?"

Jian stared at the table. "James."

"James." Kendra repeated wistfully. "Well, he sure sounds nice."

Jian nodded.

James was so much more than nice.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian's head hit the bathroom wall with a dull _thunk_. "Just." He swallowed and tried to ignore the harsh ache in his chest. "You busy?"

" _Why_?" Desmond asked. He was pouting, even around a mouth full of nachos.

Jian looked disdainfully at the sauce all over his face. " _Have a tooth appointment-_ "

"- _you mean dentist_ -"

"- _f_ _uck off dictionary._ "

" _But we_ need _you-_ "

"- _didn't you say Noah's 'mproved heaps_?"

Desmond scoffed. " _Yeah. I did. But I didn't_ mean _it._ "

" _Then be more careful with your words._ " Jian told him.

Desmond rolled his eyes, leaning back on Jian's sofa. " _Why'd you get an appointment at that time anyway_?"

Jian reached over and took a nacho for himself. " _M' mum did it._ " It was a poor lie, but it was one Jian knew he'd be able to get away with.

Desmond groaned. " _Okay._ " He let out a long sigh. " _Fine. I suppose it's just one game. So_!" He straightened up and just like that his bad mood was gone. " _Wanna play laser tag on Sunday_?"

Jian got another nacho chip and looked to the TV, watching Denethor eat chicken as his son rode to Osgiliath. " _No._ " He tried, hoping Desmond wouldn't push.

Alas. " _Why not_?"

Jian set his jaw as Faramir drew his sword. " _Have t'_ \--" He was so fucking bad at excuses; it had taken him nearly three days to come up with the dentist one. " _-work 'n a routine._ "

Desmond made a small, intrigued noise, crunching on a corn chip. " _For dance?_ _Such a busy boy this week._ "

Jian threw him a dirty look.

" _Busy boy._ " Desmond repeated because he was an idiot. " _Busy bee. Busy boy-bee._ "

Jian refused to believe he was amused by this. " _Get outta m' fuckin' flat._ "

" _Oh_?" Desmond said. "Your _flat. You_ own _it now_?"

Jian kicked him. " _Shut_ up." He laughed.

* * *

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:32

Also you should change your voicemail

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:32

?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

You sound like you’re about to cry

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

recoring voice

dont like

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

Why not?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

awkwad

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

Can I call?

  
  


iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

dont wan tmy mum to hear

her room next to mine

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

Ok

Tell me about your day :)

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

watch return of the king after sc hool w des

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

That’s lord of the rings?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:33

favorit movies

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:34

Seriously?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:34

u dnt like

?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:34

I'm not big on fantasy

Haven't seen them

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:34

is got rly good plot n chracters n the

battle scenes r rly good

n the world is awesome

u should watch

m

aybe togther

?

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:34

You’re adorable

Watching together sometime sounds good x

iMessage  信息

今天下午 10:37

is portland nice

* * *

Jian's mum smiled from her spot on the sofa.

He shut the door behind himself, surprised. " _Hey._ "

" _Hey honey._ " she looked back to the TV. " _How was your game_?"

It hadn’t been good; coach had told Jian to focus more times than either of them could count. They'd lost. As Jian was packing up his things, coach (with a face unnaturally red) had come very close to hitting him. He switched his old trainers for slippers and came over to see what she was watching. " _Fine._ " Some sort of K-drama.

" _That's_ _good_." she hummed. " _Can you turn the rice off_?"

Jian nodded and padded to the kitchen. He switched off the hob and peeked under the steamer lid. The smell of freshly steamed rice was one of his favourites.

He went to his room and dumped his bag on his desk, before flopping onto his bed. He trailed a line of cracked paint with his eyes. This time in two days, he'd be on a plane. His stomach flipped.

He felt happy and excited, but he was also nervous, unsure and hesitant. Which in turn made him feel guilty, because it was _James_. He didn't want his stupid insecurities and teenage fucking angst to taint the time they spent together.

He found it confusing. He found it confusing that he wanted James to fuck him _so badly;_ so much he sometimes didn't know what to do with himself. But as the time approached, desire turned to anxiety.

He found it confusing the anxiety was even there to begin with. Of course James made him nervous, but they were _good_ nerves; warm, tight, fluttering nerves. The feeling in his gut now was cold and tangled. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like it because James was so kind yet _this_ was how Jian felt. It wasn't right.

Mumbling a colourful string of curses, he rolled off his bed and decided to think about something else for once. He shuffled back to the living room and dropped next to his mum.

He watched a character cry on-screen. " _Mum_?"

" _Mm_?"

" _Gonna-- stay with Des this weekend._ " he said, keeping his eyes trained on the telly.

" _Sure._ " she happily accepted.

" _Gonna go with him 'fter school 'n Friday._ " he said, chewing the inside of his lip. " _I'll be back Sunday night._ "

" _You guys have something nice planned_?"

Jian's gut twisted. " _Uh. Las- laser tag._ "

" _Oh, how fun_!"

Jian's gut twisted some more. " _Mn._ "

She hopped up off the sofa. " _I'm making sha cha chicken_!"

Jian swallowed and glanced behind, watching her move to the fridge.

" _Do you want it extra spicy today_?" she asked thoughtfully, grabbing the chicken with one hand and poking about for something else.

" _Mn_." guilt churned inside him. " _Thanks._ "

* * *

His phone rang as he was doing the dishes and he ignored it.

Upon finishing, he told his mum he was going for a walk; a walk which took him to the dilapidated basketball courts nearby. He sat on the edge, at the end furthest from where two girls were playing.

James picked up after two rings. "Hey baby."

Jian swallowed. "Hey."

"How was your day?" James asked.

Jian watched the taller of the two girls shoot a hoop and could faintly hear their laughter. "M' 'Nglish teacher used scissors t' stir her tea."

James laughed.

Jian felt his stomach flutter. "Lost m' basketball game." He chewed his lip. "Did bad."

James made a curious noise. "Why's that?"

"Just." Jian looked at his slide sandals. "Dunno. I-- I- s'thinkin'. 'Bout Friday."

"Excited?" James asked, sounding like he wore a smile.

Jian swallowed. He was feeling far more than excitement. But it was messy and he didn't want to get into it. So he said, "Want t' see you."

"Yeah?" James let out a soft breath of amusement. "I wanna see you too."

Jian's stomach fluttered some more. He leant forward to pick at the peeling rubber of his sandals. "Can- can I ask you somethin'?"

"Mmhm."

Jian swallowed. "It-- I- I feel like-" He frowned at his sandals, something leaden sliding into the base of his gut. "-how's it feel t' lie t' your-- wife?"

James was quiet for a moment, until Jian heard him let out a little breath. "It's complicated, Jian."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "S'that mean?"

"You don't know what _complicated_ means?" James asked and Jian's gut dropped. Sarcasm.

He wasn't used to that tone from James; it was almost like he'd been slapped. Jesus. He was way too fucking sensitive. "I..." He didn't know what to say.

James sighed. "Sorry, that--" A second passed. "-yes, I feel guilty." James told him evenly. "But she can't give me what I want."

Jian's gut shifted again. Something sharp snaked through; something heavy lurched; and something else, something hot, pulled tight. Of all the thoughts racing through his mind, the one he voiced was: "'N' I can?"

"Yeah." James said and Jian's heart skipped a few beats. "You can."

* * *

For reasons unknown to everyone, Noah was eating with them this Thursday lunchtime.

Jian sleepily watched Leo massage Benson's shoulders, nibbling on a rice cracker. His mood had lifted today. Nerves were nigh permanently swirling in his gut, but they were thankfully more in line with excitement now. He was feeling content. It was nice.

A group of first-years walked past the courts where they were sat.

"The one in the middle is _definitely_ bent." said Noah around a yawn and Jian immediately tensed. "D'you think he _has_ to act so effeminate? It's kinda..."

Jian's stomach twisted nastily. Suddenly, every breath he took felt like it would give something away.

Desmond leant around Jian in order to smack Noah on the head. Hard. "Bro, what the fuck?"

" _Ow_!" Noah shuffled away, rubbing his temple. "What?" He asked, squinting at Desmond. "I was just making an observation."

Jian's heart was pounding so hard it was painful. He watched as Desmond _glared_ at Noah. As if he was _angry_. Desmond Liao. Who was never seriously upset by anything anyone said. Ever.

"Keep that homophobic shit to yourself." he muttered, looking away.

Noah sat up slowly and Jian was certain his heartbeat was audible. "I wasn't being _homophobic_."

"Noah..." Benson tried; he wasn't one for conflict.

Noah continued to watch Desmond. "All I'm saying is that guy was clearly a fag."

Jian couldn't hear past the sound of rushing blood; past the _thump, thump, thump_ of his heart. Stomach turning, he watched Desmond clench a fist. 

"Des, relax bro." Isaac murmured and Jian felt nauseous.

"Are _you_ gay?" Noah asked.

Desmond let out a harsh breath and fixed his eyes back on Noah. "I didn't know calling out bigoted bullshit was gay."

Noah squinted at him. "Nah, but you sure are worked up."

Jian's heart stopped because, for _barely_ a split-second, Desmond's eyes flicked to him.

Almost as soon as it happened, however, he was refocused on Noah. "Fuck off, Williams." He said. "Don't you have other people to piss off?"

Noah blinked at him. "Hey man, I wasn't tryna start anything, just-"

"-I don't give a shit what you were trying to do." Desmond cut him off.

Jian's palms were sweaty; his mouth was dry; he accidentally tore a small chunk from the inside of his lip. Blood filled his mouth.

Noah snorted and looked to the others. "Think he's overreacting?" He asked Isaac; notorious for his devil-may-care personality.

Isaac burped. "Nah brother, I don't." He said and Jian felt like he'd been smashed over the head with a hammer. "Can't guarantee I won't punch you if you stay much longer, actually."

Noah rolled his eyes. "Jeez, okay." He reached for his bag. "I'll go find some other people to _piss off_." He zipped it up. "Really though," He paused and looked back to Desmond. "standing up for this kinda thing, aren't you worried people are gonna talk?"

With the way Desmond was looking at him, it was a miracle Noah didn't shrivel up like a worm in the sunlight. "I'd rather people thought I was gay, than thought I was homophobic."

Noah laughed. "You've got it wrong, man."

"Fuck _off_ , pencil dick." Leo murmured, uncharacteristically hostile.

Jian's chest was so tight that breathing was uncomfortable.

"Fine. I'm going." Noah grumbled, standing up. "You guys sure are touchy on this." He sighed, clicking his back. "Just tell me, which one of you is it?"

Jian was gonna be sick. He watched each of his friends give Noah disgusted looks.

Noah took a step back, raising pacifying hands. He was turning to leave when sardonic eyes landed on Jian and he paused. Jian couldn't _breathe_. "Holy shit," Noah started and it was akin to a sneer, "it's Nangong, right?"

Jian was gonna be _sick_. He could taste bile in the back of his throat. He was gonna vomit. He-

Benson's half-empty drink can hit Noah. Right on the left eyebrow.

" _Ow_ , fuck, Ben." Noah stumbled back, coke on his face and a red mark already blossoming. "Y'all are fucking ridiculous." He muttered, swiping fizzy drink off his face. "Jesus." And with that, finally, he left.

It was quiet.

Jian felt like he was about to cry. He couldn't move. There was a lump in his throat. His stomach _hurt_. He felt queasy. He didn't know what _to do_. He needed to _leave_. He needed- he _needed_ to talk to James.

"I was enjoying my coke." Benson broke the silence, tone wistful.

"Benny, I have an up and go." Isaac grabbed his bag and pulled out a drink, chucking it to Benson. "Nice shot, by the way."

"...banana." Benson read the carton. "I don't like this flavour."

"Then give it back." Isaac reached for it.

Benson evaded him. "No."

"Bro-"

"-I will drink it even if it kills me." Benson grinned. "Such is the power of friendship."

"You fucking dickhead." Isaac laughed.

Desmond dropped a solid arm around Jian's shoulders. "You guys tried the caramel flavour?"

Isaac wrinkled his nose. "Wish I hadn't."

Leo frowned mildly. "Was nice."

"Was _too_ fucking sweet."

"Strawberry's the best."

"Bull _shit_!"  
  


Jian listened to them bicker, staring blankly at the cracker he still held. The warm weight on his shoulders felt suffocating. His eyes stung. He swallowed thickly and fought the urge to leave.

* * *

As soon as the bell rang, he went on autopilot to Fuckoffee. Desmond tried to make eye-contact with him as they parted ways, but Jian wasn't ready to address whatever the fuck had just happened.

Kendra smiled as she saw him. "Hey farm boy." She straightened from cleaning a table. "Matcha latte?"

Jian was finding it hard to think. "C'I just. Sit?" He asked, quiet.

Kendra frowned at him but nodded nonetheless.

Jian took his usual spot and pulled out his phone.

James didn't pick up. Of course. Because he was busy with his job and had more important fucking things to do.

Jian teared up.

In the middle of the goddamn, fucking cafe. He teared up.

It was pathetic and stupid and embarrassing.

He went to the small, single bathroom in the back, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough that he tasted blood again.

His hands fucking shook as he flicked the lock.

His phone rang.

He stared at it through watery eyes for a second, before sniffing, swallowing and swiping to accept. "Hey." He couldn't tell whether or not his voice sounded normal.

"Hey, what's up?"

Jian's head hit the bathroom wall with a dull _thunk_. "Just." He swallowed and tried to ignore the harsh ache in his chest. "You busy?"

James paused. "Are you okay?" He asked.

Jian dug his nails into the palm of his free hand. "You're not busy?"

"I-" James exhaled lightly. "-what's wrong, sweetheart?"

Jian felt something warm and wet slip down his cheek and squeezed his eyes shut. "C'you just. Talk t' me?"

"What?"

"I-- 'bout 'nythin'. Just need-- please."

"Yeah, okay." James agreed softly. "So," He cleared his throat. "I, uh, just came out of a meeting." He began and Jian slid down to a sitting position, knees drawn tight against his chest. "Someone got up to present and his fly was undone." James said and Jian was barely following, just listening to the smooth, comforting tone of his voice. "I felt bad for him; he went bright red. But his presentation was good." There was a little bit of background shuffling. "So now, I'm in the temporary office they've given me and need to look at their pricing policies, which," He sighed. "is not something I particularly want to do. One of this company's senior team is leaving today, so there's cake." He said. "I think it's chocolate? It looks good, but I'm not big on cakes."

Jian was slowly beginning to feel less terrible. He sniffed. "You don't like cake?"

"I don't _dis_ like it." James said. "I'm indifferent."

"Mn."

"Tell you a dessert I do really like."

"Mn?"

"Treacle tart."

Jian scrunched up his face. His eyes had stopped watering. "No way."

"You don't like it?"

"Treacle tastes like shit." Jian told him and now he was a little more with it, he could hear the tight, scratchy quality of his voice.

James laughed quietly. "What desserts _do_ you like?"

Jian cleared his throat, wiping a forearm across his face. "Favourite's almond tofu. S'like-- jelly." Jian's brain refused to give him much more detail. "Always had it when I's a- a kid 'n summer."

"Tofu?" James asked and he sounded intrigued.

Jian made a slight noise. "S'no tofu 'n it. S'cos 'f the texture. S'got--" He swallowed. "-milk 'n' shit 'n."

James hummed. "Like panna cotta?"

Jian looked at the bathroom floor. He'd had panna cotta once or twice before, but didn't have the brain power to summon the memory right now. "Prob'ly."

James hummed again. A moment passed. "You wanna talk about anything, baby?" He asked gently. "Tell me what happened?"

Jian bit his lip, chest knotting. He opened his mouth but the words got stuck in his throat and his eyes began to burn again.

"It's okay if you don't want to." James softly assured him and that was it.

Jian started crying.

It was quiet but unmistakable. He sniffled and hiccupped and buried his head against his knees, hand gripping his phone so hard he was vaguely worried about snapping it. His entire body ached; sharp and painful. His nose started to block. His shoulders shook. Tears dribbled down his chin and neck with no sign of stopping. His throat constricted. His ribcage hurt with each sob that wracked through him. He bit down on his sweatpants, trying to muffle himself.

James just waited, occasionally murmuring something soft and sweet. Jian couldn't hear the individual words.

He wasn't sure how many minutes passed until he got it under control. There was a wet spot on his sweats from tears and saliva.

"What happened, sweetheart?"

Jian hated the itchy feeling on his cheeks; the hollowness of his chest. "I--" He took a shaky breath. "-I- I don't-" The thing was, he didn't even _know_ what was going on. "-m' friends kn- know 'm--" He couldn't finish his sentence.

James inhaled quietly. "You told them?" He asked, tone gentle and smooth. "Did it go badly?"

Jian sniffed and shook his head against his knees. "I- I-- I- I didn't _know_ they-- but- _fuck_." Tears started to gathering in his eyes again and Jian hated feeling like this. "Wanna see you." He managed, voice wobbly. "James, I wanna see you s- so fuckin' bad."

"Tomorrow, baby." he said, soft. "That's not too far away, right?"

Jian just bit his lip and swallowed down new sobs.

"Where are you, Jian?" James asked. "You at school?"

Jian closed his eyes. "'M 'n a-- bathroom. C- cafe."

"You going back? To school?" James asked gently.

Jian's stomach turned at the thought of facing his friends. "No."

"That's okay." James told him. "How about swimming?"

Jian shook his head against his knees. "Don't wanna go."

James hummed. "It might calm you down. Normality sometimes helps." He said. "And you like water."

"M' coach's weird." Jian mumbled. "Says shit like _Bob's your uncle_ 'n' _Gordon Bennett_."

James made a quiet noise of amusement. "Gordon Bennett?"

Jian sniffled. " _Gordon Bennett that s'quick_." He lifted his head and rubbed a hand over his face. "But s'better than m' basketball coach."

"Yeah?"

Jian looked at the bathroom ceiling. "You'd hate him." He said. "Swears more than me."

James laughed and Jian's chest responded in kind to the noise; some of the tension eased, if only a little.

"S'definitely got anger issues."

"I don't think someone with anger issues should be working with kids." James said evenly.

Jian managed a weak snort.

"You want me to stay on the line with you?" James asked after a moment.

A mixture of guilt and panic stabbed through Jian's gut. "Am I-- you- have t' go?"

"No, baby." James answered. "Not if you don't want me to." He said. "But I have some things to do. Do you want me to stay on the line while I work?"

Jian let out an uneven breath. "Mn."

"Okay."

Jian's heart ached. "Thank you."

James hummed and there was some more background shuffling; paper stacking, maybe. "Tell me something you learnt today."

Jian laughed. It was a tiny, dry laugh. But it was genuine. "Learnt 'bout--" Jian tried to remember. "-RNA."

"Yeah?" James murmured. "Tell me about that."

And so Jian did. He told James what little he remembered from this morning's biology class as James worked. Here and there, James would hum in acknowledgement or ask a question, but it was obvious his attention was split. Jian didn't mind in the slightest because either way, he was there and knowing that was enough.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gave a soft laugh, moving his spoon through rice and curry. "You're so cute." He murmured, looking at his food with his lips curled upward.

It took four busses to reach the airport, at around one o'clock. Most of them were half-full and Jian spent the time idly watching other passengers and wondering where they were going. He watched a mother calm her baby; watched an old man scowl out the window; watched a young girl hum along to her music. Sometimes people-watching made him feel hollow, as if he were lonely. He wasn't lonely.

The airport was a massive, intimidating building with people rushing about everywhere. It was too noisy and the lights were too bright. A harsh, tight anxiety entered Jian's chest as he tried to remember where he was supposed to go first.

He clenched his hand around his bag strap and kept to the walls as he made his way over to the check-in desks for domestic flights.

The woman behind the desk was bright and efficient, although rather patronising. She printed his boarding pass and checked his luggage, telling him it was fine to carry-on.

At security, a man in a crisp uniform checked his pass and ID and instructed Jian to place all his items in the bins for x-ray checking, then to step through the body scanner. The man spoke slowly and over-enunciated his words. Jian grit his teeth and wondered how different his experience would be if he were white, or black, or brown. When he was given the all-clear, Jian repacked everything and headed for gate 24, terminal D, as printed on his boarding pass.

This part of the airport was noticeably less busy and Jian felt himself relax a fraction. He went to a quiet area of seating and dropped into a chair beside the large window, looking out over some runways. There were two planes out there.

Fishing out his phone, he discovered he'd been in the airport for nearly an entire hour already. He was fucking exhausted. It was 11:06 in Portland.

He wondered if James was busy. Most likely. Jian shouldn't call.

He nibbled his lip and opened his camera instead. He took a lame selfie; looked at the camera and gave a thumbs-up, making sure to catch at least one big plane in the background. Unsatisfied with how the photo turned out (he looked grumpy and awkward), but too embarrassed to take another one, he pulled up his and James's message log.

iMessage 信息

今天下午2:07

[picture]

✈️

* * *

He slept on the flight. He had a window seat and was easily able to lean away from the business woman beside him. He closed his eyes and did his best not to think of anything. With the lack of sleep he'd achieved last night, it was surprisingly easy to drift off.

While not able to observe the beautiful skyscape, the good thing about sleeping on planes was the way time seemed to slip by quicker.

Jian only woke again when his neighbour jostled him politely.

"We're about to land." she smiled as he hazily blinked his eyes open.

Jian gave her a curt nod and wished he knew better how to respond to the kindness of strangers.

* * *

James was easy to spot.

There was a bunch of seating in the terminal's arrivals room but only a handful of people using it. James, of course, was one of them, in the front row.

He was in navy slacks and a white dress shirt, one ankle resting over the knee of his other leg as he focused on his phone. His brows were furrowed in concentration and Jian's nerves began to morph into something a lot warmer.

James didn't look up until Jian knocked his foot with one of his own. He looked surprised for a split-second, before a soft smile broke out on his face. "Hey baby."

Jian swallowed, heat flowing through him.

James stood up, naturally reaching over and taking Jian's bag for him. "Flight okay?"

Jian nodded.

James tilted his head. " _You_ okay?"

Jian really didn't know the answer to that. Nonetheless, he pulled himself together enough to smile. Just the tips of his lips. "Mn. You?"

"Mmhm." James began to lead him out. "I liked the picture you sent."

Jian swallowed the instinctive _shut up_ and prayed his chest wouldn't burst.

* * *

"Fancy car." he murmured as James stopped by a black model S Tesla.

"The company arranged it." James unlocked the vehicle and Jian watched the door handles extend from the doors. He thought it was dumb. James opened the rear passenger door to deposit Jian's bag. "It's not what I'm used to," He said, snapping the door shut and moving to the driver's. "but it's alright."

Jian nodded, pulling open the passenger's and slipping in. James soon enough followed suit.

"S'nicer than your other car." Jian told him, looking at the big screen set into the dashboard between the two front seats.

"No it's not." James sounded somewhere between offended and amused, pulling on his seatbelt.

Jian snorted and fastened his own.

James put his foot on the break and lifted the gear stick on the right side of the wheel, putting the car into reverse. "Are you really okay?" He asked, placing his hand on the back of Jian's seat as the car rolled backwards.

Jian didn't want to talk about that. "Car's so quiet." He muttered. It was clumsy and obvious, but it was all his small brain could conjure.

James let out a tiny sigh. "Yeah." He let Jian off. Because he was kind. "Driving it for the first time was pretty strange." He straightened up. "So," He glanced at Jian, wearing a soft smile. "wanna drop your things at the hotel first? Then we can find something fun to do."

Jian slid down in his seat, chest tight and warm. He nodded.

* * *

It was somehow much lighter than the room last time, despite probably having the same amount of natural light. The back wall was made up of a large wooden panel and a king-sized bed sat in the middle. The bed's headboard was a grey fabric, above which was a mellow painting. The carpet was a light blue, with a few darker stripes in an asymmetrical pattern.

Opposite the bed, the entire wall was a window, split into three panels and revealing an impressive view. Before the first panel, on the right and directly opposite the door, sat a sleek desk, made up of the same wood as the back wall. The middle panel, directly opposite the bed, had a sofa set into it and a TV hanging down from the top. Finally, the third panel was similar to the first with a sleek chest of drawers.

On the left wall was a door (presumably to the loo), a mini fridge and a small wet bar. Jian padded over to the door and opened it to find a long, marble bathroom. It had a big mirror, lots of storage and a walk-in shower.

"S'really nice here." he told James, coming back to the main room.

James smiled, setting Jian's bag down beside his own, half-unpacked on the drawers before the last window. "Yeah?"

Jian toed off his shoes and flopped onto the bed. "Mn." It was comfier than last time's.

James came over and sat at his hip. "Hungry?"

Jian pushed himself up into a sitting position. Come to think of it, he'd had a meat bun for breakfast and that was it. "A bit."

James nodded, he lifted a hand to fix some of Jian's hair at the front. "Feel like doing something, or do you just wanna relax?"

Jian swallowed, trying to ignore the gentle fingers in his hair. "What d'you want?"

James's hand moved to rest at the crook of Jian's neck. "I asked first."

Jian was tired. He was so tired. But he didn't think James would enjoy just sitting around in this hotel room. So he said, "C'we look 'round town f'r a bit?"

"Sure." James hummed.

Jian took in his calm and open face, before swallowing and shifting his eyes to the side. "James,"

"Mm?"

"about--" he wasn't sure precisely _what_ he wanted to ask. But he knew he had a question. "-I- are we-- t'night?"

James watched him quietly. "You're talking about sex, baby?" He clarified and Jian bit the inside of his cheek as he nodded. "We can do whatever you want." James told him after a moment and Jian's heartbeat sped up. "And if you decide-"

Jian's ringtone cut him off and Jian felt his stomach sink. He knew, even before digging it out, that it was Desmond.

He could feel James watching him as he stared at the ID filling his screen. His throat began to hurt. He wasn't sure what to do.

James stood. "I'm gonna use the bathroom." He said and it sounded much more like _I'll give you some privacy_.

Jian's gut lurched.

He swiped to accept but didn't say anything.

Desmond was unfazed. " _Hey dude, guess who just lost ninety-five to a hundred and four_?" As always, his voice was bright and friendly. Jian felt ill. " _How are your teeth_?"

" _'Smond_." Jian swallowed thickly. " _Don't- don't make me talk 'bout it._ "

" _What? Are your gums rotting_?" it was a poor attempt at humour.

Jian rubbed a hand over his eyes. " _Please_."

Desmond let out a little sigh. " _Yeah._ " There was another breath. " _Okay, I just wanted to check you're okay._ "

Jian bit his lip.

" _And I want to say that I'm sorry._ " Desmond continued. " _For all the times we teased you about_ _girls_ -"

"- _Des_ -" Jian could feel the telltale lump in his throat return.

"- _didn't want you to freak out-_ "

"- _Desmond_ -"

"- _knew you weren't straight b_ -"

"- _fuckin'_ stop." Jian managed and it was somewhere between angry and choked.

Desmond stopped.

Jian swallowed. " _I- I-- I can't- I_ can't _talk 'bout it. I- I_ \- _you can't-_ _please._ _Don't_ \--" His voice broke. "- _don't bring it up. Ever_."

Desmond was quiet.

Jian closed his eyes. " _Please_."

" _Okay_." he murmured. " _But you know it's fine, right? We love you regardless._ "

Jian felt wetness behind his eyelids.

A tense couple of seconds passed.

Jian didn't understand why he was reacting this way. It wasn't normal. It wasn't fair. He couldn't help it.

Desmond was quiet for a minute more. And then, as if nothing had ever happened, " _Okay, stinky boy. We'll s_ _ee you Monday_."

Jian swallowed. Hung up. Turned his phone off. Chucked it across the bed. 

James came out of the bathroom a moment later and Jian stared at his knees. James watched for a second, before coming to drop beside him. Jian caught the scent of his cologne as he sat.

"What happened yesterday?"

Jian swallowed.

"You said your friends found out?" James prompted.

Jian shook his head weakly. He flicked his eyes up. James's face was calm and holding an air of concern; his eyebrows were slightly drawn and his lips were in a steady line. Jian looked away, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "S'this guy. Noah." He started and it felt as if it was someone else speaking. "S'not part 'f the social team but he fills 'n sometimes. Was eatin' with us." 

James hummed quietly.

"Group 'f juniors walked past." Jian dropped his head on top of his arms, muffling his further words. "He said one 'f them s'gay. S'rude 'bout it." He shut his eyes and bit his lip. "'Smond hit him." The ache in his chest felt muted, like the sound of a lawnmower in the distance. "They argued. 'N' Isaac- I-- they all told him t' fuck off." Jian moved a hand into his own hair and fisted it. The slight pain was grounding. "'N' he was- 'bout t' leave-- he- he was _leavin_ ', but- he said he wanted t'- t' know which one 'f us was--" The ache in his chest suddenly grew sharper. "-'n' he looked straight at- at me." The hand in his hair tightened. It stung. "'N' he- _knew_ \-- 'n' I- I di- Benson threw his drink at him 'n' I- they-- I- I left when- when the bell rang." He swallowed, feeling fragile and high-strung.

A hand was placed over the one Jian had in his hair and gently tugged. Jian resisted for a moment, then unclenched his fist and allowed James to manoeuvre it away. "Baby, I want you to look at me."

Jian shook his head against his knees.

James sighed quietly. "Jian."

Jian felt like someone had twisted a piece of cold metal into his stomach.

James sighed again and slipped his hand into Jian's hair, stroking absently. "It sounds like your friends are pretty protective of you."

The metal in his gut was shoved deeper. "They-- weren't _supposed_ t' know." He bit the inside of his cheek so hard that it hurt. "I- I-- they- I didn't- didn't know they _knew_. They fuckin'-- all this t- time- I- I thought-- 'm not- I didn't _know_. The- the whole fuckin'-- they c- can't know, I- I- James, I _can't_ \--" And now his cheeks were damp again.

"C'mere sweetheart." James murmured.

And Jian went.

Without looking at his face, he moved into James's lap, tucked himself against his neck and gripped his dress shirt. James's arms closed firmly around him and fingers rubbed mindless circles into Jian's back. He wasn't quite crying, but tears were slipping out here and there, wetting James's neck and shirt.

He hated this moment.

He hated it because it wasn't fair. James had enough shit to deal with, yet here Jian was, crying on his fucking shoulder because his friends weren't homophobic. It was ridiculous. He didn't _understand_.

He sniffed wetly and shifted, lips brushing the skin of James's neck, just above his collar. "'M sorry." He mumbled. He screwed his eyes shut as guilt stabbed across his stomach. "'M sorry this always fuckin' happens. I- I don't mean t'-"

"-you don't have anything to apologise for."

"But I-" Jian pulled back. James was slightly blurry through the tears in his eyes. "-I always fuck up like this. I don't-- never used t' cry. I don't- I don't want-- 'sn't it borin' f'r you?"

James looked at him. "No, baby, it's not boring for me."

Jian scowled, before rubbing a forearm across his face and looking to the side. "But-- 'm so fuckin'-- fucked up. S'not fair 'n you."

James let out a breath. "This might come as a surprise," He started, a touch sarcastically. "but I care about you. Which _means_ ," His hands slid down to rest firmly at Jian's hips. "if you're upset, I want to know. Because then I can help."

Jian swallowed and reluctantly looked back at him.

"Having emotions isn't fucked up, Jian; being confused isn't fucked up." he said. "This right here," James lifted a hand and brushed his thumb over Jian's cheek. "the only thing it shows, is that you need this. You need to cry; you need to talk. You need _me_."

Jian bit his lip.

James watched the movement. "Whatever you're feeling, it's okay." His eyes moved back up to Jian's. "I'm glad I'm the one you're like this with; I'm glad I'm the one you come to." He said. "It shows you trust me. That's so important, baby."

Jian bit his lip a little harder before releasing. "You-" He dropped his gaze to James's belt between them. "-I--" He swallowed. As expected with James, he was shifting further from feeling nasty and tangled. His chest was growing warmer and the tightness was now closer to affection than to guilt. God, Jian didn't deserve this. "-you're so--" He swallowed, shifting his hands on James's chest a little. "-so- so--" He fiddled with one of his buttons, struggling to find a word big enough. "-so... good."

James huffed out a breath of laughter. "Good?"

It was definitely lacking but Jian nodded anyway, lifting his gaze. "I--" His heart picked up its pace and his voice was quiet. "-like you so much."

James's lips twitched. "How much is _so much_?" He asked, tilting his head to the side.

Jian felt his ears burn and swallowed loudly. He knew James was teasing; he knew it was playful; he knew he should be amused. But all he felt was something hot and overwhelming and almost _painful_. Something he'd cautiously called love. "A lot."

"A lot." James repeated, lips curved upward. "I like you a lot too."

Jian swallowed again and looked to the side. "This is so 'mbarrassin'."

James laughed. "Okay." The hands at his hips squeezed lightly. "Let's go get you something to eat."

Jian wondered if it was really okay to like one person so much.

* * *

He bought himself a cheap sandwich from a bakery and they sat on a bench while he snacked. His mood had exponentially improved.

James laughed. "Why?"

Jian bit his lip. "I mean-"

"-you said you loved the ocean."

Jian threw him an insincere glare and took another mouthful. "I dwo."

James snorted. "But you're afraid of it."

Jian swallowed. "'M afraid 'f--" He made a vague gesture with his sandwich. "-what's _'n_ the ocean."

"Baby, you-" James laughed again. "-are you afraid of everything you like? Thought you loved marine life."

Jian groaned despite the smile on his face. "S'not- I do. S'just," He looked at his food. "don't wanna be swimmin' 'round 'n' see a giant fuckin' shadow 'nderneath me." He glanced up at James. "Do hate squid though."

James grinned. "Yeah, they're pretty freaky." He looked out from the bench. "So that's the only thing you're scared of?"

Jian took another mouthful. Of course he was scared of more than the ocean. But his other fears were a tad more complex and he didn't want to be misunderstood. So instead, he swallowed and asked, "What're you scared 'f?"

"Snakes."

Jian snorted.

James clipped him lightly on the ear. "Don't laugh-"

"- _you_ laughed at me." Jian scoffed.

James ignored him. "I don't like small spaces."

Jian watched the people around them; walking up and down the street. He wondered what he and James looked like to them. "I do." He mumbled. "Make me feel safe."

James looked at him. "Weird." He said and looked back ahead. "My biggest fear," He started. "is coming out to my parents."

Jian dropped his eyes to the last of his sandwich. "Mn." He agreed. "S'fuckin' terrifyin'."

* * *

Jian flicked a two-pack of ballpoint pens from where he stood, a little way down the aisle from James. _$39.99_. They were _pens_.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and made his way to James. "S'wrong with normal pens?"

James huffed out a laugh, picking up a fountain pen and turning it to read the back of the packet. "I have this thing;" He started, eyebrows drawn gently as he skimmed the description. "I can't focus if I'm writing with bad pens."

Jian rolled his eyes and bobbed down to inspect some $80 fountain pens.

"Besides," James slotted the pen back and picked up its neighbour. "quality is worth paying for."

Jian made an ambiguous noise in response, straightening and following James toward the checkout.

"Hey folks." the guy smiled at them.

James smiled back and slid his ridiculously overpriced pen onto the counter. "Just this, thanks."

"No worries. We havin' a good day?" he asked, scanning the tag. "Doing some writing?"

James nodded politely.

The guy tapped the screen a few times. "Sixty-four ninety-nine." He gestured to the eftpos machine. "This is a great brand." He chuckled to himself and Jian didn't know why. "You two are an odd pair."

While Jian went tense, James just snorted quietly and swiped his card. "He's an international student from China." He lied easily and Jian blinked. "We're hosting him for a few months."

"Ah, I see." the guy nodded. He peered over James's shoulder and smiled at Jian. "Ni hao!" He said, very slowly. Then, even more slowly, he added, "Wel-come _to_ Am-eri-ca!"

Jian looked at him, then at James who seemed to be holding in a laugh. He bit the inside of his cheek and moved his eyes back to the checkout operator. He put on a thick accent. "Sank you. American is nice. Good to see you."

James bit his lip and took his pen.

"How sweet." the guy almost cooed, smiling at James. "Well, have a good one."

"And you." James managed and it came out a little uneven.

It was only once they were outside the shop that James allowed himself to laugh. " _Good to see you_." He mocked.

Jian snorted as they turned up the busy street. "What was I meant t' do?"

"No, I loved it." James grinned. "Just unexpected."

"Full 'f surprises." Jian mumbled.

James knocked his shoulder. "Full of surprises." He repeated, soft.

* * *

It was approaching half-six when Jian found it impossible to ignore how tired he was. They'd been wandering along the waterfront, talking about the worst films either of them had ever seen (James's was _What Happens in Vegas_ , Jian's was _Jonathan Livingston_ fucking _Seagull_ ) when James decided they'd head back.

They passed a Thai restaurant on the way and James grudgingly made good on his offer of letting Jian buy dinner; Jian ordered khao soi kai and James got gaeng hung lay.

"Here." James handed Jian their takeaway bag, shutting the room door behind them.

Jian mumbled a _thanks_ and kicked off his shoes.

He hesitated before the bed and glanced back to James, just to check. "Allowed t' eat 'n the bed?"

James laughed, toeing off his own shoes. "As long as you're comfortable."

Thus, Jian sat cross-legged with his back against the headboard and put their bag in front of him. James joined him after drawing the blinds and flicking on the lights. Jian handed him a plastic bowl marked _GHL_. "S'yours." He dug out some cutlery and a napkin for him.

James accepted them with a smile. "So," He started, "what do you wanna do tomorrow?"

Jian got his own food and cutlery and put the bag to the side. "Think I know 'nythin' t' do 'n this city?" He cracked the lid off his bowl.

James snorted. "No, but if you tell me the sort of thing you feel like, I could tell you if it's on the table."

Jian poked some pickled mustard greens. "Don't mind." He said honestly. "S'long as it's with you, I don't mind 'nythin."

James gave a soft laugh, moving his spoon through rice and curry. "You're so cute." He murmured, looking at his food with his lips curled upward.

Part of Jian - a very small part - flared in indignation, while the rest of him just flushed. He swallowed and dropped his eyes to James's curry. "Can I try?"

James breathed out another fond laugh. "Sure."

James watched him have a spoonful, soft smile seemingly stuck to his face. "I'm guessing you don't like museums?"

Jian shrugged a shoulder, swallowing and going back to his own curry. "'Nly been twice." He said. "Had t' go f'r a history thing last year. Don't hate them."

James had a mouthful of his dinner. "Do you like theme parks?"

Jian snorted, glancing at him. "D' _you_?" He asked, trying to picture James on a rollercoaster.

James's lips twitched. "I don't hate them."

Jian fought to keep his smile under control and kept eating.

"Do you like ice skating?" James asked. "Or there's the zoo."

Jian found both ideas appealing and swallowed his current mouthful. "Whatever you want."

James hummed in acknowledgement. "Guess we'll see how you feel tomorrow."

Jian scooped up some chicken and nodded.

Conversation dipped and they ate in a comfortable silence for a while. Jian enjoyed how warm and content he was feeling, after a pretty shitty couple of days.

He wished things could be simpler. He wished being with James could be less complicated. He wanted to be able to hold his hand in public, without fear or shame. He wanted not to worry about anyone finding out about them. He wanted to feel like what they were doing together wasn't dirty or dishonest or wrong.

He wanted to be _allowed_ to have James. Without guilt. Without judgement. Without obstacles.

But that wasn't how the world worked. So Jian would have to learn to be grateful for getting as much as he got.

"Jian?"

Jian looked over. "Mn?"

James collected a piece of pork on his spoon. "That cafe-owner," He took his mouthful, chewed and swallowed. "the lesbian," He glanced at Jian, brows knitted very gently. "what do you talk to her about?"

Jian felt his own eyebrows knit. He went back to his food, shrugging. "Haven't talked t' her much."

"No, but," James continued to watch him. "you actively sought out a connection with her."

Jian didn't really understand what James was getting at. "Cos. She's-- like us."

James had another quick spoonful. "But what do you talk to her about that you can't talk to me about?"

Jian frowned at his curry, taking a moment to unravel the question. He prodded a noodle. "I--" He didn't know. "-you."

"Right." James nodded. "What have you told her about me?"

No way in fucking hell was Jian going to come clean about that. "Just." He swallowed. "Mentioned you. She asked 'f I had a-- crush."

James hummed. "It's nice for you to have someone like her," He said. "but if you need to talk, I want you to come to me first, alright?" He glanced at Jian. "I care about you most."

Jian swallowed, heat rising to his cheeks. _I care about you most_. He nodded, heart racing.

James smiled softly. "Good."

Conversation dipped again and Jian focused on eating and getting his heart rate back to normal.

After a minute or so, James finished his curry and leant to put it on the bedside table. Jian's eyes, without permission, dropped to his crotch. All the times he'd fingered himself to the thought of James's cock suddenly flashed before his eyes and he went hot from head to toe. He stopped eating. It was hard to ignore when James was right there; their legs touching and body heat interlacing.

He swallowed and moved his gaze up. To James's hand. His left hand. The heat in Jian's gut twisted into guilt. He looked back to his dinner.

"James."

"Mm?"

Jian chewed his lip. A second passed. He pushed a piece of chicken around his bowl. "S'your wife's name?"

James was quiet and Jian's stomach knotted. Had he made a mistake? Was this topic off-limits?

And then, softly, "Olivia."

Jian felt his gut pang. _Olivia_. He nodded numbly.

"Olivia Grace Anderson." James added after a moment. "Though, her maiden name is Moore."

Jian knew he should leave it. It was a subject that made him feel like shit. But James was being so gentle. And Jian wanted to know. "How d'you-- feel 'bout her?"

James sighed and caught Jian's eyes. His face was soft, but held a serious edge. "She's nice." He said simply. "We get on."

Jian broke eye-contact, stomach rolling. "When--" He shouldn't ask. "-what d'you-- think 'bout when-" Jian stared at what remained of his dinner. "-when you-- fuck her?"

James was quiet again.

Jian reluctantly flicked his eyes upward, just to try and gauge his mood. James ran his eyes over Jian's face and Jian couldn't read him.

"It depends." James finally spoke, looking away.

"'N what?"

James let out a soft exhale. "Lots of things." He said. "My mood; her mood; what position we're in; the atmosphere."

Jian said nothing to that. He wasn't sure he wanted to continue down this path.

James watched the side of his face quietly for a few seconds. "I think of recent hook-ups. Or ones that were particularly good." He said looking away. "It's easier when I'm taking her from behind."

"'N' that's how you--" Jian already regretted asking. "-stay hard?"

James breathed out a sigh. "Kind of. It's-- complicated."

Jian didn't know if he could finish his curry and just looked at it.

"She has a low sex-drive." James said. "So it's only once a month or so, which is lucky."

Jian scratched the cheap wood of his chopsticks. He didn't know what to say.

"I thought of you the last time we had sex." James said and Jian stopped breathing.

He looked over. James smiled, just the tips of his lips, before looking at the blank TV.

"It was the day we first met." he started and Jian didn't know whether or not to tell him to stop. "Obviously at that point I didn't intend on," He made an ambiguous hand gesture. "acting on my attraction to you." He said. "So I thought it would be okay to think of you instead."

Jian swallowed thickly, unfocused eyes on his food. "What-- did you think?" He chest tightened and his heartbeat sped up. "About me." He added needlessly.

James took his time responding. He ran his eyes over the side of Jian's face and Jian ignored the feeling of being watched, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. "I thought about your mouth, at first." James finally said. "She was sucking me off and it was easy to close my eyes and think of you."

Jian felt himself burn with embarrassment and nerves and guilt and arousal.

"Thought about your pretty lips wrapped 'round my cock, thought about-"

Shit. Nope. Jian _couldn't_ listen to this. He _physically_ couldn't listen; dick already beginning to take an interest. "-James." He muttered, glaring at his dinner and wondering how they got here. He'd wanted to know James's wife's name. That was all. This wasn't- after talking about his fucking _wife_ , Jian didn't want- it wasn't fair-- _fuck_.

James, thank Christ, stopped.

An awkward beat passed.

Jian bit his lip, poking a noodle with a chopstick. "I- I didn't-- sorry. Just-" He swallowed. "-s'too much."

James dropped a gentle hand into Jian's hair. "Don't apologise."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek.

James exhaled lightly, fingers trailing through strands. "You're not finishing your dinner?"

Jian stopped poking his food and put his chopsticks down. "James. I- I didn't--" James had told him not to apologise but Jian _needed_ to. "-I-" He hesitantly lifted his gaze, taking in James's calm face. "-'m sorry." He said, voice small. He watched James's eyebrows draw together and continued. "I-- don't know how- y'said not t' 'pologise but--" He chewed his lip, struggling to find a way to explain his fucked up thoughts. "-I can't- I don't know what t' do when I feel like this 'n'-- you tell me I can't--" There was no hope in hell James would be able to follow his stupid, messy, childish ramblings. He took a small breath. "-I shouldn't've asked 'bout her. I didn't-- 'n' it wasn't fair t' tell you t' stop when I _asked_ you t' tell me 'n the first place." He flicked his eyes down, before meeting James's gaze again. "'M sorry."

James just watched him. The fingers slipped out of his hair and he bought his hand to rest at the crook of Jian's neck; thumb brushing softly over skin. "It's okay baby." He said. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Jian let out a small, uncertain noise, breaking eye-contact again. "But I _did_ , I-"

"-Jian." James cut in, voice still gentle but now holding a firm edge. "You _didn't_ do anything wrong." He repeated, eyes fixed on Jian's. "It's natural for you to be curious about my wife. I don't mind. It's natural for you to be curious about my fantasies of you. I don't mind. It's natural for you to feel overwhelmed. It's natural for you to change your mind." James paused in order to look at Jian, thumb still brushing smoothly over his skin. "I don't mind any of that. Speaking up about what you need will always be more important than worrying about whether or not you're being fair." Jian opened his mouth to argue but James didn't allow him to. " _If_ you are being unfair, we can talk about it. But if you stay quiet, I won't know. And I need to know." He said and Jian felt nearly on the verge of tears now. James's thumb stopped moving. "Do you understand, Jian?"

Jian swallowed and his throat clicked. "I 'nderstand." He said, very quietly.

"Okay." James responded and Jian didn't understand how he could be so fucking, unbelievably perfect.

He bit his lip, chest full and tight. "Thank you."

James let out the smallest breath of laughter. Instead of replying with words, he leant down and kissed Jian.

Jian found himself wanting more when James pulled back, but decided on focusing on finishing his dinner first.

James idly told him about genome editing until Jian's bowl was empty and he was feeling happy again. Of course, Jian didn't understand half of what James explained. But he suspected James knew it was more about the sound of his voice than the actual words he spoke.

Jian was a little scared of how easy James found him to read. But much more than that, it made him feel safe.

Even if Jian himself didn't know what he felt or meant or needed, James did.

There was immense comfort in that.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian moved his eyes up. "Hurt me?" He repeated, very softly. "Don't think you could ever-- hurt me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i offer u some porn in this trying time  
>   
> heads up theres uhh slight coercion/dubcon at one point uh so take care if that icks u out (verbal consent is given but non-verbal indicators are willfully overlooked. uh and theres the use of leading statements)  
> lmk if u feel i should update the tags, i wasnt sure

"What about if you could change one thing about yourself?" James asked. "The shape of your nose or something. What would it be?"

They'd been relaxing for almost four hours now. Around the half-hour mark, while lazily making out, Jian had timidly alluded to sex. James had told him it would be better to wait until Jian was finished digesting his dinner.

And so, they'd watched an episode of a shitty soap opera, which Jian had mostly slept through. They'd brushed their teeth. They'd wrestled, but stopped when Jian's dick decided it wanted some attention. They'd nearly pissed themselves laughing over Jian's first time making coffee (it was at Isaac's house; the five of them had been gaming. Jian was put in charge of coffee and sent to the kitchen. He'd stood there, unsupervised and unsure, before deciding on pouring the bag of coffee beans into a pot of water and boiling it on the hob). It hardly warranted the level of laughter it got. But with the right person, certain things often became inexplicably sidesplitting. Now, they were sat beside each other, talking.

Jian watched the blank TV. There was a fair bit he'd want to change, he wasn't sure where to even start. "Maybe be taller." James laughed and Jian threw him a scowl. "S'not funny."

James just snorted. "You're not even short. You're, what? Five foot six? Seven?"

"Seven." Jian muttered. "Doesn't mean I don't want t' be taller."

James hummed good-naturedly. "I like your height."

It was Jian's turn to snort and he shook his head. "'Kay." He mumbled, looking at the collar of James's shirt. "So." He frowned. "What would you change? 'Bout me?"

"About you?" James echoed, gently surprised.

Jian met his eyes. "'N' you have t' be honest. Don't bullshit 'bout me bein'-- fine how I am."

James tilted his head to the side. "Okay." He murmured and began moving his eyes over Jian. Jian squashed the self-conscious itch that started to burn on his skin. "To be fair," James started, eyes somewhere around Jian's knees. "I haven't actually seen you naked."

Jian's stomach jumped and he didn't know how to respond.

James didn't need a response anyway and said, "Your hands."

Jian scowled, moving a hand up to examine before his eyes. "S'wrong with m' hands?"

James chuckled lightly, bringing his own up and placing it against Jian's. "They're kinda small." He said and, as if to illustrate, he lined up their fingers and bent his over the top of Jian's.

Jian looked at the very obvious difference in size. His gut squirmed. He swallowed. "I-- like it."

James watched him. "Yeah?"

Jian was very warm all of a sudden. "Yeah." He managed and it came out a little breathless.

James kissed him.

He tugged their hands down, leant forward and kissed Jian. As ever, his lips were soft and Jian was suddenly enveloped in his warmth and scent. James brought his free hand to the back of Jian's head, moving fingers through the strands of hair there and guiding Jian closer. He nibbled gently at Jian's bottom lip and Jian quietly moaned against him. James took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Jian's mouth. No matter how many times they'd done this by now, Jian's head still spun. He clung hopelessly to a fading sense of rationality.

Embarrassing as it was, he was already hardening in his sweats. It was to be expected perhaps; he was 16, hormonal and had been fantasising about James a worrying amount.

Still. He was embarrassed.

Between them, James let go of Jian's hand and instead settled his hand on Jian's waist, slipping under Jian's shirt in order to rub the skin of his hip. Jian absently thought they should stop here, before his erection got any bigger and harder to ignore. But then, James moved and pressed a wet kiss to the skin below his ear and Jian moaned, skin tingling. James made a soft noise of amusement and licked a line up the column of Jian's neck. The hand at Jian's waist began to wander and something anxious started to hum in the back of Jian's mind.

What if James decided he didn't like him after seeing Jian naked? He should really wash. Was he too eager? Too needy? Shit, did he seem _slutty_? Would Jian even be good at sex? Would he even be able to make James feel good? What if he fucked up? They shouldn't do this. He was gonna fuck up. Jian was gonna fuck up. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

He was collecting the willpower to pull back when James pressed a hand against Jian's stiff cock. Jian's resulting whine was lost against James's lips.

James pulled back, only enough to speak. "Already so hard for me?" He murmured, brushing his nose against Jian's. "All this from just a few kisses, hm?" He palmed him again and Jian made a weak noise, hips bucking involuntarily into the touch.

Jian couldn't- he wasn't-- _fuck_ he couldn't do anything but bite his lip and fist his hands in James's dress shirt.

"What do you want, baby boy?" James asked, breath hot on Jian's lips.

Jian couldn't think around the pressure on his dick. He let out a faint whimper and moved forward to press his mouth against James's.

James pulled back. "Jian. Tell me what you want."

Jian didn't fucking know. His head was spinning. He wanted- he wanted-- "I-" -he swallowed, eyes on James's mouth. "-want." He wanted James to touch him. He wanted James's fingers in his ass and he wanted James's cock in his mouth. He wanted- fuck, he _wanted_. "'Nythin'." He finally managed.

"Anything?" James repeated and he sounded so calm and unaffected and Jian hated that it turned him on.

"Mm." he confirmed weakly, eyes stuck to James's lips. They looked so _good_ ; slightly red and spit-slick from kissing.

Both James's hands left him and Jian made a soft noise of protest. James's lips twitched at the sound. "You okay?" He asked.

Jian didn't understand why James had suddenly stopped. He nodded.

James brushed the shell of Jian's ear, before moving his hand to rest on Jian's neck. "Might be a good idea for you to use the bathroom first, baby." He said. "Or maybe you want a shower too?"

Jian swallowed, a few rational thoughts slowly coming into his head. He nodded again, while still trying to grasp one. Finally, "Shower."

James smiled at him. "Okay." His thumb moved gently against the side of Jian's neck. "It's up to you and what you're comfortable with, but if you wanna douche, I bought something for that."

Jian broke eye-contact, feeling embarrassment and shame begin to creep into his gut.

"Baby?" James gently pushed. "You know how to douche?"

Jian swallowed and nodded at the duvet cover. It was something he'd looked into a few years ago; back when he was 13 or 14 and starting to want something in his ass, but also worrying about hygiene.

"Do you _want_ to?" James asked.

Jian nodded again. He suspected it would calm at least some of his insecurity.

"Okay." James said, lifting his hand from Jian's neck and getting off the bed.

Jian watched him move to his semi-unpacked bag on the drawers beside Jian's own. Jian chewed the inside of his cheek, watching him unzip a pocket. He stood and moved to wait by the bathroom door, face feeling hot.

Shortly after, James came over and handed him a cardboard box and a black bottle. "They're pre-lubed." He told Jian, tapping the box lightly. Jian kept his gaze on the top, where the box read _Fleet_. It was a four-pack. "but add lube if you need it."

Jian nodded, shifting his eyes to the lube. He took a second to read it; _ID Millennium_.

"Jian." James said, moving his hand to tilt Jian's chin up. "How are you feeling, baby?"

Jian swallowed, unsure why the care James was showing made him feel so overwhelmed. "'M okay." He said and it came out a lot quieter than he intended.

James just smiled softly and pressed a quick kiss to the tip of his nose. "Let me know if you need anything."

Closing the bathroom door behind himself, Jian let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He gnawed his lip for a second, mind jumping from thought to thought. It was impossible to pinpoint how he was feeling. He moved to the end of the bathroom, placing the enemas and lube on the edge of the cabinet. The shower was very big.

He got himself a towel ready; unpacked the enemas; turned the water on; took a quick shit while he waited for it to heat up.

Stepping under the hot spray, he let out a longer sigh, eyes falling shut. Once he felt himself relax, he quickly washed his hair and then his body, making sure to scrub lots of soap everywhere. He then got the first enema bottle and took off its cap. The tip was smaller than his fingers, so Jian decided to forego lube and lifted one leg to rest on the lowest of the three storage ledges set into the shower wall. He pushed the tip in and grit his teeth against the sensation as he began to squeeze the bottle. He clenched to hold the solution and wiggled a bit, resolutely ignoring both the weird, full feeling and the uncomfortable turn of his stomach. After counting more or less to 10, he gently released. The feeling of thin liquid coming out of his ass was highly unpleasant.

He repeated the process with a second bottle and noted the liquid running out was entirely clean. Still, he decided on doing it once more. Just in case. Afterward, he scrubbed soap over himself again and stood under the warm water for a moment longer, before finally shutting the tap off.

He chucked the three mostly empty bottles in the bin and slid the unused one back in the packaging. After roughly drying himself, he chewed his lip and stared at himself in the large, foggy mirror.

He preferred mirrors when they were foggy. It meant he could trick himself into seeing a stranger looking back at him. An identical stranger. He moved closer and used his towel to swipe the steam away. Sometimes, even a clear reflection looked foreign.

Jian ran his eyes over himself. Down his slim neck; over his collar bones; his nipples and chest; his toned abdomen. Down to his slender hips; his soft cock; the top of his thighs; the edge of the mirror; the wall.

He bit his lip and turned, looking over his shoulder. He followed the line of his spine to his ass. Did he have a nice ass? He hoped he had a nice ass.

He slipped on one of the towel robes hung on the wall between the shower and bathroom cabinet. He felt it made more sense than putting on clothes that would only be taken back off. He then eyed the hair dryer laid on the counter and stepped forward to plug it in.

Once his hair was dry, he tucked his clothes under his arm, grabbed the lube and leftover enema and padded to the door. His gut still held something heavy and tentative but now Jian _felt_ clean, there was at least less anxiety from that perspective.

James was on the bed, back against the headboard and legs crossed in front of him as he scrolled through something on his phone. Hearing the bathroom door, however, he looked up, locked his phone and set it on the bedside table.

"Okay?" he asked and Jian nodded, moving to dump his clothes on top of his bag and the enema beside James's. James watched him, face soft. "Cute robe."

Jian couldn't help snorting. The robe was a little big on him. He crossed to the bed and awkwardly set the lube on the table, beside James's phone and - he noticed with a flurry of nerves - a box of condoms.

"Still feeling alright?" James asked, shifting to sit with his legs on the floor. He lifted gentle hands to Jian's waist and tugged him in.

Jian felt James's knees bracket him. He swallowed and, hesitantly, brought his hands up to rest on James's shoulders. "Mn."

"Need to talk about anything first?" James asked softly.

Jian shook his head. Then bit his lip. "Can we-" He fixed his eyes on a small freckle on James's neck, just above the collar of his shirt. "-turn the lights-- off?"

"Lights off?"

Jian nodded.

"I want to be able to see you, baby." James said. "We'll leave one nightlight on?"

That was fair. Jian nodded.

James gave him a small smile. "Alright." He patted Jian's side and Jian obediently let him go and stepped back, feeling hyper-aware of his body and unsure what to do.

He watched James flick on one of the lights set into the wooden panel beside the bed's headboard, then cross and turn off the main lights. It cast the room in a soft, yellow light and some of the tightness in Jian's chest eased.

James came back beside him. He dipped down and pressed a kiss to Jian's cheekbone, before he sat on the edge of the bed and patted a thigh.

Jian glanced to the condoms and lube. His stomach did something very strange; eagerness and reluctance fought for dominance.

He moved to straddle James's lap, robe brushing his skin in a way that made him very aware of how little he was wearing.

They just looked at each other for a moment; James with his mouth curved gently upward and Jian with his teeth digging into his lower lip.

He swallowed, eyes flicking down. "James?"

James rested his hands firmly at Jian's waist. "Mm?"

"Does-" Jian wasn't sure how to ask. Or, for that matter, if he was even allowed. "-s'it-- bother you that 'm-- a minor?" James didn't reply and Jian felt his stomach sink.

"Does it bother _you_?" James finally asked, ever so gentle.

Jian shook his head, refusing to lift his eyes from James's shirt.

James let out a quiet sigh. "It bothers me a little." He admitted and Jian's chest twisted in something like hurt. Or fear. "I don't want to hurt you."

Jian moved his eyes up. "Hurt me?" He repeated, very softly. "Don't think you could ever-- hurt me." He knew, as soon as the words left his mouth, that they weren't true. Of all the people in his life, James was probably the one who could hurt him _most_. But Jian knew he _wouldn't_ and that's what he had meant.

James let out a small breath. "I'll certainly try not to." And then he moved one hand up to the back of Jian's head and guided him down for a kiss.

It was much gentler than earlier; no tongue, James just moved his lips softly over Jian's. The care he continued to take made something twist in Jian's stomach. It wasn't a nice twist, more in line with guilt than anything.

James brought his other hand up to Jian's cheek and Jian felt something cold and hard against his skin. The guilt in his gut spiked. He pulled back.

James raised dark eyebrows. "Baby?"

Jian swallowed. "You--" He shouldn't bring it up. He shouldn't ask. It was unreasonable. "-your--" He fixed his eyes on the first button of James's shirt. _Was_ it unreasonable? "-ring."

"My..." James's brows furrowed before he realised. "oh."

Jian bit the inside of his cheek, working up the courage to ask.

It seemed he didn't need to.

James removed both hands from Jian in order to smoothly tug off the gold band. He leant over and set it on top of his phone with a dull _clack_. Jian looked at it and felt his stomach turn. This wasn't...

Hands cupped his face again and guided his gaze back forward. James offered a small smile, before leaning in and taking Jian's lips again, both their eyes remaining open. James held Jian's gaze while nipping his bottom lip and Jian felt arousal spark in the base of his gut again. He closed his eyes and allowed James to slip his tongue in, shifting forward and settling his hands at James's sides.

It was soft and leisurely for a while. James moved his hands gently over the skin of Jian's thighs. Jian moaned and rocked his hips occasionally; cock already hard again.

Eventually, James pulled back and Jian felt a small stab of panic until he saw where James's hands were relocating. And suddenly, he was on fucking fire, watching James start to undo his belt. His heart hammered against his ribcage and he couldn't tear his gaze away from where James was working on his fly button and then his fly. He absently took his lower lip into his mouth and traced his tongue over it.

James glanced up at him. "On your knees, baby." He murmured, nodding his head to the carpet.

Jian swallowed thickly and slipped off James's lap, kneeling instead on the floor between his legs. James gave him a small smile before tugging his boxers down, only enough to pull out his cock. Jian's eyes were glued to it; not yet hard but so, _so_ fucking beautiful.

"You just gonna look at it?" James teased gently and Jian flicked his eyes back up.

With nerves thrumming through him, he shifted forward. He wrapped his right pointer finger and thumb around the base. After a quick glance at James's face, he brought his left hand before his mouth and used his tongue to slick it. Ignoring James's hot gaze, he wrapped it loosely around the shaft and began to stroke. He was mesmerised, watching James begin to harden. He started gradually tightening his grip, twisting his fist as he moved it up and down. Jian took his bottom lip into his mouth and shifted again, feeling his own cock brushing against the fabric of his robe.

He began to worry his saliva was running out and didn't want it to get dry, so leant in and spat on the tip, running his hand over it to spread the moisture. He felt a thin trail of saliva stick to his chin as he pulled back.

James made a slight, approving noise and leant down, fingers under Jian's chin guiding him up for a kiss.

Jian almost forgot to keep jerking him off as James's tongue pressed against his. Jian moaned as James traced gently over the roof of Jian's mouth. He withdrew his tongue and kissed Jian once more before pulling back. "Keep going." He murmured and Jian nodded, head foggy.

He dropped his eyes back to James's dick; now fully hard and nicely flushed. Jian tightened his grip and sped up, gnawing on his lip as he thought about putting his mouth on it. But James hadn't told him to, so was it really okay to-

"Use your mouth, baby." James instructed and Jian swallowed audibly, eyes shifting up briefly before he leant in.

He removed his right hand and settled his left at the base. He started the same as last time; with a soft kiss to the head. He then trailed kisses down the hard length, until his nose was pressed to skin. One of James's hands was dropped onto his head and Jian licked a strip back up the shaft; base to tip, barely able to think beyond the heady taste and scent.

"Good boy." James murmured.

Jian made a soft noise, dick twitching against his robe. He swirled his tongue over the head of James's cock, before taking it into his mouth. He was able to take just over a quarter before it got uncomfortable and ran his tongue over the shaft, bobbing his head a few times then pulling back to breathe.

James slid his hands down Jian's face, thumb moving to press against his glistening lips. "Take that off." He said.

Jian's throat clicked as he swallowed. He touched the collar of his robe: a question. James nodded and Jian went hot and cold all at once. He fisted his hand in the fabric and hesitated.

James ran his eyes over him, settling on the hand. "You can do it." He said; reassuring. "Let me see your pretty cock, baby."

A quiet, involuntary sound made its way out of Jian and he tried to- to just-- he needed to _concentrate_. Shakily, he moved his hands to the front tie and dug his thumbs into it. James continued to watch him and Jian looked away, stomach lurching. He quickly tugged the tie open and shrugged the robe off, refusing to look at James. He felt exposed and vulnerable and embarrassed about the fact he was _dripping_.

There was a moment of silence. Jian clicked his thumb, stomach churning and gaze stubbornly fixed on the bedside table.

"You're so gorgeous." James said, sounding preoccupied.

Jian bit down hard on his lip, cautiously looking back. James's eyes were on his dick and Jian felt his face burn, itching to cover himself.

"When you finger yourself," his eyes moved up to Jian's face. "how many fingers do you use?"

Jian watched James watch him, heart stuttering. "Two." His voice was unsteady and Jian tried to pull himself together. He couldn't fuck this up. "Usually t- two but 've tried three. 'N' I can- I can take more."

James didn't reply to that; his lips twitched and he dropped his gaze to Jian's cock again. And then, he stood and stripped his trousers and pants completely off. He got rid of his socks next and started on his shirt buttons. Jian just watched, heat coursing through him and teeth sinking in the skin of his lower lip.

Now completely naked, James stood in front of Jian and slipped a hand into his hair. Jian felt vaguely woozy, head whirling. He took James in for a long moment, before leaning in and closing his lips back around James's cock. His eyes slipped shut and he heard James exhale through his nose, fingernails gently scratching Jian's scalp.

With a faint noise, Jian relaxed his jaw and took him deeper. James's hand tightened in his hair and Jian moaned louder. Wetness began to gather behind his eyelids; he was _almost_ taking half. It was hot and heavy in his mouth; velvety against his tongue. It felt so _good_. He bobbed his head a few times, running his tongue over one of the more prominent veins. Pulling off, he kissed the head and tongued the underside, feeling James grip his hair harder still. The slight pain made something heated jerk in Jian's gut.

He took the length back into his mouth, this time with the goal of taking at least half. He thought he was doing well, approaching a third. But the wetness in his eyes was growing. And his jaw was hurting. And his throat was starting to constrict. And suddenly it was too much.

He gagged around the cock in his mouth. James bucked his hips at the sudden tightness and Jian whined, saliva dripping down his chin as he pulled back.

"Fuck, baby." James breathed, moving his hand down to trace over Jian's lips.

Head cloudy, Jian instinctively opened.

James made a noise of approval and pushed his fingers past Jian's lips, watching him lap at them. "God, you're so pretty." He murmured. "So perfect for me." He said, pulling the fingers out.

He returned to the bed, back against the headboard. "On my lap, sweetheart."

Oh fuck. _Oh fuck._

Okay.

Jian swallowed and stood up on wobbly legs. Unsteadily, but doing his very best to be graceful, he moved. James's hands found his waist as Jian straddled him. His legs rested on the plush bed either side of James's hips and he sat timidly back on his thighs. Hot skin touching hot skin. His eyes were naturally drawn to the hard cock now just a few centimetres from his own.

Like this, so close, it was unavoidable to notice how different they were in size. Jian's thighs, his waist, his hands, his cock, all of him was so much _slighter_ than James.

He settled nervous hands on James's shoulders - eyes still glued to James's thick cock - and let out a shaky exhale.

James's hands rubbed soothing circles into Jian's upper thighs. "Good boy." He said. "You're being so good for me, Jian."

He made a weak noise in response. God, James's cock was so _big_ next to his.

James lifted his right hand away from Jian's thigh and Jian had barely a split-second to prepare, before James wrapped the hand around both their cocks.

Jian whined, pleasure bursting through him. " _James_." He moaned, forehead dropping onto James's shoulder. "I can't- _fuck_ -"

James tightened his grip slightly and began stroking, his breath quickening.

Jian screwed his eyes shut, mouth falling open and hips bucking. His fingers dug into James's shoulders and he worried he was gonna cum already.

"You're so wet for me." James murmured, lips brushing Jian's ear.

Jian whimpered, unable to comprehend much beyond the feeling of James's hand and cock.

"Making such pretty sounds." James said, pace quickening.

Jian moaned against his neck, hips rocking upward. A searing heat was building in his groin and it was embarrassing but he- "'M gonna- _ah_ -" -James twisted his fist in a downward movement and Jian couldn't fucking _think_. "-gon' cum- _uhn,_ _James-_ " Pleasure built and built and Jian's body was tensing and his eyes were welling up and it felt so fucking--

James stopped.

Confused and frustrated, Jian let out a needy little noise and blinked his eyes open against James's shoulder.

"Sit up properly, sweetheart." James told him gently.

Jian did his best, raising his head.

James smiled, his other hand coming away from Jian's thigh in order to push hair back off Jian's face. "You're doing so good." He said and Jian bit his lip. James reached over for the lube and Jian's heart began to _pound_ against his ribcage.

Mind swimming, he watched James uncap it and squeeze some over two fingers. He warmed it and recapped the bottle, dropping it aside.

A kiss was pressed to Jian's cheek. "Gonna finger you, okay?"

The only thing Jian could do was nod, his entire body thrumming with need.

James's hand came around and just rested at the small of his back. "Words, sweetheart." He said. "I need your words."

But Jian didn't _have_ words. His mind was on fucking fire. He bucked his hips a little, trying to get James's hand to move. "Please."

A kiss was dropped to the tip of his nose. "Good boy."

Painfully slow, he moved his hand down until wet fingertips brushed over Jian's hole. Jian bit his lip to stop a gasp. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and his gaze was flitting between James's eyes and their cocks, still pressed together between them. James's middle finger circled Jian's asshole and Jian didn't know if he was scared or excited. And then slowly - slow enough for it to be verging on a tease - James pressed it in and Jian moaned. The lube made it such a smooth movement and his finger reached deeper than Jian's ever could.

"Good?" James asked, eyes trained on Jian's face.

Jian nodded, feeling lightheaded and far away. "S'good."

James let out a quiet breath. "Fuck, you're tight baby boy." He murmured and Jian made a small sound, watching precum gather at the slit of his cock, before dribbling down the side. "Want you to take a few deep breaths for me, okay?"

Jian nodded and did as he was told.

"Good boy." James praised, twisting the finger to help Jian adjust. "Clench down a couple of times, sweetheart."

Jian swallowed, biting his lip and following the direction. James was being overly cautious. It wasn't like one finger was gonna hurt.

"Good." James told him after Jian had done it a few times. "Now I need you to relax. Gonna start moving."

Jian swallowed audibly and nodded. James gently started pulling his finger out and Jian whined, hips bucking and ass clenching instinctively.

"So sensitive." James murmured. "Relax, baby."

Jian chewed his lip and did his best.

James gave him a kiss, pressing back in.

The lube was silky and felt _so_ much better than saliva (dry) or moisturiser (sticky). " _Fuck_." Jian cursed, feeling James's ring finger press against his rim. It was fine. He could take it. He knew he could take it. It was only two fingers. It was _fine_. But this was all happening so quickly and his emotions were all over the place and he didn't- "I need-" -he could feel himself stretch around the two digits and it was _a lot_. He dropped his head back on James's shoulder and panted. It was _only_ two fingers. But James was so much _bigger_.

James pushed the fingers in all the way. He swiped the thumb of his other hand over Jian's slit.

Jian let out an uneven breath. The stretch burnt and he wasn't quite used to it but he didn't know if he was meant to-

James pressed a kiss to his temple, before dragging his fingers out.

Jian's eyes were welled up and he couldn't begin to work out how he was feeling. This really was all going too fast. He wasn't exactly in _pain_ but he didn't feel- he felt-- suddenly he was scared. "James." He managed, the word muffled against James's neck.

James's fingers stilled, pulled out only a little. "Relax, sweetheart."

Jian breathed unsteadily against his shoulder. "It-" He swallowed, hating the raw quality of his voice. "-so big."

James's other hand started gently stroking his cock again. "Does it hurt?"

"Nn." Jian shifted his hips unthinkingly, grinding back against the fingers and- " _Fuck_." -a timid wave of pleasure sparked as James's fingers brushed his prostate.

"Baby, I need you to focus." James told him. "Does it hurt?"

Jian chewed on his lip. Focus. He needed to-- but James's voice was so reassuring. And his scent was unnecessarily sexy and his fingers were right where Jian needed them now and the stretch was finally beginning to feel good. James was so experienced, Jian had no reason to panic. He just needed to trust him. "No."

"No?" James echoed, fingers still unmoving.

Jian nodded against his neck.

James let out a very quiet breath. "Look at me, Jian."

Jian felt his gut twist and hazily lifted his head. James was watching him with an almost-- hard expression. Fuck. Had he done something wrong? Was he not doing this right? "I'm--" Was Jian- "-bad at this?"

James sighed and all hardness melted from his face. "No, baby, you're doing well."

Clearly he wasn't, otherwise they wouldn't have stopped. Jian scowled at him.

James ran his eyes over Jian's face. "I just need you to be honest, okay?" He said. "I told you to expect pain; it's normal. But you have to tell me if you want me to slow down. I'm not a mindreader."

And now Jian felt like a fucking idiot. God, how did James have the patience to spell out these things to him? He broke eye-contact, feeling himself flush with something other than arousal.

"It's okay, baby." James gently spoke. "As long as you understand that." He leant in to trail kisses along Jian jaw. And then he asked, "Have you ever made yourself cum just from playing with your ass?"

Jian shivered, feeling James's breath against his skin. He took his bottom lip into his mouth and nodded.

James smiled. "Yeah?" He slowly worked his fingers out and Jian groaned.

"Mm." Jian nodded, breathing unsteadily as James started to push the fingers back in, gentler than before.

James kissed the corner of his mouth. "Thinking of me?" He curled his fingers up and Jian let out a broken noise.

" _Yeah_." Jian panted.

"Yeah?" James pressed the tips of his fingers against Jian's prostate and Jian whined, biting his lip. "What did you think about?"

Jian's mind was in a thick fog, eyes beginning to water again. "I-" He rocked his hips backward and whimpered as pleasure rolled through him. "-'bout-"

James started stroking both their cocks again and Jian swore, vision blurring with tears. James kissed his cheekbone. "About?" He prompted softly.

Jian moaned, head swirling. "Want- your-- _uhn fuck_ -" His forehead fell back onto James's shoulder and Jian felt that familiar pressure building up in his groin. He was meant to be- he was meant to- James had asked him to- " _-shit, James_ -" -James sped up his movements, yet his fingers were still gentle inside Jian. His grip tightened on their dicks and pleasure flowed through Jian. He turned his head dazedly, wanting to watch James jerk them off together.

James's breaths were coming faster, fanning across his hair. Everything felt _so good_.

Jian watched his hand move; he watched James swipe a thumb over the head of his own cock and moaned at the sight. He couldn't speak, he couldn't _think_ , all he could do was let out jumbled moans and sobs as James continued to make him see stars.

"You're doing so good, baby." James murmured.

Jian was gonna cum. Fuck, he was- it felt- he- " _James_." -his entire body felt weak and hot and really fucking-- "Feel- _fuck_ , feel s'good. 'M- _ah_ -"

"Gonna cum, sweetheart?"

Jian keened, hips stuttering against James's movements. " _Shit_." James kept pressing his fingers against Jian's prostate and Jian- _fuck_ , he'd never-- " _Uhn Ja-ames._ " -he screwed his eyes shut, clenching around James's fingers. His tears were hot on his cheeks and he felt his cock throb as he came, twitching against James.

James stroked him through it and Jian moaned, mind hitched on the fingers still thrusting gently into him.

"So good for me." James said, lips on the shell of Jian's ear. "My pretty baby."

Jian whimpered, feeling like he was made of jelly.

James let go of Jian's cock and, after a moment, his fingers came slowly out of Jian's ass.

Jian groaned at the feeling, opening bleary eyes. His stomach flipped. James's hand had jizz on it. James's _cock_ had jizz on it. _Jian's_ jizz. He made a soft noise at the sight, head spinning and body tingling.

A soft kiss was pressed to the skin below Jian's ear. "You're so perfect, Jian."

Jian couldn't do much else than offer a small moan in response, gaze fixed on James's thick cock.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there gazing between them, but he felt a lot more present when James stroked a hand - the one he'd used to finger him - up and down his back. "Feel okay, sweetheart?"

"Mm." Jian sounded, eyes still glued to James's flushed erection. "Sleepy."

James huffed out a laugh. "That's normal." James dropped a kiss to his temple. He patted Jian's ass. "Up, baby."

Jian straightened, sitting back on James's thighs.

James smiled at him, leant in to kiss him softly and said, "Need you to get on all fours, okay?"

Jian swallowed, drowsiness already dipping back into arousal. Every few seconds, his eyes returned to James's cock, as if magnetically drawn. He wet his bottom lip. "Have t'-- 'n all fours?"

James's eyebrows rose temperately. "Hm?"

Jian chewed the inside of his lip. "I-- I want. T'-- 'n m' back." He knew the name of the position and felt embarrassment swell through him as he opened his mouth, "M- missionary."

Although a vast majority of his fantasies included him getting it doggy-style, right here, in this moment, Jian didn't want it like that. He wanted to be able to see James's face clearly. He wanted to be able to look up and know it was okay.

James considered him. "Not today, sweetheart." He finally murmured. "It'll hurt less if you're on all fours, okay?"

Jian flicked his eyes to the side. "Don't mind 'f it hurts."

"Well I do." James sighed evenly. He thumbed at Jian's hip. "We can do whatever you want in the future, but we do it like this tonight."

Jian nodded slowly.

James squeezed his hip, before removing his hands from Jian and waiting.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and moved.

With limbs feeling like rubber, he managed to kneel beside James. Then, as a quiet feeling of shame crawled all over him, he got on his hands and knees. He felt the bed shift around him as James moved and could feel his body heat when he settled directly behind Jian, just like he'd imagined so many times. He swallowed and scrunched his hands in the duvet.

"So smooth, it's like you wax." James murmured and Jian bit his lip when warm hands slid up and down his waist. His skin tingled wherever there was contact. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Jian."

Something uneasy twisted in his chest and Jian closed his eyes, shifting. He moved his weight forward to give himself more balance and somewhere to hide; his forehead and chest rested on the bed, his arms were folded above his head and his ass was pushed a little higher into the air.

James smoothed a hand over one of Jian's cheeks. "Tell me how much you want me." He said absent-mindedly, fingers trailing over sensitive skin.

Jian was struggling to interpret those words, breathing already uneven and cock already starting to fill again.

James gave him a smack.

It wasn't hard at all. In fact, _smack_ was no doubt too strong a word; _tap_ would be more accurate. Regardless, it tore a surprised whine from Jian's throat and his hands tightened in the covers.

James rubbed his thumb over the spot. "I gave you a direction, Jian." He said, tone firm and soft all at once.

Jian turned his face into the duvet. "So much." His words were muffled against the fabric.

"What was that?" James hummed, one hand moving featherlight over Jian's left thigh.

Jian's gut was churning with white-hot arousal, while his chest was tight with an emotion he had no name for. "Want you so bad." He tried again, doing his utmost to ignore the weak quality of his voice. "Think- think 'bout it all the time." His ears were _burning_ and his heart was racing. "I- I--" He didn't finish, embarrassment making the words catch in his throat.

James brushed a thumb over Jian's hole. "You...?" He prompted.

This was so much. James's voice, his hands, his scent, his body heat. All of it. It was _so much_. It was overwhelming and Jian was having trouble keeping up. "I--" He hated the feeling of his heart beating throughout his entire body. "-I-- _can't_ , James I-" Something other entered his chest; panic. Jian twisted his hands in the duvet, biting the inside of his cheek and squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

"Shh, baby." James murmured and his hands came away from Jian's ass; moving instead to lightly grip his waist. "Its okay." His thumbs stroked Jian's sides. "I thought you'd like that." He leant down and kissed the nape of Jian's neck.

And now, guilt slunk through his gut. Jian shook his head against the covers, not quite able to find the words yet.

James moved his lips up and pressed a soft kiss to the side of Jian's neck. "You alright?" He murmured against skin and, as he moved to kiss him again, Jian felt the length of James's cock slide against his thigh.

He took a deep breath. "'M okay." He answered and didn't know whether or not it was true.

James made a slight, humming noise and nosed at Jian's neck, continuing to litter gentle kisses across his skin. The hands at his waist began moving again, running soothingly over Jian's body.

It was hardly any time at all before Jian was starting to relax as much as the current situation allowed. He moaned as James's teeth grazed the skin of his shoulder and his hips moved backward, entirely of their own accord. James's hard cock rubbed against his thigh. He pressed a last kiss to Jian's shoulder, before he reached over for the lube and straightened back up.

"Gonna finger you again, yeah?" he said and Jian heard the click of the lube's cap.

He wasn't sure if James expected a reply, but thought it was better safe than sorry and gave a quiet, "Mm."

Jian felt a small amount of lube drip onto his ass. There was another click before a soft thud as James assumedly discarded the bottle. Jian inhaled sharply when fingers ran through the lube, collecting it, then pushing it in.

Two fingers slipped back in easily and Jian felt only a very, very mild discomfort.

He pushed his ass back and James let out a breath of amusement. "So eager." He crooked his fingers down and easily brushed Jian's sweet spot, pulling a moan from him. "I was thinking about this last night." He said, gently pressing his fingers to Jian's prostate over and over and _over_.

Jian gripped the duvet tightly, whimpering.

"Was thinking about how pretty you are." a third finger was pressed testingly to Jian's rim and he let out a hiccupy breath. "How good you look on your knees." _Slowly_ , the finger was pushed in and Jian's mind was enveloped in a haze as he felt himself stretch. "How tight your ass would be." James stopped, three fingers knuckle-deep. "God, baby boy, you look like a dream."

Jian panted. The scales of pleasure and pain began to tip. "James."

"Mm?" he began to draw the fingers out and--

" _Fuck_." Jian whined, feeling a small damp spot on the covers from drool. "Hurts."

James stilled. "Okay." A kiss was dropped to his shoulder blade. "Good boy." He murmured. "You're being so good." James straightened. "Tell me when you want me to move."

Jian did his best to nod, head reeling. Like James had told him to with the first finger, Jian forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths. Then, just like James told him, he clenched around the fingers and released a few times. The sting slowly started to mellow. "'Kay." He mumbled.

James rubbed his free hand up and down Jian's waist and started dragging the fingers out.

" _Mm_."

"Good?" James asked.

There was still some pain but when James pressed downward, pleasure rolled through Jian and he couldn't help bucking his hips. " _Ngh_ _yeah_."

James gradually increased the speed of his fingers, curling them every now and then and causing Jian to moan periodically. His cheeks were wet and his head was turned into the crook of his arm. He was having trouble thinking; it felt as if he was hanging in suspension, overwhelmed by the heat that kept pulsing through him. He was gonna cum. He was sure he was gonna cum and fisted his hands so tight that they absently ached.

"You okay?" James's fingers drove harder against his prostate and it was distantly sore but Jian's back arched and he bit down on the skin of his arm, only partially muffling his stuttered moans. James leant over him and pressed a wet kiss to his neck. "Baby?"

Jian was trying to remember how to speak; "Mm." was all he achieved.

He got another kiss for his efforts and James's fingers slowed. There was a soft nip to his earlobe and then, "I'm gonna put another one in."

 _Fuck_. Jian shook his head. The thought scared him for some reason. "Too much."

"Too much?" James echoed, lips brushing the shell of Jian's ear. "I need to get you ready for my cock, baby." Teeth grazed skin. "It will hurt for you if you're too tight."

Jian just shook his head again, feeling overwhelmed and fuzzy. Maybe-- maybe they should stop. Maybe this was enough for tonight. Maybe they could go all the way tomorrow instead.

James continued to gently fuck his fingers inside Jian. "It'll feel good once they're all in." He said. "I promise, baby. You have to trust me."

Jian swallowed and tried to slow his thoughts down, which was hard when James's fingers were making his head spin. He didn't understand why he was suddenly so anxious.

"Sweetheart, I need you to talk to me." James told him, moving back to drop a soft kiss to his shoulder. "I thought this was what you wanted." His fingers crooked, pressing directly against Jian's prostate.

" _Uhn_." Jian's hips rocked back into the movement and James did it again. The tingle deep in his gut sparked all the way up his spine. Right. This was what Jian wanted.

"Jian?"

Jian whimpered and nodded against the covers.

"Yeah?" James checked and Jian felt dizzy.

"Yeah." he confirmed shakily. "Please." This was what he wanted.

James's fingers changed pace again. "Good boy." He straightened up and Jian shifted so he could look down at himself. His cock was soft and a thin sheen of sweat covered his body. He noticed a small wet spot on the duvet, from pre.

When James carefully pressed the tip of a fourth finger to Jian's rim, he tightened and James paused. His free hand traced small circles into the small of Jian's back. "Relax, sweetheart." He murmured and Jian took a deep breath, focusing. "That's it." James began to press in.

" _Fuck_." Jian moaned, watery eyes still glued to his own cock.

"Hurts?" James asked, stilling with four fingers all the way in.

Jian didn't even know anymore. Yes, maybe. But it wasn't _painful_. It stung. But he also felt full and hot. "S'good."

"Want me to move?" James's free hand moved to lightly grip Jian's hip, thumb brushing skin.

Jian did his best to steady his breathing. "Just..." He closed his eyes, unsure how to finish.

"Okay." the thumb at his hip kept softly moving. "Tell me when."

And suddenly Jian's chest was tight and knotted. He let out a very quiet sort of sob.

The thumb stopped. "Are you..." James started, "sweetheart, are you crying?"

Jian- _fuck_ \-- he didn't know. But there was a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes.

"Jian?" James's voice was calm and concerned and it just made Jian's chest hurt even more.

He shook his head and tucked it back against the crook of his arm, not knowing what to do. This wasn't meant to happen. This wasn't fair on James. James. Who was being so gentle. So patient. So _kind_. Jian's stomach lurched. Fuck.

"What's wrong baby?" James's lips brushed his shoulder blade; his chest was hot against the skin of Jian's back.

"You--" Jian was such a fuck up. He was so stupid and needy. _Why_ was James wasting his time like this? Jian swallowed and breathed, doing his best not to think about the fingers in his ass. "-you're too nice t' me."

James inhaled very quietly.

Jian dug his teeth into his bottom lip. There was too much going on. His chest was tangled. Arousal still buzzed quietly in his gut. He didn't know what to do. This wasn't right. He shouldn't-

Delicate kisses were dotted leisurely across his skin. To the juncture of his neck. To his jaw. To his shoulder. Until he felt James's nose brush the hair behind his ear. "I'm nice to you, because it's what you deserve."

Jian swallowed down another sob. This really was the most inconvenient time to get insecure.

"I'm nice to you because I care about you. Because I want you to be happy." James said, tone firm. "I think you're beautiful. I think you're smart. I think you're sweet; strong; funny; interesting." He continued, a few quick kisses breaking the words. Jian hazily wondered if they'd look back and laugh about James saying such things while four-fingers deep in Jian's ass. "I don't mind that you're shy or awkward, it's endearing. I like the way you look when you scowl. You're never gonna be perfect, baby." He nosed at the skin beneath Jian's ear. "I wouldn't like it if you were." James said. "I like you, because you're _you_. And you deserve the entire fucking world, Jian."

Jian swallowed and sniffed.

"I'm not gonna leave you." James pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. "I'm not gonna suddenly decide you're a terrible person. I'm not gonna hurt you." Another kiss. "I'm gonna look after you."

Jian's head was - not for the first time tonight - _empty_. He let out a strange noise; a wet, hiccupy laugh-cry-sniff. "Fuckin'-- sap."

James nipped at Jian's earlobe. "Do you believe me?"

Jian swallowed again. Took a moment to think about it. "Yeah." He admitted, very quietly. His chest had done a complete 180 and was now tight in a warm, giddy sort of way. "Believe you."

He felt James smile against his neck. "Good."

"You can-" Jian started, voice still shaky. "-can move your fingers now."

James laughed softly. "Okay." He gave Jian's neck one last kiss, before straightening up once again.

He started slowly and Jian's body immediately tensed again. James made a noise of reassurance. Jian relaxed. He pulled his fingers out a little and Jian dug his teeth into his lip. James's free hand rubbed up and down his waist again. And then he crooked the fingers.

" _Fu-uck_." Jian's hips bucked and new tears dropped from his eyes.

James fucked the fingers back in and Jian started to lose himself. He returned to looking down at his cock. James's fingers alternated between a gentle, steady rhythm and a few harder, faster thrusts. He occasionally murmured praise but Jian was having difficulty processing the words.

"'M gon'- _ngh_ -" head spinning, he watched his soft cock twitch and he was-- " _fuck, James_." -nothing was coming out but Jian felt like he was climaxing; he could feel it in both his ass and the head of his cock and it was-- "Want-- _uhn shit_."

James's fingers sped up again and Jian's hips bucked to meet the thrusts.

" _Ple-ease_." he screwed his eyes shut, tears slipping out of his eyes.

"Please what?" the fingers returned to slower thrusts.

"Need- _fuck_ 'm--" Jian gripped at the duvet cover. "-'m gon' cum, I-- _ah shit-_ -"

The fingers stopped and Jian all but sobbed. "Want you to cum on my cock."

Jian could only moan and nod.

"God, you're gonna kill me, Jian." James murmured, pulling his fingers out.

Jian felt anticipation flood through him and couldn't think of a time he'd wanted anything more than this.

James shifted to grab the condoms and Jian blearily watched. James took out a packet, then dropped the box near the lube and returned to his place behind Jian.

Jian swallowed, heartbeat painful against his chest. "Y'don't-- I-- y'don't have t'-- I- I want--" Fuck, if he wasn't stupid before, he sure as hell was now. "-without."

He felt James's movements stop. "No condom?"

Jian nodded against the rumpled duvet. "Mn."

James sighed. "Baby, I think it's better if I wear it."

Jian swallowed, pushing himself up on his hands in order to look back at James over his shoulder. Upon doing so, however, any words he had promptly died on his tongue.

James looked like pure sex.

His cock looked painfully hard against his abdomen, precum making it glisten. His chest was flushed faintly. The fingers on his right hand were slick with lube. His eyes were dark and his pupils dilated. His breathing was quicker and shallower than usual and his hair was ruffled.

Jian swallowed, gaze stuck to his cock. He wet his bottom lip absently, considering the mushroom-like head; imagining how it would feel inside.

James took advantage of his dazed state to tear open the condom packet with his teeth.

Jian snapped out of it, eyes moving up to James's face. "'Sn't it fine?" He started quietly. "'F- 'f you're--" He swallowed, feeling like his entire face was on fire. "-clean. 'N'- 'n' 've 'nly had-- m' fingers." He bit his lower lip. "'Sn't it fine?"

James watched him for a second. He glanced to the side. And then back to Jian. "Baby, I know in the car I said I like bareback, but you don't have to-"

"-I want to." Jian cut in, voice small. "I- I-- want. T' feel-- without-- I want..."

James considered him for another second, lips set. Finally, he sighed. "Are you sure?"

Jian's eyes flicked back down to his dick. He nodded.

"Okay." James murmured. "Shit, okay." He dropped the condom.

One hand came to rest at Jian's hipbone and Jian watched as the other was placed on his cock, stroking a few times. After a few strokes, James leant over to grab the lube and Jian watched him slick himself up, feeling something molten bubble in the base of his gut.

James dropped the lube, moved closer and looked at Jian. "You okay?"

Jian's brain scrambled pathetically to find an answer. He stared at the cock now just a hair's breadth from his ass. "Mm."

James ran the hand not on his cock up and down Jian's spine. "'Kay."

And then he was pushing in.

Jian sank his teeth into his lower lip and couldn't tear his gaze away. James was barely moving; taking his time so much it wasn't true. Jian bit his lip harder, watching the head _slowly_ press in. It was the hottest thing he'd ever fucking seen.

"Baby," James breathed. "need you to relax. Take a deep breath."

Jian's eyes flicked up to his face, before dropping back to where they were joined. He inhaled, a little unevenly, and fought the urge to tense up.

James's hips continued to move forward and--

" _Fuck_." Jian watched the entire head of his cock slip past his rim. The stretch stung, but not terribly.

James let out a rough breath and paused. "Mm you feel so good."

Jian just moaned again and felt himself tear up. He twisted his hands in the covers and glanced up at James.

James gave him a slight smile. "I'm gonna keep going."

Jian was about to die. "Mn."

"God." James muttered, starting to push deeper. "You're so perfect."

" _Uhn_."

"So fucking tight."

" _Oh fuck_."

"So good for me." James was nearly halfway in.

Jian's hips bucked. " _Ahn_."

James leant over and pressed a wet kiss to his mouth, hips still gradually pressing forward. Jian whined against him, feeling James lick the side of his tongue with deliberate strokes. He paused with his cock in just over halfway and licked a line along Jian's jaw and up to his ear. "Feeling okay?"

Jian-- _fuck_ , in all honesty, Jian felt like he was shitting himself. But beyond that, were shy jolts of pleasure. "Mn."

James's tongue played with Jian's earlobe, before he pulled back and pressed a chaste kiss to his neck. "Good boy." His hips continued moving. "My good boy." He straightened up, hands running up and down Jian's waist.

Jian whimpered and resumed watching the way his cock was slowly disappearing past his rim, focusing on where it felt good.

"Tell me if it hurts." James told him, left hand coming down and rubbing over Jian's ass cheek.

" _Mm_." Jian agreed, breathing heavily and not fully registering the words. God, James was nearly three-quarters in now. "So deep." His voice sounded scratchy and raw.

"Feel good?" James muttered and Jian ran his eyes up and down his happy trail.

" _So_ good."

"Jesus." James briefly met his eyes, before refocusing on Jian's ass. "Sound like you're straight out of a porno."

Something sharp twisted in Jian's chest and he bit his lip, to quell any further noise.

James's right hand squeezed his waist. "I like it, baby." He murmured and - _fuck_ \- his cock was almost all the way in. "It's sexy."

Jian gasped as James's hips stopped, flush against his ass. " _Ngh_."

James's chest was rising and falling unevenly and his eyes were fixed on where they were joined, hands running absently over Jian's ass. "Tell me when you want me to move." He said and his tone was almost strained.

Shit. Jian felt so _full_. There was a slight ache, but it was far closer to discomfort than to pain. Experimentally, he pushed his ass back and swore, _feeling_ James's cock inside. " _Haa... ah_." He turned his head back forward and screwed his eyes shut. "Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Mmhm." Jian confirmed, curling his hands in the duvet as James dropped a kiss to the nape of his neck.

James pulled out an inch or so, before gently thrusting back in and Jian felt something hot and indescribable roll through his body. " _Uhn_." He dropped back onto his elbows, then moved his arms above his head and pushed back against James.

"Shit." James muttered, hands settling at Jian's hips and gripping. He repeated the motion and Jian moaned, fisting his hands back in the duvet. He thrust again and again and _again_. Slow, gentle thrusts that made pleasure burst in the base of Jian's gut and crawl up his spine. And then, James gave a sudden, hard thrust.

" _Nngh_." Jian felt tears roll down his cheeks. Pain burst up his spine, only to tangle with pleasure. His entire body was tingling and warm. He felt lightheaded and floaty. James pulled out further before driving back in, just as hard and fast. " _Aah a... ah_."

James returned to gentler thrusts and Jian heard him groan. "So good for me." He stopped thrusting for a few seconds, leaning over to drop kisses across Jian's shoulder, before fucking him slow and gentle again.

Jian felt like he was gonna piss, but far more intense. Heat radiated up his spine. He could feel his body rocking forward with each of James's thrusts, chest rubbing on the fabric of the duvet. Every now and then, James would break his steady rhythm and give a few harder fucks. Jian could feel James's balls hitting his ass, especially on the strong thrusts. He could hear James's occasional rough moans and cusses. He could hear the wet sound of lube and the dull slaps of skin to skin. He could feel James's hands gripping his hips, helping guide Jian's weak, instinctive bucks. And, now and again, Jian could feel James _twitch_ inside him.

"Say you're mine." James murmured above him, voice low.

Jian whimpered, dick dripping onto the duvet cover.

James's hips snapped, cock brushing Jian's prostate just right.

A sob wracked through Jian and he didn't even know who he was anymore.

"Say it." James told him between thrusts.

"I- _fuck_ \-- 'm yours." Jian moaned.

James squeezed his hip, thrusting gentler. "Good boy."

Jian couldn't form a single coherent thought. The world had melted away; all that existed was the cock fucking into him and the firm hands at his hips.

Dizzily, he turned his head to look down at himself once more. The wet patch on the duvet was bigger now and Jian could see the way James's thighs flexed with his movements. His own cock was still soft, but wet with pre.

One of James's hands ran up his back, before sliding into his hair and carding through it, nails lightly grazing. "You're so beautiful." He murmured, rolling his hips gently.

Jian moaned and watched his cock respond with a twitch.

James pulled all the way out and Jian whined. A few seconds passed. Seconds that felt like hours. Jian began to panic. Until James slid back in. All the way to the base.

" _Uhn_." abruptly, Jian came. Much less than normal; thinner and clearer too. " _Fuck James_ \--" _Was_ it even cum? Shit, Jian hadn't pissed himself, had he?

James groaned and thrust harder, deeper.

" _A... ahn_." Jian could barely see past the wetness in his eyes. The pleasure was so intense that it was almost painful. It felt like every nerve ending in his body was being touched. "F- _uck_." And suddenly, Jian was cumming again. His hips stuttered and his hole clenched. This time, it was a more normal amount and consistency, but it didn't shoot, so much as oozed slowly from the slit. He sobbed, not understanding and unable to every try. " _Ja-ames_."

James dropped a hand on the bed beside Jian's head and leant over him. A hot kiss was pressed to his ear as he gave a few gentle thrusts. "Already?" He asked, voice rough.

And that was fucking it.

Jian did it again and now, it most definitely did shoot. There was a much larger amount, too, hitting the duvet in thick spurts. " _H_ _nngh fuck_." Jian rocked his hips back and shoved his face against the covers, shaking. He could feel it in his legs and torso. It was as if a fire had been lit in his feet, slowly spreading all the way up his body. His entire insides were lit up, waves of pleasure continuously rolling through him.

James's teeth grazed his shoulder and he groaned softly. "Fuck, baby boy."

Jian hiccuped, feeling dizzy and faint. The stretch felt so _good_ and he felt so _full_. James's cock kept gently rubbing his prostate and _god_ , Jian felt hot and horny but also satisfied and tired.

James straightened, giving him a couple of hard, sudden thrusts.

" _Uh, uh... uhn_."

"Okay to keep going?" James asked, hips returning to a steady, gentle pace.

Jian couldn't quite hear him, world revolving around the hard cock deep inside him.

"Jian?"

Jian moaned against the duvet. Fuck, James's voice was the only sound he ever wanted to hear.

"Baby, are you still feeling good?"

"Wan'-" James whined as James paused for a moment, running his hands over Jian's back, before moving again. "- _James_ I wan' your- _mm_." Jian's hips bucked and James pulled all the way out, giving him a few seconds break. " _Uhn fu-uck_." Jian moaned as he drove right back in. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Wan'- James please- ah- cum in- _fuck_ \- inside."

" _Shit_." James tensed behind him and his next thrust was harder. "No, baby." He breathed, pulling out halfway before thrusting back in.

Jian keened. "Please." He was crying properly now and tucked his face further against the covers. " _Pleasepleaseplease_."

James groaned and Jian felt the way his cock pulsed.

" _James ple-ease_."

James pulled out entirely and Jian didn't even have time to whine about it before an arm was wrapped around his waist, easily tugging him off balance and manhandling Jian onto his back. And then, all he could do was watch as James jacked himself off above him.

His eyes were dark and his cheeks were flushed. He leant down, licking into Jian's more than willing mouth. Jian moaned against him. James trailed kisses along his jaw and then up to his cheeks, lips moving over tears. He shifted and licked Jian's neck next, before cursing and biting down.

"James." Jian murmured, breathless and pathetic. He didn't even recognise his own voice.

James bit down harder, moaning and hips bucking as he spilled into his own hand.

Ribbons of hot cum landed on Jian's stomach and chest and he moaned softly, head spinning and body tingling.

James panted against Jian's neck for a while, before giving it another kiss. "Fuck baby." He breathed, straightening up.

Jian blinked slowly up at him, then dropped his eyes to James's cock.

James moved gentle fingers through the cum on Jian's front. "How d'you feel?"

Jian could only nod, realising his brain was gonna need a minute to give him actual words. He felt like he'd just had 12 orgasms.

James let out a soft noise of amusement and shifted to lie beside Jian, using an arm to tug Jian in. He dropped a kiss to the crown of Jian's head.

Jian tucked his face against James's neck and listened to the sound of his breathing. James's scent was his favourite thing, he decided. It was deep and manly and comforting and warm. He vacantly thought it would be nice to stay here, like this, for the rest of his life.

He wasn't sure how long they lay there, but was on the edge of sleep when James trailed a lazy hand down his back, thumbing his ass, before returning to his shoulder. "Baby?"

A small noise made its way from Jian's throat and he snuggled closer to James; a subtle hint that he didn't want to move yet.

James let out a fond breath. "Sweetheart, can we clean up?"

Jian made another small noise. His body was too heavy to move. Yes, the lube felt wet and cold and there was some stickiness from James's cum, but it wasn't enough to justify movement.

James's thumb ran up Jian's ribs. "You plan on staying here forever?"

Jian smiled against him. "Mmhm."

James laughed and brought the hand up to thread through Jian's hair. "I'm moving, okay? Need to get something to clean up."

With a small noise of disapproval, Jian allowed him to untangle them from each other, immediately nestling into the duvet once no longer surrounded by James's body heat.

Eyes closed, he distantly listened to the sound of James's movements. He felt a slight dip in the bed, followed by the soft thud of things being put on the bedside table - the lube and condoms, presumably. He heard a couple of heavy footsteps, as if James was stepping into some pants. He heard the bathroom door. He heard a more footsteps, some rummaging and then some packaging crinkling.

"Baby?" James murmured, sitting beside him. "You asleep?"

Jian shook his head, peeking out from his cosy spot. James had put on some sleep shorts and was holding wet wipes.

"Moist towelettes." Jian mumbled and noticed that his voice was raw.

James snorted. " _Moist towelettes_?"

"S'how Benson calls them." Jian explained drowsily.

"Right." James nodded. "Can I clean you up with a _moist towelette_?"

Jian was very surprised by the laugh that bubbled out of him. It was one which could arguably be classified as a _giggle_. Jian had never giggled before.

James responded with a soft breath of laughter, before getting to work.

It was cold against the skin of his ass as James began wiping away lube but Jian didn't mind.

He shut his eyes again, annoyed when, just a moment later, James said, "Turn over, gorgeous."

Jian gave him a dirty look. "'Nly 'f you promise not t' call me that again."

James's lips twitched. "Turn over for me, ugly."

Jian bit his lip but was unable to stop another light laugh from slipping out.

James smiled softly at him, watching him roll over. "Feeling okay?" He asked, getting a new wipe and starting to clean off the cum on Jian's stomach.

Jian ignored the sudden feeling of self-consciousness and fixed his eyes on James's knee, nodding.

"I'd like a little more detail, if possible." he said, gaze following the movements of his hand and lips curved minutely.

Jian flicked his eyes up to his face, chest tightening. He swallowed and looked away. "Feel..." He gazed at the ceiling. "warm 'n'. Sleepy." He closed his eyes. "Happy."

"Happy." James repeated under his breath. "Good." He finished with the wipes and Jian looked back to him. "Are you sore?" James asked, standing and crossing to put the dirty wipes in the bin.

Jian was too tired to actually check in with his body. Something, somewhere was aching. But it wasn't _sore_. "No."

James hummed, moving to their bags. "You have pyjamas?" He asked. "Your boxers?"

"Mn." Jian nodded, appreciating the subtle definition of James's muscles.

James rummaged through Jian's bag and, a moment later, a pair of clean boxer briefs landed on Jian's chin. He snorted. James grinned and came back over, dropping beside him.

Jian fumbled with the pants in his hands, before deciding to push himself into a sitting position. " _N_ _h fuck_." And oh. He _was_ sore. The something, somewhere became a sharp pain, shooting through the base of his spine, his ass and around his hips.

James watched him. "Thought you said you weren't sore."

Jian scowled at his boxers. "'M not."

James sighed gently. "Baby, it's normal." He ducked into Jian's line of vision. "This was your first time and considering my size, I'd be surprised if you weren't." He said. "It's not like I'm never gonna fuck you again if you tell me the truth." He raised his eyebrows. "We both knew it would hurt."

Jian set his jaw and slipped his legs through the boxers, then lifted his hips to pull them up. The pain became a little more pronounced and he flopped back down as soon as he was done.

James poked his side and Jian bit his lip, disinclined to reveal he was ticklish. For a moment, he thought James was going to try again, but instead he simply flopped beside Jian and wrapped an arm around him, pressing a kiss to his forehead as he drew him in.

Jian closed his eyes, his nose brushing James's chest. A few seconds passed. The ache began to slink back. Jian's chest began to fill with warmth. He chewed his lip. "Thanks."

James smiled against Jian's hair. Predictably, his reply was, "You don't need to thank me."

Jian cuddled closer. "Still."

James let out a light breath. He was amused. "You're welcome."

Jian smiled. Kissed his pec.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry ab the length lol. im still p new writing smut so uh apologies if its shit lmao, feedback is always appreciated c:


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James pulled back a fraction, lips brushing Jian's ear. "Tell me what you want."

He woke the next morning, like many mornings, to a boner and buried his head into his pillow. All his limbs felt heavy and he didn't want to move. He did anyway; he pushed a leg out across the bed, feeling for another body. Finding nothing, he grumpily turned out of the pillow and blinked his eyes open. The room wasn't dark, despite the blinds still being drawn. The second half of the bed was empty. He scowled at the sight.

After a minute more of scowling, he glanced at the bathroom door. Open. No one inside. A quiet feeling of panic pattered across his chest and he cautiously sat up, pain sparking at his tail bone. He ignored it. James wasn't here.

Swallowing thickly, Jian swung his legs off the side of the bed, disregarding his body's protests. He reached for his phone and turned it on. The Apple logo showed up. He chewed the inside of his cheek. Was James buying breakfast? Or coffee? Why... hadn't he waited? His lock screen appeared and Jian blinked, stomach shifting heavily.

It was 12:23. PM.

Jian had slept for half the fucking day. Half the fucking day he was supposed to be spending with James. Doing something nice. Fuck.

He entered his passcode and pulled up their message log, biting his lower lip and hesitating.

iMessage 信息

今天下午12:23

where r u

A ding sounded from behind him and he glanced back. On the other bedside table, James's phone lit up.

Okay. That was... good. It meant James had only gone out for something quick.

Jian stood up, legs feeling shaky, ass feeling sore and stomach feeling uneasy.

It meant James would be back soon.

He brushed his teeth with his back to the mirror. There were bite marks on his skin. He spat in the sink. The _click_ of a door sounded.

Toothpaste still around his mouth, he moved to the doorway, scowling.

James was slipping off white sneakers. Above them, he wore slim-fit black trousers, a black sweater and a camel overcoat. He held a plastic bag in his left hand.

Toeing his shoes to the side and looking up, his eyes found Jian's and he smiled. "Hey. You're up."

Jian swallowed and broke eye-contact. He wiped a forearm over his face and went back to the sink to wash up.

"Jian?" James appeared in the doorway a moment later, frowning softly. "You okay?"

Jian dried his face. "Didn't know where you were." He muttered, refusing to look at James.

"I just went out to buy you something." James stepped into the bathroom, moving into Jian's space. He cupped Jian's face, forcing eye-contact.

Jian's throat clicked. He wanted to look away.

"You actually thought I'd go somewhere without telling you?" James asked and he looked-- annoyed by the idea.

Jian's chest twisted. "I didn't- s'not-- I just-" He swallowed. "-didn't..."

James let out a breath. "Well. I'm here now." A soft kiss was pressed to Jian's mouth before he pulled back and exited the bathroom.

Jian watched him shrug off his overcoat and hang it on the back on a chair before following.

"Bought you some youtiao." James told him, nodding to the plastic bag on the desk.

A little flare of excitement burst in Jian's chest and he padded over.

"And soy milk." James said. "I was going to get some," His brows furrowed. "shui-- jian bao?"

Jian bit his lip, suppressing a smile. His pronunciation was fine, but the hesitation was cute.

"But I wasn't sure what you felt like."

Jian took out the flimsy plastic cup and put it to the side, reaching for one of the two youtiao wrapped in napkins. It had been ages since he'd had this for breakfast. He broke off a bit. "Thanks."

James smiled at him. "Mmhm. How's your body?"

Jian took the lid off the soy milk and put the youtiao into soak, before taking it and the second stick back to eat on the bed. "Fine. Where'd you buy from?"

James idly pushed his sweater sleeves to his elbows. "A Taiwanese food stall I noticed the other night." He came over and dropped beside Jian. "You talk in your sleep."

Jian glanced at him after putting the second youtiao in the soy milk. "Did I say?"

"I dunno." James's lips twitched. "You were speaking Chinese."

Jian bit his lip. "Sorry."

James laughed. "I don't mind."

Jian offered him some of his food.

* * *

Jian had a shower after he ate. It was his tendency to bathe at night, unless he felt truly unclean. Maybe it was how sweaty he'd gotten last night, but he had an itch to wash - his hair in particular.

It was a quick shower; in and out. He rinsed his hair and rubbed body wash over himself. By now, he'd long had the habit of cleaning his ass with soap. Today, however, he had to scowl against the dull ache it caused.

The pain was confusing to him. On one hand, he liked it; an unavoidable souvenir from James's cock inside him. He found it hot. On the other hand, it flat-out hurt.

* * *

James scrolled through the ice rink's website. "We could go in the evening." He suggested. "There's a time slot from seven to ten."

Jian looked at the screen from where his head was leant on James's shoulder. He wasn't really paying attention. "Mn."

James clicked out of the tab, back to the search results. "This place has bowling too." He murmured, mouse hovering over a result lower down. "And laser tag."

Jian closed his eyes. James's shoulder was very comfortable. "Mn."

James hummed. "How about we go to the library instead?"

"Mn." Jian wondered if James knew how good he smelt.

James laughed. He shut his laptop and put it aside. "Baby, we don't _have_ to do anything if you're tired."

Jian frowned and opened his eyes. "'M not."

"Mmhm." James dipped down to kiss him. "You haven't said a full sentence in half an hour."

Jian just tilted his head, silently asking for another kiss.

James let out a fond huff and obliged.

It wasn't long at all until Jian was on his back with James's hands under his shirt and his cock pressing against his sweats.

James swiped his tongue along the underside of Jian's and brought his thigh up, pressing it between Jian's legs. Jian moaned, innately grinding against it. James withdrew his tongue and started trailing kisses along Jian's jaw.

" _James._ "

James took Jian's earlobe into his mouth, humming.

" _Mm_." Jian fisted his hands in James's sweater, shivers erupting over his body.

James pulled back a fraction, lips brushing Jian's ear. "Tell me what you want."

Jian panted, eyes unfocused on the hotel room ceiling.

As if impatient, James nipped the skin below his ear.

"F- fuck me."

James licked over the spot, before pulling back properly and looking down at Jian. "You're not too sore?"

Jian shook his head, warmth starting to boil in the base of his gut. Of course he was sore, but he could surely take it. Besides, practice made perfect, no?

"You don't want to wait?" James asked. "Until tonight?"

Jian struggled to think beyond the pressure on his cock. He shook his head again.

James ran his eyes over him, considering.

Growing restless, Jian's hips returned to grinding against the firmness of James's thigh.

A steady hand at his hipbone put a stop to the movements. James continued to watch him, eyes calm and intense. A moment passed. His eyes flicked down to Jian's lips. "Open your mouth."

Jian opened.

The hand at his hip squeezed. "Good boy."

When James leant back in, Jian expected more kisses. So he was confused when James's lips didn't meet his.

An inch or two above him, James kept his eyes trained on Jian's face. "Keep it open." He said and Jian's confusion grew.

And then James spat. Directly into Jian's waiting mouth.

"Swallow."

With a noise somewhere between a choke and a moan, Jian did. Unsure if it was the right thing to do, he opened his mouth when he was done.

James's lips twitched. "You want more?" He murmured. "Such a good boy."

Jian's hips reflexively tried to buck again but James's grip was too strong. He whined, head spinning.

"Open, baby." James reminded him and Jian helplessly complied.

This time, James let the saliva drop slowly into Jian's mouth. It was hot; thicker than water; and had a very, _very_ slight salty taste. Some caught on Jian's lower lip.

He swallowed when James was done, licking up what little had missed his mouth.

James pressed a wet kiss to the underside of his jaw, then licked down his neck and Jian whimpered. The hand at his hip traveled back to his stomach and he gripped Jian's shirt, pushing it up, up, up until it was bunched just above Jian's nipples. He pulled back and looked down.

Jian's breathing was unsteady and his head was foggy. All he could do was gaze up at James and think about how much he wanted him.

"Hands above your head." James instructed and Jian followed, allowing James to tug off his shirt entirely. It was dropped off the side of the bed as James met his lips once more. He took Jian's cupid's bow into his mouth and sucked, before moving away and shifting down.

He kissed, licked and nipped his way down Jian's neck, over his collar bones and, finally, his chest. Jian had assumed James was planning to give his nipples some attention. But he didn't. Instead, he simply kissed the space between Jian's pecs, beard brushing skin. His hands roved across Jian's body; stroked his stomach, brushed his ribs, traced his sternum. And all the while, he littered kisses everywhere except, frustratingly, Jian's nipples.

Twisting his hands in the duvet, Jian did his utmost to steady his breathing, body tingling. He wanted to ask for James to touch him where he needed it. But he didn't. Because James knew better than Jian.

James licked a line down to his belly button and Jian made an uneven noise, hips grinding up against James's. One of James's hands came to rest on the bed, beside Jian's ribs, as he moved back up to Jian's chest. Lightly, he used the fingertips of his free hand to trace around Jian's right nipple and Jian sunk his teeth into his lower lip. Equal measures of anticipation and pleasure rolled through him. James kissed his sternum; licked along his collar bone; fingers still circling - but never touching - his nipple.

"James." Jian whined.

James just licked Jian's left pec.

Jian's bottom lip hurt. If he bit down any harder, he would break skin.

Until, _finally_ , James decided to give him what he needed.

" _Ahn._ " Jian's hands instinctively moved into James's hair as his lips closed around Jian's left nipple. Something sharp and hot swelled through his chest and his hips bucked mindlessly.

Teeth grazed the sensitive area as he ran his thumb over Jian's other nipple.

"Fuck." Jian couldn't help fisting a hand in James's hair, eyes screwing shut.

James flicked his tongue over the tip and twisted Jian's right nipple.

Jian whined, back arching.

"So sensitive." James murmured, pressing another kiss to the skin between his pecs. He gave Jian's nipple a slight tug and a rush of pleasure flowed over him.

" _James_ , I--" Jian didn't even know what he meant to say, one hand moving to the back of James's neck as he traced his tongue over the skin surrounding Jian's left nipple.

He drew the nub into his mouth and sucked, free hand continuing to pinch, twist and rub the other.

Jian moaned at the intensity of it all, unable to grasp a thought that was even remotely intelligible.

James gently raked his teeth over it, from the base to the tip and Jian keened. James pulled off and shifted to take the right nipple into his mouth, circling and flicking the erect tip with his tongue as he sucked.

" _Fu-uck_." it was almost too much; a knife-edge between mind-numbingly good and unbearably intense.

James nibbled on the nipple before finally drawing off, moving his lips back up to Jian's.

His tongue stroked the side of Jian's and Jian became aware of the tears in his eyes. He wasn't sure when they'd gathered.

James pulled back and dark eyes watched Jian pant below him. "You look so good like this."

Jian swallowed loudly.

James's lips twitched and a quick kiss was dropped to Jian's lips before he moved back down Jian's body.

Jian's heart jumped into his mouth when James paused at his naval. Soft kisses were trailed over the skin there as fingertips slipped under his waistband.

"James-"

"-lift your hips, baby."

Jian bit his lip, anxiety creeping into his gut. His heartbeat was painful against his ribcage. He lifted his hips.

James tugged his sweats and boxers down together, easily stripping them all the way off and dropping them to the side. Jian's boner hit his stomach and he felt embarrassment burn through him at the ridiculous amount of precum.

James settled back between his legs.

Jian looked at him, chest rising and falling too fast to be healthy. Something about the way he was completely naked - needy and flushed - while James was fully clothed - composed and self-possessed - made heat bubble in the base of his gut.

A featherlight kiss was placed to the inside of his thigh and Jian dropped his head back on the bed with a shaky exhale. James's lips moved closer and closer to Jian's cock. Jian felt like he was suffocating.

"Always so wet for me." James murmured, breath hot against skin.

Jian bit his lip, unable to stop the moan which clawed its way from his throat.

And suddenly there was a tongue on the head of his cock.

" _Fuck._ " a sharp jolt of pleasure flowed through him.

James kissed and licked the head a few times and Jian couldn't do anything but whine at the sensations. Then, James took it into his mouth, lips closing around him. With gentle sucks and licks, he easily took Jian's entire length.

" _Ahn_." Jian squeezed his eyes shut, hips bucking mindlessly; the feeling of James's throat closing around his hard shaft was indescribable.

James moved the hand not braced on the bed to Jian's hip and applied pressure, holding him in place; simultaneously firm and gentle. His lips began moving up and down.

Jian fisted his hands, dropping both over his face and biting into the skin of one arm.

James drew off, only to lick a strip down the shaft.

Hot static coursed through Jian; from his dick, to his balls, to the base of his gut. " _James_."

James hummed, flicking his tongue over the head before sliding down again, moving over the shaft in practised motions. It was so warm; so wet; so intimate. Jian wasn't gonna last. James's movements sped up.

Jian's toes curled and his back arched. " _Ngh fuck, I_ -" He felt dampness on his cheeks. Without thinking, he wrapped his legs around James, as if trying to bring them closer.

James sucked a little harder, the extra pressure lighting a fire in the base of Jian's gut.

Jian sobbed. "'M gon'-- _ah_."

James tongued the spot where the shaft met the head, before his lips closed back around the length and Jian lost it.

Moaning, he spilled into James's mouth. He was almost too far gone to be worried about how quickly he came, or if his cum tasted okay, or if he should have given more notice, or if--

James drew off and Jian's legs limply opened, allowing James to move up the bed. He easily tugged Jian's hands from his face and leant down to kiss him.

Jian whined against his mouth when he realised James was _feeding_ him his own cum.

It tasted different to James's; where his was sharp and metallic, Jian's cum was more salty-sweet. He didn't like it as much, but was happy to lick up whatever James gave him.

After sucking on his lower lip, James pulled back. "Taste good, baby?"

Head swimming, Jian could only nod.

James smiled, before moving back completely and standing from the bed.

A brief sense of panic stabbed through Jian, until he saw James was simply retrieving the lube from the night table. His trousers were very tight around the crotch. _Fuck_.

James knelt back between Jian's legs, dropping the lube to the side. "Do you know what rimming is, baby?"

Shakily, Jian managed a nod and small noise. In his mind, the words _holy shit_ began sounding on repeat.

James nodded back, one hand coming to brush Jian's thigh. "Turn over." He instructed gently.

Jian swallowed and propped himself up onto his elbows. Eyes flicking to the significant bulge in James's trousers, he bit his lip and manoeuvred himself onto all-fours. A very dull sense of pain sparked.

"Good boy." James murmured, running his hands over Jian's ass and down his thighs.

Jian bit his lip and looked down at where his hands were braced on the bed. His heart was doing its utmost to escape his chest and Jian felt anxiety and anticipation scuffle in his gut. Anxiety seemed to be winning. "James."

James shifted behind him; lowered himself. "Mm?" He softly nipped Jian's thigh, before moving up.

Jian exhaled weakly, feeling warm breath on his ass. "Fuck, James I- I don't--"

A chaste kiss was pressed to the skin of one of his cheeks. "Relax, baby. I'll make you feel good." Another kiss. "Promise."

Jian bit his lip, staring at the duvet.

"Okay?" James checked.

Jian took a steadying breath. "Mn."

To begin with, James licked over Jian's hole with a gentle, flat stroke. Jian fisted his hands in the duvet, instinctively clenching. He didn't immediately like the sensation.

James kissed his left cheek, both hands coming up to rest lightly on Jian's thighs. "Sweetheart, I need you to trust me." He murmured; hot air on Jian's bare skin. "Just relax."

But Jian didn't know _how;_ James was right up in the most intimate part of his body. It was different with fingers or his cock. Somehow, that felt less... dirty. Here, Jian had nowhere to hide. He felt too exposed. It was impossible for him to relax.

James licked him again. A little firmer and Jian bit the inside of his cheek, chest twisting. After another lick, James gave Jian's hole a light, quick tap with the tip of his tongue and Jian bit down harder. James did it again.

Jian could feel James's facial hair graze his skin and dropped to his elbows, causing his back to arch slightly.

James's tongue circled his hole and Jian really wasn't sure about this. The grip on one of Jian's thighs tightened and then James's tongue was pressing in.

It was slippery and hot and Jian-- didn't like it. He scrunched his hands in the covers and turned his face into a pillow.

Inside, James started gently making small circles with his tongue and, apart from being mildly uncomfortable and embarrassing, it really didn't feel like much. Jian wondered if perhaps he was doing something wrong. Did he need to move his hips? Spread his legs wider? But, maybe, if James was feeling good, it didn't matter what Jian felt. As long as James was...

James changed from little circles, to moving his tongue up and down. He pressed his face closer, one hand coming up to spread Jian's ass cheek.

Jian turned his face further into the pillow and tried to think of something to help himself get into it. Nothing came to mind. So he just closed his eyes and focused on steadying his breathing.

A minute or so passed in a similar fashion.

And then something changed.

Jian was trying to ignore the strange guilty-inadequate feeling in his gut when his spine began tingling, as if someone were dragging a feather along it. Inside, where James was now moving his tongue from side to side, it started feeling almost ticklish. A good, electric sort of ticklish.

With an almost surprised breath, he pressed his ass back.

And that was when James moaned.

A small, low noise but probably the best one Jian had ever heard. Nicer than the noise, however, were the vibrations. It was as if, softly, all of Jian's nerve endings down there were lighting up. And now, it was becoming increasingly difficult _not_ to relax; Jian felt like he was melting.

James switched from soft movements to harder ones, still just _barely_ pushing his tongue in.

" _Hng_." Jian tucked his face further into his pillow, a mild wave of pleasure tiptoeing through his body. The slightly scruffy brush of James's beard sent tingles up and down his thighs.

James's tongue delivered a deeper, rougher stroke; pressing in almost as deep as he could and a far more intense wave of pleasure rolled over Jian.

" _Mm fuck_."

James repeated the motion, before pulling out and kissing the top of Jian's left thigh. He trailed kisses back toward Jian's hole and Jian unthinkingly spread his legs wider. James kissed his cheek and Jian couldn't process anything past his anticipation. When James blew lightly on his hole, he moaned; the sudden, gentle drop in temperature making shivers erupt up his spine. James gave Jian's hole a firm, long stroke and Jian made a small noise, pleased with the suggestion that James's tongue was about to re-enter him.

Instead, James gently grazed his teeth against Jian's hole and Jian whined, surprised by the sudden, sharp sensation. The tip of James's tongue gave his hole a few light taps and then he was plunging back in.

" _Fu-uck_." Jian fisted the duvet and moaned into his pillow, hot sparks of pleasure bursting through him. James made a slight humming noise and Jian felt his hole twitch in response. His cock, too, had filled again and was no doubt dripping precum onto the covers.

From there, the lines of reality started to blur. Nothing coherent could find its way through the thick fog in Jian's mind. Waves of pleasure lapped at his body as James fucked him with his tongue. Licking, flicking, alternating between hard and soft motions; small circles, deep strokes, spirals, quick taps.

Jian's hands clenched the sheets; his face buried deep in his pillow; tears in his eyes. His hole kept twitching beneath James's mouth and moans kept tumbling from his throat.

When James reached round to stroke Jian's leaking cock, all it took was a brush of skin to skin and Jian was cumming.

"God, you don't know what you're doing to me." James muttered, straightening up and manhandling Jian onto his back.

Jian was barely aware of what was happening. He simply opened his mouth and let James lick into it, tasting himself on James's tongue.

Pulling back, James stripped off his sweater and then his plain navy shirt. Once his clothes hit the floor, he grabbed a pillow and lifted Jian's hips, sliding it under him. Next, he reached for the lube and uncapped it, squeezing a few drops onto his fingers before dropping it aside and shifting closer to Jian.

Jian's eyes refused to move from his crotch. James slipped his first finger in; suddenly and easily. Jian bit his lip, legs opening wider.

"Good boy." James murmured, leaning down to kiss Jian's neck. He began slowly fucking it in and out. "Always such a good boy for me." His lips came up to meet Jian's.

He took his time working in a second and then third finger while lazily kissing Jian. Jian was doing his very best to keep up. James's tongue traced the shell of Jian's ear and Jian's mouth fell open with a soft, needy noise. His fingers crooked up, gently brushing Jian's prostate and Jian whined. Automatically, he moved to grip James's shoulders, nails digging in. James's fingers stopped and Jian almost wanted to cry.

"Hands to yourself." James told him, eyes hard and dark.

Not understanding why, Jian let go with a weak noise.

James kissed the tip of his nose. "Put them above your head."

Hazily, Jian followed the instruction; folding his arms, each hand on an elbow just so he had something to hold onto. The movement created a very slight bow in his back.

"Good." James murmured, dipping back down. His teeth raked over Jian's Adam's apple and his fingers resumed their thrusts.

It hurt. It hurt in an odd sort of way that Jian thought he liked. There was a sharp sting, a jolt of pleasure, some mixture of the two; pain, pleasure, pain-pleasure; continuously. Everything was so heightened, intense and sensitive.

And all the while, James was right there. Kissing his cheeks, his lips, his neck. Murmuring praise and moving his fingers with effortless skill. Pulling Jian apart. Putting him back together.

Jian felt like this body was no longer his own. It was James's. It _belonged_ to James.

"Ready for my cock?" James asked, teeth on Jian's shoulder.

Jian nodded, turning his head into the crook of his arm. "Mm."

James pulled his fingers out and straightened up.

Jian peeked out from his arm and watched as James undid his fly button and then his fly. His boxers were a dark grey. There was a small damp patch at the front. Jian swallowed a moan.

James tugged the boxers down and his cock sprung free. He reached for the lube and quickly slicked himself up.

With one hand stroking his cock and the other stroking Jian's left thigh, he positioned himself before Jian's hole and wet his bottom lip, gently spreading Jian's legs wider.

And then he slid in. Fully. With one, smooth motion.

" _Uh f_ _uck_." Jian's nails dug into his own arms as pain burst from the base of his spine.

James let out a ragged breath, leaning down to nose at the underside of Jian's jaw. "Tightest little hole I've ever fucked." He muttered, voice rough.

Jian's cock jumped against his stomach, precum sticky on his abdomen. He was still hard this time.

The stretch hurt. _Fuck_ , it hurt so much more than last night. Jian felt like he needed to shit more than last night, too. And at the same time, James felt so warm and so, so big inside. Jian's focus didn't know where to stay.

"First time I saw you," James started, breath hot. "I thought about how tight you'd be."

Jian's dizzy head barely knew what to do with the words being spoken. " _James_."

"Didn't think it'd ever happen. Knew it wasn't right." he nipped the skin of Jian's neck. "But, _fuck_ , the way you look at me, baby."

Jian let out a helpless, breathy moan, hardly able to comprehend anything beyond the cock still unmoving deep inside him.

"Like you'd do anything for me." James licked over the spot. "Is that right? You'd do anything for me, Jian?"

Jian nodded against his arm, entire body burning. "Mm."

"Yeah?" James said, lips coming up to Jian's ear. He nibbled Jian's earlobe. "You'd take whatever I give you? Do whatever I tell you?"

Jian's head was spinning. "Mmhm."

"Yeah." James agreed, voice raw. "Who do you belong to, Jian?"

Jian's cheeks were wet. His mind scrambled to find an answer. The sounds of heavy breathing filled the air as he struggled. Then, weakly, "You."

James gave his neck a kiss. "That's right, baby boy." He dragged himself out, barely an inch, before thrusting gently back in. "You belong to me."

" _Uhn_."

"My good boy." another gentle thrust.

" _James_." the word was caught between a sob and a hiccup.

"So perfect for me." he pulled out further, fucked back in harder.

Pain shot up Jian's spine, only to collide with pleasure.

"Only for me." his cock skimmed Jian's prostate and it honestly felt like a mini-orgasm.

James pressed a last kiss to the skin below Jian's ear, before moving back. He tugged Jian's hips up and manoeuvred one of Jian's legs over his shoulder. Jian weakly turned out of his arm, yet quickly felt too exposed so shifted it over his face. Like this, he was able to look up at James or down at where they were connected, but still had something to hide behind.

James began to build a steady tempo. Just like last night, the thrusts were gentle and precise. Jian panted and moaned beneath him, consumed wholly by the constant sensations rolling over him.

James pulled out entirely and Jian was grateful for the break. A second or two passed. James pushed back in.

" _Nngh_ James, I--" he already felt on the edge of a climax. Each of James's thrusts sent sharp waves of bliss through every inch of his body. The depth he reached was nothing short of intoxicating. Jian's eyes dropped to his own cock as James picked up his pace. His stomach was glazed with a mixture of sweat and pre. Hazily, Jian watched his cock twitch; his cum hole in a series of spasms. "-fuck _James_."

James gripped Jian's hips and delivered a series of quick, hard thrusts. Each time, his cock brushed Jian's sweet spot and each time Jian felt a scorching tide of pleasure swell over him. Noises were leaving him easily; moans, whimpers and whines pulled from his throat with each snap of James's hips. God, he felt so good; James was fucking him _so good_.

He was caught in that mind-blowing space for what felt like hours.

"Fuck baby." James groaned above him and, with unfocused eyes, Jian noticed something else on his stomach. Cum. Oozing from the tip of his cock.

He screwed his eyes shut and bit his lip. It did nothing to quell the noises continuing to leave him. All he could think about was the pressure against his prostate and in his penis.

The hands on Jian's hips tightened and James began driving into him consistently hard and fast.

" _Uh, uh, uh-hnnn_!"

James muttered a cuss. "You keep twitching around me."

Jian felt a few tears slip out. He no longer had any control over his muscles or reactions. Everything was hot and primal and intense. He blearily opened his eyes. Blearily gazed at James's happy trail, at his hips; his chest, his neck, his lips. His eyes.

" _Uhn fu-uck_!"

Jian's vision dipped out, heat overcoming his body as he came again, all over himself. He shot a forceful stream up his stomach, across his chest and onto his shoulder. His body shook and he could hear someone crying. High, uneven, little sobs. Distantly, he could feel James still fucking into him. His pace was gentler and he was murmuring something soft; one hand running soothingly over Jian's thigh. Warmth and overstimulation jolted through Jian on James's next thrust and he realised he was the one crying.

" _James_."

"I know, baby." James answered. "You did so good."

Jian felt disorientated, taking a deep, shaky breath and clenching around the cock inside him.

" _Fuck_." James groaned, hips faltering. "Shit."

And then he was tensing up. His balls slapped Jian's ass one final time as he buried himself as deep as he could go.

And then he was cumming with a moan. Inside. Inside _Jian_.

And Jian could feel his cock throb and pulse as he unloaded. He could feel a barely-there warm, wet feeling of liquid inside. He could feel cum running out of his hole as James was still shooting.

James slid Jian's leg off his shoulder and dropped forward, covering Jian's body with his own. He breathed heavily against Jian's neck for a moment, before taking his lips in a messy kiss. Jian wasn't very responsive in his dazed state. Pulling back, James might have said something as his nose brushed Jian's. Jian tried a little nod, not knowing if it was the appropriate response. James kissed his cheek.

When he pulled out, barely a few seconds later, Jian thought he heard him swear. He could feel cum leaking out - hot and sticky - and blinked slowly at the ceiling. James said something again and Jian closed heavy eyelids. He felt James lie beside him after a moment and used all his energy to nestle closer.

* * *

"Baby?"

Jian could feel a hand in his hair. "Nn."

There was a gentle breath of laughter. "You finally awake?"

Jian refused to open his eyes. "No."

James snorted. "Uh huh." The hand brushed his temple. "You should have a shower."

Jian shook his head. "Sleepin'."

James laughed. "You've been lying here for over an hour."

That made Jian crack an eye open. James was sat on the edge of the bed, redressed and stroking a hand through Jian's hair. "Over 'n hour." Jian repeated lamely, shifting. He realised he'd been tucked under the duvet.

"Mm." James nodded, pulling his hand back. "I cleaned you up a bit, but you're still gonna have some cum inside."

Heat twisted through Jian's gut. With a small noise, he reached down to his ass and ran his fingers over it. It was smooth and dry. He bit his lip, pressing a fingertip to his hole and then past his rim. " _Oh_." Pulling out, he brought a small glob of cum with him. James watched him quietly and Jian suddenly flushed, moving his hand away.

"You okay?" James asked.

Jian swallowed and pushed himself into a sitting position. The entire area around his hips ached; the feeling inside his ass was strange and uncomfortable. He nodded.

James stood and stepped back. "Okay. Shower and then we're going out."

"Goin' where?" he mumbled, reluctant to stand.

"Out." James told him.

Jian bit his lip.

Very aware of his nakedness, he pushed the duvet aside and shyly got to his feet, ignoring the sudden increase in pain.

He didn't like it; being naked before James in a situation that wasn't sexual. It was uncomfortable and nerve-wracking and awkward. He absently thought it odd.

There was nothing inherently shameful about a naked body. It was just skin and flesh. So why did it feel so wrong when removed from lust? Why did vulnerability feel so unpleasant when Jian was so safe? Why was it harder to be looked at, than to be touched?


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He swallowed and dropped his head on the window. "Don't wanna go home."

James tapped the steering wheel rhythmically, eyes set on the white car ahead of them.

Jian fiddled with the drawstring of his hoodie. "'Sn't it faster t' walk?"

"You don't know where we're going." James answered, lips curved upward.

Jian clicked his tongue.

The car's clock read 5:12pm. He stared at it, feeling his stomach drop. Their flight was at 8 tomorrow morning.

He swallowed and dropped his head on the window. "Don't wanna go home."

James hummed, starting off again as the light changed.

"S'like," Jian traced the line of the window seal with his eyes. "s'like bein' with you's quieter."

"Quieter?" James echoed mildly.

"I mean," to be fair, Jian _didn't_ know what he meant. "like-- I- I can breathe with you."

James glanced at him, before looking back forward. "You can't breathe with other people?"

"Sometimes." Jian bit his lip. It was difficult because this was more of a feeling than a statement. "S'just." He swallowed. "I- I can't-- I can't be like this with 'nyone else." He watched shop after shop pass by outside. "I--" He tried to grasp a coherent idea. "-I don't-- you're the 'nly one-" He scowled and paused, allowing his mind to catch up with his mouth. "-I don't want 'nyone else t' know me. 'Nly you." He nibbled the inside of his cheek. "I mean-- _know_ me."

" _Know_ you." James took a left. "What about your friends? Do I _know_ you more than Desmond and the others?"

Jian flicked his eyes over, unsure. He trailed the slope of James's nose. "'Smond," He said, looking forward. His gut twisted as he thought of his best friend. "knows me more than I want him to." He frowned. "But I think both 'f you--" He looked at the break lights of the car ahead. "-know me better than I know me."

James huffed out a small laugh. "Is that right?"

"Mn." Jian liked the way his chest warmed at the noise. "'N' you know me 'n a different way." He said. "Cos even though Des-- knows 'm-- gay, I can't- can't-- but you--" He'd lost intelligibility again. "-s'not somethin' I have t' worry 'bout with you. I can-- be _me_ with you. Properly me."

With a slight humming sound, James leant his free arm on the window and idly touched his beard. "It must be stressful," He started, slowing as the car in front stopped for an orange light. "having people find out before you're ready to tell them."

Jian swallowed, sliding down in his seat a little. "They won't bring it up." He said. "They'll pretend not t' know." Inside his hoodie pocket, he clicked a thumb joint. "'Smond knows that's what I want."

James was quiet for a moment, gaze fixed forward.

Eventually, he gave a soft sigh. "I don't want to go home, either."

Jian's chest tightened.

* * *

When James parked outside a Vietnamese place, Jian assumed it was their final destination; a nice meal out. Thus, when James asked for their order to-go, Jian was confused.

"Tell me where we're goin'." he said. The bag on his lap was so hot it was almost burning his thighs.

James snorted. "No." He began to reverse. "Patience is a virtue, baby."

Jian felt a smile tug at his lips.

* * *

"Oh." the sound of the car door slamming hardly registered. "So pretty."

It had taken almost half an hour to get out here. Not that Jian knew where _here_ was. They were high up; trees and grass surrounded the car park. Just ahead, on the crest of the hill, was a clearing with a bench in the middle. Beyond that, was the city skyline; a ribbon of lights, stretching as far as Jian could see. It was stunning.

"Mmhm." James knocked Jian's shoulder as he passed him, dropping the car key into his pocket.

Jian bit back a smile and followed.

They settled beside each other on the bench and Jian handed James his meal (pork rice noodle soup) before taking out his own (curried chicken rice noodle soup).

Jian moved his chopsticks through vegetables, side-eyeing James.

James gave him a smile.

Jian looked away.

They ate in a warm, comfortable silence for three or four minutes. Jian's focus was on his thigh, where his body was flush to James's. The city sparkled below them.

"'M sorry we didn't do 'nythin' good t'day." he said.

James glanced at him, frowning.

Jian looked at his soup. "I mean. We didn't go 'nywhere nice. 'M sorry."

James let out a gentle sigh, gaze drifting back to the sprawling city. "If someone gave me the choice between exploring a city I've already been to, and fucking you stupid, it's not a difficult decision to make."

Jian glared at him, ears burning. "Don't say shit like that."

James's lips twitched. "Sorry." He murmured and Jian got the distinct impression that he didn't mean it.

"'N' y'didn't fuck me _stupid_." he muttered.

James laughed. "Didn't I?"

* * *

They stayed gazing at the dazzling cityscape long after they'd finished their food. Conversation came and went like waves hitting the sand.

They talked about dance and all the things Jian wanted to do. Jian mentioned how awesome (though firmly unattainable) being in a music video would be. That had prompted James to ask _with, what, Taylor Swift_ _?_ and Jian had snorted, making James pull out his phone.

He showed him one of Todrick Hall's videos: _FAG_ \- the first one Jian had ever seen. James watched calmly. Locking his phone and tucking it away, he'd said _I'd like to watch you dance like that_ and Jian didn't quite know how he meant it.

They were quiet as Jian leant his head on James's shoulder and James wrapped an arm around him.

They talked about the fish tanks in James's office and about why James didn't want pets (they took up more time than he was willing to give). They talked about Jian wanting to someday own a dog.

They were quiet as a flock of birds flew overhead.

Jian asked how old James's son was. He was three.

They were quiet as the sun set. They were quiet walking back to the car and they were quiet until trees became buildings.

Jian gazed at James's hands on the steering wheel and thought about the warmth in his chest. He wondered if James's chest felt the same.

* * *

The two of them stood side by side, brushing their teeth. James's reflection looked bored. Jian's eyes dipped to his happy trail and then to where he was printing in his sleep shorts. He looked at himself next; faintly pink ears and cheeks. His lower neck and chest had three distinct love-bites on them. There was a scarcely visible bruise on his hip, just above where his boxer briefs sat. It was in the vague shape of fingers.

Jian liked the way his skin looked when it was marked by James.

* * *

James laughed into the kiss, pulling back to grin down at Jian. "No, but I had a wet dream about Justin Timberlake once."

Jian squinted at him.

James snorted and shifted to lie beside him. "He was in a movie playing on TV. Must have been stuck in my subconscious."

Jian chewed his lip, snuggling closer as James tugged him in. "D'you know Paul Hollywood?"

James let out a noise somewhere between a laugh and groan. "You didn't..."

Jian felt his lips twitch. "S'just one weird dream 'fter watchin' _Bake Off_."

James's hand came into his hair. "Tell me about it."

"No."

The hand tugged gently. "C'mon."

Jian enjoyed the way his eyelashes dragged against James's chest when he blinked. "S'teachin' me t' make spaghetti." He said. "But it s'with cereal 'n' we had t' mash 'n' roll it out. 'N' it s'in this fancy kitchen 'n' at some point--" He snorted. "-I's 'nly wearin' 'n apron but he's 'n a tux. 'N' at some point, he bent m' over the counter 'n' started poundin' 'nto me. Cos 'n the dream, s'part 'f the recipe."

James hummed. "Sounds like a recipe we should try."

Jian's entire body flushed. "'M gonna murder you 'n your sleep."

James breathed out a laugh and pressed a kiss to the crown of Jian's head. "So scary."

Jian tilted his chin up, seeking more kisses.

Soon enough, James had him on his back again, leisurely running his tongue over Jian's. It was warm, sleepy and tender. Jian's hands roamed timidly over James's chest and stomach, before winding around his neck and fiddling with the hair there.

James kissed his way along Jian's jaw and Jian gazed at the dim ceiling. "James?"

"Mm?" James grazed his teeth over skin.

"Earlier," Jian started, trying to ignore the lips on his neck. "when you were-- fuckin' me," He swallowed, feeling James pause. "y'said somethin' 'bout-- I-" He barely remembered; everything had been so intense.

James shifted back to look at him.

"-said it wasn't-- you knew it wasn't-- right." Jian swallowed again, hands dropping from James's neck. "What-- did you mean?"

James looked down at him quietly, face difficult to see in the low lighting. "You know what I meant." He finally said.

Jian felt himself scowl, frustration tugging at him. "Would I ask 'f I knew?"

James let out a tiny breath and glanced to the side. Jian thought he saw his jaw twitch, but it was hard to tell. "Jian," James started evenly, looking back. "you're closer in age to my son, than you are to me." He said and Jian's stomach lurched. James just watched him steadily. "Do you still not know what I meant?"

Jian swallowed, loud in the quiet of the room. "I-" His mind hopped from place to place. "-I-- but I don't 'nderstand why y'said it cos we-- cos it- s'not-" He bit his lip and tried again. "-I just don't 'nderstand why what other people think s'normal applies t' us." He said, voice quiet. "I think," He felt James's thumb rub softly over his ribs. Nerves swelled through him. "think you're the best thing t' ever-- happen t' me."

"Baby..." James murmured. He dropped a kiss to the corner of Jian's mouth. A kiss to Jian's jaw. A kiss to his lips.

Mind lagging, Jian opened his mouth when James's tongue requested entry.

Unhurried, deliberate kisses descended into heated touches before returning to something soft and sluggish. Over and over.

James bit Jian's lower lip before moving to nose at Jian's ear. "You have a boner."

Jian was painfully aware.

James licked his neck, one hand moving down to stroke Jian's left thigh.

Jian bit his lip, a slight noise escaping him. "I- I can't."

"Can't what?" James asked, continuing to trail kisses over his neck.

Jian felt the fingers on his thigh play with the hem of his boxers. "Too--" He swallowed, guilt twisting through him. "-sore."

James hummed, tongue tracing the shell of Jian's ear. "I won't fuck you." He pulled back and looked down at Jian. "But I want to see how you touch yourself when you're thinking of me."

Embarrassment replaced the guilt and Jian felt a different kind of heat flow over him. "I don't..."

James dropped a kiss to his cheek. "It's easy, baby." He said softly. "All you have to do is sit on my lap and make yourself cum."

Jian's face was _burning_. "James--"

James drew back entirely and moved to sit beside him. The nightlight was flicked on a moment later and Jian's chest knotted. James raised patient eyebrows, waiting.

Jian bit the inside of his cheek and slowly sat up. "I don't-- I don't-" He didn't know what he was trying to say.

James continued to watch him gently.

Jian dropped his eyes to James's lap. James wasn't fully hard, but there was still a significant bulge.

Cautiously, Jian straddled him, feeling dirty for the first time this weekend. "I- I don't know 'f I-- like this." He muttered, fixing his eyes on James's shoulder.

James threaded fingers through his hair. "You haven't done anything yet." Fingertips came under Jian's chin and James guided him in for a kiss. Pulling back, he said, "Take your boxers off, sweetheart."

Jian gnawed his lip and looked at James for a second, something reluctant digging its heels in. He ignored it and stripped off his pants, pushing down the tangled feeling in his chest and settling back in James's lap.

James's lips twitched. "Such a good boy." He hummed, resting his hands lightly on Jian's knees.

Jian swallowed loudly, not liking this at all. But then again, he hadn't liked rimming at first either.

"Show me how you touch yourself, baby boy."

Jian flicked his eyes up to James's, before looking away again. He took a steadying breath - more of a shaky inhale - before wrapping his right hand around himself.

His strokes were clumsy and nervous and his eyes refused to meet James's. It didn't even feel good; he couldn't overcome the tight, uneasy feeling in his gut.

James let out a very quiet breath, placing a hand over Jian's wrist and stopping his movements. "Jian."

Stomach dropping like lead, Jian hesitantly lifted his gaze.

James's face was firm and reassuring. "The reason I'm asking you to do this," He started, hand coming back to rest on Jian's knee. "is because it turns me on."

Jian's throat clicked and suddenly he was worried he might explode.

"You don't need to be shy." James told him. "There's nothing you could do that would be wrong, okay?"

Jian's heart was pounding in his ears.

James watched him quietly for a moment, thumbs beginning to stroke the skin of his knees. "I've jerked off to the thought of you more times than I can count."

Jian's heart was _pounding_ in his ears.

"Fucked my fist thinking of your tight ass so many times, baby. The night we went to The Stags' game, I got so hard driving home. The night after the aquarium. Every time I thought of how you looked on your knees, lips on my cock." James's voice was calm and smooth, as if each word he spoke wasn't slapping Jian in the face. "Every time I thought about how you moan for me; how you finger yourself imagining me." His eyes dropped to Jian's mouth. "Let me see, baby." They met Jian's again. "Let me see how much you need me."

Jian dug his teeth into his lower lip and gave a microscopic nod.

Slowly, and still not quite able to look at James, he resumed his strokes. He shut his eyes, feeling his breathing quicken and focusing on the tight grip of his hand. When arousal overtook nerves, he opened them again, speeding his strokes up and helpless to stop a weak moan. His eyes flicked up to James's face and found his gaze hot and dark.

"Fuck." he broke eye-contact and thoughtlessly took two fingers of his left hand into his mouth, getting them wet before reaching back to his ass. They slipped in relatively easy and Jian hated that they didn't feel anything like James's. He couldn't get deep enough and the angle made it impossible to properly reach his prostate. " _Nh_." It ached, too, but that was better than being empty right now.

One of James's hands left him and he pulled out his own cock, beginning to stroke lazily.

" _Fuck_." Jian tightened his fist, heat bubbling in his gut and pressure building in his groin.

"Say my name."

Jian whined, hips unable to decide between bucking into his fist, or grinding back on his fingers. " _James_."

James's strokes quickened imperceptibly; his breathing grew slightly louder.

Jian couldn't look away from his hard cock; so long and thick; so much better than fingers; so easily able to make Jian forget who he was. "James."

"Yeah baby?"

Jian whimpered, legs tingling; feeling himself get so, _so_ close. " _James, I_ \--" His chest tightened and Jian absently thought about how much he _didn't_ want to start fucking crying. Scared of the dampness he could feel building in his eyes, he shut them. There was nothing sensual about his movements anymore; they were needy and rushed and Jian's head was swirling. "- _James_ ," The fingers in his ass were shallow and sloppy. Hardly aware of it, he dropped his forehead on James's shoulder, moaning. " _James_." His skin was so warm. So smooth. So reassuring. Jian's fingers just _barely_ grazed his prostate. His right hand was wet with pre. Heat was building, building, _building_ ; weak noises endlessly falling from his lips. " _Ja-ames_." His muscles began tensing and shivers ran up his spine. With each stroke, sensitivity increased and Jian could feel it from somewhere deep inside. His balls throbbed and tightened and his hole clenched on his fingers and his cock pulsed in his fist and-- _god_. " _I love- I love you_ _._ "

"Shit." James's hips bucked and he was cumming too.

Save for pulling his fingers from his ass, Jian didn't move for a moment; simply breathed against James's shoulder and waited for things to process.

And when they did, panic lurched through him.

"I- I-- I didn't- I didn't mean t'--" Jian didn't know what to do. His hands were sticky. They both had cum on their stomachs.

Jian had--

He'd fucked up.

"-I don't-" he swallowed, gut twisting. "-I don't 'xpect you t' say it back." It came out almost inaudibly.

"Look at me, baby."

Jian would really rather not. Which, perhaps, was the reason he did.

As ever, James's face was soft. A hand was brought to cup Jian's cheek and a chaste kiss was pressed to his lips. Upon pulling back, James moved to kiss Jian's cheek, then his nose, then the corner of his eye; his temple, his forehead, his jaw. "You're so perfect." Another kiss was delivered to Jian's mouth. "So fucking perfect, Jian."

Jian made a very small noise in response and even he didn't know what it meant.

James's nose brushed Jian's. "Say it again."

Jian swallowed thickly, heart beating in his mouth. "I-- love you."

James wrapped his arms around him and it was all Jian could do to tuck his face into the crook of his neck.

"Love you so much." his voice was wobbly and his hands fisted against James's chest. "It fuckin'-- hurts."

A kiss was pressed to his hair and hands smoothed over the skin of his back. "It hurts?"

Jian sniffed, feeling a little teary all of a sudden. "Feels like m' chest's gonna-- rip 'n half."

"Oh, baby." James breathed. A hand came to card through Jian's hair and another kiss was placed against him. "You're so precious."

Jian took his bottom lip into his mouth and soaked up the heat of James's skin; the warmth of his scent.

So much of the world was scary and confusing. People lied; cheated; judged; hated. People hurt each other; hurt themselves. Jian didn't know why or what it meant. People made beautiful things ugly and ugly things beautiful. They surrounded Jian, but few really existed to him.

_So much_ of the world was scary and confusing. Things broke. Jian didn't know how to mend them. Things moved too quickly; too loudly; too callously. Jian didn't know how to slow them down; how to hear himself over them; how to soften them.

People stumbled blindly into each other, never knowing what would come of it. On a busy street, how many lovers unknowingly passed each other? How many foes? How many best friends and awkward acquaintances? The infinite possibilities of what could be was overwhelming to Jian. Where would he be now if he and James had never met? 

Nothing was ever still and nothing was ever permanent.

All there was, were moments. A series of moments, forever bounding onward. It was terrifying.

Jian sat in James's firm embrace and slowly moved to wrap his arms around him. Their breathing was slow and even. Thumbs rubbed Jian's back. Body heat seeped into skin and heartbeats synced. It was intense. Intimate. Almost unbearable. Kind of felt like home.

And this moment was the one Jian was living in. This was the moment that mattered. The only one that mattered.

And if his life from now on was even dusted with further moments with James, then it would be more than worth it.

He didn't know what would happen when he went home. He didn't care. Because this was where he was now. And this was good.

He was warm and safe and _cared for_.

He was happy. He was so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are some aspects of this that i dont like especially toward the end so ill continue to edit n maybe rewrite bits when i hv time. nothing drastic, just polishing c:  
> but thank u for making it this far :') hope u enjoyed  
> i hv some other stuffed planned out uh w these characters but not sure when/if ill write it lol. lmk if ur interested ig✌️
> 
> thank u for reading, i super appreciate it <3


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